The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race
by IStalkKirby
Summary: Leg 12! In the double-length finale, the final three teams tear up Smashville! Two-part tasks, star-gazing, buses, trains, Dukes of Hazzard ripoff scenes, guard dogs, sniper fire, violence, slight sexual innuendo, adrenaline, but above all - someone wins!
1. The Race Begins In Hyrule!

Disclaimer: Hmmm...I think I MIGHT know someone else who did a TSAR. Some guy called hoogiman, who brought up the idea of me doing one. Yay? Maybe.  
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Leg 1: Smashville-Hyrule

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"This, is Smashville." said Crazy Hand. Master Hand's taken, isn't he? Live with it. "A custom village housing the Super Smash Brothers, twenty-two of which are leaving on a race around the world."

Master Hand glided by, raising a large middle finger at his brother. A wad of cigarette ash from his cigarette, (well, what else?), fell onto the ground, setting fire to Master Hand.

"And these Smashers are going to stop being polite and start getting real!" smiled Crazy Hand. A flaming Master Hand whispered something about this not being Real World. "Really? Oh. Anyway, the teams are currently making their way to me via bus. These teams will have to survive the journey, without computers or cellphones, so their greatest resource will be each other."

Master Hand shuddered. "That line was lame."

"YOUR FACE IS LAME!" bellowed Crazy Hand. "Anyway, let's meet the teams!"

The bus pulled up, and the first team stepped out, with Crazy Hand providing a voice-over.

"Mario, and Bowser. Poker buddies, and occupational enemies from the Mushroom Kingdom!"

"We hope to use the race to find ourselves a little more pleasant." said Bowser.

"Yes-a, and this-a race is the perfect opportunity-a to build a better-a relationship!" smiled Mario. Master Hand gagged at the corniness.

"Kirby, and Ness. Now room-mates, after an explosion that destroyed most of the Smash Mansion."

Kirby and Ness stepped out of the bus, where Ness grinned at everyone stupidly.

"I recently signed on for the cinematic release of Achievement Unlocked!" smiled Ness. "Now Kirby can grovel while I sit back, smoke some cigars, and watch his life fall apart!"

"During this race, either we'll place high, and feel better about ourselves, or we'll lose, and hurt each other." reasoned Kirby. "I, uh, think that's kind of a lose-lose situation."

"Roy, and Ganondorf." said Crazy Hand, as the third team stepped down. "Stereotypes, and a horrible embarrassment to nature."

"Yarr, we be mentally prepared to take anything from ye olde race." said Roy, carressing the parrot on his shoulder.

"I totally never agreed on this!" whined Ganondorf. "What if, like, I die?"

"Yoshi, and Peach." continued Crazy Hand. "Dating, and contemplating marriage."

Yoshi and Peach stepped off of the bus, and furiously made out.

"I'd use the million to have the perfect wedding to my Peach." said Yoshi sweetly.

"Is that it?" asked Master Hand. "Boring!"

Crazy Hand continued. "Link, and Pikachu. Met in anger management 40 years before the events of the race."

"Link here is a little bit of a take-charge guy." explained Pikachu. "But he seems to forget that I killed him once, and could do it again."

"I think Pikachu is totally rad." said Link, reading something on the back of his hand and sweating.

"Donkey Kong, and Meta-Knight." said Crazy Hand, as they emerged. "They met during the fiasco in the Smash Mansion, where both were killed."

DK was poking at the little bit of hair that curls on his head, looking bored.

"What is this anyway?" asked DK. "Is it hair, or just some stupid little strand of dying brown fuzz crying out for someone to love it?!"

"I'm smart, mainly because I never listen to him." sniffed Meta-Knight.

"Marth, and Fox." continued Crazy Hand, quickly growing bored. "Fraternity brothers, from Smashville College's frat, Kappa Sigma Sega."

"We are planning to win using our superior social skills!" smiled Fox, while Marth crushed a keg with his head. "We stand out as the young, handsome team!"

"Ike, and Pit." said Crazy Hand, as the fangirls devoured him in an attempt to see the young and handsome team.

"Damn." said Fox ruefully, watching Ike and Pit's fangirls.

"Palutena wasn't too thrilled about me taking this commoner on this quest." admitted Pit.

"No-one cares what I do in Ikeworld because it's dumb. And even if I wanted to tell them I wouldn't anyway. Because it's dumb." said Ike, because he's dumb.

"Pichu, and Young Link." said Crazy Hand. "Best friends, with a wide gap in intelligence."

Young Link opened his mouth to speak, but a dub voice covered him.

"Pichu and Young Link enjoy windsurfing, lattes, and shopping for socks." said the dub voice quickly.

"Well, we're used to prefriental treatment at the Mansion..." said Pichu. "So, we need to rough it a bit more, I guess."

Young Link threw a crayon at the camera.

"Mewtwo, and Jigglypuff." said Crazy Hand. "A conservative, self-absorbed psychic being, and a mentally adventurous puffball."

"I get up and gogogogogogo! Yeaaaaaaaaah! FLY BY THE SEAT OF YOUR PANTS, BOY!" cried Jigglypuff, intoxicated.

"Code for; she doesn't like to clean up after herself, she borrows money like crazy, and she wakes up hungover in dingy hotels." said Mewtwo bluntly. "She's the reigning tiresome cliche champion of the world. She uses synergy, and thinks outside the box..."

Mewtwo sighed at his teammate.

"Samus, and Mr. Game and Watch." finished Crazy Hand, as the team emerged from the bus.

"We're not very diplomatic." admitted Samus. Mr Game and Watch beeped some beeping beeps of approval. "Yeah, there could be some nasty incidents in this race.

"Which one of these teams will have the correct amount of brains, brawn, and teamwork, to win the million dollars?" asked Crazy Hand.

"Okay, really!" said Master Hand. "Don't you realise NONE of them have any of those qualities at all!? It's easy to fake that for a million bucks!"

Crazy Hand ignored him and turned to the eleven teams.

"In a few minutes, you will be embarking on a race around the world." said Crazy Hand. "The race will have 13 legs, and at the end of each leg, is a pit stop. You need to get to the pit stops as fast as you can, as eight of them are elimination points, and if you're last at one of these, you will be eliminated."

Dramatic shots of the teams.

"When I give the signal," said Crazy Hand, "You can run for your luggage, which the first clue of the race is on, and then the rest is up to you. Good luck."

Master Hand sighed.

"On your mark..."

Teams braced themselves.

"Get set..."

Ike flattened his hair and made eyes at Pichu.

"GO!"

The eleven teams started running towards their bags, and the first clue.

Ike and Pit

Fangirl Bait

"You must..." read Pit.

Yoshi and Peach

Dating Exclusively

"Make your way to..." read Yoshi.

Link and Pikachu

Anger Problems

"Termina, Hyrule!" chuckled Link.

Kirby and Ness

Semi-Friends-But-Not-Really

"You have a choice of three flights..." read Ness.

Marth and Fox

Fratentity Brothers

"Nintendia..." read Fox.

Roy and Ganondorf

Embarrasment

"Hyrule ARR.." continued Roy.

Pichu and Young Link

Intelligence Contrast

"or..." said Pichu. These camera focus switches are annoying, huh?

Samus and Mr. Game and Watch

Chronological Accident

"Ter-" began Samus.

DK and Meta-Knight

Cynics

"Mina-" said Meta-Knight.

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff

Psychic and Psycho

"Air." finished Mewtwo.

Mario and Bowser

Poker Buddies

Bowser was opening the clue, when Mario backhandslapped him across the face.

"COME ON!" screamed Mario in a whiny, rude voice. "Everyone-a is leaving!"

Bowser lowered his spike collar thing to his knuckles, and punched Mario in the face.

"I don't even offensively use these anymore." said Bowser calmly to Mario. "I used it for that occasion, Mario. Don't whine at me through this race."

Mario sniffled. "WAAAAWAAAAFLOKENDRAHAYDENWAAAAWAAAAWAAAA!" sniffled Mario.

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Teams:

Mario and Bowser (Poker Buddies)

Kirby and Ness (Semi-Friends-But-Not-Really)

Roy and Ganondorf (Embarrassment)

Yoshi and Peach (Dating Exclusively)

Link and Pikachu (Anger Problem)

DK and Meta-Knight (Cynics)

Marth and Fox (Fraternity Brothers)

Ike and Pit (Fangirl Bait)

Pichu and Young Link (Intelligence Contrast)

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff (Psychic and Psycho)

Samus and Mr. Game and Watch (Chronological Accident)

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Marth and Fox

Currently in 1st Place

"We obviously should take the fastest flight," reasoned Fox. "So, we think we can beat these teams to the airport easily."

Marth and Fox looked back at DK and Meta-Knight, who were re-reading the clue, and Samus and Mr. Game and Watch, who were speaking in beeps.

"Obviously." said Marth.

Link and Pikachu

Currently in 2nd Place

"If we're slowed down, I swear, I will KILL you." said Pikachu.

"I'm not Link." said a passing Pit, with Ike running behind him.

"Think we can bring some fangirls?" asked Ike eagerly.

Pikachu spat on the ground. "That joke was SOOO expected!"

Ike and Pit hopped in a cab, behind Marth and Fox, who were getting into another.

Kirby and Ness

Currently in 4th Place

Kirby found a payphone, and called up Hyrule Air.

"Ness, I think we'd better take the cheapest cab ride we can, Hyrule Air's the closest gate." said Kirby.

Pichu and Young Link

Currently in 5th Place

"Taxi?" asked Pichu, but none of them stopped. "Damn.."

Samus and Mr. Game and Watch

Currently in 6th Place

"Look, Kirby and Ness are calling ahead." pointed out Samus. "We should do that too."

Mr. Game and Watch picked up the phone, and beeped into it violently. There was a pause, then the sound of the other line hanging up.

"Really, we can't communicate with others." lamented Samus, sadly blowing up the payphone.

Kirby and Ness

Currently in 4th Place

"No, look, we can get straight to the airport with this subway!" smiled Kirby. "Let's go!"

"What's a subway?" asked Ness.

"You're kidding." said Kirby flatly. "This isn't like, a magical path, or a electronic device, or even particularly dangerous. You WALK through these things, Ness. Really, get out more."

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff

Currently in 7th Place

"Just pick up the phone!" argued Jigglypuff. "Everyone's doing it!"

"I'm not calling anything until we know which flight's the fastest." replied Mewtwo, bored. "Why did I bring you again?"

"Because you love me!" smiled Jigglypuff. "I mean, the meanest thing you'd do is leave me to starve in the middle of some African desert!"

DK and Meta-Knight

Currently in 8th Place

Meta-Knight was on the phone by now as well.

"So, how much will this race suck?" asked DK, bored. Meta-Knight made shushing noises, and jabbed DK in the eye with his sword.

Mario and Bowser

Currently in 9th Place

"Okay, thanks." said Bowser, putting down the phone.

"YEAH-A!" smiled Mario. "Who's-a the best? BOWSER'S THE BEST-A!"

"As stupid as that sounds, I'm still perplexed over your mood swing." said Bowser. "But, yes, I AM the best."

Bowser giggled like a schoolgirl, then quickly straightened up.

Marth and Fox

Currently in 1st Place

"Termina Air seems most likely to fly straight to Termina." said Marth. "I mean, Hyrule Air probably stops somewhere like, Hyrule."

DK and Meta-Knight

Currently in 9th Place

"Mario and Bowser just left..." said DK.

"Shut up." said Meta-Knight. "Stop being so upbeat..."

DK juggled clown suits while wearing a ball.

Kirby and Ness

Currently in 4th Place

"Are you sure we're going the right way?" asked Ness.

"I'm sure we're going the wrong way!" smiled Kirby.

Marth and Fox

Currently in 1st Place

Marth and Fox's cab stopped at the airport, and they got out.

"Thanks so much!" smiled Fox. "You got us here nice and early!"

Mario and Bowser

Currently in 2nd Place

"You made-a us catch up!" smiled Mario. "THANKSTHANKSTHANKS!"

Bowser made out with the cab driver.

Kirby and Ness

Currently in a Subway Place

"We're stuck in the subway..." lamented Ness.

Marth and Fox

Currently in 1st Place

"Look, there's Termina Air!" cried Marth.

"We got here so fast it's not open yet!" gasped Fox.

Pichu and Young Link

Currently in 3rd Place

"Here's money." said Young Link, pleased with himself. A wild dog attacked Pichu, and got fungus all over Young Link's food.

Mario and Bowser

Currently in 2nd Place

Mario and Bowser ran up to the Termina Air counter.

"Hey, Marth and Fox!" grinned Mario.

Mario

"I hate how they beat us to the counter." said Mario. "They better not beat us to the pit stop by seconds..."

Roy and Ganondorf

Currently in 10th Place

"Yarr, the roads be a harsh mistress." said Roy, in a traffic jam.

Kirby and Ness

Currently in 6th Place

Kirby and Ness ran into the airport, covered in sewer "materials".

"Okay, we're in the middle of the pack, and we saved money at the cost of what, 4th, 5th place?" asked Kirby, reasonably satisfied.

"I wanna be first!" moaned Ness.

"Dammit, first isn't important yet!" said Kirby impatiently.

DK and Meta-Knight walked in, and booked a flight.

"All teams are making their way to Termina, with three flights." said Crazy Hand. "The first flight, leaving from Termina Air, contains Pichu and Young Link, Marth and Fox, Mario and Bowser, Yoshi and Peach, and Ike and Pit. The second flight contains Link and Pikachu, and Roy and Ganondorf. The third and last flight, includes Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, DK and Meta-Knight, Kirby and Ness, and Samus and Mr. Game and Watch. Can any of the final flight teams catch up? And who will be the first team to be eliminated?"

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(Commercial)

"Hey, I hate video games." said Jack Thompson.

"Hey, I hate everything." said Hilary Clinton.

They made out.

"I guess that's fair." smiled Bill Clinton.

George Bush coughed something that sounded like Lewinsky.

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Mario and Bowser

Currently in 3rd Place

"Teams must now make their way to Hyrule." said Crazy Hand. "There, the Termina Air teams must successfully not whine when they realise the clue has bunched them all up again."

"Get off the flight!" cried Mario. "RUN-A!"

Mario and Bowser ran right by Pichu and Young Link, who were innocently hailing a cab.

"Nothing we can do about that..." lamented Pichu.

"GO-A!" yelled Mario maniacally.

"You know, this would be funny if the competitiveness wasn't so grating." said Bowser.

Mario dragged Bowser frantically through traffic, and ran into the primitive airport to Hyrule.

"Hello." smiled Fox warmly, as Mario and Bowser stared in shock. "We beat you again, we see."

Marth clutched his stomach and laughed hysterically.

Pichu and Young Link

Currently in 3rd Place

"It sounds bad over there!" whined Young Link, pointing at Mario, Bowser, Marth and Fox.

"Sorry about him..." whispered Pichu to Bowser, pointing at Mario in a show of minimal politeness.

Marth and Fox

Currently in 1st Place

"Well, we're off to bed." smiled Marth. "Gotta wake up early for this flight! Bye, friends!"

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"The first flight to Hyrule, lasting about 20 minutes, carries Marth and Fox, Mario and Bowser, and Pichu and Young Link." said Crazy Hand.

The first flight landed.

"Go!" urged Pichu. Young Link opened a clue.

"Kakariko Village!" said Young Link quickly, being unable to read the rest.

"Teams must now go to Kakariko Village, where they will find their next clue." said Crazy Hand. "Arriving now are the remaining flights. The second flight contains Ike and Pit, and Yoshi and Peach. The third flight has Link and Pikachu, and Roy and Ganondorf. On the last flight, is Kirby and Ness, Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, DK and Meta-Knight, and Samus and Mr. Game and Watch."

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff

Currently in 9th Place

Mewtwo was floating slightly behind, allowing Kirby and Ness to pass them.

"Please, can we just go?!" asked Jigglypuff angrily. Mewtwo resisted an urge to kill Jigglypuff.

Kirby and Ness

Currently in 8th Place

"Kakariko Village?" said Kirby, rereading the clue in the cab.

"Hehe...the village of Spanish poop." said Ness.

Kirby beat Ness violently for toilet humor.

DK and Meta-Knight

Currently in 10th Place

"AGH!" cried DK. "I think someone just used...TOILET HUMOR?!"

Meta-Knight gagged. Cab racing continued with place shuffling action.

Marth and Fox

Currently in 1st Place

"Here's the village!" exclaimed Fox. "You must now make your way to Death Mountain!"

"Is that mountain there Death Mountain?" asked Marth. "We'd better check!"

"May I help you idiots?" asked Malo, walking up.

"Yeah, is that Death Mountain?" asked Marth.

"Read the sign, genius." sighed Malo.

Mario and Bowser read the sign, and ran up.

"Like they did?" asked Marth.

"Damn, they finally got the better of us!" gasped Fox.

Roy and Ganondorf

Currently in 4th Place

"Yarr, ye be knowin' if this be Death Mountain?" asked Roy.

"Totally, yeah!" smiled Ganondorf, tossing back his hair.

Link and Pikachu

Currently in 5th Place

"Link!" called Pikachu. "Is that Death Mountain?"

"Yeah!" replied Link. "I know the trail well enough, I guess!"

Samus and Mr. Game and Watch

Currently in 6th Place

"Wow, this is beautiful." said Samus, smiling at a Goron who fell in the lava.

Mr. Game and Watch beeped.

Marth and Fox

Currently in 1st Place

"Let's see..." muttered Fox, reading the clue at the top of Death Mountain. "We now have to go to the top of the trail..."

"Man, I feel pressured to stay ahead of Mario now..." lamented Marth. "It seems like we just have to beat him everywhere! Why do we do it?"

"Because it's really funny for us." said Fox.

"But why?"

"Because it's really funny for us."

"Bu-"

"Because it's really funny for us."

Samus and Mr. Game and Watch

Currently in 6th Place

"Why'd you buy a map?" asked Samus. "We just follow the path! Now those teams that we could've overtaken have started climbing the trail!"

Mr. Game and Watch beeped defiantly, and pointed at the map. Samus glanced.

"This isn't a map of Hyrule. This is the Green Hill Zone." said Samus bluntly.

Pichu and Young Link

Currently in 7th Place

"Want back on top?" asked Pichu, showing Young Link the Fast Forward.

"This is the first of however damn many we feel like Fast Forwards on the race!" said Crazy Hand. "The first team that finds this can skip all tasks and go directly to the pit stop! However, once a team uses a Fast Forward, that team can never use another one again for the rest of the race, so each team must decide when it's most advantageous to go for it! In this Fast Forward, teams must leave back to Kakariko Village, and find this guard. The guard will haggle a price to sell his Keaton Mask! Once a team buys the Keaton Mask, they will recieve their next clue."

"Oh no, the bigger ones of us are doing it!" gasped Young Link. Link and Pikachu were haggling behind them. Young Link ran up.

"Hey, you saved me!" said the guard.

"No, I drew the Master Sword!" blurted out Link.

The guard flipped Link off, and instantly gave Young Link the Keaton Mask.

"I don't think anyone else could be so stupidly lucky." said Pichu in awe, as Young Link returned.

"Let's hug!" smiled Young Link. Pichu poured bear mace on him.

Samus and Mr. Game and Watch

Currently in Last Place

Mr. Game and Watch was beeping curiously to a Goron.

"Uh, you just run up that trail there." said the Goron. "It's pretty obvious..."

"That's it?" intervened Samus. "That's pathetic advice! We've fallen to last because of all this!"

Marth and Fox

Currently in 2nd Place

"Detour!" read Fox. "Safe or Unsafe!"

"A Detour is a choice between two tasks!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Detour, teams must choose between Safe or Unsafe! In Safe, teams must hike to Goron Village! This task is not physically scary, but could make the team look like a huge chicken! In Unsafe, teams must take a zipline to the other side of Death Mountain, where they must then bungee jump off of the mountain, landing next to this cluebox! This task is more dangerous, but also more awesome!"

"Pfft, Unsafe, easy choice." said Marth.

Mario and Bowser

Currently in 3rd Place

"Bowser-a?" asked Mario. "Are you alright-a?"

Bowser was vomiting violently on himself.

"Are you-a?"

Bowser was vomiting violently on himself.

"You can do it-a!"

Bowser fell down in a pool of his own vomit.

Mario punched Bowser.

Kirby and Ness

Currently in 9th Place

"Okay, how do you think we should get to the top?" inquired Ness, looking at the towering mountain ahead.

"Hmm, how about we drink this Hearozade energy drink every few hundred feet?" suggested Kirby.

Ness slapped the Hearozade out of Kirby's hands.

"Wrong, you idiot! We simply just climb! Dumbass!" yelled Ness.

"Dumbass?" asked Kirby angrily. "Subway, anyone?"

Ness pouted.

Mario and Bowser

Currently in 2nd Place

Bowser went through the zip line, with Mario in tow.

"I did-a it!" smiled Mario, not noticing Bowser rolling his eyes.

Mario bungee jumped, then Bowser followed.

"I did-a it twice!" smiled Mario. Bowser took out a stress toy, which happened to be Sonic, and squeezed it to pieces.

Pichu and Young Link

Currently in 1st Place

"Pichu and Young Link," said Crazy Hand. "You are team number one!"

Pichu and Young Link

1st Place

"Awesome." said Young Link.

"Quite enjoyable indeed." commented Pichu.

Ike and Pit

Currently in 4th Place

"Wow, if I hadn't used those fangirls as leverage on the zipline, I wouldn't have made it!" smiled Pit.

Yoshi and Peach

Currently in 5th Place

"Why have we been neglected?" asked Yoshi.

"Was it because of the adult content in our scenes?" suggested Peach, finishing up the Detour.

Link and Pikachu

Currently in 6th Place

"That was way past cool." smiled Pikachu fondly, watching Link finish.

Roy and Ganondorf

Currently in 7th Place

"Like, I totally don't think I can do this!" squealed Ganondorf, flapping his arms hysterically.

"Yarrgh, all ye be needin' to do is grasp ye hook." replied Roy groggily. Ganondorf jumped, whimpering all the way.

"That was SO scary!" whined Ganondorf.

"Yarrgh, we be in what, seventh?" checked Roy.

"I don't know!" whined Ganondorf.

DK and Meta-Knight

Currently in 9th Place

"Stupid trail...where do we find the clue?" asked Meta-Knight, frustrated.

Samus and Mr. Game and Watch

Currently in 10th Place

"I hope we're at least ahead of one team..." despaired Samus.

Kirby and Ness

Currently in Last Place

"Excuse me?" asked Ness. "Where is the cluebox?"

"Cluebox?" asked the Goron, scratching his head. "What do you mean?"

"You idiot!" yelled Ness. "Not knowing what a cluebox is!"

"He doesn't race!" said Kirby. "How should he know!?"

DK and Meta-Knight

Currently in 9th Place

"How aren't we seeing this?" asked DK, annoyed.

"This sucks." lamented Meta-Knight.

Samus and Mr. Game and Watch

Currently in 10th Place

"We really are idiots." chuckled Samus, self-deprecator-ily?..."We can't find the box."

Mr. Game and Watch gave a hollow beep.

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff

Currently in 8th Place

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff finally made it to the clue, and opened it.

"Hmm, let's do Unsafe." said Mewtwo. "Good to see we aren't last."

Jigglypuff went on the zipline, and to Hoogiman's great delight, she did not fall off and die.

Kirby and Ness

Currently in 9th Place

"Safe or Unsafe?" asked Ness.

"Hmm, we could do Safe?" proposed Kirby. Ness smacked Kirby upside-a the head. "Fine...Unsafe..."

Kirby went across the zipline, encountering Jigglypuff at the bottom, Mewtwo and Ness soon followed.

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff

Currently in 8th Place

"Wheeeee!" called Jigglypuff, jumping, but going extremely slowly due to her puffballness. Mewtwo followed.

"This is why we shouldn't have done this!" insisted Kirby. "I'm a puffball, I'm going to go down slowly too!"

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Another commercial appeared.

"What's that Remus Lupin's problem?" asked a furious Snape to the Marauders.

"It's just his time of the month." said James calmly, looking around, waiting for a response.

"That joke is older than Dumbledore." replied Sirius.

"LULZ DUMBLEDORE'S GHEY FUR GRINDELWALD!" cried James desperately.

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Mario and Bowser

Currently in 3rd Place

"I really hope the frat brothers don't beat us to the pit stop." said Bowser, panting.

Kirby and Ness

Currently in 9th Place

Ness effortlessly jumped off, as DK and Meta-Knight arrived. Kirby nervously looked down.

"Mewtwo and Jigs did it!" called Ness. Kirby sighed, and jumped. DK and Meta-Knight soon followed.

Samus and Mr. Game and Watch

Currently in Last Place

Mr. Game and Watch gave some exhilarated beeps, as he jumped.

"I guess I should go now." shrugged Samus.

Marth and Fox

Currently in 2nd Place

"Marth and Fox, you are team number two!" smiled Crazy Hand. "GEDDIT?! NUMBER TWO?!"

Marth and Fox glanced at each other with smirks.

"Mario and Bowser," mouthed Marth. Fox nodded and winked, giving a small chuckle.

Kirby and Ness

Currently in 9th Place

"Alright, let's get into high gear!" grinned Kirby. "Off we go to the pit stop!"

Kirby jumped into the car.

Ness jumped into Kirby's lap.

"Ness, what the-" began Kirby, before Ness rested his lips on Kirby's, succulently applying his tongue and ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, YOU GODDAMN YAOI FANS?

"Well, we're behind Mewtwo and Jigglypuff..." mused Ness.

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff

Currently in 8th Place

"Kirby and Ness are so nice!" laughed Mewtwo. "They'd never pass us!"

Kirby and Ness

Currently in 9th Place

"Let's pass them."

"'K."

They passed them.

DK and Meta-Knight

Currently in 10th Place

"You're a dumbass." said DK.

"You've always been a dumbass." said Meta-Knight.

"Well, you're racing with this dumbass." said DK.

AREN'T THEY FUNNY?

Samus and Mr. Game and Watch

Currently in Last Place

"You know," said Samus matter-of-factly, "we've lost."

"Yes, but we tried, and gave it our all, and that's what matters most of all!" smiled Mr. Game and Watch.

"Yeah! Wait, what?" asked Samus. "No, really, WHAT?"

Mr. Game and Watch beeped.

"But you just spoke!" cried Samus.

Mr. Game and Watch beeped.

"NUUUEZ!1" yelled Samus.

Mr. Game and Watch didn't beep.

Samus gasped excitedly.

Mr. Game and Watch beeped.

Samus cried. A lot.

Mario and Bowser

Currently in 3rd Place

"Mario and Bowser, you are team number three!" said Crazy Hand.

"Well, I guess we're annoyed with Marth and Fox one-upping us all of the time, but it doesn't matter," said Bowser.

"YES IT DOES!" screeched Mario, ripping Bowser's face off and stapling it to a tree.

"I just wonder what makes them better racers than us..." mused Bowser.

"BECAUSE THEY'RE DOODOO FACES!" shouted Mario.

Yoshi and Peach

Currently in 4th Place

"Yoshi and Peach, you are team number four!" said Crazy Hand.

"Who?" asked Yoshi, tilting his head to the side.

Ike and Pit

Currently in 5th Place

"Ike and Pit, you are team number five!" said Crazy Hand.

"Sweet." smirked Ike, flashing perfect teeth, as Pit shook his flowing red hair out of his eyes.

Roy and Ganondorf

Currently in 6th Place

"Roy and Ganondorf, you are team number six!" said Crazy Hand.

"Yarrgh, why must we be arriving in such a clump?" asked Roy, the parrot on his shoulder (i.e. Ganondorf) nodding agreement.

"Yeah, well, shut up." said Crazy Hand.

Link and Pikachu

Currently in 7th Place

"Link and Pikachu, you are the seventh team to arrive, but you gots a penalty!" said Crazy Hand, breaking the trend.

"DAMMIT!" yelled Link. "What for?!"

Pikachu shocked Crazy Hand. "ANSWER ME!"

"Attacking the host." said Crazy Hand, brushing himself off.

"Oh...we fell for it!" chuckled Link.

Kirby and Ness

Currently in 8th Place

"Kirby and Ness, you are team number seven!" smiled Crazy Hand.

"Oh, kickass!" smiled Kirby. "I can't wait to go home and tell my friends!"

"Oh, wait...yeah..." realised Kirby quietly.

Link and Pikachu

Currently in 8th Place

"Link and Pikachu, your teeny tiny penalty is up. You are team number eight." said Crazy Hand.

"Well, that was pointless!" said Link loudly.

"I dunno guys, I liked it." smirked Kirby. Link gored Kirby's face.

Samus and Mr. Game and Watch

Currently in 9th Place

"Hey, wasn't the pit stop back there?" asked Samus.

Mr. Game and Watch beeped affirmatively.

Samus turned the car around, and drove onto the mat.

"Samus and Mr. Game and Watch, you are team number nine!" said Crazy Hand.

"Oh, alright then!" chuckled Samus.

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff

Currently in 10th Place

"I'm sensing that we were following the cynics the wrong way..." said Mewtwo. "We actually passed the pit stop..."

Jigglypuff did a violent U-turn, swerving onto the pit stop.

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you are team number ten!" chuckled Crazy Hand, watching the cynics drive off into the darkness.

DK and Meta-Knight

Currently in Last Place

"Damn, we had to turn!" spat DK bitterly.

"Whatever." replied Meta-Knight lazily.

DK and Meta-Knight hopped out of the car, and strolled to the pit stop.

"DK and Meta-Knight, you are the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand, restraining himself from laughing at them. "I'm sorry to tell you you have been eliminated from the race."

"I knew it." said DK.

"Whatever, just get out of my show." said Crazy Hand unceremoniously.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Next time, on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race," said Crazy Hand previewally, "Teams go to Corneria, where they have difficulties with an aerial task!"

"And an unlikely duo of teams try to begin an alliance!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Departure Tiems!

Pichu/Young Link: 11:23am

Marth/Fox: 11:57am

Mario/Bowser: 12:03pm

Yoshi/Peach: 12:52pm

Ike/Pit: 1:35pm

Roy/Ganondorf: 1:43pm

Kirby/Ness: 1:50pm

Link/Pikachu: 1:54pm

Samus/Mr. Game and Watch: 2:09pm

Mewtwo/Jigglypuff: 2:16pm

DK/Meta-Knight: 2:24pm - ELIMINATED

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Read, review, who'd you like, who'd you hate, give me ideas to not make this suck!


	2. Plot to Destroy the Hated In Corneria!

Thanks to anyone who's enjoyed this. Means a lot, and hopefully this can be the (second or third) best TSAR fic out there!

"Previously, on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" said Crazy Hand in a voice-over. "Eleven teams set out on a race around the world! Marth and Fox quickly antagonised Mario and Bowser by continuously beating them everywhere! While some teams were quickly proud of each other, Kirby and Mewtwo were irritated by the stupidity of their team-mates!"

"Teams travelled to Hyrule, where Samus and Mr. Game and Watch were impressed with the scenery! Pichu and Young Link, and Link and Pikachu, competed for the Fast Forward, but in the end, Pichu and Young Link checked in first! Mario and Bowser managed to control their differences to come third, but DK and Meta-Knight, were eliminated!"

"Ten teams remain, who will be eliminated next?"

The Teams?!

Pichu/Young Link (Annoying Brats)

Marth/Fox (Frat Duuuuuudes)

Mario/Bowser (Unpleasant Foes)

Yoshi/Peach (Who?)

Ike/Pit (Yaoi Subjects)

Roy/Ganondorf (Why?)

Kirby/Ness (AU Correspondents)

Link/Pikachu (Mismatch)

Samus/Mr. Game and Watch (Time-Space Anomalies)

Mewtwo/Jigglypuff (Forget Pichu/Young Link, THEY are Intelligence Contrast)

Crazy Hand was leisurely floating above Goron Village, where the first leg ended.

"This, is Goron Village," reminded Crazy Hand. "This idyllic mountain town was the first pit stop, in a race around a fictional world. Teams arrived here at the end of the last leg for a mandatory rest period, where they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams!"

Mewtwo was entertaining several Gorons by setting Darunia's organs on fire.

"Will the remaining ten teams choose to make friends or enemies? And will the bland teams become interesting? And who will be eliminated, next?" asked Crazy Hand.

"Pichu and Young Link, who were the first to arrive at 11:23am, will depart, at 11:23pm!"

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_1__st__ to Depart, 11:23pm_

Pichu and Young Link were rifling through their bags for any last-minute supplies. Yeah.

"Hey, Pichu, I know how we can capitalize on our lead to the airport!" smiled Young Link.

Pichu sighed.

"We ride on Epona!" continued Young Link. "This is Hyrule, after all!"

Young Link blew on some Horse Grass.

"Are you alright?" asked Pichu. "You look...tweeked."

"Yes, I'm alwhatever...purple...squirrel..." chuckled Young Link, clearly high. Young Link fell over onto the ground, babbling incoherently.

"Wait a minute!" cried Pichu, looking at the grass.

"Why is there grass here anyway?" wondered Pichu.

Pichu shrugged, and opened the clue.

"You must now fly to Corneria, and then find the Star Wolf Evil Headquarters!" read Pichu.

"Teams must now fly from Hyrule to Corneria, and find this place; Star Wolf's Evil Headquarters!" voice-overed Crazy Hand. "It is here, where teams will receive their next clue!"

"You have $44 for this leg of the race," noted Pichu, counting the money. "Well, I guess we'll have to make do with non-verbal communication."

Young Link followed Pichu, nodding slowly. "Duuuuude..."

_Marth__ and Fox_

_2__nd__ to Depart, 11:57am_

"Star Wolf?" asked Marth. "Bro, I thought you were called Star Fox..."

"Nah, see, Star Wolf are our rivals, and they're kinda evil, but sometimes they help us. Their leader's a Wolf, so they call themselves Star Wolf," explained Fox.

Marth tilted his head to one side.

"Brosicle," added Fox.

"Ahh..." chuckled Marth, nodding. "You know, it's a good thing we're going to Corneria, with your expertise! We're even far ahead already!"

"All we need to do is hunt down Pichu and Young Link!" smiled Fox.

"Second place is just making them get all up in my grill, know what I mean, F-money? It's totally uncool, a'ite? We just have to keep it cool, stay homies and win this legizzle to get the mazillion dozizzors in the final!" declared Marth.

"What?" asked Fox.

_Mario and Bowser_

_3__rd__ to Depart, 12:03pm_

"Even though-a the frats beat us all-a the time last leg, we stayed in the front pack-a," pointed out Mario. "But Pichu and-a Young Link won the leg-a, so we want them to lose-a!"

"Yeah, but don't we effectively want everyone except us to lose?" asked Bowser. "Since it's a race?"

Mario slapped Bowser upside the head, yo.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_4__th__ to Depart, 12:52am_

"We're going to Corneria!" smiled Peach widely.

"Corneria's the place where me and Peachie met!" said Yoshi to the camera, nuzzling Peach affectionately.

"No it isn't!" pointed out Peach cheerily, stroking Yoshi's arm.

"Well, it's the first place we had a match in?" asked Yoshi hopefully.

"Yay!" laughed Peach merrily. They made out.

_Ike and Pit_

_5__th__ to Depart, 1:35am_

Pit had safely fine-tuned his halo to glow in the dark.

"All set! Let's do this!" smiled Pit confidently.

"I'm sorry, Pit, but I can't just casually sleep with you, I'd have to know the relationship is going somewhere," lamented Ike. "I hope we can still be friends?"

"Um, I was talking about racing..." said Pit sheepishly.

"BUT YOU WON'T PAY ENOUGH ATTENTION TO ME?!" cried Ike.

"Whatever," said Pit, "Ever considered the fact that nobody likes you anyway?"

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Are there any good flights to Corneria?" asked Pichu.

"There's a flight to Termina, where you can get the earliest flight to Corneria," replied the worker, typing away at her computer.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Ok-a, people!" smiled Mario, observing Bowser, the frats, Yoshi and Peach, and Ike and Pit. "We need to get Pichu and Young Link eliminated as soon as possible! So we need to get to the fastest flight, and get a direct from Hyrule to Corneria!"

"Dude, where's your accent?" asked Marth.

"And it's entirely possible that connecting could be faster," pointed out Yoshi intelligently, "The best teams at the airports are the ones who check for arrival times, not departure times! I've bonded with you guys for this race, but I'd never associate with you willingly in real life, you idiots!"

"There's ham in my toes..." whispered Ike.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_6__th__ to Depart, 1:43a__m_

"Yarr, our competition is being obviously, the five teams ahead of us, n'yaaargh..." contributed Roy. "They all be strong racers, they all be in the lead...arr..."

"We're like, not as physical as they are!" despaired Ganondorf, flapping his arms frantically. "It's just a good thing I'm like, totally a spunk girrrrrrl!"

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"The flight to Termina leaves at 7:00am," added the worker.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Mario and Bowser_

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Ike and Pit_

_All Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Maybe Pichu and Young Link are already on a flight," wondered Ike.

"If not-a, everyone lie about our flights when we get-a them," ordered Mario.

E veryone chuckled. I guess backstabbing is pretty funny.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Like, everyone is in that alliance to totally eliminate Pichu and Young Link!" observed Ganondorf. "Can they like, really be such a threat?"

"Yarr, we're more of a threat than them, n'yarrgh?"wondered Roy, "Surely!"

"Like, screw them! Let's go Roy!" chuckled Ganondorf, trying to hi-five Roy.

Ganondorf impaled his hand on Roy's hook.

_Kirby and Ness_

_7__th__ to Depart, 1:50am_

"Well, I guess me and Ness aren't the typical team," offered Kirby, after reading the clue, "We kind of, don't get along that well,"

"Isn't that basically the only reason we're not typical?" asked Ness.

"Shut up and go to the airport," replied Kirby.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"The flight to Termina leaves at 7..." read Young Link.

"We have some time, we should look around for something better!" smiled Pichu.

"Didn't we already book this flight, though?" asked Young Link.

Pichu fed Young Link more Horse Grass.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Mario and Bowser_

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Looks like the fastest option is from Hyrule to Termina, then Termina to Corneria," reported Bowser.

"It's really hard to book tickets for a large group like this," lamented Yoshi, counting his money.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Flight to Terminarr..." pondered Roy, rifling through a series of flight brochures.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"We have to get the same flight as the others," said Kirby. "Who knows when more teams will show up?"

_Link and Pikachu_

_8__th__ to Depart, 1:54am_

"We realise we have anger problems," said Pikachu, "But we're not going to make any rash angry decisions."

"WHY IS THERE MUSTARD ON MY CLUE!" bellowed Link.

"The envelopes are already yellow!" yelled Pikachu.

"I'LL KILL YOU, EVIL MUSTARD!" yelled Link, cutting up the clue.

Production handed Link and Pikachu another clue.

"Thanks," said Pikachu, "Make your way to Corneria and th-"

"MUSTARD!" cried Link, slicing off Pikachu's hand, which was holding the clue.

_Samus__ and Mr. Game and Watch_

_9__th__ to Depart, 2:09am_

"Beep, beep beep beep, beebeep, beboboobeep, beep, bop, booboobeep," beeped Mr. Game and Watch.

"Aw, who's a little fuzzy wuzzy!" cooed Samus affectionately, petting an irate Mr. Game and Watch on the head.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Last to Depart, 2:16am_

"We're never gonna quit, because you don't quit, you never will quit, and it's physically impossible to quit!" said Jigglypuff, full of adrenaline. "We should catch up at the airport!"

"Without quitting?" asked Mewtwo angrily.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"What do we do when we get into Termina?" asked Bowser.

"We need to know where we're going all the way!" supplied Mario. "If we don't get tickets to Corneria now, we're going to get beaten at the Termina airport, and lose the leg! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!"

Mario foamed at the mouth.

"Where's your accent?" asked Bowser, having paid no attention to the rest of Mario's strategy.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Mario and Bowser are getting pretty annoying," lamented Yoshi. "I mean, I understand getting testy later in the race, but this is the beginning of the second leg."

"No way are they gonna be able to function later on," pointed out Peach ominously.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Us, and the dating dude and his girl got the early flight to Termina," said Fox to the camera, "But we don't have a flight to Corneria."

"But if we like, get to Termina first, we can get a flight before anyone else," pointed out Marth.

"We gave Marie and Rover, and Mike and Brett the slip, so now we can beat them as well as whoever we were supposed to be beating," chuckled Fox.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in __4__th__ Place_

"Like us, Kirby and his nerd, and like, Link and _Pork_achu got tickets to a 8:25 flight to Termina," smiled Ganondorf, proudly.

"Yarrgh, the other two teams didn't get tickets to Corneriarr, though," grinned Roy.

Roy pulled out two tickets in advance to Corneriarr.

"But we did, n'yaaargh..." chuckled Roy.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Damn!" muttered Bowser. "Roy and Ganondorf and those other guys got the last seats on that flight!"

"If we-a, and Ike and Pit-a weren't kibitzing, we could-a got them..." lamented Mario. "We fell from third-a to seventh-a..."

_8:25 Flight_

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Kirby and Ness_

_Link and Pikachu_

"Here we go, to Termina!" grinned Link.

_Samus__ and Mr. Game and Watch_

_Currently in 9__th__ Place_

"We need to find a flight which is going to let us catch up to the others," said Samus, stating the obvious.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in Last Place_

"Time to start working the airport," said Mewtwo.

"I'll get my gun!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"Yeah!" agreed Mewtwo.

"Wait, what?"

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"We ended up getting the same airline to fly us to Termina and Corneria that Roy and them got, but later," said Bowser. "A 9:05 flight."

_Termina_

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Ah, the memories of this place! Skull Kid really screwed things up, but I stuck with Tatl all the way, and used the masks well, and saved it all!"

"Shut up, Pichu," said Young Link, turning off Pichu's N64.

Pichu's eyes glowed red.

"NINTENDO SIXTY FOOOOOOUR!" cried Pichu.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Now I know how Mario and Bowser felt last leg," said Marth, frustrated, seeing Pichu and Young Link ahead of them. "They just can't win this leg, they just can't! It can't happen, bro!"

"NINTENDO SIXTY FOOOOOOUR!" cried Fox.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"We need to get to Corneria, it's important," negotiated Pichu, with the airline worker.

"Uh, Pichu, those guys are following us!" cried Young Link.

"Who?"

"The frats!"

"Kevin and Drew?!" asked Pichu, getting out an autograph book.

"No, the other ones!" sighed Young Link, pointing through the crowd to the barely visible Marth and Fox.

"Eric and Jeremy?!" asked Pichu, getting out another autograph book.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"We can get on their flight!" cried Marth.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Beavis and Butthead?" asked Pichu, getting out another autograph book.

"They're not frats!" yelled Young Link, "Or college students!"

"I thought you were the dumb one," replied Pichu.

"Hey, a 9:15 to Corneria," smiled Young Link, evading the subject.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 9__th__ Place_

"We're going to Termina on a 9:55 flight," reported Mewtwo, "And we picked up a flight from Termina to Corneria too, so hopefully we can avoid last."

_Samus__ and Mr. Game and Watch_

_Currently in Last Place_

"Can we have the flight that the cat and the balloon just got?" asked Samus, gesturing to Mewtwo and Jigglypuff.

"There are no seats left, please submit your names for the standby list," replied the airline worker.

"Okay," smiled Samus, writing down her name. "Now, Game and Whatever, let's look for something that will actually freaking take us!"

Samus picked up a telephone.

"No," came a voice from the other line.

"Damn," said Samus.

Mr. Game and Watch chuckled, and took a drag from his cigarette.

"Smoking, on the race?" asked Crazy Hand, randomly appearing, "You're going to jail!"

"Oh no!" cried Samus.

"In the Cornerian jail!" finished Crazy Hand.

"Yay!" cheered Samus, being dragged into Crazy Hand's private jet.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"We couldn't get on Pichu and Young Link's Corneria flight," lamented Yoshi, "But we got one that stops in Snowpeak, where apparently some yeti lives who could give us a flying sled."

"We go to Snowpeak at about 10:25, though, dude," reminded Marth.

"It's 10:24 now," said Yoshi.

"And we're in the plane now," pointed out Peach.

"Rockin'," replied Marth, whistling in awe.

_Samus__ and Mr. Game and Watch_

_Currently in Last Place_

"Have fun!" smiled Crazy Hand, as the jet passed over the skies of Castle Town.

Mr. Game and Watch beeped inquisitively.

"Hey, that language isn't tolerated aboard my jet, you punk!" cried Crazy Hand, throwing Mr. Game and Watch out of the plane.

"You idiot!" cried Samus. "I need him with me!"

"Oh...yeah..." remembered Crazy Hand, as Samus fumed, a small vein showing in her forehead. (which was saying something, as she has a freaking visor) (which doesn't obscure her forehead, ISK, you idiot) (shut up) (no) (yes) (make me)

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

The plane landed in the clear field in the peak of Snowpeak.

"We only have about forty minutes to look for Yeto," panicked Yoshi, checking his watch. His egg watch. Yeah.

"But, dude, he's there," said Fox, pointing at the large white frame of Yeto.

"Uh, you want favour, you race, uh," said Yeto, blinking stupidly.

"Damn," pouted Fox.

Peach looked nervously at the long racetrack, particularly at the trees in the middle that were about five times the height of Yeto himself.

"Shouldn't we start on a smaller slope?" asked Peach.

"That is small slope, uh," replied Yeto.

An avalanche randomly occurred, adding an extra layer of thick snow, and a few feet to the ends of the track.

* * *

Another commercial played. 

"Do you have a PS3?" asked King Dedede, with a wide grin.

"Yeah!" smiled Lucas enthusiastically.

King Dedede suddenly narrowed his eyes to glare at Lucas.

"How do you even go on living?" asked Dedede.

Lucas whimpered.

* * *

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"This was such a bad break," sighed Marth. "Now we're lost on the mountains of Hyrule, and we're cold, and we have to race this dude. Total buzzkill."

"I wonder where Mario and Bowser, and Ike and Pit went though?" wondered Peach.

"I guess they made the right decision back in Termina," said Yoshi bitterly, "Not about being first, about not being last."

Yeta arrived, and saw the four sitting around looking dejected.

"Uh, my husband make you race, uh?" asked Yeta. "Husband stupid, uh, I sled you to Corneria now-uh,"

Marth and Fox exchanged awestruck looks.

Yeta tied the four Smashers to a sled, and threw them off of the mountain.

_Pichu__ and Young Link's Flight_

_Landed at 2:35pm_

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Okay, now we have to find Star Wolf's Evil Headquarters!" grinned Pichu.

"That's in downtown Corneria, though," said Young Link, checking the map. "We need a train."

"Right, we need the train station..." sighed Pichu.

"It's about a four hour drive from here!" smiled a passing anthropomorphic squirrel.

"Damn!" cried Young Link. "How big is this town!"

The squirrel opened his mouth to answer, but suddenly found his tongue had been removed by way of the Kokiri sword.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Crashlanded__ at 6:15pm_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"We're here!" smiled Marth. "Now to like, board a train or whatever!"

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Can we get the first train to downtown Corneria?" asked Pichu.

"You know, this has been about 13 pages of transport, and we're like, one of the only teams in Corneria," observed Young Link.

"Shut up, you're the dummy," said Pichu.

"You know, this has been about 13 pages of transport, and we're like, one of the only teams in Corneria," observed Pichu.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Landed at 6:20pm_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Yarrgh, trains are a four hour drive?" asked Roy incredulously.

"Man, that sucks!" whined Ganondorf.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Ike and Pit_

_Landed at 7:10pm_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Hopefully, we can get the same train and be re-united with the alliance!" grinned Pit, wading through fangirls.

"Why don't-a we have any fangirls?" asked Mario.

"No idea," Bowser replied, setting the Corneria Academy for Ovulating Females between the Ages of 20 and 35 on fire by accident.

"Hey, as a woman I find that offensive!" objected Pit.

"I don't think I want to be on your team anymore," said Ike.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Good thing NO-ONE ELSE got on the train!" grinned Young Link annoyingly.

"Detour!" said Pichu, reading the clue.

"This is Star Wolf's headquarters?" wondered Young Link, looking around at the seedy alleyway.

"Arwing or Landmaster?" asked Pichu.

"A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" announced Crazy Hand. "In this Detour, teams have to choose between Arwing, or Landmaster!"

_"In __Arwing__, teams must board one of the ten __Arwings__ that famous naughty man Wolf __O'Donnel__ stole seven seconds prior to the airing of the show! Once a team has an __Arwing__, they must fly it through this one mile long course! What the teams don't __know,__ is that the __Arwings__ will have bricks tied to the wings!"_

_"In __Landmaster__, teams drive a __Landmaster__, which has nothing tied to it, down another course below the aerial course used for the other __task!__ This may seem easier, but while the __Arwing__ course is a straight, one mile course, the __Landmaster__ course has many turns, and will eventually add up to six miles!"_

_"Whatever choice the team makes, after they complete either task, they will have arrived, and have delivered, the vehicle back to Star Fox Headquarters, where they will receive the next clue!"_

"Let's do the Arwings," decided Young Link. "It should be easier to fly in a line rather than ride a huge tank for so long."

"We better make good use of the controls," sighed Pichu nervously, noticing he needed a phone book to reach the controls from the seat. "I'll pilot it."

"I think I got the hang of the footbrakes," said Young Link, crouched down painfully on the floor.

"I just hope that goddamn alliance isn't anywhere near us," said Pichu bitterly. "I don't want them to find out how hopelessly screwed we are on this Detour. Plus, they have Fox."

"And people actually over four feet?" asked Young Link.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"We're like, having a way better time than last leg!" smiled Ganondorf, taking her, I mean, HIS seat, on the train.

"Yarrgh, we're racing a lot bettarrr!" chuckled Roy, watching the window.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"We did it!" cheered Pichu, as the Arwing haphazardly landed in front of Star Fox HQ.

"Here's your clue!" said Peppy, giving Young Link a clue.

"Take one of three dated Cornerian sewer tours..." read Young Link, rubbing his spine.

_"Teams must now sign up for one of three __Cornerian__ sewer tours!" declared Crazy Hand. "Each of the tours leaves tomorrow, the first at 7:30 am, the second at 10 am, and the last one at 1:30pm! Once the teams are on a sewer tour, they must keep their eyes peeled for a clue box in this small alcove!"_

"Wow, now we have a lot of time to kill!" grinned Young Link.

Pichu and Young Link ran outside, sat outside the sewers, and slowly ate a sandwich each.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Arrrwing or Landmastarrr?" asked Roy.

"Arwing! Totally!" decided Ganondorf at once.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"You think anyone's really gunning for us at this early stage?" asked Pichu.

"Nah," replied Young Link lazily.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"It's everyone against Pichu and Young Link, baby!" laughed Fox maniacally.

Marth ripped off his shirt to reveal a crudely drawn tattoo of himself and Fox flipping off Pichu and Young Link.

"I LOVE THIS COMPANY!" cried Marth.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Ooh! Ooh!" cried Young Link. "That cloud looks like a Zora!"

"That cloud looks like another Zora!" cried Pichu, pointing to the same cloud.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Damn, piloting this thing is like, hard!" screamed Ganondorf.

Roy and Ganondorf crashed into Falco, who was flying around nearby.

"Oh my gawd!" cried Ganondorf. "I am so sorry!"

"Oh, well that's quite alright! No harm done!" smiled Falco.

Falco died.

"Yarrgh, the aerial seas be treacherous..." sighed Roy, as the Arwing hit a building.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Detour! Arwing or Landmaster!" read Peach.

"Aw, but tanks are slow, and probably effeminate!" pouted Yoshi. "I want to do the Arwings!"

"That's a terrible excuse!" yelled Peach. "And as a woman, and your girlfriend, I demand that we do the Landmaster!"

"No," replied Yoshi.

"OK, fine then!" said Peach, arms crossed, getting into an Arwing.

"And shave tonight!" continued Peach.

Yoshi sighed.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Dude, Yoshi!" called Marth. "We're doin' the tanks!"

"Oh, good choice!" replied Peach pointedly, glaring at Yoshi.

"I'll steer it, since as a woman you'll be busy no doubt with cooking!" declared Yoshi.

"There's like, a foot of extra space around here, and no cooking utensils," pointed out Peach.

"I thought this was OUR scene!" shouted Fox from outside the planes.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Ok, I think I can like, totally do this now!" smiled Ganondorf cheerily, flying slowly down the middle of the track. "Aren't we like, catching up?"

Ganondorf fell out of the plane, grabbing onto one of the wings for dear support.

"Yearrrgh, perhaps I should have closed the cockpit," decided Roy.

Roy closed the cockpit.

"Good as new, n'yargh!" smiled Roy.

Ganondorf tapped on the window helplessly.

Roy put down the Arwing's...curtains...yeah.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Ok, dude, I'll drive," said Fox, "And you open the turret canopy, and navigate from there!"

"Hey, look who's back!" smiled Marth, pointing.

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Let's do the Arwings, I have experience on the sky!" grinned Pit cheesily and anime-y.

"Poor reason, but whatever," replied Ike, getting into an Arwing.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Arwings, then we have a better idea of how many teams are ahead," said Bowser, noticing the three other teams in the sky.

Mario jumped in a stolen Arwing, and immediately crashed into the side of Wolf's base.

Wolf glared angrily.

"Sorry-a," said Mario weakly.

Leon threw things at Mario.

"Sorry-a," said Mario weakly.

Panther seduced Mario.

"Sorry-a?!" panicked Mario.

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

Ike looked over at Panther and Mario.

"On second thought, tanks sound pretty cool," sweated Ike.

"Yeah, let's go," said Pit nervously.

"Hell yeah," agreed Ike.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Ganondorf punched a hole in the cockpit, and jumped back in.

"Like, let's rock!" smiled Ganondorf confidently.

Ganondorf fell out of the plane, grabbing onto one of the wings for dear support.

Roy chuckled pirately, and taped over the hole in the cockpit.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"This tank course is long, man," noticed Marth, with a sigh.

"No problem," smirked Fox.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Fine, YOU navigate!" said Ganondorf angrily.

Roy got out of the driver's seat, and stared out of the window.

"We really don't harrrve time for this..." said Roy.

Ganondorf shoved Roy out of the plane. Roy grabbed one of the wings for dear support.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Oops, looks like we got Mike and Brett on our tails!" called Marth, looking behind him.

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"There's Marth and Fox!" smiled Ike, waving.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Harder than it looks..." muttered Yoshi, crashing the Arwing into the building that Roy and Ganondorf crashed into earlier.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

Bowser almost crashed, and nearly broke the window with one of his spikes.

"Mario, could you please help a little bit?" asked Bowser testily.

Mario was staring at the phone number Panther had given him, contemplating something.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"There arrrrr the clues!" pointed out Roy, crashing the plane into Peppy's hand. "Take one of three Cornerian sewer tours!"

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Hey, it's HQ!" smiled Fox, running up to Peppy.

"Looks like Yoshi and his girlfriend are landing!" pointed out Marth.

Fox took a clue from Peppy, shot Slippy, threw another one to Yoshi, who had just stepped down from his Arwing, shot Slippy, ran off, and shot Slippy.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Ah, the tang-a of love..." sighed Mario, holding a picture of Panther.

Bowser started chewing on a stress ball.

"Wait, there's the clues!" spat out Bowser. "Let's run!"

"Panther used to run-a..." sighed Mario, holding a picture of Panther.

Bowser picked Mario up, cursing.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Hey, guys!" smiled Pichu, watching as Roy and Ganondorf approached.

"You guys are doing a lot better this leg!" observed Young Link.

"Yeah, like, I think we've both been underestimated!" chuckled Ganondorf. "We both like, totally nailed the alliance, and we're just more in tune with our racing skills!"

"Yarrgh, if only we werrrre the only teams on the faaarst tour..." mused Roy.

"What?" asked Pichu.

_Ike and Pit _

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"I see the clues!" yelled Ike, pointing at a smiling Peppy.

Pit ran up and graciously took a clue from Peppy.

"NO! DON'T LEAVE ME IN THE TANK!" whined Ike desperately.

Pit sighed, and took a step towards the tank.

"Thanks Pit!" smiled Ike, instantly changing mood.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Damn..." sighed Young Link.

"We got you now, you slippery li'l bugga!" cheered Marth.

"I thought you were, like, frats." Ganondorf objected.

Fox shot Ganondorf.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Landed at 11:35pm_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"We had a little trouble with flights..." sighed Kirby, shaking his hea...sighed NESS, shaking his head.

"We need to get things done around here, and fast..." agreed whichever one didn't just speak.

"I have no idea where the other teams are in relation to us..." sighed the other one.

_Link and Pikachu_

_Landed at 11:47pm_

_Who?_

_I mean_

_Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"I don't like our situation at all..." sighed Pikachu.

"Makes me so mad, I could spit!" spitted Link, spitting on the ground.

Link was arrested and let out simultaneously for desecrating Cornerian soil.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Mario and Bowser_

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I thought we'd never see each other again!" smiled Pit emotionally, hugging Fox in a manly way.

Roy did an over-exaggerated eye-roll.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Landed at 12:30am_

_Currently in 9__th__ Place_

The two Pokemon sadly dragged themselves through the Cornerian airport.

"We're done for..." sighed Jigglypuff.

"Whatever happened to never giving up?" remarked Mewtwo. "You're such a hypocrite, it honestly disgusts me. I'm not even sure it should be you who's the defeated type. I always figured I was the pessimist of the team,"

"GO! GO! GO!" cried Jigglypuff, full of adrenaline.

"Ness, Pichu, and Falco would have been better choices for teammates..." Mewtwo sighed.

_1__st__ Sewer Tour_

_7:30am_

"We've been rejoined by the alliance..." sighed Young Link dismissively.

"We did get some sleep in, which is good," added Pichu.

The sewer tour began.

"Oh, finally!" smiled Yoshi.

"Our goal for this leg was to catch Pichu and Young Link," said Fox evilly. "And here we are. A bunch point, dude. They've got nothing but the lead they got from the Fast Forward last time."

"Actually," said Ganondorf, who had heard Fox, "They've actually outraced you upfront at several points this leg. So, yeah, what the hell is the problem with your alliance? Just like, leave them alone!"

"Hey, dude, we just don't want them to win two legs in a row," said Marth defensively.

"Right," said Ganondorf, "But why does that mean you should totally diss them all the time? The only reason you're even tied with them is because of the tour schedule. They were expanding on their lead, until a bunching point occurred. And if I heard right, you ended up in Snowpeak, and if the girl yeti hadn't interfered, you'd be dead on a mountain in Hyrule, while they'd be here. So, like, yeah, shut up."

Marth and Fox blinked at Ganondorf.

Pichu and Young Link walked up, and restrained Ganondorf.

"It's okay, let them be that way," said Pichu. "They'll just regret it later. There's four teams in their alliance, just means they are certain to lose someone along the way."

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

Kirby and Ness jogged up to the clue box, and read the clue.

"Detour, Arwing or Landmaster?" asked Kirby.

"Let's do the Arwings," decided Ness.

Kirby and Ness got in the plane.

"We're flying a little too west," pointed out Ness.

Kirby corrected himself.

Kirby and Ness landed smoothly at the Star Fox loading dock, and took a clue.

"The second sewer tour's at 10:00am," read Kirby, "What time is it?"

"9:50..." groaned Ness sadly. "Peppy, sir, where do we register for a sewer tour?"

"There's no way we're making it on the tour..." sighed Kirby nervously.

"It's over there," smiled Peppy, pointing at some spot twenty metres away.

Kirby looked at his stubby feet.

"Walking there's going to take hours!" lamented Kirby.

* * *

"Hey, kids!" smiled Vector the Crocodile. "Do you need mysteries to be solved?" 

"Yeah!" cried Luigi, the only member of the studio audience.

"Well, call the Chaotix Detective Agency, and we'll solve any case!" smiled Vector.

Vector indicated Espio and Charmy, both of whom were wearing ridiculously overbearing Sherlock Holmes hats.

"Chaotix Detective Agen-cy!" sang Vector and Charmy.

Espio tentatively raised one of his knives, then grabbed his other hand and muttered "Soon, soon..."

* * *

"PK...RUN!" yelled Ness, running full-pelt across the perilous twenty-metres. 

"I'm...so...tired..." coughed Kirby, defeated.

Kirby fell over, and fell into the sewer.

"We made it!" grinned Ness, hi-fiving Kirby's foot.

_Link and Pikachu_

_Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"Yeah, let's do the Arwings!" smiled Pikachu.

"Hell yeah, Link say YEAH! It's time to kick some ass, boogie woogie!" yelled Link annoyingly.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 9__th__ Place_

Jigglypuff ran off the train, and found the cluebox five seconds before Mewtwo.

"The box is over here, go, move, you big dumb poopoo!" laughed Jigglypuff ecstatically.

Mewtwo said nothing, and made his way over to an Arwing.

Jigglypuff yelled at Mewtwo in her gratingly high voice.

Link and Pikachu and Mewtwo and Jigglypuff got to go on the last sewer tour.

Mewtwo killed Jigglypuff.

"I knew I was forgetting something," said Mewtwo, slapping his forehead.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

Kirby and Ness were the only ones on the second sewer tour, and they were happily chattering away while their tour guide led them through the sewers.

"We have a three hour lead on the teams behind us!" cheered Kirby happily.

"And now that's two or three teams who are tied for last!" smiled Ness.

_Cornerian__ Prison Complex_

_Samus__ and Mr. Game and Watch_

_Currently in Last Place_

"We have no idea where the others are, so hopefully we get paroled on time!" smiled Samus hopefully.

Mr. Game and Watch sighed.

"Alright you two, you're free to go if you can prove you weren't smoking on the race," deliberated General Pepper.

Samus shot General Pepper and ran for it.

"There's smoke coming from her gun!" shouted another dog. "She's smoking on the race! Get her!"

Samus was arrested again.

_1__st__ Sewer Tour_

_Reached Alcove_

_"Teams must now exit the sewers, and find the __Cornerian__ Army Base!" explained Crazy Hand. "Once teams get there, they will receive their next clue!"_

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Taxi!" cried Young Link. "Take us to the Cornerian Army Base!"

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Taxi!" cried Bowser. "Take us to the Cornerian Army Base!"

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Taxi!" cried Ganondorf. "Take us to the Cornerian Army Base!"

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Taxi!" cried Ike. "Take us to the Cornerian Army Base!"

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Taxi!" cried Marth. "Take us to the Cornerian Army Base!"

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Taxi!" cried Peach. "Take us to the Cornerian Army Base!"

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Pichu and Young Link could get really cocky if they come first again," discussed Marth. "Dude, we can't let them win."

Fox accelerated dangerously, and they passed everyone somehow. Cause they're awesome.

Ike and Pit followed suit, until they had put Pichu and Young Link in third place.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Our driver sucks, this isn't fair..." groaned Yoshi.

"I have no idea where we're going..." sighed Peach.

The driver smirked evilly, and by the way, it wasn't Wolf if that's what you're implying.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"This way, dudes!" smiled Marth confidently, leading Fox, Ike and Pit the wrong way. Mario and Bowser scoffed, and continued driving the right way.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Over here!" alerted Pichu, pointing the correct way. Roy and Ganondorf's cab followed.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"There's the base-a!" cried Mario, jumping out of his taxi. Pichu and Young Link got out and followed.

"Beat them to the clue!" yelled Bowser, stomping on Pichu as he passed.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Roy ran around to the cluebox, threw a clue back on the ground for Pichu to scrape up, and read the clue.

"N'arrgh...Road Block..." read Roy.

_"A Road Block is a task only one member can perform!" __said__ Crazy Hand. "In this Road Block, teams must go around town and search for three blasters with their names on them! _

"I'll do it," decided Roy.

"Yarrgh."

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Bowser-a, let me take this," decided Mario. "With your-a hernia, it'll be-"

"Nah, that was with Ness," shrugged Bowser.

Mario poked Bowser.

"AAAAAAAH! SWEET SON OF A-GRAAAAGH!" yelled Bowser. Mario ran off.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"I'll do it, I'm the chosen one!" smiled Pichu. Roy was walking off towards the city centre, and Pichu ran over to join him.

Roy ran off.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"I'll do this, dude," smiled Marth, running off towards Pichu and the running Roy with a sick grin on his face.

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Ike, don't worry, I got this one," said Pit, "I can FLY."

"Yeah, but then it'll be harder for you to see the blasters," pointed out Ike.

Pit killed Ike.

_Marth_

_Blasters Found: 1_

"I got one!" cried Marth, running back after having realised something, and taking Fox's blaster.

_Roy_

_Blasters Found: 0_

"Yarrgh, this be devilish," lamented Roy.

"Don't be so sure," said Pichu. "We could always search the city in sectors, henceforth referred to as Sectors Alpha, Beta, and Gamma. I could scour Alpha, with you covering Beta, and we could meet up and perform Gamma together!"

Roy realised they were standing in front of a gun shop.

Roy stabbed the window, took six guns, and handed three to Pichu.

"Run ferr it," advised Roy. They ran back. Woo.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Make your way to the next pit stop..." read Pichu.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"General Pepparr's quaaarrrters..." read Roy.

_"Teams must now make their way to General Pepper's quarters, in the top floor of the __Cornerian__ Army Base!" said Crazy Hand. "The last team to check in __here,__ may be eliminated."_

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Where is the forking base?!" asked Yoshi, frustrated.

The driver got out and asked a raccoon for directions.

"Yeah, um, it's about three or four miles that way," said the raccoon, pointing over her shoulders.

_Samus__ and Mr. Game and Watch_

_Currently in Last Place_

Samus was looking around the cell lazily, when she noticed a small hatch.

"Gaywatch, we can get through there!" declared Samus, pointing ecstatically.

Mr. Game and Watch beeped thoughtfully, then nodded. Samus went into her Morph Ball, and rolled through the tunnel behind the hatch.

Mr. Game and Watch beeped nervously.

Samus hit a button at the end of the tunnel.

The prison doors opened.

Mr. Game and Watch beeped merrily.

Samus emerged, picked up Game and Watch, and ran.

"There's people at the base!" smiled Samus, "Let's get back in the game!"

* * *

Zelda sat in her lonely castle in Hyrule. 

"Sigh...Link's gone..." sighed Zelda. "No-one to protect the Triforce from the hands of Ganondorf..."

Zelda strolled out to a balcony, and looked wistfully at her kingdom.

"Wait a minute..." surmised Zelda. "Ganondorf's gone too, which means..."

Hurriedly, Zelda ran to the chamber where the Triforce was being held.

"Mine..." whispered Zelda. "The full Triforce is finally mine!"

Zelda laughed evilly.

* * *

_Mario _

_Blasters Found: 0_

"Marth, this is hard-a!" complained Mario, seeing that Marth was nearest. "Almost as hard-a as Ganondorf's Math Barbies-a!"

Marth nodded slowly, and then picked up a blaster visible only to him.

"Two! Two!" chanted Marth frattishly, running off into the not quite sunset.

_Pit_

_Blasters Found: 0_

"This is insane..." struggled Pit, landing back on the ground.

"It's taking too long!" called the ever-supportive Ike.

"Hey, Mario can't find any either!" retorted Pit. "So shut up, we don't have to lose here!"

Both Pit and Mario found a blaster each.

"Well, that shut me up," said Ike sheepishly.

_Marth_

_Blasters Found: 2_

"Third blaster...third blaster..." mused Marth feverishly, skimming around the city.

Fox chewed some gum in disgust, watching his team-mate's frustration.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Pichu and Young Link were running to the quarters, where the mat was. They jumped on the mat, which was on General Pepper's bed.

"Pichu and Young Link, you are team number one!" declared Crazy Hand.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_1__st__ Place_

"D'aww, this is great!" smiled Pichu. "The alliance is definitely making the race more fun!"

"It's great, now we feel compelled to beat them, it's awesome!" cheered Young Link.

"Being ganged up on is the best!" Pichu went on.

_Marth_

_Blasters Found: 3_

"There it is!" cheered Marth. "Fox, come on!"

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"It's a Road Block," noticed Peach.

_Mario_

_Blasters Found: 3_

_Pit_

_Blasters Found: 3_

"We're off to the pit-a stop!" grinned Mario, picking up two blasters and handing Pit one.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Roy and Ganondorf, you are team number two," said Crazy Hand. "Interesting, despite Ganondorf's stupidity, and your lack of communication skills, you two moved up from sixth to second. Bravo!"

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_2__nd__ Place_

"We're not as, uh, yeah, popular as other teams, but if Pichu and Young Link are the only team who can beat us in a physical leg, then like, we could win in the end!" smiled Ganondorf.

Crazy Hand gave a twitching smile...with his dimple...palms...shut up.

_Yoshi_

_Blasters Found: 0_

"Better get started..." sighed Yoshi, biting his lip.

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Ike and Pit, you're team number three!" said Crazy Hand. "And come on in, Marth and Fox! You're team number four!"

_Ike and Pit_

_3__rd__ Place_

_Marth__ and Fox_

_4__th__ Place_

"I feel bad about poking Bowser's hernia," admitted Ike sheepishly.

_Yoshi_

_Blasters Found: 3_

"Well, lucky someone didn't finish raiding the gun store!" grinned Yoshi, with three guns. "The first five teams must be about within five minutes of each other! I wonder if we can still make fourth or fifth..."

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Bowser, you're team number five!" smiled Crazy Hand. "And kudos for letting Mario stand on the mat with you!"

_Mario and Bowser_

_5__th__ Place_

Mario caressed a rose. "This-a was Panther's..." he sighed breathlessly.

"Yeaaaah...uh..." Crazy Hand spotted something. "Yoshi and Peach, you're team number six!"

_Samus__ and Mr. Game and Watch_

_Currently in Last Place_

"Hurry, you stupid paper man!" cried Samus. "The base might arrest us again, so we can't be seen!"

Mr. Game and Watch fell through the sidewalk, and landed in the sewer.

"NO!" cried Samus, jumping through a manhole.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"There's the alcove!" pointed out Ness.

Kirby was crushed by Samus.

"I'm nervous!" worried Ness. "Now we know there's a team by us! I better get up there and do the Road Block! Should I put on my glasses?"

"I wouldn't worry about doing anything!" smirked Samus, charging a shot.

"Aw, son of a bitch..." sighed Kirby. He took a screwdriver, and unscrewed Samus' Arm Cannon.

"Hey look, a blaster!" smiled Ness, picking up the machinery.

Samus cursed, ripped off her Chozo suit, and threatened Ness as Zero Suit Samus.

"Hey, look, a blaster!" smiled Ness, taking her Plasma Whip.

Kirby swallowed Samus, and got his fake Samus Arm Cannon.

"Hey look, a blaster!" smiled Ness, taking the fake Arm Cannon.

Mr. Game and Watch used the Judgement Hammer.

It was a 9.

Kirby and Ness were blown onto the pit stop.

"Kirby and Ness, you are team number seven!" smiled Crazy Hand.

They hi-fived.

_Last Sewer Tour_

Link and Pikachu, and Mewtwo and Jigglypuff trampled Mr. Game and Watch, and ran over to the cluebox.

"You do it, peasant cat!" screamed Jigglypuff, swiftly slapping Mewtwo in the face.

Mewtwo used his psychic powers to draw a blaster towards him.

"Don't screw with us psychics," scoffed Mewtwo, turning to Link and Pikachu.

Jigglypuff cheered half-heartedly.

Link and Pikachu took out all the guns they had from Achievement Unlocked.

"Damnit," said Mewtwo.

Link and Pikachu ran to the pit stop.

"Get them!" cried Mewtwo, using his powers to draw two blasters towards them as they ran.

"We gave it our best shot..." said Jigglypuff gravely.

"But we're going to be fine," replied Mewtwo.

Jigglypuff poisoned Mewtwo.

"Link and Pikachu, you're team number eight!" said Crazy Hand. "Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you're team number nine!"

"That's really really crap," replied Jigglypuff. "I hate you."

"Same result, eh?" asked Link. "That's good."

"Aren't we angry we came eighth?" asked Pikachu.

Link killed him.

_Samus__ and Mr. Game and Watch_

_Currently in Last Place_

Production fished Samus and Mr. Game and Watch out of the sewer systems, and gave them a ride to the pit stop.

Crazy Hand looked sad.

"Samus and Mr. Game and Watch, you're the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand sadly.

Samus shook Crazy Hand's pinky sadly.

Mr. Game and Watch had a beeping monologue, lasting ten minutes.

"Aw, I love you too!" smiled Samus, making out with Mr. Game and Watch.

"They were dating?" asked Crazy Hand.

Arrival Times!1

Pichu and Young Link: 10:56pm

Roy and Ganondorf: 10:58pm

Ike and Pit: 10:59pm

Marth and Fox: 11:00pm

Mario and Bowser: 11:01pm

Yoshi and Peach: 11:03pm

Kirby and Ness: 1:29am

Link and Pikachu: 3:26am

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff: 3:28am

Samus and Mr. Game and Watch: 3:42am – ELIMINATED

* * *

Read, review, whine about it. 


	3. Half a Chapter of Train Drama In Johto!

Uh, you can go ahead and sue if you want. No-one will believe you.

* * *

The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race

Leg3

* * *

"Previously on the Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" recapped Crazy Hand. "Ten teams left Hyrule, and travelled to Corneria! "

"An alliance, consisting of four teams, rose to defeat Pichu and Young Link! However, Roy and Ganondorf showed respect for Pichu and Young Link, who were casually ignoring the alliance's oppression!"

"At the back of the pack, tensions rose between Mewtwo and Jigglypuff once again! However, in the end, Samus and Mr.Game and Watch were eliminated!"

"Nine teams remain, who will be eliminated, next?"

* * *

Teams!1 (with ratings out of one?!)

Pichu/Young Link (0.25)

Roy/Ganondorf (0.75)

Ike/Pit (0.75)

Marth/Fox (0.75)

Mario/Bowser (0.5)

Yoshi/Peach (0.5)

Kirby/Ness (0.75)

Link/Pikachu (0.5)

Mewtwo/Jigglypuff (0.75)

* * *

Crazy Hand was floating around...General Pepper's bedroom...yeeeeah... 

"This is General Pepper's bedroom!" said Crazy Hand, almost proudly.

Master Hand nodded, took a puff from a cigar, and burned Crazy Hand's wallet.

"This bedroom was the second pit stop in a race around the world!" continued Crazy Hand. "Teams arrived here at the end of the last leg for a mandatory rest period, where they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams!"

Ike and Fox were talking, while Mario listened intently in a non-stalker way, as obligatory minglin' footage.

"Pichu and Young Link, who were the first to arrive at 10:56pm, will depart at 10:56am!"

_Pichu and Young Link _

_1__st__ to Depart, 10:56am_

"Make your way out of the base, and to Ecruteak City, Johto!" read Pichu.

_"Teams must now take a cab to the airport, and fly to __Ecruteak__ City, __Johto__!" said Crazy Hand. "One there, they must find the Burned Tower, a historic landmark in __Pokemon__ history, where __Raikou__Entei__, and __Suicune__ were resurrected by the sacred __Pokemon__ Ho-oh! It is here, where teams will receive the next clue!"_

Pichu and Young Link headed for the cabs.

"As a Pokemon, I feel very good about going back to the Pokemon world!" smiled Pichu obnoxiously.

"Especially since we'll obviously win the leg!" added Young Link.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_2__nd__ to Depart, 10:58am_

"We've realised that travelling with another team has its advantages," said Ganondorf. "But it's like, really damaging to our cred when it's Pichu and Young Link!"

"Arr, it be more beneficial to try and get arrquainted with the next few teams," explained Roy.

"Hey guys!" smiled Young Link. "Ready to travel together?"

"Yeah, uh, listen..." said Ganondorf. "It's pretty clear that you're not very popular, and if we want to make any kind of progress on this race, we like, can't be directly associated with you."

Pichu and Young Link stared at Ganondorf, heartbroken.

"I hope you understand," continued Ganondorf.

"Arr, it only be because nobody likes ye," added Roy.

Pichu and Young Link ran away crying.

"Now let's try Ike, and Pit!" smiled Ganondorf.

_Ike and Pit_

_3__rd__ to Depart, 10:59am_

"Oh, hey guys," said Pit, dejected, seeing Roy and Ganondorf waiting for them.

"Can we be your friends??!?!?!" asked Ganondorf, sending several comments to Ike's MyFaceBookPage account.

Ike sighed..."We'll try you out, if it'll make you stop spamming me..."

"YAAAAY!" squealed Ganondorf.

Roy gave a smile. "Yarr, keeping all our enemies closarrr..."

"What?" asked Ike.

"Nothing..." smiled Roy. He then dropped his voice to a whisper, and added, "Soon, my pretties, soon...n'yarrgh..."

Ike and Pit sidestepped nervously, until they reached a taxi.

"Fast," said Pit quickly.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Okay," sniffed Young Link, drying his eyes on his sleeve, "Let's try to get a flight,"

"We're closed til tomorrow morning," said the ticket agent bluntly, as soon as Young Link opened his mouth to ask for a flight.

"The board says you're open for another four hours," said Pichu.

"Yeah, uh, listen..." began the ticket agent. "It's pretty clear that you're not very popular, and if we want to make any kind of progress on this story, we like, can't be directly associated with you."

Pichu and Young Link stared at the ticket agent, heartbroken.

"I hope you understand," continued the ticket agent. "It's only because no-one likes you."

Pichu and Young Link ran away crying.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_4__th__ to Depart, 11:00am_

"We're going to Johto, dude," noticed Fox, running out of the base. "And I have no idea about anything in Pokemon, so hopefully you know a lot,"

"Dude, maybe we can force someone to tell us," reasoned Marth, getting into the taxi.

_Mario and Bowser_

_5__th__ to Depart, 11:01am_

"Me and Bowser, we realise-a we're a dysfunctional team-a," explained Mario. "We'll use our limited-a skills, and hope for the best-a!"

Mario and Bowser ran aimlessly through the base.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_6__th__ to Depart, 11:03am_

"Peach and I are already winners," explained Yoshi, "Because we'd never sacrifice the dynamics of our relationship for a million dollars, and we realise that-"

The cameraman started walking away, bored.

"We need to work together to-"

The cameraman got into the taxi.

"Stay in the ra-"

The cameraman closed the door.

Yoshi and Peach broke the window and jumped in angrily.

_Kirby and Ness_

_7__th__ to Depart, 1:29pm_

"Coming seventh twice in a row has really made me realise how hard even the early legs are," noted Ness. "So, Kirby, what should our strategy be?"

"I solemnly state that we should beat everyone else, tie them up, throw them in a lake, burn any survivors, and take the million," said Kirby in a blasé manner.

_Link and Pikachu_

_8__th__ to "Depart", 3:26pm_

The alarm clock in Link and Pikachu's corner of the base rang, but Mewtwo used his psychic abilities to mute it.

"We must not come second last again," said Mewtwo solemnly.

Link stirred in his sleep.

"Hush, my little angry insane foe..." soothed Mewtwo, stroking Link's hat evilly. "Mewtwo, you are goooood,"

_3:30pm_

Pikachu slowly woke up, dazed.

"Ugh...why didn't the alarm ring?" muttered Pikachu. "Did I sleep through it?"

Pikachu dragged himself awake, woke up Link, and they made their way down to begin the leg.

"I don't feel guilty at all," cackled Mewtwo. "It IS a race, muhahahaha!"

_Link and Pikachu_

_8.5__th__ to Depart, 3:37pm_

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff are probably happy we overslept..." complained Link. Pikachu fervently nodded.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Last to Depart, 3:38pm_

"D'aww corn dogs, we missed our time too with all my tinkering," lamented Mewtwo.

Jigglypuff slapped him, and opened the clue.

"Johto! YAY! My little sister was born there!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"Little what? That'd be an Igglybuff..." Mewtwo told himself. "Damn, there's more of them."

Mewtwo teleported to the airport.

With Jigglypuff.

_Everyone_

_Currently in an Airport_

"We can't-a fly til morning," informed Mario, "So no-one has-a left yet,"

"Perfect, muhahahaha!" cackled Mewtwo.

_"All teams have booked flights to Kanto, where they will take the Magnet Train to Goldenrod City!" said Crazy Hand. "The last flight, leaving at 7:00am, contains Roy and __Ganondorf__, and Ike and Pit. Everyone else is on the first flight to Kanto, leaving at 6:50am, and arriving at 7:50!"_

_Kanto_

_7:50am_

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"This is a mad dash all over Saffron City, looking for trains," explained Peach, running alongside Yoshi.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"There is no room," said Sabrina, appearing before Marth and Fox. "All trains will be fully booked. Resistance is futile,"

Sabrina teleported away with her Kadabra.

"She was hot," said Marth.

"Cheyeah, dude," replied Fox fervently.

_Link and Pikachu_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Sorry sir, no rats allowed on the train," negotiated the train guy man dude.

"Damnit!" grunted Pikachu.

"My rat can talk, please!" pleaded Link.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Mewtwo appeared at the desk, and choked the uncooperative worker to death.

"Yeah, that's right, n00b," chortled Mewtwo.

"This is insanity!" cried Jigglypuff.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Yoshi, Peach, help!" called Pichu.

"Weren't they in that alliance that hates us?" asked Young Link.

"What is it," began Yoshi, who spat on the ground. "Pichu?"

"Let's try to find the trains together!" called Pichu.

"Yeah, uh, listen..." began Yoshi. "It's pretty clear that you're not very popular, and if we want to make any kind of progress on this race, we like, can't be directly associated with you."

Pichu and Young Link stared at Yoshi and Peach, heartbroken.

"I hope you understand," added Peach. "It's only because no-one likes you."

Pichu and Young Link ran after them crying.

_Link and Pikachu_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Here come Yoshi and Peach, followed by those other guys who look like us," noticed Link.

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff are coming from the other way," said Pikachu, biting his lip nervously.

Link drew his sword, and slashed at Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, who stopped in their tracks.

"Not so fast, Cat'n'Brat!" said Link proudly. "Us, and those two teams are already here, no-one's getting on the train with us!"

"Cat'n'Brat?" asked Pikachu. "That was so freaking lame."

"You can just wait right here!" declared Link.

Mewtwo ignored him, and focused his attention on a worker.

"Hey, help over here!" called Mewtwo.

"Those guys are really being annoying," said Link.

Peach took a step forward, and called out, "Hey, Pokemon, we're already in line, get in the back!"

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff are playing the game, we know," said Pikachu, "But it's really annoying everyone else."

Mewtwo summoned a pair of train tickets.

"See what I mean?" said Pikachu.

Pichu and Young Link walked away.

"Hey, you, green guy and pink girl, we got your request for a train," said a train worker.

"Oh, wonderful!" said Peach. She and Yoshi left.

"Alright," said the train worker, once Pichu and Young Link, and Peach and Yoshi had reached him. "You obviously hated guys are on a train that goes straight from Saffron to Goldenrod, and you better people are on the same route, but yours cuts through Ilex Forest's canopy line."

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in __4__th__ Place_

"I thought the whole Snowpeak thing was bad, but dude, seriously..." lamented Marth.

"We're comin' close to actually being on a later train..." worried Fox.

"Your request has gone through, you're on a train!" smiled the worker.

"Sweet, I'ma have a beer," said Fox, unworried...ly...it's a word...shut up.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"This train station is just, it's dysfunctional, even by our standards," said Bowser. "We eventually got a train with Marth and Fox, but it just took forever, most of the day's been spent by teams trying to get trains,"

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Well, as you're the only team so far I haven't hated, I guess I'll give you these free train tickets!" smiled the worker, handing Kirby and Ness train tickets.

_Link and Pikachu_

_Currently in __1__st__ Place_

"We finally have a train!" cheered Pikachu. "I just hope nothing bad happens!"

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in Last Place_

"Sir, please, can we get a flight?" asked Ike.

"No, because this is a train station," replied the bewildered worker.

"DAMN!" cried Pit. "You suck, Roy and Ganondorf, we're working alone!"

Ike and Pit left.

"Yarr, this sucks," lamented Roy. A local with two tickets had a heart attack.

Roy picked up his tickets and wallet.

"Like, cool," said Ganondorf.

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in It's Really Hard __To Tell The__ Place_

"Right, eventually we got a train with Kirby and Ness, and Mario and Bowser," said Pit.

"All this transportation business is really confusing, it's a shame the show doesn't explain it more slowly," whined Ike.

"I wonder where those guys everyone hates are," wondered Pit.

"I've gathered that Marth and Fox are behind us, and Pichu and Young Link were earlier but got delayed," said Ike.

"How?" asked Pit. replied Ike.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_I'm-a Give __Up__ Trying To Distinguish __Placings__ For Now_

"Please, let us on their train," asked Jigglypuff, indicating Ike and Pit. "We have standby tickets?!"

"Well, you have to be confirmed, there's no such thing as standby tickets!" growled the worker.

"Pfft, chillax dude, she's just asking," scoffed Mewtwo.

"I mean, I WILL DESTROY YOU!"

"Dude,"

* * *

Popo and Nana were climbing some mountains in some mountainous place with mountains. 

"Man, I sure am hungry!" smiled Popo in a stage smile.

"How about some lovely polar bear carcass?" asked Nana, with a stage smile.

Popo and Nana violently killed some polar bears and ate their flesh. For your amusement. Why are the ad breaks only one ad long? Ice Climbers' fault.

* * *

_Link and Pikachu_

"We're very slowly making our way to Goldenrod," smiled Link. "All I had to do was stuff Pikachu in a tuxedo and they thought he was human!"

The train slowly moved.

"You know, our younger selves didn't have this problem," grunted Pikachu. "They thought Pichu was a mouse, and they accept mice,"

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

"Our tickets just got confirmed!" grinned Mewtwo. "Only bad thing is, Pichu and Young Link might be with us, and Yoshi and Peach got declined,"

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

"Our train is slower, but leaves, like, earlier," explained Ganondorf. "Maybe we'll be the first ones there, but we'll have to see,"

"Yarr, Link and Pikachu's seems to be even slowarrr," noticed Roy, pointing to the train grinding the rails at a painfully slow speed.

_7:00am_

_Following Day_

_Yes, After __The__ Grand Train Lottery_

_Lucking Out, We Have..._

_Kirby and Ness_

_Ike and Pit_

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

The three teams ran out of the train, and frantically ran around the city in an effort to leave.

"We'll have to pull out all the stops to win this time!" alerted Pit.

"Please shut up, Pit," requested Ike.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"You've got to be kidding me," said Bowser, shocked, staring at the sign on the front of National Park.

"We have to go through-a National Park-a, but IT'S shut until nine-a!" complained Mario.

"Is waiting all we'll do this leg?" asked Bowser furiously.

Ike and Pit arrived.

"Will the park be open super fast?" remarked Pit.

"Shut up some more, Pit," requested Ike.

_9:00am_

_2__nd__ Train_

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"I loved being first, it was a wonderful feeling," said Pichu annoyingly to the camera, "And we are one with the race, dude!"

"What are you doing?" asked Young Link.

"Look, no-one likes us, so I'm trying to be more like the others," replied Pichu. "Maybe if I act like Marth and Fox, we'll have fans!"

"Just go!" cried Young Link. "The park is opening for the teams ahead, so we need to get there for the 10:00 opening!"

_Kirby and Ness_

_Ike and Pit_

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"So, Kirby and Ness...we haven't seen you a lot lately," said Ike mildly.

"Yeah, okay, whatever," replied Kirby indifferently.

"So, the Pokemon history's amazing, huh?" asked Ike. "To think that Ho-oh revived three Pokemon from death,"

"I know, it's really interesting!" replied Ness excitedly. "I've read about it so much, and have you ever wondered if it was Ho-oh's Sacred Ash item that revived them?"

"There's the tower," pointed out Kirby.

"This is horrible!" complained Ness. "It smells like death and birth put together! I want to leave!"

"There's the clue," pointed out Kirby.

Ness picked up the clue.

_9:45am_

_3__rd__ Train_

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Dude, we're perfectly happy in the middle of the pack," stated Marth, "At this point in the race, if you ain't last, you're fine, man,"

"It's not worth the time to try to get first to annoy everyone, and that's what Pichu and Young Link need to learn," added Fox.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Bowser picked up the clue.

"Travel back to Goldenrod, and make your way to Slowpoke Well..." read Bowser.

_"Teams must now go back to Goldenrod, and from there, head south through Ilex Forest and Azalea Town to get to Slowpoke __Well__!" voiced over Crazy Hand. "It is here where teams will find their next clue!"_

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Can we get through National Park?" asked Young Link.

"The park is closed until 11:00am," replied the guard.

"But it's open now, I can see people!" said Pichu furiously.

"Yeah, uh, listen..." began the guard. "It's pretty clear that you're not very popular, and if I want to make any kind of progress on this fanfic, I like, can't be directly associated with you."

Pichu and Young Link stared at the guard, heartbroken.

"I hope you understand," added the guard. "It's only because no-one likes you."

Pichu and Young Link ran in circles, crying.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Kirby and Ness_

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"To get to Slowpoke-a Well," said Mario, discussing strategy with Kirby and Ness, "We need-a to take a taxi, because we couldn't-a possibly get through a forest quickly alone-a,"

"I agree," agreed Kirby. He checked his watch. "It's 10:13, so we should stick together to capitalise on the lead we have over everyone else, we have at least 57 minutes on them,"

The three teams got into taxis.

_10:30am_

_4__th__ Train_

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"That train fiasco was weird," said Jigglypuff, "I thought we were in last or near last!"

"Damnit, that's because that's where we usually are," lamented Mewtwo.

"Those three teams that were annoyed with us didn't seem to do too well though," observed Jigglypuff.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"It's 10:52," noticed Marth, "So if we hurry dude, we could make the next park opening!"

A trainer spotted them.

"Rattata, go!" ordered the trainer. "Use Tackle!"

Marth stabbed Rattata.

"My Rattata!" whined the trainer, running away.

"Hey, one less person in line, right?" asked Marth sheepishly, "Besides, look, we made the opening, and there's Pichu and Young Link! We got 'em!"

Pichu and Young Link cried.

Marth and Fox stormed through the park, and after some rumpus, they reached the Burned Tower.

"Alright, to Slowpoke Well!" declared Fox.

"It's hard to walk in and out of places without having a good look around," sighed Young Link.

"Shut up, dude," said Marth sharply, throwing a rock at Young Link.

_Link and Pikachu_

_Currently in Last Place_

"Our train only just left Kanto, it's going that slow," sighed Link.

"We might as well get out and run, we'd get there faster," observed Pikachu.

"Clue says we have to travel by train," countered Link.

"Damnit," sighed Pikachu.

A voice over the intercom announced: "The Magnet Train has malfunctioned, due to an overload of electrical energy in Carriage 8."

Link looked at the big 8 on the wall, then at Pikachu.

"Aw, come on!" cried Link angrily.

* * *

"Hey kids, I'm Snake from Metal Gear Solid!" said Snake, smiling overtly happily. "And I'm here to say that if you don't go to Disneyland right now, kill Michael Eisner, and steal all his money, then you're most likely a terrorist!" 

Canned laughter and cheering.

"No, I mean it!" smiled Snake.

Canned laughter.

"In fact, did you know that I stockpile weapons of mass destruction?" asked Snake, still smiling.

Nervous canned laughter.

"Now go do it!" finished Snake, still smiling.

* * *

Pikachu considered something for a moment. "Maybe if I fainted, I wouldn't radiate electrical energy..." 

Pikachu took Link's sword, and killed himself with it.

"He's great at parties," assured Link to the shocked train passengers.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"We've made the 12pm park opening!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"I figured," said Mewtwo. "We're in the park now."

Pichu and Young Link ran past the other way, having got the clue.

"Hmm, it seems the losers are ahead of us," stated Mewtwo calmly. "Whatever, no-one likes them."

Marth and Fox ran past the other way, having got the clue.

"We're in the same racing calibre as MARTH AND FOX?" asked Mewtwo incredulously. "OH MY GOD THIS LEG RULES!"

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Goldenrod Taxi Depot, dude!" pointed out Marth. "Take us to Slowpoke Well!"

Fox threw some money at the driver, and they got in the taxi.

"See that tiny yellow dude and the tiny green dude?" asked Fox. "Extra money if you run them over, man!"

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"How about we walk through the forest?" asked Pichu.

"Sounds like a plan!" replied Young Link.

Young Link took a step away, but saw Marth and Fox's taxi arriving.

"Oh crap!" cried Young Link, seeing the murderous look in the driver's eyes.

"Hey, wait, the forest's that way!" called Pichu.

Young Link ran back to Pichu.

"Yeah, now I think we should get some locals with Pokemon to fight off any wild Pokemon," said Pichu.

"No, look, the frats are about to try and KILL us!" gasped Young Link, pointing back at the taxi.

"What?!" asked Pichu. He craned his neck to see Marth and Fox's taxi getting closer. "It's true! We're finally going to die! Let's run for it!"

"Okay, we'll go on three!" smiled Young Link.

"You count," decided Pichu, biting his lip.

"One, two..." began Young Link.

Pichu immediately ran away.

"What is it?" wondered Young Link.

Marth and Fox ran over Young Link, killing him.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Ike and Pit_

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Detour!" read the teams, whoever you want spoke, I don't care. "Make or Break?"

_"A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" explained Crazy Hand. "In this Detour, teams must choose between Make __or__ Break!"_

_"In Make, teams must backtrack to Azalea Town, and visit the custom Poke Ball maker Kurt! Kurt will instruct the teams in the art of making custom Poke Balls from __Apricorns__! Once a team has made a satisfactory ball, they will receive the next clue!"_

_"In Break, teams must find the Team Rocket grunts in Slowpoke Well, and assist them in their misdeeds by removing the tails of 10 Slowpokes! Once a team has cut the tails, they must break them up into a fine powder and eat it to receive the next clue!"_

"I want to do Break!" said Pit immediately, licking his lips.

Everyone stared at him.

"Yeaaah, I don't want to do that," said Ness.

"Yeah," agreed Kirby. "Let's do Make."

Pit sulked, and followed Ike, who was nodding to Kirby and Ness.

"Should we do Make-a too?" asked Mario.

"Sure," said Bowser.

The three teams went back to Kurt's house.

Ike sat down at a work stool, picked up an Apricorn, and started whittling it into a perfect circle.

Pit sat down, and chopped his in half.

Bowser crushed his in his hand.

"Hmm, I wonder if this will work..." wondered Kirby. Kirby swallowed Kurt, and gained the ability to make Apricorns perfectly.

Kirby made six, passed them around, and took the clue.

"Make your way to Sprout Tower," read Kirby.

_"Teams must go through Union Cave, Route 32, and Violet City to reach this place; Sprout Tower!" said Crazy Hand. "It is here where teams will receive their next clue!"_

The teams collectively piled into one taxi and drove off.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Yes, make your way to Azalea Town," read Mewtwo.

"We're off!" smiled Jigglypuff, leaving.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Ike and Pit_

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Quick, where's Sprout Tower?" asked Ness frantically.

"Here," said Kirby, pointing to the building in front of them.

"Oh," said Ness, embarrassed. He took a clue. "Road Block!"

_"A Road Block is a task that only one member can perform!" explained Crazy Hand. "In this Road Block, the chosen person must take one of these nine severed __Bellsprout__ heads, and take it to the top floor of the tower, where the Elder Sage will make them a __Bellsprout__ flavoured drink!"_

"It's just like being issued into some kind of Pokemon fraternity," remarked Kirby. "Marth and Fox'll love this one, I'll do it,"

"I love eating living plants-a!" proclaimed Mario, gleefully accepting.

"I love eating living things!" proclaimed Pit, gleefully accepting.

_Kirby_

"Hey, you over there!" called Kirby. A young man with blue hair that covered one eye looked up. "Can you help me find my way around the tower?"

"Okay, I'm Falkner," said Falkner. "I run the Violet City Gym, with my father's prized Pokemon!"

"Prized?" asked Kirby.

"Yes, a level 7 Pidgey, and a level 9 Pidgeotto!" smiled Falkner.

"Pfft, how many times have you been beaten?" asked Kirby.

"Twice!" said Falkner proudly.

Kirby raised an eyebrow.

"Eleven times?"

Kirby narrowed his eyes.

"Five thousand..." admitted Falkner.

"We'll have fun, don't worry," sighed Kirby.

_Mario_

"Hey-a kid, can you tell me where the Bellsprout heads-a are?" asked Mario to one of the sage underlings.

"Why, over there my child," replied the sage.

Mario looked puzzled. "Child-a?"

"Hey, you're the one who called me kid," replied the 60 year old sage.

_Pit_

"Hey, Pit, I think the heads are over there!" cried Ike.

"I don't really care," replied Pit, "I'm too hungry."

_Mario_

Mario saw the row of severed Bellsprout heads. The sight of the mixture of blood and dirt leaking out of the Pokemon's head made him recoil in fear.

"Yikes-a!" yiked Mario. "Doesn't Johto have-a any animal protestors-a?"

"Apparently not," answered Kirby, who had just arrived with Falkner, who was drooling. Kirby picked up a head, and ran up the stairs, Falkner following.

_Kirby_

"There's the elder!" pointed out Falkner.

"Awesome, wait here," replied Kirby.

Kirby calmly walked in the doorway.

"Thank you, I will make your Bellsprout beverage now," said the elder, as Mario and Pit arrived with their heads.

As the elder turned around to pour the drink into a glass, Kirby ran up, swallowed it, shuddered, and took a clue.

Mario and Pit eyed each other nervously, raised their glasses to each other, and drank.

Pit gagged.

"Easy," said Pit, regaining composure.

"That tasted-a terrible!" complained Mario, sculling several more glasses.

The three racers stepped back down to the base of the tower.

"See you, pathetic bird dude," waved Kirby, bidding Falkner goodbye.

"Mario, seriously, that must have been awful," noted Bowser.

Ike sighed and said, "At least we're in sync with each other this leg,"

Pit spewed Bellsprout at him.

"Right..." righted Ike. "Let's just check the clue...Make your way to the next pit stop, Professor Elm's Lab..."

_"Teams must now make their way several miles by taxi to this place, New Bark Town!" explained Crazy Hand. "__Once there, they must find Professor Elm's Lab, which is the pit stop for this leg of the race! The last team to check in __here,__ may be eliminated!"_

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Detour!" read Fox, while Marth scraped Young Link's remains into the sea. "I think we should make, man,"

Fox picked up an Apricorn and whittled furiously.

"That is passable," remarked Kurt.

"Sweet!" smiled Fox. "Okay Marth, your turn!"

Marth threw his sword at the Apricorn, which split into 5 pieces, and reformed into a ball because Marth and Fox are cool like that.

"Awesome," grinned Marth, taking the clue.

"Are you some sort of cult?" asked Kurt.

"Frat is a state of mind, dude," replied Fox.

_5__th__ Train_

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Like, this is the first time we've been in serious danger of elimination!" said Ganondorf fearfully. "We like, have serious time to make up!"

"Arr, no problems," arred Roy. "Bring on the challenge, n'yaargh..."

_1:30pm_

_6__th__ Train_

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 8__th__ Place_

"What are you doing?" snapped Yoshi, immediately as Peach opened the door of the train station.

"What?" asked Peach absent-mindedly, checking the map.

"What are you looking at that thing for?" asked Yoshi.

"I'm trying to find a way to get to the park so we can make the 2:00 opening, honey," said Peach irritably.

"Give me that!" said Yoshi. He burnt the map. "See, it's useless!"

Peach followed the billowing smoke past Route 35, and over to the park.

"Damn," said Yoshi.

"Hey, there's Roy and Ganondorf!" noticed Peach.

"Harrve ye seen anyone else?" asked Roy anxiously.

"You're the first ones, friends!" said Yoshi, suddenly happy.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Dudette, can you tell me how to get to Violet City?" asked Marth, in the Pokemon Center on Route 32.

"IF YOU GO THERE, CRAZY MONKS WILL KILL YOUR POKEMON AND MAKE YOU DRINK THEM!" screeched Nurse Joy.

Another patron of the center walked over to Marth and said, "That's a pretty Vulpix you got there, kid, be a shame if they killed 'er,"

"I'm Fox McCloud," said Fox. "Who's Vulpix?"

"Thanks," replied Marth, confused, stowing away his map.

Marth and Fox walked along Route 32, but as soon as they entered Violet City, a gunshot resounded through the air.

"Jeez, freaking weirdos, man," said Marth.

* * *

Another commercial appeared, as it usually does. Myes. 

"My name is Masahiro Sakurai," said a hand-puppet. "And I'm here to tell you that YOU MUST RECOVER! And that if you HAVEN'T HELD IT IN, IT'LL BE A CUTE LITTLE POOT! And that YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO PONDER SUCH QUESTIONS, AS LINK HAS JUST GRABBED A SMASH BALL! And that THIS GUY NEEDS TO CALM DOWN!"

Somewhere in the land of Scotland, a teenager laughed triumphantly, having fooled the puppet industry once more.

Otters can see you when you're asleep.

Omega 3.

* * *

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Jeez, freaking weirdos, man," repeated Marth. "Just a good thing that gunshot missed us, dude,"

Marth and Fox continued on their merry way.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in __6__th__ Place_

Pichu sat at the edge of the water with an Old Rod, until...

"Hey! Something's on the line!" cried Pichu. "It's a Pokemon!"

Young Link jumped out, choking on a combination of the Old Rod's termites, the hook, and his own blood.

"We're in Azalea Town!" smiled Pichu. "Detour!"

"Boy, we really fell behind since Marth and Fox ran me over," noted Young Link.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Detour!" read Jigglypuff.

"We're already in Kurt's house," pointed out Mewtwo.

Pichu and Young Link ran into Kurt's house, and noticed Mewtwo and Jigglypuff.

"This must be the slow one," remarked Pichu snottily, glancing at Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, "They're here,"

Mewtwo threw Pichu out of the window.

"Chyeah, we'll do the tails," scoffed Young Link.

"What's a Slowpoke?" asked Pichu.

Mewtwo sighed, finished both Apricorns, and thrust them back into Kurt's arms.

"OH MY GOD!" cried Young Link, picking up Pichu and furiously whittling a ball.

"Finished?" asked Pichu, looking at the barely acceptable ball.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Ike and Pit_

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Here's my pit stop strategy; we run out, and using a traditional V-shaped formation, we sprint onto the pit stop, and take a three-way tie for first," decided Ike.

"I agree," agreed Pit. "Look, there's the mat."

Kirby punched Ike in the stomach, Ness kicked Pit in the crotch, and they stepped on the mat.

"Kirby and Ness, you're team number one!" grinned Crazy Hand, relieved it wasn't Pichu and Young Link.

_Kirby and Ness_

_1__st__ Place_

Pit fell over on the ground.

It was a hill.

Pit rolled down the hill onto the mat, as Ike arrived.

"Ike and Pit, you're team number two!" said Crazy Hand.

_Ike and Pit_

_2__nd__ Place_

"Mario and Bowser, you're team number three!" rounded off Crazy Hand.

_Mario and Bowser_

_3__rd__ Place_

"Hooray," said Bowser sarcastically, looking at Kirby smirking balefully at the pale Pit.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"I'll take the Road Block, dude," decided Marth, ascending the tower.

"Man, better be careful!" warned Fox. "They said we could die!"

"Don't worry dude, I'm a people person!" smiled Marth.

Fox saw a little girl.

"Hey, little girl, how's it going?" asked Fox in a friendly manner.

The little girl took a swing at Fox.

"Hey, no," said Fox simply, shooting the girl.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"We've been seeing a lot of Roy and Ganondorf," observed Yoshi. "And they're good guys, but it's a race,"

"Yeah, well done," said Peach, pointing at the clue envelope that said Race in huge letters.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"I've got the Road Block," decided Young Link.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

Mewtwo used his awesome powers of lazy authors to summon the elder, who made the drink.

Mewtwo swigged the curious liquid.

"Lovely," said Mewtwo. "Clue,"

Yes.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Yarr, I be thinking we should do the tails," decided Roy.

"Ew, icky!" whined Ganondorf. "You're a freak, Roy!"

"Arr, I be knowing..." lamented Roy.

"We'll follow you guys!" grinned Yoshi. "That way we can make sure we see each other!"

"Why is that good?" asked Ganondorf.

"Because then we can see you when we beat you to the pit stop!" smiled Yoshi.

The teams noticed they had got to Slowpoke Well while talking, and Roy and Peach were eating Tails. Oops, I mean Slowpoke tails.

Ganondorf and Yoshi begrudgingly started on their tails.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Marth and Fox, you're team number four!" smiled Crazy Hand.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_4__th__ Place_

Marth and Fox hi-fived.

"We're not at the top yet, dude," grinned Marth in a self-depreciating manner.

"But we don't randomly bleed time like Pichu and Young Link and Roy and Ganondorf seemed to do, dude!" added Fox proudly.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"If only there was some way to stop Pichu and Young Link from beating us!" cried Jigglypuff despondently.

"Well, we could use my psychic powers like we have done all leg," pointed out Mewtwo.

Mewtwo choked Pichu, threw him over his shoulder, and teleported onto the mat with Jigglypuff.

"You know, it was only about a ten minute jog from here," said Jigglypuff ruefully, massaging the spot on her head where Mewtwo had grabbed her to teleport.

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you are team number five!" grinned Crazy Hand.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_5__th__ Place_

"Excellent," grinned Mewtwo, cackling.

Young Link dragged Pichu onto the mat, looking positively depressed not to have won the leg.

"Pichu and Young Link, you're team number six!" said Crazy Hand.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_6__th__ Place_

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

Roy and Yoshi drank the Bellsprout drink.

Roy gagged.

"Yarr, that be the worst crap I ever weathered..." remarked Roy.

"It could be worse," reasoned Yoshi, remembering the Slowpoke tails.

_Link and Pikachu_

_Currently in Last Place_

"Here we are!" smiled Link. "Goldenrod City!"

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Roy and Ganondorf, you are team number seven," said Crazy Hand.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_7__th__ Place_

"We're, like, not happy," sighed Ganondorf.

"Arr, we shouldn't be, we raced horribly today..." lamented Roy.

"Yoshi and Peach, you're team number eight," added Crazy Hand.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_8__th__ Place_

"Not happy either," sighed Yoshi.

_Link and Pikachu_

_Currently in Last Place_

"Burned Tower, let's see this clue!" smiled Link optimistically. "Make your way to New Bark Town! Okay, let's go!"

"I think we could still make it," said Pikachu hopefully.

Violin music began to play.

(insert travelling scenes with sad music and some way of conveying lots of time passing)

Link and Pikachu arrived at the pit stop.

"Talk about atmosphere," noted Pikachu, looking at the orchestra.

"Link and Pikachu, you're the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand. "I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the race."

_Link and Pikachu_

_Last Place_

"It's okay..." sighed Pikachu. "I guess we're more the fighting type than racing type..."

"Pfft, your show sucked anyway," scoffed Link, walking away.

"Jerk," retorted Crazy Hand.

* * *

Arrival Thymes; 

Kirby and Ness: 2:52pm

Ike and Pit: 2:52pm

Mario and Bowser: 2:52pm

Marth and Fox: 5:56pm

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff: 6:02pm

Pichu and Young Link: 6:02pm

Roy and Ganondorf: 8:50pm

Yoshi and Peach: 8:51pm

Link and Pikachu: 1:34am – ELIMINATED

* * *

Review, now, or I swear I'll break up with you. 


	4. InterTeam Arguments In Aether!

Jerry Bruckheimer and Bert Van Munster LET me do it. Shush.

The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race

Leg4

"Previously on the Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race," recapped Crazy Hand, "Nine teams left Corneria, and headed for Johto in the Pokemon region! Roy and Ganondorf dumped Pichu and Young Link, which enabled them to become more popular with the other teams! Mewtwo and Jigglypuff played a prank on Link and Pikachu, which made Mewtwo realise how much easier things are with psychic powers! Marth and Fox were given brutal words of warning on entering Violet City, but escaped unscathed! Link and Pikachu missed a train, and were eliminated!"

"Eight teams remain, who will be eliminated next?"

Remaining Teams!1 (With Fake I.D's!)

Kirby and Ness (Steve/Dave WITH TWICE THE LAZY!)

Ike/Pit (Shola/Doyin WITH TWICE THE FANGIRLS!)

Mario/Bowser (Nathan/Jennifer WITH TWICE THE DISLIKEABILITY!)

Marth/Fox (Eric/Jeremy WITH TWICE THE DUUUUUDE!)

Mewtwo/Jigglypuff (Anyone WITH TWICE THE ANYTHING!)

Pichu/Young Link (Marshall/Lance WITH TWICE THE OBNOXIOUSNESS)

Roy/Ganondorf (WEAVERS WITH HALF THE PEOPLE!)

Yoshi/Peach (There are literally THOUSANDS!)

"This is Professor Elm's Lab!" explained Crazy Hand, floating around the aforementioned lab.

Master Hand was drunkenly muttering something about how he missed Wario and Luigi. OOPS DAMMIT I MEAN..uh...DK...and Meta-Knight?!

"Yes, teams arrived here for their mandatory rest period..." stuttered Crazy Hand, glancing at his drunken brother.

"Will Kirby and Ness stay at the top, or revert back to their seventh streak? And can Yoshi and Peach keep racing unnoticed to pull off a sneak victory?"

"Kirby and Ness, who were first to arrive at 2:52pm, will depart at 2:52am!"

_Kirby and Ness_

_1__st__ to Depart, 2:52am_

"I'm feeling pumped, I'm feeling flexible!" said Ness, in anticipation of opening the clue and finding out the next stage of their adventure.

"I feel like falling asleep without my shoes on," yawned Kirby lazily.

"I have a firm belief that we can maintain first, Kirby, and that attitude can hold us back!" smiled Ness, a little reproachfully.

"Fine...make your way to Aether..." read Kirby.

_"Teams must now make their way to __Aether__, the planet notable for appearing in __Metroid__ Prime 2: Echoes!" explained Crazy Hand. "Once in __Aether__, teams must find U-__Mos__ at the Energy Controller, who will give them their next clue!"_

"You have $90 for this leg of the race," added Kirby, holding up the money.

Kirby and Ness threw their bags into a taxi, and set off on the way to Goldenrod City to catch a plane. Why didn't they just go there in Leg3 to spare the train crap, I hear you ask. Shut up, you hear me reply.

"I'll drive, you read the map," assigned Kirby.

"Um...are you okay to drive?" asked Ness inquisitively.

Kirby glared at Ness through bloodshot eyes. "Of course!"

_Ike and Pit_

_2__nd__ to Depart, 2:53am_

"Kirby and Ness left already, we thought they'd be waiting for us," lamented Ike. "But hey, it's a race!"

_Mario and Bowser_

_3__rd__ to Depart, 2:54am_

"Roy-a and Ganondorf apparently hung around-a with Yoshi and-a Peach last leg," began Mario, "And it seems they've-a dumped Pichu and Young Link-a, so that's good; now everyone hates them-a!"

"Mario, I don't think you're being very respectful," observed Bowser quietly.

Mario slapped Bowser across the face.

"DAMMIT, MAN-A! THIS IS NO TIME FOR NICITIES-A!" screamed Mario.

"I'm sorry, sir!" whimpered Bowser, tears streaming down his face.

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Since we fell to what was it, sixth in the second leg, we're trying to be less fixated on other teams," explained Ike to the camera. "We just want to do well, so we'll imagine it as 'we're in last place' all the time!"

"Intelligent racing, right here!" grinned Pit, craning his neck sideways to catch Ike's eye with a smirk in the wing mirror.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_4__th__ to Depart, 5:56am_

"Me and this dude, we're still getting along great," explained Marth, jerking a thumb back at Fox. "No matter what, we'd never fly off the handle at each other, dude!"

FORESHADOW FORESHADOW FORESHADOW

"I guess Kirby and Ness really got better from the second leg to now, man..." noticed Fox, shaking his head. "We better watch out for them,"

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Didn't think the counters would be open at this time," sighed Kirby, checking Ness' watch.

Ness pointed to a sign.

"The sign says it opens at 10:00," noticed Ness.

Kirby gave a small groan, and eyed the doors warily.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_5__th__ to Depart, 6:02am_

"Make your way to Aeeeeeether..." read Jigglypuff.

"What the hell was that?" asked Mewtwo.

"What?" asked Jigglypuff defensively.

"You overstretched the Aether," observed Mewtwo.

"I happen to have been talking slowly...for viewer...benefit..." countered Jigglypuff, eyes darting back and forth.

"Whatever, the viewers know English," sighed Mewtwo.

"Water beads down on my cheeks..." added Mewtwo.

Jigglypuff got in the car, and Mewtwo hopped in the back.

"New Bark Town looks pretty tonight," noted Jigglypuff.

"Dammit Jigglypuff, we can't do this," snapped Mewtwo. "We don't have time for pointless filler that just makes us look stupid!"

Jigglypuff pointed to the whole water beading cheek thing.

Mewtwo threw things at her.

Jigglypuff burned to death.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_6__th__ to Depart, 6:02am_

Pichu and Young Link said nothing, their eyes stained with tears. They simply got in the car.

"Turn the car around," wept Young Link to Pichu, noting that they passed a necessary route to the airport.

Pichu silently turned the car around, tears streaming down his face.

"The race is important..." choked Young Link. "A-a-and last leg...we b-broke our combo...and we c-came SIXTH!"

Pichu and Young Link hysterically broke into tears.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_7__th__ to Depart, 8:50am_

Roy and Ganondorf hopped into their car.

"Like, I am the worst with maps!" said Ganondorf proudly.

"Yarr, don't be worrying, fair lass," comforted Roy. "I be deciphering this chart! But soon, ye need to assume more responsibilities, it be a freaking race, yarr..."

"I'll like, learn as I go," smiled Ganondorf ruefully.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Mario and Bowser got out of their car, as they saw Ike and Pit enter the airport just before them.

"Come on-a Bowser, we've got to hurrrrry!" whined Mario despondently. "I've been-a to airports and you won't respect-a that!"

Bowser made a small disbelieving noise. "We've been to three airports so far, because it's a race!"

Mario slapped him.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Last to Depart, 8:51am_

"Peach and I haven't been doing very well so far on the race," observed Yoshi. "But we'll make a comeback soon enough!"

"We're the tortoise, everyone else is a hare," analogised Peach. "And all we have to do is beat seven hares!"

Yoshi drank some instant coffee, then started driving.

_Goldenrod Airport_

Roy and Ganondorf ran into the airport.

"Guys, we passed Pichu and Young Link!" grinned Ganondorf. "And they're MISERABLE!"

Everyone laughed.

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff walked into the airport, everyone still laughing.

"What a pair of freaking losers!" guffawed Ness.

"Go and die and go to hell and burn and die!" cheered Bowser enthusiastically.

"I'm not Pichu," said Mewtwo coldly, killing Ness and Bowser.

Roy and Ganondorf joined Kirby and Ness, and Mario and Bowser in the Air Aether line.

"What kind of airline name is Air Aether?" wondered Kirby, reading the sign.

Mewtwo nudged Jigglypuff, and whispered, "Hey, if we go to that line, we'll be the fourth team, and they might not have that many tickets..."

"Yeah, good point," answered Jigglypuff sadly.

Jigglypuff strutted up to Kirby and whispered in his ear.

"Kirby, dude, do you think you could buy me and Mewtwo tickets as well as you guys?" asked Jigglypuff, stroking Kirby's arm seductively.

Kirby stared back, looking disgusted.

Kirby quickly changed to a sarcastic tone.

"Oh, suuuure, lemme just talk to Ness about it!" grinned Kirby falsely.

Mario raised an eyebrow, and grabbed Kirby's arm.

"Kirby-a, did you just agree to buy Mewtwo and Jigglypuff-a tickets?" asked Mario furiously.

"No, it's a clever ruse," explained Kirby, but Mario and Bowser had already stormed off.

At long last, the ticket counter opened, and Kirby and Young Link began negotiating tickets for their teams.

"You can only go to Aether through Tallon IV on this airline," alerted the worker, failing to see the illogicality of flying from Johto to Aether in the first place. ", and we only have four seats left,"

Ness worked out something, and whispered to Kirby, "If we get Mewtwo and Jigs' tickets, that means that we can get Pichu and Young Link eliminated!"

Kirby agreed, and told Jigglypuff to skip ahead of Pichu and Young Link.

Young Link began to whine, "NO CUTTING!"

"Damn you, Toon Link!" yelled Jigglypuff angrily, storming off despite Mewtwo's protests.

"Whatever, we'll catch up later, I suppose..." sighed Mewtwo resignedly.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Okay-a, I got four seats on the 6:50am flight-a!" said Mario brightly, passing them around to Bowser, Ike, and Pit.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Look, Mario and Bowser and Ike and Pit just got a flight..." noticed Kirby warily. "Is it better than ours?"

"How should I know?" asked Ness.

"Aren't you psychic?" asked Kirby.

"Oh. Yeah. I am," smiled Luca-NESS. "I'm sensing that Mewtwo and Jigs and Marth and Fox are on that flight too!"

"What?" asked Kirby, looking over and seeing the Pokemon and frats buy tickets.

"I'm also sensing that Roy and Ganondorf and Yoshi and Peach are on a later flight behind us!" chuckled Ness, pointing behind them in the queue.

"Awesome," smirked Kirby.

_"Teams are now making their way from __Johto__ to __Aether__!" recapped Crazy Hand. "Kirby and Ness, and __Pichu__ and Young Link are on the Air __Aether__ flight leaving 6:25pm, and arriving at 11:02pm! Ike and Pit, Mario and Bowser, __Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff, and __Marth__ and Fox are on a second flight, leaving at 6:50pm but arriving at 11:05pm, only three minutes behind the first! __Roy and __Ganondorf__, and __Yoshi__ and Peach are on the last flight, going through __Tallon__ IV, and leaving at 7:14pm!"_

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"This is like, so nerve-wracking!" said Ganondorf anxiously. "Yoshi and Peach are right behind us!"

Roy turned in his seat to see Yoshi and Peach sitting in the row behind them.

Everyone chuckled except Ganondorf, who was squeezing a stress ball.

"Hey, I can see Tallon Iv," noticed Yoshi.

"IV, like four, not Iv," reprimanded Peach.

Yoshi sighed, and got out of the plane.

Ganondorf and Roy sprinted for a way to Phendrana Airport.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in Last Place_

Yoshi and Peach walked with all the urgency of say, a three year old boy. Or Steve Meitz and Dave Cottingham, whatever floats your boat.

"This snow sucks..." sighed Yoshi.

_1__st__ Air __Aether__ Flight_

_Landed at 11:02am_

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Looks like Pichu and Young Link are in first place," noticed Ness.

"Damn," lamented Kirby, strolling along listlessly.

"Should we run after them?" asked Ness.

"Nah, I'm tired," replied Kirby.

_2__nd__ Air __Aether__ Flight_

_Landed at 11:05am_

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"U-Mos is in the Energy Controller room," reported Bowser, looking at an Aether brochure.

"Ditch-a Ike and Pit, we don't know how far behind the others-a are," said Mario.

"That strategy doesn't make sense..." mused Bowser. "How can Ike and Pit be holding us back if they lifted us up to third last leg?"

Mario choked Bowser with his Sith powers.

"We need to get on the elev-a-tor..." choked Bowser desperately.

Marth and Fox, Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, Pichu and Young Link, and Ike and Pit all left on the elevator.

"No we-a don't!" smiled Mario brightly. "Let's just walk-a!"

Mario and Bowser began climbing the elevator shaft, Mario proudly, Bowser reluctantly.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"We've got a map!" grinned Ness.

"Great..." sighed Kirby, yawning.

"Maybe we should go to the elevator?" wondered Ness.

Kirby fell asleep.

"Wait...where's everyone else?" asked Ness.

Kirby snored.

"I can only see Mario and Bowser climbing the wall..." noted Ness.

Kirby snored.

"They're grunting that everyone's ahead..." said Ness.

Kirby snored.

"Oh no!" whimpered Ness.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Mario crawled through a little alcove he found in the wall, with Bowser following (admittedly ripping the alcove to shreds).

"I can see the energy controller!" grinned Bowser happily, squeezing out of the alcove's other end.

Bowser took a clue.

"Take the green translator door in the floor below to reach Torvus Bog!" read Bowser.

_"Teams must now ride the elevator back down, and go through the green translator door, using the enclosed message, to __Torvus__ Bog!" said Crazy Hand. "It is here, where teams will find their next clue!"_

Mario and Bowser took off, as the elevator carrying the other four teams (sans Kirby and Ness) arrived.

"We have-a to go down?" asked Mario sadly, looking around the Energy Controller room.

Bowser was trying to decode the message, while Mario whined.

"Well, let's just go, I guess," surmised Bowser, stepping on the elevator.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Use the enclosed message..." mused Mewtwo. "But how..."

"By using the dictionary I found on the ground!" smiled Jigglypuff happily.

"Silence!" bellowed Mewtwo. "I am trying to be vague and mysterious!"

Mewtwo slapped Jigglypuff vaguely and mysteriously.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Go, Bowser, turn on the damn elevator-a!" shouted Mario.

"I'm trying to figure out the message, dammit!" snapped Bowser. "It's impossible to concentrate with you!"

"D-did you just-a stand up to me?" asked Mario, amazed.

"PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" whined Bowser pathetically.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"I can't believe we just randomly found this dictionary!" grinned Pichu.

"Maybe we'll come first!" smiled Young Link, suddenly a lot happier.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Dude, Ike and Pit seem to know where to go," noticed Marth, pointing at Ike and Pit.

"Ike! Pit!" called Fox, "Is it just the same elevator?"

Ike and Pit chuckled and nodded.

"Wait, I forgot to say dude," noticed Fox.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Let me make sure I have the message right," said Bowser patiently, "Or this whole thing will be useless,"

"Just-a hurry!" screamed Mario, harsh contempt in every syllable, even in the "-a".

_Tallon__ IV_

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Only five minutes befarrr our flight leaves..." sighed Roy, checking his watch.

"Yeah, this is like, not happening," groaned Ganondorf despondently.

Roy and Ganondorf made it to the airport gates...to see the flight leave.

Yoshi and Peach walked in a minute later, looking distraught.

* * *

ROB pondered something intently.

"Maybe my Mario Kart DS appearance could have paid a little better..." sighed ROB, staring at the vest with a tuxedo printed on it he bought with the paycheck.

The phone rang.

"Hello?" asked ROB. "Super Smash Bros Brawl?"

* * *

"Why arrrr you looking so distraught?" asked Roy.

"We got tickets, but they leave a half-hour later than this flight would have," sighed Peach, giving Roy and Ganondorf tickets.

"Now we, need to like move," realised Ganondorf anxiously, wondering about the other six teams.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Now, see, Mario and Bowser are a pair of silly fools," grinned Pichu, pointing across the elevator. "Mario has a silly hat, and Bowser has a spiky back!"

Silence.

"WHY DON'T YOU LIKE US!" cried Pichu desperately.

The elevator landed.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"We should follow Mario and Bowser," decided Mewtwo. "They've been working hard on that message,"

"Look, they're at the door!" cried Jigglypuff, pointing.

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"I think I'm understanding this," said Pit.

"Everyone went to the amber translator door..." noticed Ike. "Seems like the first thing would be to get to the right door..."

"Silly idiots," sighed Pit, reading the message to the green door.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"I can't make this out at all, dude..." sighed Marth.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Ness, I'll read while you look for that door," decided Kirby, checking out the message.

"No, I'm fine!" replied Ness.

"Fine, but we better end up there..." muttered Kirby.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Did Ike and Pit just go through a door?" asked Bowser. "I think we should follow them!"

"No-a, no-a, no-a!" whined Mario. "We're right-a! We'll-a lose the crowd and fall behind-a!"

"Please help, Mario, stop wasting our time with this..." sighed Bowser.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Pichu, we're not staying with Mario and Bowser very well, we need to catch up!" said Young Link reproachfully.

"Following lost people sucks!" proclaimed Pichu. "They're idiots!"

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Idiots, all of them," sighed Mewtwo. "Come on, Jigs, they're lost,"

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff silently turned around and left.

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Ike and Pit stepped through the door, and got on the elevator to Torvus Bog.

"At least we figured out where to go first," said Ike.

Ike and Pit got out of the elevator and got to the cluebox.

"Detour!" read Ike. "Light or Dark!"

_"In this Detour, teams must choose between Light, __or__ Dark!" explained Crazy Hand. "In Light, teams stay here in Light __Torvus__ Bog, and travel to this cavern, where they will serve 500kg of food they must __find themselves to one of eight __Sporbs__! However, __Sporbs__ are very sensitive to the weight of their food, and even 499kg or 501kg will be enough for the __Sporb__ to snap and begin to eat the teams!"_

_"In Dark, teams must go to Dark __Torvus__ Bog through this nearby Dark Portal, and dig through this pile of __Grenchlers__, some of which are still alive, to find their next clue! This may be easier, but the __alive__Grenchlers__ are capable of electrocuting anyone who comes too close to them!"_

"I think we should do the Grenchlers," considered Pit, reading over the options.

"Grenchlers!" cried Ike maniacally with an anime face. Ugh.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Bowser, I told you this-a was the wrong-a way!" pouted Mario, his arms folded.

Bowser made a dispassionate groan.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"I can't believe we screwed up!" grunted Pichu angrily.

"No, I can't believe we followed Mario and Bowser!" argued Young Link. "They are so stupid!"

Pichu and Young Link barged past Mario and Bowser, muttering.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Dude, everyone's leaving, it must be that green door," realised Fox, nudging Marth.

"We're on the right track then," grinned Marth, heading for the green door.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Kirby, you found the green door, now please just let me translate the message for you!" said Ness apprehensively. "I'm psychic and a genius, I can probably do it faster than you!"

"So now you're calling me stupid?" asked Kirby testily.

"Kirby, you're just pissed off because I get to do something," rationed Ness patiently. "All I'm asking is to read one message, I think I got it except for this one phrase here, I don't know if that means 'there' or 'those'..."

Kirby stabbed Ness in the face and took the Luminoth message.

"OW!" cried Ness, massaging the bleeding gash in his face where Kirby had attacked him with a Swiss army knife. "What was that?!"

"You said you were a genius, you should have known I would stab you," replied Kirby placidly.

Ness whimpered, losing blood.

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Ike and Pit stepped through the portal to Dark Torvus Bog.

"Ugh, the stench of a bog makes me think we're in the right place..." retched Ike.

"And the purple sky?" asked Pit.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Hmm...Light or Dark..." wondered Mewtwo.

"Would the pile be as tall as me?" asked Jigglypuff hopefully.

"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response..." sighed Mewtwo, shaking his head. "But yes, it's taller than you."

Jigglypuff's eyes widened.

"We're doing the Sporb!" decided Jigglypuff quickly. Mewtwo sighed.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"I think-a we should consider the Fast Forward," sniffed Mario, looking at the green clue they received on arriving in Aether.

"Are you kidding?" asked Bowser. "Pichu and Young Link are about even with us, and we're well ahead of Yoshi and Peach and Roy and Ganondorf, oh, and Pichu and Young Link can't use their Fast Forward!"

_"This is the second Fast Forward in the race!" explained Crazy Hand. "In this Fast Forward, teams must go to this room in __Agon__ Wastes, and ride a Kinetic Orb Cannon ten times! Each team member must do ten shots of the Orb Cannon before the task is completed!"_

"Fine, let's just go..." sighed Bowser, so Mario wouldn't hit him.

_12:54pm_

_3__rd__ Flight_

"Finally!" called Ganondorf triumphantly, getting on the elevator.

"Who are we again?" Yoshi asked Peach.

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"This place is very...purple..." said Pit uneasily.

"Alright, this is the place," said Ike, seeing a red and yellow flag. "That must be the Grenchler pile..."

The pile was crackling with electricity, with one or two fresh Grenchler corpses being added to the pile every so often.

"The last thing we want is for our Grenchlers to go bad," chuckled Pit nervously.

"Better get started," decided Ike, gritting his teeth.

Ike and Pit awkwardly walked around the pile, checking for signs of life in the Grenchlers, before digging their hands into the back of the pile.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Let's do the Grenchlers!" said Young Link, opening the clue. "You never have any problems with electricity!"

Pichu gave a groan.

_Mario and Bowser_

_On Fast Forward_

"You never-a do what I want-a!" cried Mario, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Look, sorry, but we're on the Fast Forward, which is what YOU wanted to do," pointed out Bowser.

"It's not-a my fault!" screamed Mario, crying.

Mario and Bowser approached the cannons, and Mario ran to the first one, and was fired off.

"This-a is really fun!" cried Mario, tears stopping at once.

"At least I get a few minutes away from him," chuckled Bowser, seeing Mario fly from cannon to cannon before settling into the first one.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Detour, dude, up to you," said Fox, handing Marth the clue.

"Dude, Grenchlers all the way," Marth decided quickly.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Bowser climbed out of the tenth cannon, dazed. Mario was waiting with the keys to a marked car.

"Make your way to the next pit stop, Great Temple," read Bowser.

_"Having won the Fast Forward, Mario and Bowser may now __drive to this place, Great Temple," said Crazy Hand. "This temple in __Agon__Wastes,__ is the pit stop for this leg of the race! The last team to check in __here,__ may be eliminated!"_

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Ike and Pit clambered up the Grenchler pile cautiously. Suddenly, Pit was hit in the face with a Grenchler.

"Ike, why did you throw a Grenchler at me?" asked Pit nicely.

"Well, I-" began Ike before Pit shot him in the stomach with an arrow. "OW! You nasty angel man!"

"I'm having the time of my life, Sam-I-am!" grinned Pit happily. "Hey, there's the clue! Make your way to Save Station A!"

_"Teams must now make their way to the first of __Torvus__' Save Stations, where they will find their next clue," said Crazy Hand._

Ike ripped the arrow out, wincing, and he and Pit left.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"We're heading for the Controller room, and I think we're ahead of Roy and Ganon," said Yoshi nervously.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

Kirby and Ness were still staring at the message.

"We're back to square one now, I just heard voices..." sighed Ness, looking down the elevator shaft and hearing Yoshi say "ahead of Roy and Ganon,".

* * *

"Watering my tulips, watering my tulips, hmmmmhmmhmhm..." hummed Wolf tenderly, planting a fresh flower in his garden.

Que pasa?

* * *

"This means we lost a lot of time," sighed Kirby.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Here's our message, we have to translate it!" said Yoshi.

"It's a wonderful day, Aether is really cool," said Peach appreciatively.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Aether freaking sucks," groaned Kirby bitterly.

"I know, four Pizza Huts and I still can't get a black olive!" complained Ness.

"That analogy sucked," said Kirby.

"I know," sighed Ness.

"Were you even trying to refer to the current situation?" asked Kirby.

"Probably not," replied Ness.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in Last Place_

"Yarr, this be the last clue," noted Roy sadly.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Finally, I got it," said Ness, rubbing his various wounds. "I really don't want to dig through Grenchlers..."

"Let's go then!" smiled Kirby spitefully, dragging Ness off.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Pichu and Young Link made their way towards the pile.

"Grenchlers, here we come!" screamed Pichu eagerly. "There's Ike and Pit!"

Ike and Pit were leaving when they saw Pichu and Young Link.

"Did you guys have fun?" asked Young Link.

"Shut up," replied Ike coldly. They left.

"I like those guys!" grinned Pichu.

Young Link walked right into the pile of Grenchler corpses. He climbed to the top, where he was violently electrocuted by one of the alive Grenchlers.

"Oh no!" cried Young Link innocently.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff ran into the Sporb chamber, with Mewtwo carrying a pile of rocks with his mind, trying to judge how much they weighed.

Jigglypuff was giggling maniacally.

"Jigglypuff, please, silence," instructed Mewtwo. "I must calculate the weight of these rocks!"

"I'm not doing anything!" giggled Jigglypuff, being annoying.

Mewtwo fed the rocks to the Sporb.

A counter next to the Sporb indicated 72kg.

"What?!" asked Mewtwo, infuriated.

The Sporb made a hissing noise.

"Only 428 to go!" cheered Jigglypuff.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"I found it!" called Pichu happily, plucking out a clue.

Young Link gave a double thumbs up to the camera.

"High five!" grinned Young Link.

Pichu and Young Link high-fived and grinned annoyingly.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"I've got a far bigger clump of rock than last time," said Mewtwo.

"Hehehehe, clump," chuckled Jigglypuff.

"Shut up you fool," replied Mewtwo, dumping the rocks into the Sporb.

The counter rose from 72 to 282kg.

"Dammit!" dammitted Mewtwo.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Like, Roy knew the message!" Ganondorf told the camera. "Now we're like, ahead of Yoshi and Peach!"

"Yarr, Detour!" read Roy. "We be Grenchlerin'!"

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in Last Place_

"Let's do the Sporb, Yoshis are way smart!" said Yoshi smugly.

"Shouldn't we do the faster Detour given that we're in last pla-" began Peach.

"I'M DUMPING YOU!" screamed Yoshi, pistolwhipping Peach.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Dude, here are the Grenchlers," noticed Marth, jumping in the pile.

Fox did a bellyflop into the pile like frats may do, and landed on a clue.

"Nice, man!" grinned Marth, doing a frat gesture, as Fox took the clue.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Mewtwo shoved a molehill into the Sporb.

The counter read 501.

"FSUDNAJDBNASJACA!" cried Mewtwo, removing a mole.

The counter read 500.

Jigglypuff hugged Mewtwo.

"I'll kill you," said Mewtwo joyfully.

"Let's go to the Save Station!" cried Jigglypuff, getting the clue.

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Here's the station!" cheered Pit. "Road Block!"

_"A Road Block is a task only one member can perform!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Road Block, the team member must defeat a total of 25 Shredders outside, which will continually __respawn__ until all of the total 200 have been defeated by the eight teams! However, the team member must count their own 25 themselves!"_

"I'll do it," decided Pit.

"What are you gonna do with the 25 that were supposed to have been for Mario and Bowser?" asked Ike.

Pit shrugged.

_Mario and Bowser_

_Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Mario and Bowser ran to the Temple.

"Mario and Bowser, you are team number one!" said Crazy Hand. "And as the winners of this fourth leg of the race, you have won..."

Mario grinned.

Bowser grinned.

"A spot in the top seven!" awarded Crazy Hand.

"No fair-a!" whined Mario. "This race-a is too hard-a! Bowser hates-a me!"

"I'm not gonna touch that one," sighed Bowser, frustrated.

_Pit_

_Shredders Defeated: 20_

"It's easy with projectiles!" grinned Pit cheesily, fending off the enemies with his arrows.

"Behind you!" called Ike from the sides.

Pit used his Angel Ring, with a cry of "HENANANANANANANANANANANANA!", which gets annoying, and beat the final few.

"Pit stop!" cheered Pit.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Where's the Save Station, dude?" asked Marth.

"No idea..." muttered Fox, checking the map frantically, not noticing the tiny size of the Stations.

"I wish Samus was still in, man, she'd know..." sighed Marth.

"Chyeah, and she was hot," replied Fox.

"Totally," reminisced Marth.

* * *

"Squirtle, Squirtle, Squirrrrrtle!" squirtled Squirtle.

"Man, I sure wish you guys had something interesting to say!" complained Pokemon Trainer.

"Pass the mustard?!" ivysaured Ivysaur.

Pokemon Trainer passed him the mustard, sulking.

"I wish MY Ivysaur could talk..."

* * *

"Remember that one time we walked in on her in the shower?" asked Marth.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Road Block!" read Pichu.

"I'll do it, I have a sword!" grinned Young Link cheesily.

_Marth__ and Fox_

_Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"I dunno about you, but..." Marth trailed off.

"Huh, what is it dude?" asked Fox.

"...I would," said Marth.

"Well, yeah, I wouldn't cause I'M JUST AN ANIMAL!" whimpered Fox, crying.

_Young Link_

_Shredders Defeated: 13_

"Go faster!" called Pichu.

"I'm trying, but explosions are the only way to start a chain reaction and kill more!" replied Young Link.

"Use your bombs!" called Pichu.

"That would never work!" retorted Young Link, holding a bomb for demonstration. Several Shredders committed suicide at the sight of the bomb.

"Pit stop clue!" cried Young Link.

_Ike and Pit_

_Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Another solid performance!" cheered Ike, touching down on the pit stop mat.

"Ike and Pit, you are team number two!" greeted Crazy Hand.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in __7__th__ Place_

"We need to find the goddamn Grenchler pile!" screeched Kirby.

Ness was reading the leg so far.

"We're nothing like Steve and Dave!" protested Ness. "We were only remotely like them in the previous legs! Now we're at each other's throats, we should be a team nobody likes!"

Kirby stabbed Ness.

"I want to drive!" screamed Kirby. "And barely anyone will get any of these inside references to the show we're parodying/plagiarising!"

Ness stabbed Kirby.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Here are the Sporbs!" grinned Yoshi.

"I swear, this is the slower task," said Peach through gritted teeth.

"Well we're not switching!" protested Yoshi. "The other two teams are strong, and I don't know how we passed Kirby and Ness, but we're sticking to the Sporbs!"

Peach sighed, and dumped some rocks mutinously into the Sporb.

The counter read 72kg. Yep. Just like Mewtwo and Jigglypuff. Repetitive? Shut up.

_Pichu__ and Young Link_

_Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Pichu and Young Link, looking thoroughly pleased with themselves, landed on the pit stop.

"Pichu and Young Link, you're team number three," sighed Crazy Hand resignedly.

"Yaaaaaay!" grinned Pichu and Young Link annoyingly.

_Mewtwo__ and Jigglypuff_

_Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Is this the Save Station?" asked Jigglypuff.

"Yes, it is, good job finding it, now shut up," replied Mewtwo. "I'll do the Road Block."

Marth and Fox ran in right behind it.

"'sup dudes?" asked Marth, flashing a thumbs up to Jigglypuff.

"Teehee, you guys are cool!" grinned Jigglypuff.

"I'm gonna do this Road Block, man," said Fox quickly, taking out his blaster.

"Let's help each other!" Fox smiled, walking up to Mewtwo.

Mewtwo sighed, and ripped apart 25 Shredders with his mind.

Fox shot tentatively at one, the resulting explosion taking out about ten more. Fox finished the rest with a Fox Illusion, and the two teams ran back to their teammates.

"Can we follow you, dudes?" asked Fox.

"FINE! FINE YOU BRAINDEAD HORNDOG FRATBOY DULLARDS, FINE!" replied Mewtwo.

_Mewtwo_

"Marth and Fox are the only team I have good feelings about," said Mewtwo in an interview.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in Last Place_

"Roy and Ganondorf just passed us," said Ness.

"It's your entire damn fault," scoffed Kirby.

"Will you just drop the whole "we're nothing like the team we're supposed to reference anymore" crap?" asked Ness, annoyed at Kirby's attitude.

"It's a damn indignity!" shouted Kirby.

"Are you just trying to slow us down now?" asked Ness, infuriated.

"I hate you," replied Kirby.

Ness grabbed the edge of a plant to vent out some stress.

"I'll freaking KILL you soon..." sighed Ness, smoking a cigarette to alleviate the stress.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"Yarr, how be we passing Kirby and Ness?" asked Roy, tossing some Grenchlers aside.

"Like, I have no idea!" gasped Ganondorf in amazement.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in Last Place_

"Detour's over there..." sighed Kirby dejectedly.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Arr, here it be," smiled Roy. "Save Station..."

Roy and Ganondorf left the area as Kirby and Ness walked in.

"Did you go through that pile?" asked Ness.

"Yarr," replied Roy. "How about you?"

"Well, let me see, you freaking dumbass, we only just got here," replied Ness. "So I'm thinking no!"

"Like, what's wrong with you guys today?" asked Ganondorf inquisitively.

"It-ah-nothing..." sighed Ness. "Do they let you use the Grenchlers to choke people and electrocute them?"

"Seriously, what be it?" asked Roy, pointing at Kirby.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"500kg!" read Yoshi.

Peach took the clue.

"I'm still breaking up with you," sniffed Yoshi haughtily.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in Last Place_

Ness threw Kirby into the pile, and picked up a clue another team had left partially uncovered.

"Well, that was simple," grinned Ness.

"I'm shocked and disgusted," complained Kirby.

"Whatever," replied Ness.

_Great Temple_

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, Marth and Fox, you're teams number four and five, respectively," awarded Crazy Hand.

Marth and Fox low-fived each other, while Mewtwo grudgingly shook everyone's hands. With his mind.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Arr, I be doing it," assigned Roy, stepping out into the field of Shredders, of which there was much less than before.

"Like, you can almost see them dying now," admitted Ganondorf.

Roy drew his sword, and started killing the dying animals. Half of them died in mid-flight.

"Arr, a lot of the tasks seem to be easier for the last few teams," noticed Roy, taking the clue.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in Last Place_

"The Save Station's up ahead," said Peach, as Kirby and Ness barged past.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"I'll do the Road Block," decided Kirby, taking a chance to get away from Ness.

Kirby stepped out in the battlefield.

25 Shredders fell over, dead.

"Damnit," dammitted Kirby, as Yoshi finished beating up the corpses too.

_Roy and __Ganondorf_

_Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Roy and Ganondorf, you're team number six," said Crazy Hand grimly.

Ganondorf gave a cheer, while Roy slumped against the edge of a rock, his hands on his head in relief.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in Last Place_

"I don't want to be eliminated," sighed Kirby. "I just don't care, and I'm sorry for this leg..."

"Thank you!" smiled Ness, with some relief.

"I just can't believe it, we're just a weak team, we came seventh twice..." mumbled Kirby.

"Well, we won last leg," offered Ness helpfully.

"And now we're eliminated," sighed Kirby.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Currently in 7__th__ Place_

"I'm not giving up, we've been fairly strong until now!" grunted Yoshi, clenching his fists.

"The last elevator!" cried Peach, hopping on it.

"It has to leave before Kirby and Ness get on, it just has to!" cried Yoshi frantically.

_Kirby and Ness_

_Currently in Last Place_

The elevator began to rise.

"Ness, I'm gonna make this up to you," said Kirby, finally grinning.

Kirby swallowed the rising elevator, and became Elevator Kirby.

"Alright!" smiled Ness, jumping on top of Kirby's elevator form.

"Nothing can go wrong now!" screamed Kirby, ascending rapidly, past Yoshi and Peach's elevator.

"We're here to win!" called Ness, giving Yoshi and Peach a mock thumbs-up.

Yoshi's tongue grabbed on the end of the Kirby elevator, and Yoshi pulled himself and Peach up.

"Yeah," replied Yoshi. "Neither did we."

_Temple_

As Kirby arrived at the temple grounds in elevator form, Ness sprinted off, dashing to the pit stop.

"Kirby, come on!" cried Ness, sweating as he stepped on the pit stop.

Kirby, Peach, and Yoshi appeared at the top, and Kirby became regular Kirby again.

"We can beat them!" cried Yoshi, but Kirby swallowed him, and became Yoshi Kirby.

"Peach, baby, come on, we can get there before Kirby does!" said Yoshi Kirby slyly, pointing to Yoshi.

"You look so cute today, hun!" smiled Peach, allowing Yoshi Kirby to take her hand.

Kirby grinned, and ran onto the pit stop with Peach.

"Just one more thing, sweetie!" said Kirby in a horribly cute voice.

"Yes?" asked Peach.

Kirby raised both hands above his head, and waved. "Hiiiii!" screamed Kirby, losing his Yoshi hat and revealing himself.

"Now that was awesome," said Ness in awe.

"Kirby and Ness, you are team number seven!" said Crazy Hand.

"Kirby! You deceived me!" cried Peach. "You mean, nasty, surprisingly sexy puffball!"

Kirby grinned at Ness.

"So, we back on track?" asked Kirby.

"Better moods!" smiled Ness, hugging Kirby.

"Freak," muttered Kirby under his breath.

_Yoshi__ and Peach_

_Last Place_

A lagging Yoshi ran onto the pit stop, where Crazy Hand was looking grim.

"Yoshi and Peach, you're the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand. "And I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the race."

"Thanks anyway," sighed Peach.

"Peach, there's something I want to tell you..." stuttered Yoshi. "The reason I kept breaking up with you is because...well..."

Peach looked at Yoshi expectantly.

"I'm gay," finished Yoshi.

"Huh?" asked Peach, confused.

"Yes...so it looks like we can't be together any more..." sniffed Yoshi, a tear running down his cheek.

"'k," replied Peach.

* * *

Arrival Times!1

Mario and Bowser: 2:25pm

Ike and Pit: 3:15pm

Pichu and Young Link: 3:34pm

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff: 3:56pm

Marth and Fox: 3:57pm

Roy and Ganondorf: 5:05pm

Kirby and Ness: 5:22pm

Yoshi and Peach: 5:23pm – ELIMINATED

* * *

"Next week, on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" said Crazy Hand, "Teams go to a strange third party area!"

"Kirby and Ness try hard to control their differences!"

"Pichu and Young Link have navigational problems!"

"Roy and Ganondorf encounter a 'small' problem!"

"These previews suck and nobody reads them!"

* * *

REVIEW! Um...I'll be your best fwend if you do?! 


	5. The Race Improves In Space Colony ARK!

Disclaimer: If I owned these guys, Mewtwo would be in Brawl. Sniff.

* * *

_"Previously on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" announced Crazy Hand. "Eight teams left Johto and headed to the planet Aether! Things got rough between Kirby and Ness when translating a message became the way forward!"_

_"Similarly, Mario and Bowser walked up an elevator, and led two other teams to a wrong door!"_

_"Teams chose between feeding a Sporb or digging through Grenchlers, but in the end, picking the slower Detour was the downfall of Yoshi and Peach!"_

_"Seven teams remain...who will be eliminated, next?"_

* * *

And who's left? (With their Brawl mains)

Mario/Bowser (Bowser/Mario)

Ike/Pit (Captain Falcon/Ice Climbers)

Pichu/Young Link (Pikachu/Toon Link)

Mewtwo/Jigglypuff (Hates Brawl/Samus)

Marth/Fox (Zero Suit Samus/Zero Suit Samus)

Roy/Ganondorf (Toon Link/Peach)

Kirby/Ness (Meta-Knight/Lucario)

* * *

"This, is Agon Wastes," said Crazy Hand proudly, floating around the large rock formation in the middle of the room. "And in this part of Aether, the Great Temple! This temple was the fourth pit stop in a race around the world! Teams arrived here at the end of the last leg for a mandatory rest period, where they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams!"

Pichu's charred body fell in front of Crazy Hand, who determinedly ignored it.

"Can Mario and Bowser hang onto their lead? And will Kirby and Ness stay united long enough to avoid their fourth seventh place, a place that is now dangerous?"

"Mario and Bowser, who were first to arrive at 2:25pm, will depart at 2:25am!"

* * *

__

Mario and Bowser  
1st to Depart, 2:25am

"Make your way via spaceship to Space Colony ARK," read Bowser. "Once there, find the Eclipse Cannon."

"_Teams must now take one of these seven spaceships to the Space Colony ARK, which made its debut in Sonic Adventure 2!" explained Crazy Hand, ignoring the protests. "Once here, they must find the Eclipse Cannon, capable of destroying entire planets, where they will find their next clue!"_

"I think I know-a where to go-a!" smiled Mario brightly.

_Ike and Pit  
__2__nd__ to Depart, 3:15am_

"Mario and Bowser can surprise us now and then," Pit told the camera. "They're resourceful, they're good racers, but I think Ike and I are better racers than them, and if they hadn't taken the Fast Forward, we would have won last leg."

"ARK?" asked Ike. "I thought we'd have to go to Soleanna or somethi-"

Sonic appeared and beat Ike to death with a shoe.

"THAT GAME DOES NOT EXIST!" cried Sonic wildly.

_Pichu and Young Link  
__3__rd__ to Depart, 3:31am_

"We're behind Ike and Pit," said Young Link, "And they don't like us, but they can't race very well. Everyone else in this whole race just slides by us based on luck alone,"

"Space Colony ARK," read Pichu. "And we're doing good!"

"All the other teams can go die!" grinned Young Link happily.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__4__th__ to Depart, 3:56am_

"Make your way to Space Colony ARK," read Mewtwo calmly.

"I'm nervous now that we're down to the best few teams," admitted Jigglypuff.

"Don't worry, I can always kill them with my psychic powers," consoled Mewtwo.

"Really?" asked Jigglypuff hopefully.

Mewtwo killed her.

With his psychic powers.

_Marth and Fox  
__5__th__ to Depart, 3:57am_

"Outer space, dude!" grinned Fox.

"We're in space already, bro," replied Marth.

"Dude, harsh," cried Fox into his hands.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__6__th__ to Depart, 5:05am_

"Buenos dias! Me llamo Roy! Es chupa ligre!" smiled Roy at the camera.

"Like, what are you doing?" asked Ganondorf, repulsed.

"Yarr, people not be liking my pirate angle..." sighed Roy. "So yarr be using a Spanish angle!"

Roy indicated a saxophone and a pencil case.

"Like, those aren't Spanish," observed Ganondorf. "And we need to move, we're in like, sixth place! Next to last!"

"Yarr, I always did want to learn how to count past five..." said Roy, a tear trickling down his cheek.

"Like, I just know there won't be any equalising spots!" whined Ganondorf.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Last to Depart, 5:22am_

"I make no apologies for who I am," admitted Kirby to the camera. "I mean, why apologise about your personality, right? Last leg, I just wanted to relax..."

"When I applied for the race with Kirby, I definitely never saw us having a bad leg like last leg," lamented Ness. "But it can only go uphill from there, right?"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"We're gonna win the million!" sang Jigglypuff, over and over again.

"Yeah, but we have to beat your new boyfriend to do that," pointed out Mewtwo.

Mewtwo turned to the camera.

"At the pit stop last leg, Ike and Jigglypuff got together and began dating," explained Mewtwo.

"Yeah, so him and Pit can come second to us!" smiled Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo gave a sarcastic thumbs-up.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"So, Ike, how about that...um...Super Bowl?!" asked Pit, trying to stir up a conversation.

"Forget that...I'm in love..." simpered Ike. "With a beautiful woman..."

Pit considered the remaining racers. "Ganondorf?"

Ike suddenly slipped out of his reverie, and slapped Pit.

"Jigglypuff, you fool! Her name is Jigglypuff!" screamed Ike.

"Pfft, sorry..." sighed Pit.

"My love for her burns like the fires of a thousand...suns..." simpered Ike.

Pit gave a sarcastic thumbs-up.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Here we are!" grinned Bowser, arriving at the spaceship depot.

"Ike-a and Pit are approaching..." lamented Mario, pointing at the second car.

"No, I don't want to have to deal with the boyfriend team!" grunted Bowser sadly.

Ike and Pit slammed the door of their car and walked straight up to Mario and Bowser.

"WHAT," stormed Pit, taking out his bow, "THE HELL DID YOU CALL US?"

"Look, "said Ike, glaring right at Bowser, "Have you even been paying attention? I'm dating Jigglypuff. That's one more girl than you're dating, Sir Kidnappalot."

"You seem to be forgetting-a something," piped up Mario, jumping between Ike and Bowser, "We're the villain team-a, so we don't care-a what you think!"

Mario and Bowser, followed by Ike and Pit, stormed into a spaceship, which blasted off towards the ARK.

_Space Colony ARK  
__Eclipse Cannon_

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Detour!" read Pit, while Ike was still scowling over at Mario and Bowser. "Deduct or Destruct?"

"_A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" explained Crazy Hand. "In this Detour, teams must choose between Deduct or Destruct!"_

"_In Deduct, teams must use one of Tails' fake emeralds, enclosed in the clue, and search the outdoor area known as Meteor Herd for one of the seven Chaos Emeralds using the emeralds' magnetic wavelengths! Once a team has one of the real emeralds, they must bring it back up to the Eclipse Cannon, and solve a cryptic riddle to work out which slot their particular emerald fits into! Once they correctly fit in their Emerald, they will receive their next clue!"_

"_In Destruct, teams must deliver these razorblades to Shadow the Hedgehog, who will use the blades to cut a message into his wrist! Teams must then read the bloody message on Shadow's wrist, to find their next clue!"_

"Um, let's Deduct," decided Ike. "We've done enough bloodthirsty tasks."

"Okay, now we've just got to find a way out into this Meteor Herd place..." mused Pit.

"I can take you there," grinned a hired astronaut.

"Okay-" began Ike, but he was cut off by the astronaut.

"Because I'm studly and awesome, and I go into space all the time!" smirked the astronaut.

"Great, but could you calm down?" asked Ike.

"I'm the freaking MASTER at calming down!" grinned the astronaut pompously.

_3__rd__ Spaceship_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Mewtwo stormed out of the ship towards the cannon, looking enraged.

"What the hell was that?" asked Mewtwo scathingly. "I detected zero explanation on how anyone wound up here!"

Jigglypuff, who was clearly not listening, gave a romantic sigh.

"I miss him already..." simpered Jigglypuff.

"And can someone fix that thing, too?" asked Mewtwo to the camera, indicating Jigglypuff.

"I wonder how long I should wait before giving Ike my seed..." pondered Jigglypuff, perusing a lingerie catalogue.

"Gr-bu-that's-ahhh!" screamed Mewtwo, frustrated.

_Pichu and Young Link  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Hey Pichu, Shadow's an emo!" stated Young Link.

Pichu and Young Link both chuckled.

"Hey, I know, let's disregard Shadow and do the other task, rendering this already pitifully tiny filler scene for us completely pointless!" proposed Pichu.

Young Link considered the options.

"Okay!" smiled Young Link obnoxiously.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Dude, remember the days where we actually did anything?" asked Marth.

"Nope, can't remember, bro..." mused Fox.

"Wow, dude, we suck now..." sighed Marth.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Okay, so we're looking for a Chaos Emerald," said Mewtwo, trying to calm himself.

"I wonder if Ike's into hardco-" began Jigglypuff.

"OH SWEET GOD," raged Mewtwo, attempting suicide.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"So, astronaut, is this Meteor Herd?" asked Pit, looking out of a window.

"I can benchpress over 10,000 times my own weight!" smirked the astronaut, flexing his muscles arrogantly.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY GODDAMN IDEA WHERE WE'RE GOING?" screeched Ike, losing control. "MY FRIEND AND I ARE IN A RACE!"

"I raced the dolphins and won!" reminisced the astronaut, glassy-eyed.

"Is this guy supposed to be helping us?" asked Pit, jerking his head towards the astronaut.

"He's-I-well...um, I think so..." sighed Ike, regaining self-control.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Dude, do we need an astronaut?" asked Marth, casting glances around.

"Nah, man, we'll be fine," smirked Fox.

Fox casually walked off of the space colony.

"Dude, you forgot gravity, brah," observed Marth.

"Oh yeah," remembered Fox, listlessly veering back towards the colony.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Bowser-a!" cried Mario. "Your immense-a weight is pulling us down to the Meteor-a Herd!"

Bowser was above Mario.

Mario cursed. "D'aww, motherf-"

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Hey, the guy did get us down to Meteor Herd!" remarked Pit, looking around.

"How did he do that?" asked Ike, amazed. "I don't remember even moving!"

The astronaut pulled off his helmet and revealed himself to be...

"Sakurai?" asked Ike and Pit together.

"That's right, now where are my characters?" asked Sakurai confidently.

"Kirby's in last place, and Meta-Knight's been eliminated," replied Ike.

"And King Dedede wasn't in the race," contributed Pit.

Sakurai's left eye twitched.

"And what are you doing in a Sonic location?" asked Ike.

Sakurai dejectedly walked off.

"Hey, look, we get a fake emerald with this task," noticed Pit.

"Maybe we can use it to get a real one," suggested Ike.

Pit nodded, and held the fake Chaos Emerald at arm's length, to check for a reaction.

"Hey, how about you stay here and hold this Emerald, and I'll wander around until I hear something from a real one?" suggested Ike.

"That's an idea!" smiled Pit. "Jackass!"

Ike took a step, and impaled his foot on a real Emerald lying point up.

"I think we're done already!" grinned Pit, as Ike bled profusely.

"Tell Jigglypuff I love her!" panted Ike, trying to staunch the flow of blood.

Pit gave a sarcastic thumbs-up.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mario fell softly to the ground in Meteor Herd, before being crushed by Bowser.

"Is this-a the emerald?" Mario asked harshly, pulling himself up from underneath Bowser.

"Yes, now shut up!" smiled Bowser merrily.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Hey, Mario and Bowser are coming..." noticed Pit, scratching his chin.

Ike hobbled over, his eyes darting regularly to the blood flowing from his foot.

"If they see us here, won't they know that the real ones are easy to find?" asked Ike. "I think we should try to trick them, they're pretty strong."

"Gotcha," replied Pit.

Pit pocketed his real emerald, and climbed onto the central tower of Meteor Herd.

Mario and Bowser walked past.

"DAMMIT!" cried Pit, loudly and pointedly. "WHERE THE HECK IS THE EMERALD?"

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Pit kind of sounds like he's staging this..." mused Bowser, up at the screaming Pit.

"Let's-a throw this rock at him!" grinned Mario, throwing a glowing blue real Chaos Emerald-like rock at Pit.

"ASGHADGFSHD!" screamed Bowser. "YOU FREAKING IDIOT, JENNY! I MEAN MARIO!"

"Bowwwwwser!" pouted Mario. "I can't-a believe you're being so mean to me-a on my BIRTHDAAAAY!"

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Pit ducked under the flying emerald, and ran off with a limping Ike.

"Hopefully we'll get a larger lead on Mario and Bowser," winced Ike through his pain.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"When Ike and Pit got-a their emerald, they were-a over here..." said Mario, climbing up to the spot where Pit had been shouting.

"You're a tool Mario!" cried Bowser hysterically. "A tool and a pawn! It was a trick!"

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I hope they bought that whole act..." hoped Ike fervently, climbing into a ship back to the ARK with Pit.

"Well, they're running over to where we tricked 'em," replied Pit, pointing straight down, through the window, at Mario and Bowser.

"What d'you think, will anyone else pass them?" asked Ike.

"Hopefully," replied Pit.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Both Mario and Bowser were ascending the high central tower in Meteor Herd.

"Ike and Pit were up here when they got theirs," rationed Bowser.

Bowser looked up, to see Mario emerge from the platform Pit had been on.

"There's-a no Emerald here!" called Mario.

"Great, now we've wasted time," sulked Bowser, biting his lip.

Mario shot Bowser a dirty look as he climbed down.

"Just-a look for an Emerald-a!" retorted Mario angrily.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"We're in first place, and we're not giving it up for anyone or anything!" grinned Pit confidently.

"Except Jigglypuff..." sighed Ike dreamily.

Pit gave a sarcastic thumbs-up.

_Last Spaceship_

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Arr, this be a treacherous game," remarked Roy ominously. "And I be even more threatened now that the worst teams left seem to be myself and this fair maiden, and Kirby and Ness,"

"Stop, Roy, just stop!" screamed Ganondorf theatrically. "We're like, the super team!"

"We be in sixth place," retorted Roy.

Ganondorf cried.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in Last Place_

"So we need to freefall off of the colony to get down there?" asked Kirby.

"Looks like it," nodded Ness, biting his lip nervously.

Ness hesitantly jumped, eyes shut, and Kirby followed soon after.

Ness opened a bleary eye, and looked upwards.

Kirby was falling at an extremely slow speed, due to the fact that he weighs the same as the common marshmallow.

"Go faster!" called Ness.

Kirby was falling at an extremely slow speed, due to the fact that the ARK has a very faint field of gravity around it.

"Go faster!" called Ness.

Kirby was falling at an extremely slow speed, due to the fact that he wasn't used to space without a Warpstar.

"Can't you go faster?" asked Ness.

Kirby was falling at an extremely slow speed, due to the fact that he had accidentally stumbled upon an asteroid and was now trying to jump off of it.

"Go faster!" called Ness.

Kirby was falling at an extremely slow speed, due to the fact that a rock on the asteroid had ripped one of his shoes off, making him slightly lighter.

"Go faster!" called Ness.

Kirby shot Ness.

* * *

"Hello everyone, I'm Falco Lombardi, from the popular franchises Starfox, and Super Smash Bros," smiled Falco, sitting in an armchair.

"And I'm Pokemon Trainer, from Pokemon, and Super Smash Bros," smiled Pokemon Trainer.

"But we're not here to talk to you today as famous actors," said Falco, slightly sternly.

"That's right Falco," grinned Pokemon Trainer. "We're here to talk to you as friends. Friends who have been...well...losing some popularity for one insignificant reason. Pit would be here too, but he's in some race or whatever,"

"Isn't the race what we're talking about?" asked Falco. "I thought we were advertising The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race on DVD?"

Falco held up a DVD hopefully.

"No, Falco, we're talking about the fame we're losing over our English voices in Super Smash Bros Brawl," smiled Pokemon Trainer.

"Um, okay, I guess we can talk about that..." hesitated Falco.

"Now, there is nothing WRONG with my voice, or that of Falco, or of any of my Pokemo-" began Pokemon Trainer.

Ivysaur walked in the room, coughed heavily, and said in a gravelly voice, "Ivysaur,"

"That's just freaking twisted," sighed Falco, raising an eyebrow.

Ivysaur coughed up a cigar.

* * *

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in Last Place_

"OW!" cried Ness, rubbing his bullet wound. "I thought we were working to be nicer to each other!"

"Well, all work and no play, you know," grinned Kirby, blowing smoke off his gun.

"You're a jerk!" pouted Ness.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"I can't-a believe we got fooled-a by the fangirl bait team!" growled Mario.

"Whatever, just stop being so damn insufferable and look for the Emerald," said Bowser, slightly sternly.

"But I found-a it ages ago!" complained Mario, producing a real emerald.

"What the-well why didn't you tell me?!" asked Bowser, fuming.

"It's the principle of-a the thing!" argued Mario.

"Okay, whatever," scoffed Bowser. "Now we need to take a ship back up to the Eclipse Cannon...and one wrong turn could have us lost in space or something!"

The ominous sound of foreshadowing resonated through the air.

"What-a was that?" asked Mario.

"Oh, just the ominous sound of foreshadowing," shrugged Bowser.

The ominous three-hour long orchestrated melody of foreshadowing played, as the camera slowly panned up to the main colony.

"Yep, everything should be fine," summed up Bowser.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Did you hear that?" asked Ike, looking around frantically. "It sounded like foreshadowing!"

"Nah, we're gonna be fine," scoffed Pit.

_Pichu and Young Link  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"I can't believe we're still freefalling!" cursed Pichu angrily.

"Hey Pichu, I don't feel so good..." groaned Young Link. "I think I'm getting some kind of really bad altitude sickness..."

"You sure?" asked Pichu. "You look fine."

Young Link gave a weak-sounding cough. "No, I'm pretty screwed up."

"Damn," sighed Pichu.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Young Link's sick, Mewtwo!" smiled Jigglypuff, tugging at Mewtwo's leg as they fell.

"Oh, how sad," replied Mewtwo sarcastically.

"Really? Why's that sad?" asked Jigglypuff. "Pichu and Young Link suck!"

"Whatever, at least it's not happening to us," sighed Mewtwo, looking over at Young Link, who was counting backwards from 10 and breathing heavily.

"He does know the oxygen field's low, right?" asked Mewtwo.

Young Link was turning blue.

"Oh well..." sighed Mewtwo.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"I can only see Kirby and Ness behind us!" cried Ganondorf. "Like, big trouble!"

"Yarr, we be doing terrible," lamented Roy.

"I don't get why we're always in the back-uh!" pouted Ganondorf, stomping her-erm...his foot on the last syllable.

"What did ye stomp yarr foot on?" asked Roy, noticing that himself and Ganondorf were hurtling through space.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Okay, so we get down to the colony, and it's a Chaos Emerald..." Ness reminded himself quietly.

"No-one went to see Shadow, he must suck," observed Kirby.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"We've landed," said Mewtwo shortly. "Start looking!"

Jigglypuff looked around without moving.

"Look harder!" instructed Mewtwo, opening his laptop.

Jigglypuff looked up without moving.

"Look harder!" grunted Mewtwo, opening .

Jigglypuff looked underground.

"Look harder!" yelled Mewtwo, reading The Body.

Jigglypuff looked around without moving.

"Oh, that is sick!" screamed Mewtwo, taking a pistol to Chapter 4. HINT HINT MEW2 SHULDNT BE DEDZ U MEENIEZ.

Jigglypuff looked up without moving.

_Pichu and Young Link  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Maybe I just need to run the sickness off..." groaned Young Link, landing gently. "So I'll look for the emerald, you stay here with the fake one.

Pichu picked up the fake emerald.

"Okay! I'll speak into it!" smiled Pichu. "Young Link, Young Link, Young Link, Young Link, Young Link, Young Link..."

Readers everywhere committed suicide.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Okay dude, let's look for the emerald!" grinned Fox, dashing off in search.

"Man, we need to do something!" worried Marth. "We're losing fans, dude!"

Marth played his guitar loudly into the fake emerald, causing Young Link's left eardrum to explode.

"Well, there's something, dude!" smiled Marth, watching Young Link clutch his bleeding ear and cry.

_Pichu and Young Link  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Young Link, I'm getting tired of saying your name!" called Pichu. "Can't you find the thing faster?"

"Just shut up, dammit!" screamed Young Link in return. "I have altitude sickness, and essentially one working ear, alright, but you don't hear me freaking complain!"

"Okay then, I'll stop, jeez!" said Pichu defensively.

"No, you have to stick to your guns!" exasperated Young Link. "Confrontation will up our popularity!"

All two fans of Pichu and Young Link committed suicide.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Wild ride," commented Pit. "At least we're nearly back at the colony..."

"Chyeah, and I think we're far ahead of the others," laughed Ike.

"Others would include Jigglypuff," realised Pit.

Ike frantically made for the exit, but Pit pulled him back by the scruff of the neck.

_Pichu and Young Link  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"I found two!" said Young Link, running back to Pichu carrying two Chaos Emeralds.

"We only need one," pointed out Pichu.

"Oh," said Young Link, throwing the other Emerald over his shoulder. It hit Mewtwo, who took the Emerald and Jigglypuff and left.

"Oops," said Young Link meekly.

"Well, now we need a ship up to the colony," realised Pichu.

"Okay," said Young Link, "But let's just go quick, I want to get away from this sick place, I'm still feeling kind of weird..."

"Can do," said a nearby shady looking astronaut.

The shady astronaut put Pichu and Young Link in his spaceship.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Duuude, the weirdos are leaving," despaired Marth, pointing over at Pichu and Young Link.

"Never mind man, I got it," revealed Fox, who had arrived a few seconds earlier with an emerald in hand.

"Awesome bro, let's vamoose," grinned Marth. "Here's Kirby and Ness already!"

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Okay, fake emerald, I'll check for a reading," Ness told Kirby, taking the fake cyan emerald.

"You're supposed to find the real one, fool!" said Kirby reproachfully, arms folded.

"Alright Kirby, this is it," grunted Ness, pushing the fake emerald into Kirby's arms. "You do something, and I'll sit back here and insult YOU."

Kirby held the fake emerald at arm's length, and turned around slowly to try and pick up the real emerald.

"Hey, that's actually a good idea for this task!" realised Ness. "Good one, Kirby!"

Kirby slapped Ness upside the head. "You're supposed to insult me!"

"Ow!" whined Ness, rubbing his bruise. "Jerk!"

"What?" asked Kirby warningly, raising his hand.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"I'm-a fine with being in second-a place, I suppose," lied Mario, inside the ship.

"But what's happening with everyone else?" wondered Bowser.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Let's starrrrt lookin'," ordered Roy, seizing the fake emerald and nervously looking over at Kirby and Ness.

Ganondorf lifted up a grain of sand, and checked under it.

"Like, not there..." reported Ganondorf sadly.

Roy cursed.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

Kirby slapped Ness again, the latter of whom fell face forwards into the ground.

"Owww-hey, you made me find an emerald!" smiled Ness, prising the emerald out from his left eye.

"Chyeah, I knew I was awesome," smirked Kirby.

"Thank goodness we avoided another misadventure with our communicatory mishaps!" laughed Ness.

Kirby punched Ness.

"WHY?" asked Ness loudly.

"I thought you were Yoshi," replied Kirby.

"He got eliminated!" wheezed Ness, massaging his stomach.

"I never said he hadn't got eliminated," replied Kirby indifferently.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

Roy and Ganondorf ascended the central tower of Meteor Herd.

"Where is this thing-uh?" pouted Ganondorf girlishly.

Roy's eyes narrowed, and his hand flew to his sword, but he quickly quenched the longing for blood.

"Yarr...I be wonderin' the same thing..." grunted Roy, forcing a reassuring smile.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

Kirby and Ness grimly trudged into the sixth spaceship, and took off, looking back at Roy and Ganondorf.

"We're going to beat them, at least..." muttered Ness.

"Yeah, but then after that we are soooo gonna lose," replied Kirby.

"Maybe things will work out," hoped Ness. "Something could go wrong up front, I suppose."

"Don't count on it," said Kirby hopelessly, looking down at the despondent Roy and Ganondorf.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

Roy and Ganondorf continued roaming around the upper levels of Meteor Herd.

"Like, what's with us?" wondered Ganondorf. "Why are we doing so bad?"

"Please...stop...yarr whinin'..." muttered Roy, collapsing against one of the light emitting beams on a nearby platform.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Ike and Pit, and Mario and Bowser are up ahead," Mewtwo told the camera, "We've got Pichu and Young Link and the frat boys behind us, with Kirby and Ness not terribly far behind...it looks like we're all safe, which is more than I can say about Roy and Ganondorf down there,"

Jigglypuff looked down, and pointed and laughed out of the window.

Mewtwo shut the window with his mind.

Jigglypuff lost a hand.

"OWOWOWOWOW!" screamed Jigglypuff. "That was mean! I'll get Ike to beat you up!"

Mewtwo chuckled sadistically.

"Why was that necessary?" asked the cameraman. Mewtwo began to choke him.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"This be madness," lamented Roy, searching through the meteoric escape pods for Chaos Emeralds.

Ganondorf sadly clutched the fake emerald. "I thought this was like, supposed to help us get the real one!"

The emerald was glowing, vibrating, and procuring a neon sign that said 'Over here, idiots'.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Ike and Pit's ship finally re-entered the ARK.

"Finally!" grinned Pit.

Ike clutched his head.

"Ike, what is it?" asked Pit.

"I just had this weird urge to kick Mewtwo's ass," replied Ike. "Anyway, let's read the riddle and put this emerald in the Eclipse Cannon!"

"Okay, let's see..." mused Pit, taking out a piece of paper with the riddle on it. "Put the emerald in one of the seven large emerald-shaped holes, idiot."

"How is that a riddle?" asked Ike.

"I have no idea," sighed Pit.

"Maybe it's some sort of cryptic metaphor-ah, who I am I kidding, this race is too easy..." sighed Ike.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Dude, Marth, I think we passed people," said Fox, looking out of their spaceship's window.

"Awesome, nice teamwork, bro," smiled Marth. "That puts us in, what? Third? Fourth?"

"Flying under the radar seems to be totally working for us," grinned Fox at the camera.

"Definitely," replied Marth.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Listen, Mario, we've got both the fake emerald and the real one, and we're approaching the ARK, you want to think about that riddle we'll have to do?" asked Bowser. "I mean, who knows what it could be!"

"Shuuuuut up-a!" screamed Mario. "Stop undermining me at-a every turn!"

"I'm not undermining you!" said Bowser heatedly.

Mario stopped crying. "That-a was a test, Bowser! And you failed-a! You just-a undermined me there!"

_Suddenly, the triumphant smirk left Mario's face as Bowser, King of the Koopas, reached over and clawed Mario's neck and throat to pieces. Dancing around in the blood, Bowser proceeded to set fire to the corpse - whilst beating it to death with the fully alive body of Luigi - laughing maniacally. _

Mario snapped his fingers. "Bowser-a, you're lookin' pretty spaced out-a over there..."

Bowser snapped back into reality. "Hadn't noticed."

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

Roy and Ganondorf were at the very top platforms of Meteor Herd now, searching for the final Chaos Emerald.

"Arr, I'm starting to worry harr..." lamented Roy sadly, seeing the spaceships fly overhead.

"Like, why's that ship not working right?" asked Ganondorf, pointing to one of the six ships flying directly above them, spitting out gas from both exhausts.

A small rock slipped out from the cockpit of the ship, neither of the team members inside noticing.

"A Chaos Emerald!" grinned Ganondorf.

"Arr, this is a glorious day!" smiled Roy, jumping down some platforms to get to the seventh – and last - spaceship.

"Better like, hurry!" smirked Ganondorf. "We might still have a chance at this thing!"

* * *

Ivysaur continued heaving cigars.

"That's perfectly normal!" smiled Pokemon Trainer, teeth slightly gritted.

"Dude, your Ivysaur sucks!" complained Falco.

Suddenly, Ivysaur was shot. He fell to the ground, dead.

"Ah, here's another one of our friends plagued by a prolific voice!" grinned Pokemon Trainer, urging a reluctant Wolf into the room. "This is Wolf O'Donnell, also from the Starfox games, kids!"

"I will be the one to take you down!" threatened Wolf, pointing his gun at Pokemon Trainer's face.

"Oh Wolf, you're such a tease!" laughed Pokemon Trainer, affectionately punching Wolf in the shoulder.

Falco, knowing Wolf, signalled to the cameraman to stop filming.

"Cut, cut, cut!" cried Falco, seeing Wolf's claws extend. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CU-"

* * *

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Ike and Pit ran up to the Eclipse Cannon, with the real Chaos Emerald in hand.

"Do you think it just slots in?" asked Ike, looking at the emerald-shaped holes.

"I guess so, but man, I was hoping for a challenging task..." lamented Pit.

Ike sighed, and put the Emerald in the top most slot.

The Emerald fell out.

"Hey Pit, this isn't working!" complained Ike, trying again.

Pit tried.

Ike tried.

Pit tried.

Ike tried.

Pit tried.

"HOW DO WE PUT THIS THING IN?!" asked Pit.

Ike chuckled.

"If you say 'That's what she said', I'm going to have to kill you," warned Pit icily.

"What? No, I was chuckling at the irony that this is the difficulty in the task," replied Ike. "I would not stoop so low as to make jokes about my deep relationship with Jigglypuff, you foolish fool!"

Pit gave a sarcastic thumbs-up.

Then he flipped Ike off.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Uh-oh, the last spaceship's taking off," noticed Kirby nervously.

"Damn, I guess Roy and Ganondorf aren't completely out of the running yet..." lamented Ness.

"Where's the other one going?" asked Kirby.

"What?" replied Ness absent-mindedly, still worrying about Roy and Ganondorf beating them.

"Never mind," hesitated Kirby.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Yo, we got passed again," noticed Marth, seeing a spaceship drifting past them.

"Damn, I think our guy's lost," said Fox nervously, looking at the confused spaceship driver.

"What is this infernal contraption?!" asked the driver, who happened to be Knuckles the Echidna.

"Dude, that's a window," replied Fox.

"Oh. Right," said Knuckles sheepishly.

"Does that mean he's had no idea where he's been going, man?" asked Marth.

"I do too know where I'm going!" yelled Knuckles indignantly. "Have you forgotten that Meteor Herd was one of MY levels in Sonic Adventure 2?!"

"Dude, you never flew a spaceship though," replied Marth.

Knuckles burst into tears.

Marth and Fox chuckled heartily.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Kirby and Ness were confused.

"Okay, so we saw one spaceship drift past us," surmised Kirby. "But Roy and Ganondorf are still behind us, so we must have overtaken someone...who could it have been?"

"I don't know!" panicked Ness. "But we might be going the wrong way!"

"What makes you say that?" asked Kirby.

Ness pointed at the window and said, "We just passed Marth and Fox, but they're going the other way!"

"Are they wrong, or are we wrong?" asked Kirby.

"I have no idea what the heck is going on!" cried Ness.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

Roy and Ganondorf got aboard the ARK.

"Yarr, our guy took us to the ARRRRRRRRK second, but we arr furthest away from yonder Eclipse Cannon, so we be last anyway," surmised Roy.

"All we have to do is like, sprint!" grinned Ganondorf. "Come on Roy, you silly!"

"True fair lass, this could be arr big comeback," considered Roy.

_Pichu and Young Link  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

In the slow-moving, shady spaceship, Pichu was berating Young Link for being sick.

"Can't you go and sit by the other window?" cried Pichu incredulously, as Young Link tried not to vomit again. "Seriously! We need to watch out for other teams on both sides!"

Young Link gave a non-committal shake of the head, but quickly regretted it, as it just made him want to throw up more.

"Is this too hard for you?" demanded Pichu harshly. "Am I wasting my time on this race with you? Is that it?"

"I don't think you can see how sick I am..." panted Young Link, some of the ship's asbestos falling from the ceiling into his mouth.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"All the ships are diverging," mused Mewtwo.

"LOLZ WHUT?!" asked Jigglypuff calmly.

Mewtwo sighed. "It means they're moving further away. Could we be on the wrong path?"

"Liek, we haven't seen anyone for miles!" complained Jigglypuff.

"True," replied Mewtwo. He'd be biting his lip, but I'm not sure if he has teeth or not...hm...

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mario cautiously looked out of the ship's window, as they approached the ARK.

"Who's-a behind us?" demanded Mario. "That'd be-a...um...Jigs and Mewtwo-a?"

Bowser squinted against the glass.

"I can't see into the ship...but it's probably them..." agreed Bowser.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Ike, who was frustrated too by this point, picked up the Chaos Emerald and began jamming it into the little slot on the Eclipse Cannon as hard as he could.

"GET! IN! DAMN! YOU!" grunted Ike, making an attempt on every word. Finally, Ike got the emerald into the slot.

"There we go!" smiled Ike. "That was as easy as shake and bake!"

"And I helped!" grinned Pit at the camera.

/badcommercialreference

Pit grabbed the clue that mysteriously appeared upon completing the long-winded Detour.

"Road Block!" read Pit. "Who has a colourful imagination?"

"_A Road Block is a task only one member can perform!" said Crazy Hand...crazily..."In this Road Block, the chosen teammate must travel to Crazy Gadget's coloured block room, and complete the obstacle course, which involves the manipulation of gravity itself! The catch: the non-participating racer will have to give directions to their teammate!"_

"I'll do the course," decided Ike. "I bet they put this one in to catch out all of the teams that make one person do all the Road Blocks..."

"Fine," agreed Pit. "But if I screw up the directions, you only have yourself to blame if you actually listen to me."

Pit looked at the travel compass he was wearing over his neck.

"So which way's Crazy Gadget's block room?" asked Pit.

The camera panned out to reveal that Ike and Pit were in Crazy Gadget.

"What the heaven?" exclaimed Pit.

"Yeah, we were kind of walking and talking at the same time," replied Ike. "And here we are."

Ike and Pit looked around at all the blocks.

"This doesn't look easy," noted Ike. "And I'm gonna have to go through that..."

"And how am I supposed to give you directions in altering gravity without moving myself?" asked Pit.

Eggman ran in and taped Pit to the floor.

"Oh, that'll work," said Pit sarcastically, half-heartedly lifting a foot.

Ike stared at the first gravity switch.

"This starts it, right?" asked Ike, reassuring himself that the timer had already started.

Ike pulled the switch, beginning the timer and sending Ike upside down onto a purple block.

"You know what to do?" checked Pit, looking at the course, still standing upright due to the tape.

"Um, barely," admitted Ike, nervously looking at the short yet confusing course. "This looks rough, right here,"

"Just hit that switch up ahead, idiot," sighed Pit. "We're still reasonably far ahead of the others, I think,"

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"We're not really where we're meant to be, are we?" Ness asked the pilot of the ship.

"Oh, were you trying to go to the ARK?" asked the pilot, who incidentally was Rouge the Bat.

Kirby rudely looked Rouge straight in the kneecaps (hey, he's a tiny guy).

"No, we're going to the other huge space station in the middle of the Sonic universe," replied Kirby irritably.

"Hey, aren't you a cute little guy!" cooed Rouge, making insufferably patronising baby-faces at Kirby.

Kirby pulled out Blasty, his trusty shotgun, and shot Rouge in the forehead.

"Kirby!" gasped Ness, astonished. "You killed our pilot!"

"Ness did it," replied Kirby.

"That renegade!" cursed Ness. "If I ever find him, I'm going to have some stern words for him!"

"Yeah, that's the spirit!" agreed Kirby, now flying the ship.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Dude, Knuckles, you do know where the ARK is right?" checked Fox.

"Wild Canyon, fine, I gotta chase a bat, unh!" rapped Knuckles, listening to his themes on his own iPod.

Fox pulled out Blasty, his trusty blaster, and shot Knuckles in the forehead.

"Yo, that thing is trippin'!" complained Knuckles. "I only feel slightly injured, and I didn't even move!"

"Ness did it, dude," replied Fox.

_Pichu and Young Link  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"People have got to be crazy to expect our team to function properly in this state," complained Pichu unhelpfully, pointing to the bleeding and vomiting Young Link.

Young Link passed out.

"Fine, don't respond," spat Pichu, kicking Young Link's body.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"...and that's why I'm sure Ness did it, man," finished Fox.

Knuckles had taken his own life halfway through the brief yet boring story of Ness' life.

"Damn!" cursed Marth.

"Dude, it's okay, I fly ships or something," reassured Fox.

"Yeah, but still man, he was cool!" complained Marth, pointing at Knuckles' corpse.

"No he wasn't," replied Fox.

"Oh yeah, man, I was totally thinking about something else," decided Marth.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Ike darted between blocks effortlessly, grinning back at Pit.

"Heh, you got screwed on this one!" chuckled Ike.

Pit was less than amused.

"Did I? Really? I get to do all the navigational crap while you get to dance around blocks and think about your stupid girlfriend!" screamed Pit.

Ike gave a sarcastic thumbs up.

"JUST HIT THE SWITCH!" cried Pit. Ike did so, and finished the course.

"Make your way to Eternal Engine, the pit stop for this leg of the race," read Pit, while Ike returned through the one-way gravity tube.

"_Teams must now make their way to the center of what is widely believed to be one of the most annoying levels of SA2, and Tails' final level!" reported Crazy Hand. "The end of the level is the pit stop for this leg of the race! The last team to check in...is a rotten egg..."_

"_That wasn't funny," said Master Hand._

"_FINE THEN THEY MAY BE ELIMINATED!" roared Crazy Hand._

Ike and Pit ran off to check a map.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

Roy and Ganondorf continued running through the various hallways of the ARK.

"We, like, need this cannon to show up soon!" despaired Ganondorf.

"Yarr, we be fully awarrrrre we're in last place, so we're just making a dash ferrrr this cannon," explained Roy, sweating due to both nerves and fatigue.

_Pichu and Young Link  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"You don't want to at least glance out of the window for other teams?" asked Pichu obnoxiously.

"Pichu, I'm not staring out of the window, I feel sick enough," wheezed Young Link resignedly.

"But you look fine!" replied Pichu. "And we have to win the leg!"

Something inside Young Link snapped.

"Dammit Pichu, we won the first two legs, isn't that good enough for now?" asked Young Link as angrily as he could force his hoarse voice to go. "Those damn frat boys screwed up one of my ears, I'm vomiting every scene transition, nearly no-one likes our team, and I'm suffering constant psychological abuse from you too! You're supposed to be my best friend!"

"But all the other teams are healthy!" whined Pichu.

Young Link groaned.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mario and Bowser slouched up to the Eclipse Cannon, and put their emerald in the second-highest slot.

"I'm tired of freakin' everyone right now," grunted Bowser. "This is getting to the stage of the race where everyone's more tired than before..."

"Everything-a you say is wrong, and stupid-a!" said Mario feebly.

"See what I mean?" smirked Bowser. "Your insults are fading!"

"You're-a fat, and your boyfriend Chet...is dating...a cheerleader..." coughed Mario, thinking as hard as he could.

"I'm not a girl," replied Bowser. "Idiot."

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I can't make out where we're going at all!" cried Pit, looking up and down the hallways of Eternal Engine.

Ike spotted something in the distance, and pointed it out to Pit.

"Isn't that...Roy and Ganondorf?" asked Ike.

"Whatever," sighed Pit. "Now why are all these dynamite packs here?"

Ike and Pit carefully sidestepped past dynamite packs and Artificial Chaos.

_Pichu and Young Link  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Are you even trying to find other teams any more?" asked Pichu, frustrated.

Young Link was still slowly dying.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Keep going straight," encouraged Ike. "I can't see any more dynamite up ahead,"

"Yeah, we better hurry," replied Pit, not facing Ike.

Ike turned Pit around. "What's the hurry?"

Pit pointed at a large Artificial Chaos with several thousand arrows stuck in it.

"Why?!" asked Ike furiously.

Pit shrugged.

Ike sighed, and turned a corner with Pit nervously following. The engine itself was up ahead.

"There's Crazy Hand!" laughed Ike, relieved. "He can save us from the Artificial Chaos!"

The Artificial Chaos ate Ike's face.

"Watch out," said Pit listlessly.

"I hate you," chuckled Ike merrily.

Ike and Pit stepped onto the mat.

"Ike and Pit, you are team number one!" congratulated Crazy Hand.

"First place, finally!" cheered Pit, hi-fiving Ike. "No-one's gonna stop us!"

"Except maybe Jigglypu-" began Ike, taking out a small photo album.

Pit gave a sarcastic thumbs-up.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Okay dude, I think I'm getting back on track," said Fox, concentrating on flying the ship.

"Dude, we've made a lot of mistakes, but hopefully someone else did too," replied Marth, gesturing at Knuckles' dead body.

* * *

Wolf clawed at Falco's throat, killing him.

"KNOW MY POWER!" cried Wolf insanely, ripping off his face mask to reveal himself to be Lucario.

"OMFG!" cried Pokemon Trainer. "A Lucario! I must catch it! Go, Charizard!"

Charizard resignedly groaned, and faced Lucario.

"HA!" screamed Pokemon Trainer. "Fire beats Steel, and Flying beats Fighting! I have a double advantage! Charizard, use Flamethrower!"

"PK FIRE!" cried Charizard, ripping off his face mask to reveal himself to be Lucas.

"Kid, what are you doing here?" asked Lucario. "You have a decent voice!"

"Yes, but this PSA is going horribly wrong!" declared Lucas. "There's only one reasonable plan of action!"

Without warning, Lucas ripped off Pokemon Trainer's face.

"Behold, the power of Aura!" cried Lucas, ripping off his face mask to reveal himself to be Lucario.



"Wait, so who am I?" asked the Lucario formerly known as Wolf.

Lucas-Lucario ripped off Wolf-Lucario's face mask to reveal him to be a Riolu.

"Lame," said Riolu.

* * *

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"I'll-a do the Road Block!" decided Mario.

"Fine," sighed Bowser.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Mewtwo used his mind to projectile throw the Chaos Emerald into the third slot of the Eclipse Cannon, ad picked up the clue.

"Jigs, you do the Road Block, and I'll manipulate gravity myself," said Mewtwo quickly.

"Okay!" smiled Jigglypuff. "Now we just need to go to Crazy Gadget!"

Mewtwo read Mario and Bowser's mind.

"Okay, Crazy Gadget's this way, Bowser's pissed off, and Mario's rage stems from suppressed feelings of inadequacy," revealed Mewtwo, taking Jigglypuff by the hand.

"Don't touch me, you ain't my man, dawg!" complained Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo gave a sarcastic thumbs-up.

_Pichu and Young Link  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"So if this is how we're going to function in last place, I don't think we should be friends any more!" scoffed Pichu.

"Pichu, I'm freaking sick," replied Young Link faintly.

Pichu cupped his ears. "LALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

Young Link rolled his eyes, as best he could.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"You must now make your way to the Eternal Engine, which is the pit stop for this leg of the race!" read Bowser.

"There's-a only seven teams-a, I think-a we've got the blocks done first-a!" deduced Mario. "Ike and Pit-a must have screwed up-a!"

"Sure looks like it," agreed Bowser, noticing the lack of footprints on the metal framework of the ARK.

_Eternal Engine_

_Ike and Pit  
__1__st__ Place_

Ike and Pit were at the pit stop, laughing, congratulating each other and having a good time with Crazy Hand. They also got first dibs on the best pit stop snacks.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff passed the leaving Mario and Bowser.

"I think I want to reconsider doing this Road Block," decided Jigglypuff nervously.

Using his mind, Mewtwo picked up Jigglypuff and threw her at the end of the course, twisting gravity every so often.

"Pit stop, let's go," said Mewtwo shortly.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Out of breath, Roy and Ganondorf ran and finally made it to the Eclipse Cannon ahead of the three lost ships.

"Like, we got..." Ganondorf checked the amount of emeralds in the cannon, "...from last to fourth! Road Block! You want it?"

"Arr, I'll take it," agreed Roy, looking fatigued yet proud.

Roy and Ganondorf ran to Crazy Gadget, showing remarkable amounts of physical stamina, and began the block course immediately.

_Pichu and Young Link  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"I'm not going to listen to this any more, all right?!" screamed Pichu after Young Link vomited again. "I'm not gonna put up with it!"

"Pichu, don't-" began Young Link, but it was too late.

Pichu shot himself.

"Great...he's dead..." moaned Young Link.

Young Link considered this.

"Great, he's dead!" grinned Young Link.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mario and Bowser sprinted around the same corner that Ike and Pit took, and ran towards the pit stop.

Crazy Hand raised an eyebrow, Phil-style. Or at least one of the hairs on the back of his hand. Or at least if it was ungloved.

Mario and Bowser stepped on the pit stop, arms raised triumphantly.

"Mario and Bowser, you're team number two!" awarded Crazy Hand.

"Yay-a!" grinned Mario.

Bowser gave a shocked noise, but then saw Ike and Pit, and forced a grin.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"This isn't good," lamented Mewtwo. "We saw Roy and Ganondorf come in when we left the blocks, so we're back down to second-last..."

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff landed on the pit stop.

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you are team number..." began Crazy Hand, going for a suspenseful fake-out.

"Six?" asked Jigglypuff tentatively.

"Three," replied Crazy Hand.

"Three? Three is great!" enthused Jigglypuff.

Ike walked over to Mewtwo and Jigglypuff.

"I'm really glad you're still in," smiled Ike sexily, wrapping his arms around Jigglypuff. They made out.

Pit and Mewtwo gave sarcastic thumbs-ups.

_Eclipse Cannon_

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Miraculously, we got to the cannon in not-last place," remarked Kirby, slotting the Chaos Emerald into the fifth slot.

"We seriously lucked out to put two teams behind us," admitted Ness sheepishly.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Roy deftly jumped from the top of the yellow block to the underside of the red block, with a little gravity-altering from Ganondorf.

"Yarr, do y'all think anyone else be close behind?" called Roy.

"Totally no idea!" replied Ganondorf.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Dude, Eclipse Cannon!" said Marth, putting the emerald in the sixth slot.

"Dude, Kirby and Ness!" pointed out Fox.

"Dude, let's haul ass!" replied Marth, throwing a donkey at Kirby and Ness.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

Kirby and Ness saw the block room up ahead, and sprinted towards it, but suddenly Ness was hit by a rabid donkey.

"Damn!" cried Ness. "This must mean someone's right behind us!"

"It's the frat boys!" noticed Kirby urgently. "You do the Road Block!"

"It's the author's favourites, and Roy and his girlfriend, dude!" called Fox. "I'll do the Road Block!"

Kirby jumped up onto the first block.

"Ness, steer me, quick!" urged Kirby. Ness moved the gravity switches controlling Kirby as fast as he could.

Fox jumped up onto the first block seconds after Kirby.

"Dude, Marth, do the same directions as Ness, ignore the chick!" called Fox, gesturing with one hand to Ness and the other to Ganondorf.

"Like, I'm a guy," replied Ganondorf.

"Dude, you're a chick," said Marth.

"Like-"

"Dude-"

"Like-"

"Dude-"

They continued interrupting each other, while Ness led Kirby further.

Roy interrupted everything however, by appearing out of the return tube with the clue.

"Arr, Ganbledark, whatever that moniker be, let's go," said Roy, dragging Ganondorf away.

"LIIIIIIIIIIKE!" screamed Ganondorf as he was dragged away.

"Dude, Roy's babe is bad candy," Marth told Ness.

"Don't you talk to me," replied Ness coldly.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Roy and Ganondorf, you are team number four," checked in Crazy Hand, looking at the tired, sweaty Roy and Ganondorf.

"Like, we started in sixth!" remarked Ganondorf. "Good day to be us!"

"Yarr, it be a remarrrkable comeback indeed, especially aftarrrr that Detour," agreed Roy.

"I thought we were totally done for!" smiled Ganondorf.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_



Fox and Kirby flew out of the return tube.

"Dude, we need to hang on!" said Marth immediately upon being reunited with Fox. "Everyone else checked in, bro!"

"We're faster than these guys, man!" grinned Fox. "We've got 'em!"

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Eternal Engine's a short run this way!" called Ness, pointing out a route for himself and Kirby.

"Marth and Fox heard you!" replied Kirby, pointing at the frat boys tearing down the path at a run.

"Forget them," advised Ness. "Just focus on getting on that mat!"

"Ooh, I could do some cheesy swallowing again to make us beat them!" decided Kirby.

"Nahh, we used that," replied Ness. "We'll just have to rely on skills!"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Marth and Fox, you are team number five!" said Crazy Hand.

"Hi-five, dude!" joked Marth. "But we need a hi-one next time!"

"OLOL," said Fox.

"I mean, totally man!" smiled Fox nervously, hi-fiving Marth.

"DAMMIT!" a puffball and psychic teenager who weren't Kirby and Ness AT ALL said.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 6__th__ Place_

"Kirby and Ness, you are team number six!" awarded Crazy Hand.

"I guess it's cool that we're still in the race," said Ness. "But placing higher would be better..."

"Wait, so if we're not last," began Kirby, indicating himself and Ness, "And the frats aren't last..."

Marth and Fox gave mock salutes.

"...who did we beat?"

The other four teams walked over to the frats and Kirby and Ness.

"It can't be..." muttered Roy. "They left the Detour about a half-hour befarr us..."

"I'm sensing they got lost," replied Mewtwo.

"So...does that mean..." said Pit slowly.

_Young Link  
__Currently Partially Deaf, with Altitude Sickness, a Dead Teammate, in Last Place, Without Friends_

"Maybe I can beat someone..." spluttered Young Link, one of his eyes now unfocused as he staggered out of the ship towards the Eclipse Cannon, Pichu's body in tow.

_Eternal Engine_

"The very thing we've dreamed of since the end of the first leg..." continued the six teams in unison.

_Young Link_

Young Link feebly placed the **last** Emerald into the **last** slot of the Eclipse Cannon, then opened a clue for the **last** time. He decided to read the clue a few times, to make it **last**.

A production guy walked up.

"Got your customised clue right here," said the guy.

Young Link opened the clue, and read: "Pichu and Young Link, you are no longer in physical condition to continue the race. Even if you were, you are a considerable (aka long-assed) amount of time behind everyone else and would be last anyway. I'm not all that sorry to tell you that you've been eliminated from the race,"

"What a coward," coughed Young Link after he finished reading. "Crazy Hand doesn't even have the gall to eliminate me in person,"

A familiar hand floated from some several miles away up to Young Link.

"O RLY?" asked Crazy Hand.

Young Link's face fell.

"Pichu and Young Link, I believe I clearly told you in the clue that you have been eliminated," Crazy Hand said in an official manner.

"I know," said Young Link. "I never said we weren't,"

Flies started circling Pichu's corpse.

"Wait a minute..." thought Young Link aloud. "How am I supposed to leave the ARK now?"

"Oh, don't worry, all travel arrangements have been taken care of to accommodate your sickly needs," replied Crazy Hand dryly.

"Oh, good, because I-" began Young Link.

Crazy Hand shoved Young Link off of the space colony ARK.

* * *

Arrival Times?!

Ike and Pit: 2:24pm

Mario and Bowser: 2:46pm

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff: 3:12pm

Roy and Ganondorf: 3:52pm

Marth and Fox: 4:02pm

Kirby and Ness: 4:43pm

Pichu and Young Link: Undetermined – ELIMINATED

* * *

"Next time: on the Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" preview'd Crazy Hand.

"Mario and Bowser butt heads once again!"

"_THIS-A IS WHY YOU HAVE-A NO FRIENDS!" screamed Mario._

_Bowser held a mirror up to Mario's face._

"And Marth and Fox are accused of breaking race rules by other racers!"

"_Listen, dudes, I'm telling you we didn't do anything wrong!" complained Marth._

"_We're getting nowhere with these people, man..." sighed Fox._

* * *

Read, review, who'd you like, who'd you hate, who you want to win, who you want eliminated next, whether you prefer the ads or the PSA from this leg, and shower me with praise and affection and money!


	6. Drugs Prove Useful In Eagleland!

* * *

"Previously on the Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" announced Crazy Hand. "Peach and Knuckle Joe were-dammit, wrong script..."

--TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE CHANGE CHANNEL. THIS HAS BEEN CBZ ENTERTAINMENT. --

"Seven teams left Aether, and travelled to the Space Colony ARK! Mario and Bowser quickly antagonised Ike and Pit!"

"_No, I don't want to have to deal with the boyfriend team!" grunted Bowser sadly._

_Ike and Pit slammed the door of their car and walked straight up to Mario and Bowser._

"_WHAT," stormed Pit, taking out his bow, "THE HELL DID YOU CALL US?"_

"And the once-top contenders for the million Pichu and Young Link encountered problems!"

"_Young Link, I'm getting tired of saying your name!" called Pichu. "Can't you find the thing faster?"_

"_Just shut up, dammit!" screamed Young Link in return. "I have altitude sickness, and essentially one working ear, alright, but you don't hear me freaking complain!"_

"Some of the teams grew irritated with each other..."

"_I'm tired of freakin' everyone right now," grunted Bowser. "This is getting to the stage of the race where everyone's more tired than before..."_

"_Everything-a you say is wrong, and stupid-a!" said Mario feebly._

_Mewtwo shut the window with his mind._

_Jigglypuff lost a hand._

_Roy's eyes narrowed, and his hand flew to his sword, but he quickly quenched the longing for blood._

"Pichu and Young Link's problems continued, culminating in Pichu committing suicide!"

_Pichu shot himself._

"_Great...he's dead..." moaned Young Link._

_Young Link considered this._

"_Great, he's dead!" grinned Young Link._

"And in the end, Young Link was eliminated!" cheered Crazy Hand. The studio audience gave light applause.

Crazy Hand pulled out a gun.

The studio audience gave a rumbling cheer and more applause.



* * *

The Teams! (Now with self-appointed nicknames)

Ike and Pit (Team Betterthanallofyou)

Mario and Bowser (Team Happy-time Friends)

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff (Awesome Manly Psychic Overlord 'n Brat)

Roy and Ganondorf (Like, Team N'yaaaarggh)

Marth and Fox (The Fighting Cougars: Varsity Squad, Dude!)

Kirby and Ness (Slow and Steady Stabs the Face)

* * *

Crazy Hand floated around the admittedly restricted area of Eternal Engine.

"This is Eternal Engine: Tails' final level in the game Sonic Adventure 2!" said Crazy Hand, ignoring the flashing, red banner Master Hand was holding up behind him reading 'SUBLMINIAL MESSAGES'. "This area of the Space Colony ARK was the fifth pit stop in a race around the world! Teams arrived here at the end of the last leg for a mandatory rest period, where they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams!"

_Marth was nervously making conversation with Mewtwo, as Fox was bandaging the wounds from his last try to talk to the psychic being._

_Roy strutted around without a shirt on, which would have passed for fan-service if he didn't have scars and scurvy and whatnot. Unless you're into that type of thing. _

_Marth strutted around without a shirt on, which would have passed for fan-service if I had more gay/female fans. Enjoy, women! Enjoy...I don't think I have any...but enjoy, gays!_

"Will the racers control their tempers? Will Marth and Fox, the only team to never thus far physically harm each other, finally snap at each other?" wondered Crazy Hand. "Will Ike and Jigglypuff continue their inter-team relationship, or will the race prove more important to their teams?"

"Ike and Pit, who were the first to arrive at 2:24pm, will depart at 2:24am!"

_Ike and Pit  
__1__st__ to Depart, 2:24am_

"Make your way to New Pork City in the Nowhere Islands, and find Lucas' Lemonade Stand, where you will find your next clue!" read Ike.

"_Teams must now take a spaceship back down to Earth, or more specifically, down to the Nowhere Islands! Once there, teams must then figure out how to get to New Pork City, and find Lucas' Lemonade Stand!"_

Ike and Pit walked over to their spoon-fed, fully paid for spaceship.

"This is where we deserve to be," Pit told the camera. "First place, in the top six teams!"



"We think we'll last pretty long," reasoned Ike. "As far as we can tell, Roy and Ganondorf and Kirby and Ness are running out of steam, so we're pretty confident for the next few legs,"

"You go straight to the Nowhere Islands, right?" Pit checked with the pilot.

"Yes, you certainly do," replied Vector the Crocodile. "If you pay me right,"

Pit sighed, and took out his wallet.

"Thaaaat's right..." chuckled Vector softly. "**All** of the baby photos..."

Pit shuffled in his seat to get away from Vector.

"Okay, so we have a weird pilot," admitted Ike. "But at least we're in first, right?"

Vector pointed and laughed at Pit's baby photos.

Pit stared at Vector, shocked.

"Well if you're not going to respond, you'll get no sympathy from m-" began Ike.

Vector jumped and turned around in his chair.

"Did you just say the sympathy line?!" asked Vector. "YOU'RE IKE GREIL!?"

"Depends," replied Ike. "Say 'find the computer room'. Like you did in Shadow's game. Do it now."

Vector turned back around in his seat and looked ashamed.

_Mario and Bowser  
__2__nd__ to Depart, 2:46am_

"Make your way to New Pork City in the Nowhere Islands, and find Lucas' Lemonade Stand, where you will find your next clue!" read Ike. Um, I mean Bowser. Copy and paste, you say? No!

"I think-a this experience is making Bowser-a act irrationally," Mario told the camera. "But he's showing-a a lot more resilience!"

"Mario pushes me so close to killing him that I actually obey his idiotic commands just to stop myself from murdering his plumber hide and losing a chance at a million bucks," said Bowser bluntly.

Mario raised his eyebrows apprehensively.

"Mario pushes me when necessary, and he's a great asset to the team!" recited Bowser nervously, sweating.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__3__rd__ to Depart, 3:12am_

"Make your way to New Pork City in the Nowhere Islands, and find Lucas' Lemonade Stand, where you will find your next clue!" read Ike. Um, I mean Bowser. Copy and paste, you say? No! Mewtwo actually said it.

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff got into the third spaceship.

"Luckily, Mewtwo promised me he was going to try and improve his attitude!" grinned Jigglypuff.

"So, where do you guys want to go?" asked Espio the Chameleon.

"Didn't you **just hear us?!**" asked Mewtwo loudly. "I mean, I know Team Chaotix are stupid, but come on! Do your job!"

"Yeah!" agreed Jigglypuff. "Take us to the Nowhere Islands, you stupid ninja jerk!"

Jigglypuff turned back to the camera.

"Okay, so Mewtwo couldn't control his temper, but at least I'm still nice to people!" smiled Jigglypuff.

Espio leapt out of his chair and threw a kunai at Jigglypuff, hitting a spot on the chair right next to her.

"Thanks Chaotix man!" smiled Jigglypuff, putting the kunai in her backpack.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__4__th__ to Depart, 3:52am_

"Like, we have 160 dollars for this leg of the race!" smiled Ganondorf, counting the money.

"Let the bodies hit the floor..." muttered Roy, head-banging to his mp3 player.

"Roy, we're like, not allowed that on the race!" cried Ganondorf. "And why aren't you speaking like a pirate?"

"Nyarrgh, I'm being written to freaking barrrckground music now as a gimmick," n'yaaarghed Roy sadly, removing his earphones.

"Anyway, shouldn't we like, say something to the cameras?" asked Ganondorf.

Roy pointed right at the cameraman.

"One, nothing wrong with me, two, nothing wrong with me, three, nothing wrong with me, four, nothing wrong with me!" screamed Roy.

"Like, I'll do it," sighed Ganondorf. "Everyone else is showing weakness and stuff, but Roy and I are getting stronger!"

Roy and Ganondorf got into the fourth spaceship silently.

_Marth and Fox  
__5__th__ to Depart, 4:02am_

"Make your way to New Pork City in the Nowhere Islands, and find Lucas' Lemonade Stand, where you will find your next clue!" read Ike. Um, I mean Bowser. Copy and paste, you say? No! Mewtwo actually said it. Okay, it was Fox. Happy now?

"Dude, we've made some slight mistakes, but we think we can redeem ourselves!" grinned Marth confidently.

"We've been spying on the other teams, and man, Mewtwo might be a tough guy, but Jigglypuff's totally gonna hold him back to wait for Ike," revealed Fox evilly, pulling out a bad drawing of a balloon hugging a Japanese stranger while a cat watched. The drawing was labeled "buy Marf, age teh one aftur 20"

"And we can use that to our advantage, dude!" cheered Marth.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Like, our pilot is six years old," said Ganondorf, pointing at Charmy Bee, who was playing around in the cockpit.

Roy hummed the Hyrule Field theme.

Ganondorf hit Roy.

"N'yarr, I hope the bee be knowing where he be going," said Roy ominously.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"And Roy and Ganondorf!" laughed Marth. "They're a weak team, man! Eventually the whole clueless ditz act Ganondorf's puttin' on will get to Roy, or the pirate act will get to Ganondorf, and they'll wipe each other out!"

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Here we are!" smiled Charmy. "The Nowhere Islands!"

"Like, this is still deep space," replied Ganondorf, looking out of the window.

"Get it?" asked Charmy. "I took you _nowhere!_"

Roy took out his pirate hook, and threw it at Charmy. Taking the hint, Charmy began to properly do his job.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

Marth perused the clue. "Hey, Fox, dude look. New Pork City, it's like New York City!"

"Yeah man, I know," replied Fox.

The frats tried their hardest to hold in their laughter.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Like, I'm not sure if I like you more as a pirate or as a human radio..." sighed Ganondorf, looking at Roy intently.

"HEY MAN, LOOK AT ME ROCKIN' NOW, I'M ON THE RADIOOOO!" screamed Roy at the top of his lungs.

Ganondorf welded his ears shut. "Totally don't ever do that again!" he whined.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Now I like those Kirby and Ness dudes," said Fox matter-of-factly. "They're fun guys,"

"But they're obviously not enjoying themselves, man," added Marth. "They might just give up,"

_Kirby and Ness  
__Last to Depart, 4:03am_

Kirby and Ness finished reading their clue, and hopped into the final spaceship. Ness looked reasonably happy, but as the frats predicted, Kirby looked like he wasn't enjoying himself.

"This race was fun at first," said Kirby flatly. "But since Aether, we've been dead-weights, and it's getting to me,"

"We've now been second-last twice in a row," remembered Ness. "And to place like that after being first is even more humiliating, but it can only go uphill, right?"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Now Mario and Bowser are a tougher team than we thought they were at first, man," reasoned Fox. "After we owned them all the time in leg one, we thought they'd be pushovers,"



"We were wrong," admitted Marth.

_New Pork City  
__Lucas' Lemonade Stand_

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Okay! Here we are at the stand!" declared Ike. "Now let's-holy crap..."

Being in New Pork City, the lemonade stand was the size of an average shopping mall.

"No problem," said Pit, sounding unsure of himself. "We'll find the clue. We'll get it before the other teams get here."

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Some of the other teams got there. Mario and Bowser arrived, followed by Mewtwo and Jigglypuff.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Well, evidently Lucas is a freaking millionaire," said Mewtwo calmly.

"Use your freaky powers!" suggested Jigglypuff.

"Well, it's worked in the past that one time," remembered Mewtwo. He focused all his psychic energy on Lucas.

_Where...are you?_

_Nothing._

"Dammit!" cursed Mewtwo. "Lucas is psychic too! I can't get him!"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Ike and Pit," continued Marth. "Those dudes could definitely give us trouble, man. They're as physically fit as we are, but their luck is much better. We've got to watch out for them, dude..."

"Now that that's out of the way, let's run our own race, dude!" proposed Fox.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Ike and Pit continued looking.

"Does Lucas own the rights to freaking lemonade now or something?!" grunted Pit angrily.



Lucas read Pit's mind from far away, and applied for a trademark.

"We're losing our lead, and fast," finished Pit.

* * *

So this leg I decided to do something a little different for the filler spaces. Again.

**I'm** gonna talk to you guys.

Hey. How's it going?

I'm good, I guess.

So how are you doing?

This seemed like a better idea in my head.

Actually, no. No it didn't. I just couldn't think of any ads or PSAs to put in, sorry.

I guess something interesting should happen.

You wanna marry me? How's that for interesting?! Ha-cha.

No, I'm serious.

Bought the rings and everything. Now every single one of you has to marry me.

...Sucks to be you, I mean, it's _me._ You'd all probably kill yourselves straight away.

On with the leg then. This wasn't awkward.

* * *

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"We're so stupid right now..." lamented Pit.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mario and Bowser ran through the congested lemonade stand, and asked the receptionist, "Where's Lucas-a?!"

"I'm sorry, you've reached floor five: Vegetables and Other Groceries!" smiled the receptionist.

Bowser saw some nuclear radiation leaking out of a pipe somehow.

"You do know that's not a grocery, right?" asked Bowser.

The receptionist was attacked by killer tomatoes.

"What a silly, silly reference," said Bowser.

"Word-a," replied Mario. They walked off.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"There's Lucas!" cried Ike, relieved.

"Welcome to Lucas' Lemonade Stand!" smiled Lucas. "Can I interest you in my lemonade?"

"No, go kill yourself," replied Pit quickly, opening the clue. "Make your way to Tatsumairi Village and find the ocean!"

"_Teams must now travel by train to Tatsumairi Village, famous for appearing before one of the most screwed up Mother 3 moments!" announced Crazy Hand, looking delighted at the thought. "Once there, teams must find the ocean, and their next clue!"_

Ike and Pit hailed a cab and hopped in.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Bowser-a, I just saw Ike and Pit leave-a!" cried Mario. "The clue must-a be somewhere near there!"

"Good eye," replied Bowser. "But that methodology didn't work out last leg,"

Mario had went to Lucas while Bowser was talking, and he returned with a clue.

"Alright, fine..." sighed Bowser, after reading the clue. "We need a cab now!"

Mario jumped out of the window and landed in a cab.

Bowser reluctantly followed.

"You can take us to the train station, right?" asked Bowser.

Duster, the cab driver, nodded.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Mewtwo rubbed his temple.

"Lucas is over there," said Mewtwo confidently, gliding over to Lucas' stand.

Jigglypuff was already there.

"Damn," sighed Mewtwo resignedly. He read the clue. "Okay, I know where that is, I used my powers of translation to play Mother 3,"

"Good," smiled Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo turned to Lucas. "By the way, kid, in your face! In your face for all the crap you dealt with in Mother 3!"



Lucas burst into tears.

"That felt good," admitted Mewtwo.

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff ran outside and found a cab.

"WE NEED A CHOO-CHOO TRAIN!" shouted Jigglypuff loudly and slowly to Kumatora, the cab driver.

"I speak English," replied Kumatora, frowning.

"No you don't," denied Jigglypuff.

"And trains haven't went choo-choo for years," continued Kumatora. "Now because of electricity, it's more of a gliding noise,"

"Well that's just sad!" cried Jigglypuff, burying her face in her hands.

Mewtwo bashed his head against the door of the cab immediately after Jigglypuff began crying.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Our love is made of steel, last us till the end of tiiiiiiiime..." warbled Roy.

"Like, just find the kid!" squealed Ganondorf.

"Yarr, fine..." sighed Roy.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Look for Lucas, dude!" cried Fox, leaping into the 20-storey lemonade stand.

"I know it, man!" replied Marth. "Say, did we switch?"

"What?" asked Fox.

"I was usually the one who said dude, and you said man, dude," replied Marth.

Fox pondered this.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Yarr, Fox be pondering!" cried Roy. "Thar the kid blows!"

Ganondorf squealed with joy, and he and Roy picked up the clue and left.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Right, no screw-ups, we could still gain some time, just gotta find Ness," said Kirby.

"YEAH! Wait, no, I'm Ness," replied Ness.

"You are?" asked Kirby.

While Kirby and Ness debated the latter's identity, Marth and Fox took the clue and left.

"I'm tired, I'm angry and I'm last, frat boys!" Kirby shouted, shaking his fist at Marth and Fox.

Ness ran over to Lucas, punched him in the face, broke something that may have been a neck, and returned with the clue.

"After them!" cried Ness.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"And there's the train station, aaaaand..." said Ike dramatically, running over to the ticket desk.

"Hours of operation: One minute before we arrived until several hours from now?!" screamed Pit, infuriated.

"Ooooh, buuuurn," replied Ike. Pit glared at him. "Sorry..."

Mario and Bowser arrived, followed by the Pokemon.

"Oh great, we're bunched up?" asked Mewtwo incredulously. He took out a stress ball and squeezed it with his mind.

"Um, Mewtwo?" said Bowser. "That's not a stress ball, it's a pink snooker ball painted to resemble Jigglypuff."

Mewtwo replied, "Actually, no, it's a cloud of pink dust,"

"What?" asked Bowser.

Mewtwo crushed the ball.

"Ahh," understood Bowser.

(insert IkeXJigglypuff scene here)

The other teams arrived.

"So dudes, we're riding in third class," said Marth. "It's in fine print at the bottom of our clues,"

"All of us are bunched together?" asked Kirby. "That's excellent!"

"But what will we do now?" asked Ness.



"Oh, I know!" smiled Ike, breaking apart from Jigglypuff. "Let's whine about each other in interviews!"

_Pit_

"I don't think Mewtwo likes Ike as much as he did before he started going out with Jigglypuff," said Pit.

_Mewtwo_

"Jigglypuff can date whoever she wants," said Mewtwo indifferently. "But she needs to remember we're in a race right now, and she'll have to contain herself,"

_Ike_

"I don't get why Mewtwo has such a problem with my love for Jigs," admitted Ike. "Maybe he has a crush on her or something like that. Well, I got there first, so it's only fair, right?"

_Jigglypuff_

"I like Ike a whole lot!" smiled Jigglypuff. She stared at the camera.

"Anything else?" asked the cameraman.

...

Jigglypuff stared at the camera.

_Bowser_

"Me and Mario disagree on just about anything!" complained Bowser. "He's an arrogant, unpleasant excuse for a human being and I just want him dead so badly!"

_Mario_

"Bowser-a sucks,"

Bowser burst into the small room where Mario was giving an interview, and roared furiously.

"Technical difficulties," said the cameraman, hastily putting the lens cap on the camera.

_1__st__ Train to Tatsumairi Village_

Kirby and Ness, ignoring everyone else's whining, stepped into the train.

"Holy crap, it stinks in here," Ness said immediately, lifting his shirt slightly to cover his nose.

"I swear, I'm gonna kill whoever's in this game," threatened Kirby. "No, whoever's in this **franchise.**"

Ness chuckled nervously.

* * *

Okay. Here's the second part of my filler.

I realise I probably came on a little too strong last time. And I apologise.

I'm still you guys' favorite Scot, right?

Wha-WHAT!?

What d'you mean Sean Connery's your favorite?!

FINE THEN! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU! I'LL KILL YOUR FAMILIES AND BURN YOUR STUFF!

JUST READ THE REST OF THE DANG STORY!

* * *

The other teams followed Kirby and Ness onto the train, and were immediately disappointed.

"This is bad, and I hate it," said Bowser blandly.

"This is bad, and I hate it," said Ike blandly.

"This is bad, and I hate it!" cheered Jigglypuff merrily. "But look, Ike and I adopted this adorable little boy!"

Jigglypuff held up Claus' rotting remains.

"Where did you get that corpse?!" asked Mewtwo sharply. "Did you find it in a large suitcase lying somewhere around here?"

"No..." replied Jigglypuff uncertainly.

"Phew," sighed Mewtwo. A lock of blond hair and some glasses fell out of Mewtwo's suitcase.

"Hey Mewtwo, what is that?" asked Jigglypuff.

"Well, it's not _Jeff _if that's what you're implying!" reassured Mewtwo loudly, so that Ness could hear him.

Ness gave Mewtwo a sarcastic thumbs-up.

"Oh, that's good!" smiled Jigglypuff. A black belt fell out of Jigglypuff's suitcase, with a small tag that read, "Property of Poo".

_Several Hours Later  
__1__st__ Train to Tatsumairi Village_

Kirby and Ness woke up first, at around 4am.

"Oh, morning Kirby," said Ness, unpacking some fresh clothes.



"Good morning to you too, Ness!" smiled Kirby brightly. Kirby leaped out of his sleeping bag and took some energy bars out of his backpack. "Would you like something to eat, my friend?"

"Sure..." replied Ness.

Kirby skipped off merrily to gently wake the others.

...

...

"Okay, what the hell was THAT?!" Ness asked himself incredulously. He quickly searched Kirby's sleeping bag, and found a used syringe and an empty bottle.

...

"Oh, of course..." realised Ness.

_5:50am  
__Tatsumairi Village_

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I have travelled far and wide across this wasteland..." sang Roy absent-mindedly, hopping into a cab.

Ganondorf quietly tapped Roy on the shoulder, and pointed at the cab driver.

"Yarr, why be this cab driver crying?" asked Roy obliviously.

The patriotic cab driver sobbed and drove towards the ocean.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Roy-a and Ganondorf already got away, Bowser-a!" yelled Mario. "They're supposed to be weak-a!"

"Not only that, but Kirby and Ness are tailing us!" cried Bowser.

...

"And they look happy!"

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"No more back of the pack finishes for this team!" grinned Kirby confidently.

"I've been waiting to hear you say that!" sniffed Ness emotionally.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Okay dude, we're still ahead of Ike and Pit, and Mewtwo and Jigs," noted Marth, getting into the cab.

"Are they getting into the same cab, man?" asked Fox curiously, glancing back at the two teams.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Ike and Pit  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Our driver sucks!" raged Mewtwo. "And why are we travelling together? I ask you, why?!"

"Oh, that's an easy one!" smiled Pit. "It's because Ike and Jigglypuff are-"

"I know that!" yelled Mewtwo. "But we're in fifth and last, and we're supposed to be the stronger teams!"

"If I recall, on the first leg, you came tenth," said Pit.

Mewtwo foamed at the mouth.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Our driver's great, dude!" smiled Marth. "He knows a shortcut, and we'll get to the ocean in no time!"

"Plus," added Fox. "I just saw Mario and Bowser and Kirby and Ness stop for gas, so we might even get there first, man!"

Marth and Fox's cab was stopped, and a cop walked up to the driver.

"Sir, the speed limit is 40mph here," said the cop. "Licence and registration,"

"What was I doing, officer?" asked the driver.

"140mph," replied the cop.

Fox shot the cop.

"Dude!" cried Marth, shocked.

"Go, go, go!" screamed Fox to the driver.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"I really don't like this idea, Mario," commented Bowser, ripping out one of his own spikes.



"It'll work-a, dammit!" Mario retorted, throwing the spike at Roy and Ganondorf's taxi. "The cardboard-a cut out decoys to fool the frats-a worked!"

Roy and Ganondorf's tyres deflated immediately.

"See-a?" asked Mario, as they passed Roy and Ganondorf. "Now we're first-a!"

"Detour!" read Bowser. "High or Low?"

"_A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" announced Crazy Hand. "In this Detour, teams must choose between High or Low!"_

"_In High, teams must traverse the ocean by way of canoe to this small island which hosted the weirdest Mother 3 scene! Once there, each team member must get high off of these mushrooms and successfully walk in a straight line! After both team members come down, they will receive their next clue! This task is horribly mind-altering and probably illegal and whatever, but balanced teams will complete the task quickly!"_

"_In Low, teams must dive into the ocean, and find their clue in an underwater cove! Once they find the clue, they must return to the surface! However, producers have sneakily painted local fish the same colour as the clues, so teams with bad eyesight may falter!"_

"Let's get high-a!" cheered Mario.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"High, definitely," decided Ness. Kirby fervently nodded.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Duuuude, it's gotta be High!" smiled Marth. Fox nodded, and the frats piled into a canoe immediately.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"WHY?" asked Roy. "Do you like playing around with my narrow scope of reality?!"

"I can't like, take this anymore!" squealed Ganondorf. "I need to get high!"

"Yarr, so be it," replied Roy.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"We got into a canoe first, man," grinned Fox. "So now we're ahead!"

"Mario and Bowser are right behind us, dude," noticed Marth. "Then Roy and Ganondorf, and Kirby and Ness are fourth,"

Fox looked behind them.

"Ha!" laughed Fox. "They can't even paddle right!"

"Because Kirby has stumps for arms?" asked Marth. Fox nodded.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Bowser-a, you're really strong!" complimented Mario, astonished.

"Because of my weight, species, and destructive nature?" asked Bowser, paddling the canoe very quickly.

"Yeah," replied Mario. "Now we're catching-a those frats!"

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"We're havin' a little trouble finding the ocean," revealed Pit nervously.

"Went from first to nearly last..." lamented Ike, looking back at Mewtwo and Jigglypuff.

"We're sitting right behind you, dumbass," said Mewtwo.

...

"Hey guys!" greeted Ike, hugging Jigglypuff.

"Oy vey..." moaned Mewtwo, irritated.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Bowser-a, you're paddling a little too quick-a!" panicked Mario, holding the sides of the canoe as Bowser continued paddling his hardest.

"What's the worst that could happen?" asked Bowser, making one more arm movement.

Bowser's wristwatch fell off of his arm into the ocean, where it was eaten by several small single-celled organisms.

"Heh, mere coincidence!" chuckled Bowser.

The plankton was eaten by a huge fish.

"I'm sure there can't be any more damage!" laughed Bowser.



Bowser reached into the ocean, pulled out the fish, and ate it.

"I'll be careful..." sighed Bowser, realising what he'd done.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Detour! High or Low!" read Pit.

"Oh, High, definitely," said Ike.

Ike and Pit glared directly at the camera.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Dude, Mario and Bowser are gaining on us!" cried Marth.

Mario and Bowser passed Marth and Fox.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEYEAAAAAH!" screamed Bowser, flipping off Marth and Fox with both hands.

"Harsh, dude," said Marth sadly.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Kirby and Ness' canoe grinded to a halt.

"Damn, there's a rock in the ocean and we ran right into it," said Ness, annoyed.

"Don't worry, I'll help!" smiled Kirby cheerfully, sweeping the rock aside.

Ness instinctively cowered, but no beating came.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"We'll get High," decided Jigglypuff. "Everyone else is doing that one anyway,"

"I suppose I can steer the canoe with my mind..." realised Mewtwo.

Mewtwo used his mind and rammed the canoe into a bridge.

"Mewtwo, I could have died!" complained Jigglypuff.

"Sorry, I must be having murderous thoughts, excuse me," apologised Mewtwo.

Mewtwo rammed the bridge into the canoe.

"Quit it!" whined Jigglypuff, bleeding.

Mewtwo killed you.

* * *

There. I just had you killed in my story. That sure taught you a lesson, punk.

Chyeah, I bet you're emotionally distraught over having fictionally died. I would be.

But I'm not, because I'm still alive and you're dead. Ha ha ha.

Wait, I didn't want you dead.

Crap.

Remember the days when my filler sections were funny and involved actual characters? Those were the days.

Shut up and read my story, fool.

* * *

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Mario and Bowser arrived at the island, and saw the small mushrooms growing on a nearby hill.

"Get those-a shrooms!" cried Mario, picking up Bowser and throwing him at the mushrooms.

Bowser took a mushroom, but to no effect due to his thickness and resilient bloodstream and stuff.

"Easy Detour," remarked Bowser, walking in a straight line.

Mario took a mushroom.

"I do this-a all the time, Francine the dancing-a gopher!" smiled Mario awkwardly, his eyes staring in different directions. Mario also walked in a passable line.

"Okay, let's see, make your way back to New Pork City," read Bowser. "Great..."

"_Teams must now make their way back to New Pork City, and find this creature: the Ultimate Chimaera!" declared Crazy Hand. "Once they find the Chimaera, they will find their next clue!"_

Mario came down rather quickly due to experience with mushrooms.

"Let's-a go!" cried Mario.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Duuuuuuuude, I'm totally trippin'..." sighed Marth blissfully.

"I know, right?" nodded Fox dreamily. Marth and Fox skipped along arm-in-arm in a straight line into a tree, knocking them out of the influence.

...

...

"Get Mario and Bowser, man!" cried Fox.

"Dude, it's back to New Pork City!" called Marth.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Roy gleefully smiled right after taking the mushrooms.

"I think we're goin' somewhere, we're on to something good here..." mumbled Roy vaguely.

Ganondorf, also high, punched Roy.

"Like, this is totally cool!" cheered Ganondorf preppishly.

Roy limped in a straight line, Ganondorf following him.

"I just stalked you, pirate man!" giggled Ganondorf girlishly.

"Yarrgh, tis true," weeped Roy, coming down.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Ness staggered in a passable line, whilst Kirby was already high and was walking just fine.

"I can't remember feeling so alive!" chuckled Kirby, watching the scenery.

Ness threw up in a bush.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"So I agreed to let Mario handle the rowing back," revealed Bowser. "Because this time he knows where we're going since we were there earlier,"

"Yes-a...that's why..." nodded Mario tensely, putting away his gun.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

High like the others had been, Ike and Pit chuckled merrily to each other, eventually walking in a straight line.

"Hey, Pitpitpitpitpit!" said Ike quickly. "Let's wait for...let's wait for the other purple,"



Pit gave a high, falsetto laugh. "You said other purple!"

Ike gave a high falsetto laugh.

Mewtwo arrived on the island, Jigglypuff in tow.

"We're the last two teams, you ingrates!" raged Mewtwo.

"I love you too, Jiggles!" cheered Ike, giving Mewtwo a hug.

"Unacceptable!" roared Mewtwo. Ike fell asleep, still holding him.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Marth and Fox hopped out of the canoe and back into their cab to pursue Mario and Bowser to New Pork City.

"Okay, cab driver, don't speed this time," advised Fox. "I don't want to have to shoot more cops, man,"

"I could stab some, dude," said Marth helpfully, brandishing his sword.

"Marth, shut up, man," replied Fox. "We don't want to get in jail."

"Oh, so you can kill people but I can't, dude?" asked Marth angrily.

Fox gritted his teeth.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Like, I bet Kirby and Ness are all depressed again," smirked Ganondorf. "So we can beat them!"

Kirby and Ness drove alongside Roy and Ganondorf, Kirby smiling cheerfully.

"What the like, hell was that?!" asked Ganondorf incredulously.

"Arr, they be still high, perhaps?" wondered Roy.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in Last Place_

Ike woke up, to find that Mewtwo had taken Jigglypuff and left himself and Pit in the cab.

"Hey, you're awake!" realised Pit. "Mewtwo and your girlfriend left!"

Ike saw Mewtwo and Jigglypuff in a different cab ahead of them.

"They must be letting us follow them because they know where we're going!" cheered Ike.



Pit smacked Ike across the face with a wooden plank.

"No, dammit! Mewtwo's obviously trying to get us eliminated!" cried Pit. "And I know why!"

"You do?" asked Ike, rubbing his bruise.

"Of course!" nodded Pit. "It's because he's a jerk!"

Ike gasped. "No way!"

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Mario and Bowser ran to the Ultimate Chimaera, and took a clue dangling from its neck.

"Road Block!" read Mario. "Who's-a the tamer member of the team-a?"

"_A Road Block is a task only one person can perform!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Road Block, that person must successfully pin a Franklin Badge to the Ultimate Chimaera they received the clue from! Once they complete this task, Flint will give them their next clue!"_

"I'm-a the tame one!" declared Mario.

Bowser opened his mouth to object, and Mario punched him in the stomach.

"Screw-a you, I'm tame!" yelled Mario, stabbing the Ultimate Chimaera in the face with a Franklin Badge.

"'Course you are..." sighed Bowser, watching Mario burn alive.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"I have a way with animals, man," smirked Fox. Marth still had his arms crossed in a pouty fashion.

"Because you are one, dude..." said Marth flatly.

"Exactly!" smiled Fox. He offered the badge to the Ultimate Chimaera like a toy.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Cause every night I will lay awake, and I dream of an absolution!" screamed Roy at the top of his voice.

Ganondorf mopped his bleeding ears with the clue, and began to read. "Like, it's a Road Block! Roy, you do it! I don't want to get all dead!"

"Arr, your wish be my command," sighed Roy, massaging his throat.

_Mario  
__On Road Block_

The Ultimate Chimaera, ignoring Fox's offering, continued to bite at Mario, until Mario noticed the badge was still on the Chimaera's face.

"I did it-a!" cheered Mario. "I pinned a badge-a on it!"

Flint walked over.

"Now I understand this beast gave you a hard time?" asked Flint.

"Well, yeah-a, but I did the Road-a Block!" smiled Mario. "Now gimme my clue-a!"

"Very well..." said Flint, lowering the rim of his hat mysteriously as a tumbleweed rolled by.

"Make-a your way to the next pit stop-a, the Hall-a of Memories!" read Mario. "The last-a team to check in, may be eliminated!"

"_Teams must now make their way to the Hall of Memories, where Lucas fought both Claus and Porky at the climax of his adventure!" said Crazy Hand. "This tower, the tallest in New Pork City, is the pit stop for this leg of the race! The last team to check in may be eliminated!"_

_Fox  
__On Road Block_

While Flint tamed the Chimaera, Fox snuck over and stuck a second badge to the Chimaera's leg.

"Hey, punk, what do you think you're doing?" asked Flint angrily.

Fox pointed to the badge.

Flint gave Fox the clue, sighing resignedly.

"Pit stop! Come on Marth, man!" cried Fox, getting back into the cab.

Mario and Bowser drove past, laughing hysterically.

_Roy  
__On Road Block_

"Like Roy, put it on his back!" yelled Ganondorf.

"Pushing little children, with their fully automatics..." muttered Roy under his breath, attempting to place the badge.

The Chimaera bit Roy in the leg, and Roy retaliated by stabbing the Chimaera in the eye with the third badge.

"Yarr, I did it!" cheered Roy.

Flint handed Roy the clue.

Roy passed out due to blood loss.

"Let's like, go!" squealed Ganondorf, dragging Roy into the cab.

_Kirby  
__On Road Block_

"Don't worry friend, I'll take this Road Block challenge," smiled Kirby. Ness hesitantly stepped back.

The Ultimate Chimeara snarled at Kirby, but Kirby gracefully leaped around it, managing to quickly place a badge upon its back.

"The badge is a token of my love for all living beings," Kirby smiled pleasantly, receiving the clue from Flint.

Ness pinched himself.

"No, he really is happy..." Ness told himself.

"Ness, how delightful!" cheered Kirby. "It's a pit stop!"

Kirby and Ness got back into their cab.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Oh, uh, I guess I'll do it," said Pit. "I'm more nimble than you, I suppose,"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

Without a word, Mewtwo stormed over to the Chimaera.

_Pit  
__On Road Block_

"This task seems pretty easy..." muttered Pit, duct-taping a Franklin Badge to an arrow. He fired it at the Chimaera, and got the badge on its side.

Pit got the clue.

_Mewtwo  
__On Road Block_

Mewtwo picked the Ultimate Chimaera up with his mind, and impaled it on the point of his badge. The Chimaera died.

...

Mewtwo got the clue.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I can't-a believe we're about to finally beat the frats-a right in front of them-a!" grinned Mario. "This makes-a up for the first leg-a!"

"Yeah, I know!" agreed Bowser, running up some stairs. He winced slightly.

"What's-a wrong?" asked Mario.

"Remember back when I ripped out one of my own spikes?" asked Bowser through gritted teeth.

"Yeah..." nodded Mario.

"Well, the whole blood loss thing is catchin' up with me..." grunted Bowser.

Bowser passed out and fell down the entire flight of stairs.

Mario cursed rapidly in Italian.

"Hey, Mario!" smiled Fox, running past Mario.

"'sup, dude?" asked Marth, running past Mario.

Mario burst into tears.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Marth and Fox threw themselves through the double doors at the top of the stairway, and landed on the pit stop.

"Marth and Fox, you are team number one!" greeted Crazy Hand.

"Tubular, dude!" cheered Marth, hi-fiving Fox.

"Awesome job!" grinned Fox.

Mario burst into the room, dragging Bowser's unconscious body. Mario's face was streaked in tears, sweat, and Bowser's blood. They flopped uselessly onto the mat.

"Mario and Bowser, you're team number two!" said Crazy Hand.

"Hey, looks like we beat you again, huh dudes?" asked Marth.

"It's just like old times!" laughed Fox.

Mario glared at the frats.

"Not-a funny...get eliminated...now-a..." panted Mario weakly.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Roy stepped onto the pit stop, still singing under his breath with Ganondorf in tow.

"Like, shut up while we learn how we did!" whined Ganondorf.

"Roy and Ganondorf, you're team number three!" awarded Crazy Hand.

"Great!" smiled Ganondorf. "Oh, and-"

Ganondorf violently ripped the headphones out of Roy's ears, and fried his mp3 player into oblivion using his dark magic.

"Arr, that was uncharrrracteristally harrrrsh," said Roy sadly.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Kirby skipped up the stairs merrily holding Ness' hand, and they landed on the pit stop.

"Whoa..." said Crazy Hand, visibly surprised. "Kirby and Ness, you're team number four..."

"Thank you, Crazy Hand!" grinned Kirby.

"He's high," explained Ness.

"That'd warrant a penal-" began Crazy Hand. Ness took out a syringe and stabbed Crazy Hand, the latter of whom began laughing.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"We might've lost the race, but at least I can end it with my wonderful boyfriend..." simpered Jigglypuff.

"Uh, noooo...if we lose, Ike keeps on racing," Mewtwo told her. "Without you."

"What if we don't lose?" asked Jigglypuff.

"Let's find out," said Mewtwo. Mewtwo used his mind to kick Ike in the shins several times. Ike fell over on the ground, writhing in pain.

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff stepped onto the mat.

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you're team number five!" said Crazy Hand.

Ike crawled onto the mat, with Pit looking somewhat amused next to him.

"Ike and Pit, you're the last team to arrive," revealed Crazy Hand. "I'm..."

"Damn," coughed Ike.



"Fixed, rigged!" declared Pit.

"...happy to tell you that this is a non-elimination leg, and you're both still in the race," finished Crazy Hand. "However, on the next leg of the race you will encounter a Speed Bump. A Speed Bump is an extra task only you will have to complete, while the other teams keep on racing. Good luck."

"I guess our performance this leg wasn't too good because Ike and Jigglypuff insisted on being around each other," admitted Pit.

"I know it annoyed you and Mewtwo!" said Jigglypuff cheerfully. "Sorry!"

She smiled cutely at Pit.

"Aww, isn't she great?" asked Ike, hugging Jigglypuff.

"I hate all of you," said Mewtwo in a fatherly tone.

Everyone chuckled merrily.

* * *

Arrival Times!

Marth and Fox: 8:55am

Mario and Bowser: 8:56am

Roy and Ganondorf: 9:00am

Kirby and Ness: 9:08am

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff: 9:22am

Ike and Pit: 9:23am – SPEED BUMP'D

* * *

"Next time, on the Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" previewed Crazy Hand. "Mario tries to sabotage Ike and Pit!"

"_Yeah-a, uh the flight's over-a-" Mario pondered, before pointing to a random kiosk, "There."_

"Ness finds himself in a dilemma!"

"_Drugs!" cried Ness. "Where are the rest of Kirby's drugs?!"_

"And Roy and Ganondorf have a little trouble!"

_Roy and Ganondorf stepped out of the car._

"_Now just come quietly," said the police officer._

"_You couldn't have like, left the parrot alone?" Ganondorf scolded Roy._

* * *

Sorry it's been so long! Enjoy!


	7. Relationships Fall In Mushroom Kingdom!

Stop, or I'll shoot! The seventh leg is upon y'alls, and I hear this is better than being kicked in the face. So read it! Now. No, NOW.

* * *

"Previously on the Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" grinned Crazy Hand, floating around pompously. "Six teams left the Space Colony ARK, and travelled to New Pork City in the Nowhere Islands!"

"Marth and Fox got into trouble with locals!

_Fox shot the cop._

"_Dude!" cried Marth, shocked._

"_Go, go, go!" screamed Fox to the driver._

"And Mario deviously tried to delay the other teams!"

"_I really don't like this idea, Mario," commented Bowser, ripping out one of his own spikes._

"_It'll work-a, dammit!" Mario retorted, throwing the spike at Roy and Ganondorf's taxi. "The cardboard-a cut out decoys to fool the frats-a worked!"_

"Meanwhile, Jigglypuff continued her one-dimensional relationship with Ike!"

"_Hey guys!" greeted Ike, hugging Jigglypuff._

"_Oy vey..." moaned Mewtwo, irritated._

"Mario and Bowser consistently tried to one-up Marth and Fox!"

_Mario and Bowser passed Marth and Fox._

"_EEEEEEEEEEEEEYEAAAAAH!" screamed Bowser, flipping off Marth and Fox with both hands._

"But in the end, Mario's plans to delay other teams backfired!"

"_Well, the whole blood loss thing is catchin' up with me..." grunted Bowser._

_Bowser passed out and fell down the entire flight of stairs._

_Mario cursed rapidly in Italian._

"_Hey, Mario!" smiled Fox, running past Mario._

"'_sup, dude?" asked Marth, running past Mario._

_Mario burst into tears._

"And the frats took first place! Mewtwo and Jigglypuff managed to edge out Ike and Pit at the last second..."

"_Let's find out," said Mewtwo. Mewtwo used his mind to kick Ike in the shins several times. Ike fell over on the ground, writhing in pain._

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff stepped onto the mat._

"_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you're team number five!" said Crazy Hand._

"But Ike and Pit were given a reprieve – at a cost!"

"_However, on the next leg of the race you will encounter a Speed Bump. A Speed Bump is an extra task only you will have to complete, while the other teams keep on racing. Good luck."_

"Six teams remain, who will be eliminated next?"

* * *

The Teams! (with stereotype labels!)

Marth/Fox (Frats: Alcoholism and duuuuuuuude overuse?)

Mario/Bowser (Mario/Bowser)

Roy/Ganondorf (Schizos: Unfitting personality quirks a-go-go!)

Kirby/Ness (Druggie and Dealer: Personality u-turns at the blink of a syringe!)

Mewtwo/Jigglypuff (Pokemon: That one cool one and that one cute one!)

Ike/Pit (Boyfriends: they're both muscular Japanese-looking guys with colourful hair, so they're obviously gay together)

* * *

Crazy Hand floated around the Hall of Memories casually.

"This is the Hall of Memories, site of Lucas' final battle with Porky, and emotional battle with Claus!" said Crazy Hand. "And this climactic location was the sixth pit stop in a race around the world! Teams arrived here at the end of the last leg for a mandatory rest period, where they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams!"

Crazy Hand looked back at the Absolutely Safe Capsule with Porky inside, and saw a variety of fresh graffiti on it, ranging from "Thanks for all the racing memories, TBSAR 08 – Kirby" to "I went here when Bowser was in the can, dude – Marth".

"Will Marth and Fox and Mario and Bowser continue their rivalry? Can Ike and Pit overcome their Speed Bump? And will anything in the previews actually happen?" wondered Crazy Hand.

"Marth and Fox, who were first to arrive at 8:55am, will depart at 8:55pm!" ended Crazy Hand.

* * *

_Marth and Fox  
__1__st__ to Depart, 8:55pm_

"Okay dude, it's time to see where we're going next!" grinned Marth, staring at the camera.

"Golly gee Marth, I think you should look in that clue envelope!" grinned Fox creepily, staring at the camera.

"I bet it has a clue in it, dude!" grinned Marth, staring at the camera.

"Let's see!" grinned Fox, staring at the camera.

Marth opened the clue.

"Make your way to Peach's Castle in the Mushroom Kingdom!" read Marth.

"_Teams must now make their way to the Mushroom Kingdom, and find Peach's Castle!" repeated Crazy Hand. "Once there, they must enter a painting that will take them to Bob-omb Battlefield, where they must find King Bob-omb, who will give them their next clue!"_

Marth and Fox left the Hall of Memories, and hailed a cab.

"We're going to the airport, man," Fox told the cab driver.

"A-are you Fox McCloud?" asked the cab driver, scared.

"Yeah man, why?" replied Fox.

"I heard you kill cops!" whimpered the cab driver.

Fox rolled his eyes.

"I've got this one, dude," sighed Marth, impaling the cab driver's hand on the edge of the steering wheel. "Now drive,"

The cab driver whimpered and took Marth and Fox to the airport.

_Fox_

"Marth and I had been waiting a while to be team number one, man," revealed Fox in an interview. "And we're pretty sure we can beat the other teams, provided we don't come out the wrong end of another mega bunch,"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

The frats arrived at the airport.

"Dude, aren't we only like one minute ahead of Mario and Bowser?" pondered Marth. "How did we do so much in one minute?"

Marth and Fox looked around and noticed that the airport was around the corner from the pit stop.

"My wallet hurts, man," replied Fox.

Marth checked the flights available.

"Okay dude, there's one through Isle Delfino, and there's one through Yoshi's Island," Marth told Fox.

"The quickest one, man," replied Fox. "We need to own these guys,"

_Mario and Bowser  
__2__nd__ to Depart, 8:56pm_

"You have a coin-a for this leg of-a the race?!" asked Mario sceptically, holding up their small coin.

"Budget cut," coughed Crazy Hand quickly.

"At least we're headed to familiar turf," rationed Bowser, shaking his head.

_Bowser_

"Mario and I have a lot of ups and downs, but we seem to be the team who gets in the least trouble," voiced over Bowser. "Even though we've been through hell with each other, I can't remember ever being seriously in the back of the pack,"

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mario and Bowser walked out of the Hall of Memories idly.

"It's-a good thing we get-a to leave this big city!" cheered Mario.

"Why's that?" asked Bowser.

"Well, it's just-a...I get a bad vibe from this-a place!" revealed Mario.

"No, that's because the frats are still ahead of us," replied Bowser.

"Oh-a," said Mario.

...

...

"Get-a them!" cried Mario.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__3__rd__ to Depart, 9:00pm_

"Like, Roy and I are gonna get ahead by doing what we've always been doing!" cheered Ganondorf. "We've always run the race fairly under the radar, and apart from the second leg, we've been working mainly by ourselves!"

"Arr..." agreed Roy, rubbing his eyes.

"Whoa, like Roy! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night!" gasped Ganondorf.

"Arr, I was up all night burrrrying me mp3 playarr..." sighed Roy wistfully.

"Yeah, like, sorry about that," said Ganondorf sheepishly.

"Yarr, tis a good thing I have an iPod!" grinned Roy.

Ganondorf's jaw dropped.

...

...

"Come back, we've been waiting here for you..." mumbled Roy, humming.

Ganondorf cried.

_Kirby and Ness  
__4__th__ to Depart, 9:06pm_

"The first few legs of the race were really stressful for us, being back of the pack most of the time," explained Ness. "But thanks to drugs, we're now happy and doing good!"

"In fact, we've even managed to make friends with the other teams!" grinned Kirby.

"Look at us, we're growing!" cheered Ness.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Okay, looks like we only need to run to the airport," noticed Bowser, checking a town map.

Roy and Ganondorf overheard Bowser, and began running after them.

"Damn-a!" cried Mario. "This is the problem-a with the top four teams-a only eleven minutes apart-a!"

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"What could we possibly do in the Mushroom Kingdom with only one coin?" wondered Ness insightfully.

"We're pretty good money-wise!" laughed Kirby, pulling out a wallet full of vast riches. "Curiosity over concern, my dear friend!"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Okay dude, our flight through Isle Delfino leaves at 10pm!" said Marth, handing Fox a ticket.



"Ain't nothing gonna stop us, man!" grinned Fox confidently.

Mario and Bowser, Roy and Ganondorf, and Kirby and Ness all ran into the airport as a collective crowd.

"Damn, dude," lamented Marth.

"It's okay man, we don't have to worry about these chumps," said Fox loudly and pointedly.

The frats strutted smarmily towards their plane.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Friends, it would appear that the Isle Delfino connecting flight is no longer boarding," said Kirby, checking the flight board.

"Yeah, the only other good one is a Yoshi's Island flight," revealed Ness.

"Like, thanks for letting us know," said Ganondorf sadly, as Roy nodded in agreement.

Bowser opened his mouth to thank Kirby and Ness too, but Mario cut across him.

"Friends-a? Screw you guys-a, I haven't forgotten you stealing-a our leg win back in Johto-a!" fumed Mario.

Kirby and Ness chuckled heartily and walked away.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__5__th__ to Depart, 9:22pm_

"I think Mewtwo and I are both very strong-minded!" smiled Jigglypuff pointlessly.

"Yeah, but I'm more strong minded on account of the fact that I **kill people on my own teams with my mind," **hinted Mewtwo threateningly.

"Mewtwo, you silly!" smiled Jigglypuff. "Nobody on any of your teams has ever died!"

"Pichu's dead," remembered Mewtwo.

"That was suicide," said Jigglypuff.

"Falco's dead," remembered Mewtwo.

"That was a PSA!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"What about Ness, he's dead!" yelled Mewtwo.

"Isn't he with Kirby?" asked Jigglypuff.



"Not for long!" laughed Mewtwo maniacally, pushing a button on a sinister, mine-detonating-looking button.

_Lucas' Lemonade Stand_

Lucas exploded into a million pieces.

_New Pork City Airport_

"The only flight to the Mushroom Kingdom was like, through Yoshi's Island or whatever, and it's full," revealed Ganondorf sadly.

"We're never gonna quit, ain't nothing wrong with it, just actin' like we're-" began Roy, before Ganondorf hit him with his handbag.

"You know," said the ticket agent. "There are other airports...there's one in Fourside you could use, let me just get you a flight there..."

"Like, great!" cheered Ganondorf. "Hey, Kirby! Ness! Look at this!"

Kirby and Ness followed them, and the two teams booked tickets to Fourside.

"Not so fast-a!" laughed Mario, jumping out of Ness' suitcase with a groaning Bowser. "We're coming-a too! We won't be left-a behind!"

The doors of the airport flew open, and Mewtwo charged in with Jigglypuff playing ominous Vaudeville villain (!) music on an organ behind him.

"Ness!" stormed Mewtwo. "Why aren't you dead yet?"

"...Because I'm just a kid?" asked Ness nervously.

"I see..." mused Mewtwo. "Evidently, I shall have to kill you _myself..._"

Mewtwo drew a small blade from his trenchcoat and caressed it lovingly.

"Like, think we should wait for Ike and Pit?" asked Ganondorf.

Jigglypuff nodded fervently, but Mewtwo used his psychic powers to block the airport doors with the organ.

"So...Fourside it is!" said Bowser hastily. The four teams all made their way to the plane, Mewtwo still staring evilly at Ness.

_Ike and Pit  
__Last to Depart, 9:23pm_

"We have a coin for this leg of the race?!" read Pit, confused.

"It's not even the same currency we've been using the rest of the race!" said Ike angrily. "We've got to survive a tough leg, at the back of the pack **with **a Speed Bump coming up, surrounded by bombs, 

with a homicidal psychic Pokemon wanting to kill both of us, drugged up losers, a whiny Italian and his turtle slave, a pirate, a dark wizard teenage girl stereotype, and dullard frat boys breathing down our necks, with only one freaking coin?!"

"We've still got the money we didn't use in past legs-" began Pit.

"All the adversity comes towards us! Nobody else has to deal with this much crap!" shouted Ike.

"We were always at the front of the pack before last leg-" began Pit.

"There better be a huge bunch of teams at the airport..." fumed Ike, leaving the Hall of Memories.

Ike and Pit walked around the corner to the airport, where they saw that the door was blocked by a huge organ.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" shouted Ike. "That doesn't even make sense!"

"You can take a train to Fourside," advised a local. "Not as fast as flying there, but there's a great airport in Fourside,"

"That sounds good, Ike," said Pit, thanking the local. "Let's go,"

"Stop being unreasonable, dammit!" smiled Ike, overjoyed, hugging the local violently.

Pit sighed.

_Fourside Airport_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff got out of the plane first, and ran over to a flight attendant.

"Can we get a flight to the Mushroom Kingdom?" asked Jigglypuff.

"All flights to the Mushroom Kingdom are overbooked," replied the attendant.

"Damn!" yelled Mewtwo. "Why's it so hard to get to the Mushroom Kingdom?!"

"Because it's the home of Nintendo's biggest star?" asked the attendant cautiously.

Mewtwo's eye twitched.

"STAR THIS!" raged Mewtwo, throwing the attendant into the fiery depths of Mount Doom.

_New Pork City_

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Taxi!" yelled Pit, hailing a cab. "Take us to the train station, we need to get to Fourside!"

"Well, how about I take you all the way to Fourside myself?" asked the cab driver. "Trains aren't very reliable around these parts!"

"Okay, cool," thanked Pit, getting in the cab.

"Who could have set that organ up?" wondered Ike.

"Are you still mad about that?" asked Pit. "Look, we just got an insanely lucky break! Try to cheer up!"

"No," pouted Ike.

"If we catch up, you'll see Jigglypuff again..." reminded Pit.

Ike grinned.

_Fourside Airport_

"You know Mario," smiled Kirby jovially. "I find you to be a dirty, lowbrow citizen who plays the game with utter disdain for other individuals you encounter,"

"I'll-a freaking kill you-a!" yelled Mario.

"Both of you, shut up!" said Ness and Bowser at the same time.

"Mario, Kirby's right, you are kind of a jerk," said Bowser, patting Mario on the back.

"Yeah, and why worry about each other when Ike and Pit are still so far behind," rationed Ness.

Mario's eyes widened.

"That's-a right!" realised Mario, cheering.

"I don't see them showing up in time," admitted Kirby.

Ike and Pit showed up, adorned in speeding tickets and Monopoly money.

"Well, if it isn't four of the five others!" cheered Pit.

"Jigsy baby!" cheered Ike, running over to Jigglypuff.

"Damn," lamented Bowser, turning to Mario. "Whole lead down the drain,"

"These-a guys are good racers-a, so we need-a them out," replied Mario.

The flight attendant Mewtwo and Jigglypuff had been working with noticed Mario.

"Oh my god!" squealed the attendant. "You're Mario!"

"Um-a..." began Mario hesitantly.



"I'm your biggest fan!" continued the attendant. "Anything you want, it's yours!"

"Yes-a, uh..." Mario hesitated, and looked around at Ike and Pit, deciding what would hurt them most. "...that puffball, that psychic thing, my turtle friend and I are trying to go back to Mushroom-a Kingdom, y'know, where I live-a? And that angel and his blue haired friend-a are stalking-a us!"

"Right away, sir!" grinned the attendant. "I'll get you four on a flight right away! Those two guys will never bother you again!"

"Great-a!" smiled Mario.

"If she's your biggest fan, doesn't she know that I'm the villain to your hero?" asked Bowser sceptically.

"Bowser-a, it's common knowledge that anyone-a who says they're something's-a biggest fan doesn't-a know crap about the subject-a!" laughed Mario.

"Wait, where are Roy and Ganondorf?" asked Ness.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Arr, so we're definitely on standby?" confirmed Roy.

"Like, yeah!" replied Ganondorf, reading over the information they got again. "We're like, on standby for the next flight to the Mushroom Kingdom through Yoshi's Island!"

"Yarr, there's four more spots left on the flight..." realised Roy. He considered the competition. "I think we should let Kirby and Ness in on the deal we found, n'yarrgh,"

"I totally guess so," replied Ganondorf. "They've been cool lately. And like, how about the Pokemon? Mario and Bowser are jerks, and we need Ike and Pit far behind!"

"Arrgreed," nodded Roy.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Thanks you guys!" smiled Kirby.

"Whaaarr did you come from?!" asked Roy, confused.

"Oh, we politely found you," replied Kirby.

"I'll let Mewtwo know!" grinned Ness, contacting Mewtwo with his mind.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Muhahaha, excellent," smiled Mewtwo evilly. "Ness is talking to me in my head, he has a better flight!"

"Cool!" laughed Jigglypuff. "Do you think he'll let Ike and Pit know?"

"Sure, why not," lied Mewtwo, leaving Mario and Bowser alone with Ike and Pit.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"I'm sorry, my lord," the attendant told Mario, "But your Pokemon friends seem to hate you! Are you sure they're your friends?"

"Okay, this is enough!" panted Bowser, exasperated. "Just let Ike and Pit join our flight, Mario! They've had enough trouble last leg without you!"

"Fine-a..." sighed Mario.

"The only flight I can give you goes through Yoshi's Island!" said the attendant brightly.

"Um-a, we know," replied Mario.

"Good thing it's the first flight!" grinned Bowser.

"Um, no..." said the attendant. "It's the second one,"

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in Last Place_

"So this is the fastest flight to Mushroom Kingdom, through Fourside?" checked Ike.

"No, sorry, it's the second flight," replied the ticket agent. "And it's full."

"But that means that..." began Pit, trailing off, horrified.

Ike buried his face in his hands.

"I just want to get out of here so much..." groaned Ike.

* * *

Suddenly, the channel changed. The reading channel. On your computer...shut up.

_King Dedede Learns The True Meaning of Christmas, Part One_

"Say, King Dedede!" greeted Diddy Kong enthusiastically. "What are youse gettings us for Christmases, mac?"

"The hell with you people!" fumed Dedede. "Here's some money, now go to the mall and pick you own goddamn crap!"



"That's not in the spirit of the season!" reprimanded Sonic jovially. "I think we should all sing a song about the joys of Christmas!"

"That's a great idea, Sonic," encouraged...um...I haven't used Snake in filler for a while, okay, Snake. "Let's do!"

King Dedede cried silent tears.

"_Every single year, towards the end of month twelve,_

_Awesome toys and video games get made by sweatshop elves,_

_They get shipped off to little girls and boys,_

_By a fat dude with a stupid voice!" _

King Dedede bashed his head against a wall while Diddy, Snake, and Sonic sang a merry Christmas tune.

* * *

_Mario and Bowser  
__On 2__nd__ Flight to Yoshi's Island_

"All this crap for a connecting flight..." sighed Bowser, shaking his head.

"We just-a need to catch up once-a we get to the Kingdom!" rationed Mario.

_Ike and Pit  
__On Last Flight to Yoshi's Island_

"Okay, so the second flight's booked," said the ticket agent. "But the third flight leaves just fifteen minutes after it, because Yoshi's Island is such a tourist attraction!"

"That doesn't make sense and this all just got resolved rather quickly," said Pit. "But okay!"

"_All teams are making their way to Mushroom Kingdom!" recapped Crazy Hand. "Marth and Fox are on the first flight that connected to Isle Delfino, and arrives at Peach's Castle at 5:30am! Roy and Ganondorf, Kirby and Ness, and Mewtwo and Jigglypuff are on the first flight through Yoshi's Island, arriving at Peach's Castle at 8am! Mario and Bowser are on the second Yoshi's Island flight, arriving at Peach's Castle at 10:30am, fifteen minutes before Ike and Pit should arrive with the last flight!"_

_5:30am  
__Peach's Castle_

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Dude, I think we're ahead by a lot," noticed Marth. "We're really a threat to the others!"

"Yeah, which painting takes us to Bob-omb Battlefield, man?" inquired Fox.

Marth looked up at the painting of Bob-ombs in a battlefield.

"Let's use this one, bro!" decided Marth.



"How do we go in?" asked Fox.

Marth jumped in the painting.

"Oh," replied Fox, following suit.

_Bob-omb Battlefield_

"So, where do you think the king is, dude?" asked Marth.

"I think I played this game before, man," replied Fox. "He's at the top of the mountain!"

"No, I'm right here," replied King Bob-omb. "The mountain's in use,"

"Oh," replied Marth.

"Here's your clue," said King Bob-omb. "Good luck,"

"Make your way to Cool, Cool Mountain," read Marth. "Aw man, we have to go somewhere else? This place looks cool!"

"_Teams must now make their way to Cool, Cool Mountain and find this cottage!" said Crazy Hand. "It is here where they will find their next clue! However, production have laid out fake directions that will lead the teams to Tall, Tall Mountain instead of Cool, Cool Mountain! Teams must overcome the directions to save time!"_

_8:00am  
__1__st__ Yoshi's Island Flight  
__Arrived in Mushroom Kingdom_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Peach's Castle!" cheered Jigglypuff happily, running around in circles.

"Yes, and I finally killed Ness on the plane!" celebrated Mewtwo. "To avoid being seen, I turned out the lights before I stabbed him and ripped out his organs!"

"Everyone's a winner!" chuckled Jigglypuff.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Ah, the fresh air is simply intoxicating!" smiled Kirby, sniffing a nearby flower.

"Do you think everyone's alright?" wondered Ness. "I heard somebody got stabbed on the plane in the dark!"

Luigi's dead body fell out of the plane.



"Good thing none of **the racers** died!" laughed Ness, enjoying how alive he was.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Arr, good thing we survived that one, eh?" asked Roy, checking himself for wounds.

"That was like, so scary!" whined Ganondorf. "But at least we didn't get hurt!"

"ARR NO!" cried Roy, discovering something.

"What is it, like?" asked Ganondorf fearfully.

Roy revealed a broken device in his pocket.

"Yarr, they destroyed me iPod under covaaarrr of darkness!" mourned Roy, crying.

_Yoshi's Island Airport_

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Sorry, we can't let you on," said a Yoshi ticket agent.

"Oh, this is just typical!" raged Ike.

"This is getting kind of annoying," reasoned Pit. "We're booked all the way!"

"All the seats got bought out," replied the Yoshi. "The hero of the Mushroom Kingdom booked the plane privately!"

Ike took out his laptop and frantically checked .

"THAT NEVER HAPPENED!" screamed Ike. "This isn't fair!"

"Oh, cool, got some new reviews on my story," noticed Pit, taking Ike's laptop.

"I'll see what I can do, sirs," sighed the Yoshi.

_Bob-omb Battlefield_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Hi, bomb!" smiled Jigglypuff. "Do you have a clue?"

"Don't mind my companion, she's disabled," said Mewtwo coolly.

"Really?" asked King Bob-omb. "You seem like the one with a mental disorder, she just seems peppy and fun!"



"DISORDER?!" raged Mewtwo. "I'm psychic! That is not a hindrance! I should destroy you!"

"Let's just head to Cool, Cool Mountain!" decided Jigglypuff, dragging Mewtwo away.

"NEVER!" screamed Mewtwo, throwing a load of bombs at the approaching Kirby and Ness with his mind. "DIE NESS DIE!"

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Why all the fighting?" Kirby asked a Bob-omb buddy. "You should be friends!"

"The black Bob-ombs are evil and twisted!" argued the Bob-omb buddy. "And between you and me –"

The Bob-omb buddy whispered in Kirby's ear, "They're minorities!"

"How intolerant!" reprimanded Kirby. "I think someone should go over there and think about what they've done!"

The Bob-omb buddy sadly walked away, but was hit by a levitating load of bombs and died horribly.

"Dammit!" raged Mewtwo.

"Here's your clue!" said King Bob-omb.

"Ah, Cool, Cool Mountain!" cheered Ness. "I feel alive with joy!"

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Ganondorf skipped along the battlefield merrily, followed by a morose Roy, who was dragging his dead iPod like it was his first born child.

"Like, clue me King!" cheered Ganondorf.

Roy burst into pirate tears, which are cooler than ninja tears by the way.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff jumped back out of the painting, and surveyed the castle.

"Okay, so the frats are out in the lead somewhere, and those two teams are right behind us!" panicked Jigglypuff. "Where do we go?!"

"The powers of mental thinking are telling me that the signs indicate a path!" discovered Mewtwo. "Let's set up a trap for Ness!"

Mewtwo messed around with the first sign so that it pointed to a different door instead of pointing upstairs.

"I thought you wanted him dead?" asked Jigglypuff.

"Whatever, that door probably leads to some kind of trap," shrugged Mewtwo.

_Cool, Cool Mountain_

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Nice, here's Cool, Cool Mountain dude!" smiled Marth, checking the tourist map.

"Which cottage do we go into, man?" asked Fox.

"Think it's just the top one, dude," replied Marth.

_Yoshi's Island Airport_

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Sorry sirs, but ticketing is closed," revealed the Yoshi agent.

"We were this close to catching up!" groaned Ike.

"I know, I know," said Pit sympathetically.

"I'm sorry," said the Yoshi.

_10:30am  
__2__nd__ Flight From Yoshi's Island Arrived_

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"This-a is serious now!" yelled Mario, running to Peach's Castle as fast as possible with Bowser in tow. "No more-a mister nice guy-a!"

"When _were _you mis-" began Bowser, before Mario struck him again.

"No-a more jokes!" yelled Mario. "Time-a to run-a! Ike and Pit could be right-a behind us!"

_Cool, Cool Mountain_

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Marth and Fox climbed up to the roof of the top cottage, and took a clue.

"Bro, look! All six clues are here!" celebrated Fox.



"Doesn't mean anything, dude!" said Marth warily. "There could be extras!"

"I know, but at least we're not last, man!" smiled Fox.

Marth nodded, and opened the clue. "Detour!"

"_A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Detour, teams must choose between Big and Little!"_

"_In Big, teams must enter the cottage through the chimney to get to the indoor slope! Once there, they must slide down the course on the back of this big penguin! There is only one penguin, so the task will be first come, first served! Once a team finishes the course, they will receive their next clue!"_

"_In Little, teams must hike down the mountain and find one of six little penguins! They must then bring the penguin back to its mother to receive their next clue! However, the mother will be asleep in an enclosure!"_

"Sounds cool!" grinned Fox. Marth groaned in disdain.

"Aww man, look at this! Because penguins need to sleep or some crap, hours of operation for both: 8am to 7:30pm!" complained Marth.

"You're kidding, man!" grunted Fox, irritated.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff walked back downstairs, Mewtwo looking furious.

"The signs were wrong!" shouted Mewtwo. "Cool, Cool Mountain's painting is downstairs!"

"Like, hi guys!" waved Ganondorf, waiting at the foot of the stairs with Roy, Kirby and Ness. "Thanks for the info!"

"Really was nice of you to fix the sign, too!" smiled Kirby, jerking his hea-body to the Cool, Cool Mountain painting. "Shall we go in?"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Let's do Big, dude," decided Marth. "We better take a number if it's first come, first served,"

The frats looked at a board which had numbered tags from one to six on it. Fox pulled off the '1' tag.

"Good thing we're still in the lead, man!" grinned Fox.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Kirby and Ness jumped into the painting, followed by Roy and Ganondorf. Mewtwo and Jigglypuff stayed behind...

_Bob-omb Battlefield_

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Here's King Bob-omb!" cried Bowser, taking the clue.

"Sorry-a, can't hear you-a!" grinned Mario sadistically, surrounded by Bob-omb slaves who were chanting "Mario forever! Mario forever!"

"What's that sign over there?" asked Bowser, pointing to a road sign looking thing with a race flag next to it.

"Can't be anything-a to do with us-a..." reasoned Mario.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Listen, Jigglypuff..." said Mewtwo shadily, pulling Jigglypuff aside from the painting. "I think we should take extra measures to ensure our survival..."

"What?" asked Jigglypuff, confused.

"I'm talking about the Fast Forward, you dunce!" raged Mewtwo, showing Jigglypuff the green pamphlet that came with the clue. "If we don't take it now, one of the two teams behind us will!"

"Like who?" asked Jigglypuff.

"Like Mario and Bowser!" replied Mewtwo.

"Haven't they done one?" asked Jigglypuff.

"FINE!" shouted Mewtwo. "Pit and-oops...Pit and...Marth! Pit and Marth will take it!"

"Those fiends!" cried Jigglypuff. "Okay, let's do it!"

"_This is the third Fast Forward on the race!" reminded Crazy Hand. "A Fast Forward allows one team to skip all tasks and go directly to the pit stop! However, once a team uses a Fast Forward, that team can never use another one again for the rest of the race, so teams must decide when it's most advantageous to go for it!"_

"_In this Fast Forward, teams must go to the Hazy Maze Cave, and find the swimming dinosaur at the cave's bottom to receive their next clue! However, the path to the dinosaur is confusing, as only __**the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom or a psychic freak **__will know how to navigate the maze completely!"_

"Pit and Marth are a big concern!" gasped Jigglypuff. "We better hurry!"

"This is almost too easy..." thought Mewtwo to himself.

_Yoshi's Island Airport_

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Sorry sirs, but I insist, the ticket counter will not be open for a few more hours," said the Yoshi, looking guilty. "I apologise for the inconvenience,"

"Can we at least get the first flight as soon as ticket sales open?" asked Pit wearily.

"Not looking good," sighed Ike, burying his face in his hands.

* * *

We now return to _King Dedede Learns The True Meaning of Christmas!_

"Please...stop..." groaned King Dedede, his hands clasped over his ears.

"_When the moon comes down,_

_Santa comes into town!_

_He's got presents for you and presents for me!_

_And if you invest shares in the workshop, you get 'em for free!" _sang Diddy, Snake and Sonic.

"I swear, I'm really gonna do it!" threatened King Dedede, dangling his hammer over his own skull.

"_So unclog your chimneys for him to get by,_

_Widen the gap so Santa doesn't die!_

_If he's dead, Christmas is gone,_

_And we won't be able to sing this merry song!"_

"That's it!" grinned Dedede evilly. "Santa can't bring presents to children if he's dead!"

King Dedede ran off.

* * *

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff snuck down into the basement, but to their dismay they found that –

"The Hazy Maze Cave's got hours of operation too?!" raged Mewtwo.

"Where are we gonna sleep?" moaned Jigglypuff. "I'm hungry! My idiot brother keeps putting his hand on my side of the caaaar! I miss my mommy!"

Mewtwo picked up a knife and stabbed Jigglypuff in the voicebox.

"We just have to hang on for a little while..." said Mewtwo testily.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

Mario and Bowser jumped through the Cool, Cool Mountain painting, and saw that most of the teams were still there.

"Awesome-a!" cheered Mario. "We've caught up-a!"

"Oh, that's great..." said Ganondorf, dismayed. "Like, good for you..."

"So are we all doing Big?" confirmed Bowser, reading the clue.

"That's right," agreed Kirby. "Hours of operation, though!"

Mario grinned evilly.

"No idea where the Pokemon went though, dude," said Marth.

"Oh, they were with us a second ago..." mused Ness.

"You dudes have to pull number tags by the way," said Fox.

"Oh, we forgot about that!" realised Ness.

"Yarr, us too," agreed Roy.

"Ness, I'll get ours!" smiled Kirby. "Don't you worry a bit!"

Kirby pulled the number '2' tag.

"Arr, first come first saaarved?" asked Roy, checking the clue.

Ganondorf nodded, and pulled the '3' tag.

"Damn, slow reactions!" cursed Bowser, pulling the '4' tag.

"So-a the lovers are behind-a again?" chuckled Mario.

"Didn't I tell you the Pokemon were behind us a second ago?" asked Ness.

_Hazy Maze Cave_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Okay, the maze is open!" cheered Jigglypuff merrily.

"Fine, let's get the Fast Forward already," grunted Mewtwo. "I'm sick of being near you,"

"Welcome to the Hazy Maze Cave!" greeted a Goomba.

"Thank you!" smiled Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo squashed the Goomba into oblivion, and used his corpse as food.



Mewtwo tore down the walls of the maze with his psychic abilities, and summoned the clue.

"Isn't this cheating?" asked Jigglypuff.

"No, all we had to do was retrieve the clue from the maze," replied Mewtwo.

...

...

"Oh," replied Jigglypuff.

"_Having won the Fast Forward, Mewtwo and Jigglypuff may now make their way to Tiny-Huge Island, from the top floor of Peach's Castle!" said Crazy Hand. "The size-altering island is the pit stop for this leg of the race! The last team to check in may be eliminated!"_

"Hurry!" raged Mewtwo. "We need to get as big a lead as possible on Marth and Pit!"

"Our sworn enemies!" cried Jigglypuff. "I just hope Ike and Fox can stop them!"

Mewtwo cackled to himself.

_Cool, Cool Mountain_

_Marth and Fox  
__1__st__ on Penguin Slide_

"Dude, nice morning for a slide!" cheered Marth, patting Fox on the back.

"That's right man, we're first," remembered Fox, showing the '1' tag to the big penguin.

"Arr, I hope you guys be alright on those treacherous slopes," said Roy. "I myself struggle with a fearrr of speed and heights,"

"Like, it's true," agreed Ganondorf, nodding.

"Yarr, so how fast is the fastest penguin?" asked Roy uncertainly.

"Dudes, you're hoggin' our scene," said Marth flatly.

Roy and Ganondorf apologised and stepped out of the shot.

Marth and Fox slid down the slope on the back of the big penguin.

"Man, this is dangerous!" cried Fox over the wind as he slid down. "I sure hope we don't lose anythi-"

The camera fell down a cliff, followed by the boom mic.

_Fox_

"Man, the slide was so cool! It must have looked so cool!" cheered Fox enthusiastically in a voice-over. "I can't wait to watch it at home!"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Marth and Fox landed at the bottom of the slope, and dusted themselves off.

"Here's your replacement camera!" said the R.O.B. cameraman.

"That's your face, dude," replied Marth.

"And?" asked R.O.B.

Marth decided not to argue back.

_Kirby and Ness  
__2__nd__ on Penguin Slide_

"Oh good, here's the penguin," smiled Kirby, as the penguin emerged from an elevator smoking a cigarette.

"Frank, would you put that thing out?" chastised the penguin. "I don't even get how you can physically do that!"

"I'm sorry Mike, I just-I just need it right now," said Frank the talking elevator, stubbing out his cigarette.

"So, your name's Mike," said Ness, kindly making conversation.

"So?" asked Mike rudely. "Yours is Ness, but you don't hear me complaining, ya freak,"

Ness looked hurt, and continued to look hurt throughout their whole sliding experience.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"You know dude, you'd think we'd have opened the clue by now," said Marth.

"Oh yeah, man I forgot," replied Fox. He opened the clue. "Take the owl to Whomp Fortress..."

"_Now at the bottom of the mountain, teams must find two of these twelve tree owls and use them to fly to Whomp's Fortress!" said Crazy Hand. "Once there, teams will find their next clue!"_

"Let's take off, dude," declared Marth punnily.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Owls?" asked Kirby with polite incredulity. "Isn't it in the morning?"

"Insult my name, will you?" asked Ness under his breath. "Well Mike, how's about I come by after the race...to kill you..."

"What?" asked Kirby.

"Nothing," replied Ness.

"Yes, nothing..." muttered Ness. "That's what Mike'll see...after I kill him..."

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__3__rd__ on Penguin Slide_

"Let's go and gather baby penguins, n'yarr..." hesitated Roy.

"Like, that ain't happening," replied Ganondorf sternly.

Mike returned inside Frank, and after sticking a nicotine patch on his door, he approached Roy and Ganondorf.

Roy wet himself.

"Like, ewww!" whimpered Ganondorf.

"What the hell, man?" asked Mike angrily.

"My...uh...arr...my feet had scurvy," lied Roy sheepishly.

Mike took a step backwards, disgusted.

"So did yours," finished Roy, checking the floor.

_Peach's Castle_

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Sure is a good thing that convoluted off-screen piece of luck happened to us!" smiled Pit, breathing in fresh air.

"Yep, now to catch back up!" grinned Ike.

"Not over until we step on that mat!" replied Pit.

_Cool, Cool Mountain_

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Marrybe we could go slow for us novices?" asked Roy timidly.

Mike considered this.

"No," replied Mike.

"Please?" arred Roy.

"Bite me," replied Mike. "Besides, we're already halfway down the slide,"

"Woo!" cheered Ganondorf. "Isn't like, so much fun?"

Roy wet himself again.

"Arr, his back had sc-" began Roy, but Ganondorf slapped him.

_Mario and Bowser  
__4__th__ on Penguin Slide_

"...and the pirate guy was a total freak!" Mike was telling Frank the elevator. "I swear, I'm still towelling myself off!"

"Wasn't that incident only ten seconds ago?" asked Frank.

"Yeah, and you're using me to dry yourself!" protested a towel.

"Oh, sorry about that Jason," apologised Mike. "Man, why is everything in this kingdom capable of speech?"

"Okay-a, we're ready!" grinned Mario expectantly.

Mike dropped Jason to the floor unceremoniously and shook Mario's hand.

"Anything for you, O Saviour!" gasped Mike, awestruck. "But why is th-that thing with you?!"

"Bowser's-a...uh...reformed-a!" lied Mario.

"Yeah..." said Bowser. "I'm so good I wanna kiss your freaking babies,"

Mike fainted, and Mario and Bowser proceeded to ride his unconscious body.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Like, so the owl trees are here?" checked Ganondorf.

"Arr, correct..." said Roy, walking gingerly.

Mario and Bowser rode into the scene impressively.

"So-a, where do we get an owl?" asked Mario.

Bowser pointed to the tree.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Marth held onto his owl, and flew through the sky.

Fox kept shaking his owl's leg.

"Faster, man, faster!" ordered Fox. "Show me what you owls can do, bro!"

"Sir, I'd punch you if I had real hands," replied the owl indifferently.

Fox shut up.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"I wonder what happened to the two teams we left back there," pondered Ness, flying with his owl.

"Hmm, I hope they are alright..." mused Kirby, stroking his lower-face with a hand on his owl.

* * *

And now for the third part of:

King Dedede Learns the True Meaning of Christmas!

"_So I hope you've been good,_

_Nixed all the rude,_

_You've stopped punching your mother,_

_And eating your baby brother..." _sang Diddy, Snake, and Sonic.

King Dedede opened the door of his castle, and proudly presented Santa's dead body, which looked like it had died in a violent struggle.

"There you go, jolly freaks!" laughed King Dedede. "Santa's dead, now stop singing!"

"You've killed him?!" asked Diddy. "Mac, I'm shockeds!"

"NOOOOOO!" screamed Snake in a high-pitched voice.

"Let's sing him a eulogy!" decided Sonic.

"_At fifty one minutes past eleven,_

_Santa was sent to heaven,_

_Our kingly friend killed him,_

_And ripped him limb from limb..." _sang Diddy, Snake, and Sonic slowly and tenderly.

King Dedede used his hammer for suicide.

-The End!

* * *

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Take your time, sky ship!" commanded Roy, flying with his owl. "Tharr be no hurry!"

"Like, aren't you afraid of heights?" asked Ganondorf.

...

Roy wet himself.

"Thaarrt was because the gr-" began Roy.

"-ound had scurvy," said Roy and Ganondorf at the same time, sheepishly and irritably respectively.

"Yeah, like got it," sighed Ganondorf.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Wonder what's up ahead?" wondered Bowser.

...

"That's-a it?" asked Mario, looking at the camera. "We're done with our scene-a? Real good, real fu-"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I wanna get rolling before the other teams get here, dude," bemoaned Marth.

"Me too, man," agreed Fox.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"-ing good-a," finished Mario.

_Bob-omb Battlefield_

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in Last Place_

"You have a clue for us, right?" asked Pit, walking up to King Bob-omb.

"You two have something a little different," replied King Bob-omb, handing over a clue.

"Speed Bump," read Ike.



"We didn't want to see this right now..." groaned Pit.

"_Having been promised a Speed Bump at the end of the last leg, Ike and Pit must now complete an extra challenge no other team has to do!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Speed Bump, they must avoid the crossfire between the two bomb squads and plant a nuke beside this Chain Chomp! This could be an easy task, but the nuke will detonate twenty seconds after Ike and Pit plant it!"_

"Crappola," said Ike.

"Wait, I've got a plan!" smiled Pit.

Pit whispered in Ike's ear.

"Got it," nodded Ike.

Ike threw Ragnell through the storm of bombs and bullets into Chain Chomp's eye, distracting all the bombs. Pit flew past them all and planted the nuke.

"Okay, done," said Pit.

"Here's the clue," grinned King Bob-omb, not realising how screwed he was.

"Make your way to Cool, Cool Mountain..." read Ike. "Hey, there's a Fast Forward here!"

"Naah, someone probably took it," realised Pit. "It was probably the frats, they probably want to stay ahead of Mario and Bowser or something,"

"At least Jigs won't betray us!" smiled Ike. "Isn't there a nuke here?"

Ike and Pit left.

_Whomp Fortress_

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Marth and Fox jumped off their owls and ran to the clue box.

"More number tags, man!" cried Fox, pulling another '1'.

Marth took a clue. "Road Block!"

"_A Road Block is a task only one person can perform!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Road Block, that person must jump off of the top of the fortress strapped to either; a Whomp, a Thwomp, a Goomba, a Shy Guy, a Toad, or a bag of dry meal! The number tags dictate what the team member will be strapped to, so teams can choose freely between tags this time! Once a team lands at the bottom of the fortress, they will receive their next clue!"_

"You're doing it, man!" grinned Fox, handing Marth the tag.

"Number 1 is...this dude!" sighed Marth with relief, hi-fiving the Shy Guy.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Road Block!" read Kirby.

"I'm up," said Ness. "I feel like I can do it!"

Ness' number 2 tag corresponded with the Thwomp.

"Oh, fiddlesticks," said Ness, kicking the ground.

"Good luck, mon frère!" grinned Kirby.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Mario jumped off of his owl, and dragged Bowser off of his ahead of Roy and Ganondorf.

"We're-a moving up!" cheered Mario, taking the third tag. "Road Block!"

"I'll take it," said Bowser. He checked the clue. "So I'm strapped to a Toad and the tags don't matter? Cool,"

Ness sighed.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Ganondorf ran over to the clue box carrying Roy in a fireman's lift, and he took the '4' tag.

"I'll jump, like I need more of your whining..." said Ganondorf.

"Whoa, role reversal," muttered Ness to himself.

Ganondorf checked the clue.

"Like, tag 4 is the Goomba?" checked Ganondorf.

Ness groaned.

_Marth, Ness, Bowser, Ganondorf  
__On Road Block_

"No chance to die, Bowser old boy, no chance at all," Bowser muttered to himself, stapling Toad to his stomach.

"And this is safe, right dude?" asked Marth.

The Shy Guy nodded. "If you stay with me and I don't-"



The eyeholes in his mask glowed red.

"-**let go and kill you** you'll be fine!"

"I'm glad I'm not going first," commented Ness. "I'm strapped to a friggin' rock while you guys have light supporters,"

_Fox, Kirby, Mario, Roy  
__Not on Road Block_

"Come on, Marth!" yelled Fox from the bottom of the fortress.

"Arr, Marrrth be going!" noticed Roy.

The four non-Road Blockers watched as Marth and Shy Guy jumped.

"Why does that fellow have a knife?" asked Kirby.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Marth landed successfully on the ground, followed by the Shy Guy, and finally a large knife. The knife fell to the ground, missing Marth and landing on some small person.

"Very cool, man!" applauded Fox. "Now come on, let's go!"

_Ness, Bowser, Ganondorf  
__On Road Block_

"Looks like the frats are like, going for first again," realised Ganondorf. "Look at them run!"

Ganondorf waved at Marth and Fox, who were sprinting over to the clue box down below.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Marth opened the clue.

"Make your way to Tiny-Huge Island!" read Marth. "The pit stop for this leg of the race! The last team to check in here may be eliminated, dude!"

"Usual threat, man!" said Fox nervously. "Let's juice before the others finish!"

"Let's juice?" repeated Marth. "_I'm_ not even sure about that one,"

_Tiny-Huge Island_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Actually currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I hope we've managed to stay in!" fretted Jigglypuff nervously.

"Yes, I sure hope myself or you haven't lost anything!" said Mewtwo pointedly, laughing as he stepped on the mat.

"Welcome to Tiny-Huge Island!" greeted a Goomba.

"Whatever," replied Mewtwo, killing its family.

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you are team number one!" awarded Crazy Hand proudly.

Jigglypuff let out a squeal of delight and hugged Mewtwo. Mewtwo poisoned her bottled water.

"And I have some good news for you!" smiled Crazy Hand. "For winning this seventh leg of the race, you've each won a lifetime subscription to Singles Weekly: the hippest magazines for those not involved with anyone they work closely with at all!"

"Perfect," grinned Mewtwo with a pointed stare at an oblivious Jigglypuff.

_Ness  
__2__nd__ to Jump_

"How long does it take to get to the ground?" asked Ness nervously.

"Varies from guide to guide," replied the Swedish Thwomp...named...uh...Ikea.

"Oh, well that's helpful," said Ness flatly.

Ikea jumped off of the fortress, with Ness screaming after him.

"You can do it, Ness!" cried Kirby from the ground.

"This grass has scurvy!" called Roy.

"I'm-a Mario!" added Mario.

Ness hit the ground sharply, and Kirby went and got him a clue.

"Pit stop, my friend!" grinned Kirby cheerfully.

_Bowser, Ganondorf  
__On Road Block_

"You know what?" asked Bowser. "I'm going for it, and you should too! Screw waiting!"

"Like, you're supposed to go anyway," said Ganondorf.

"Nuts to that!" scoffed Bowser, jumping off the fortress.

"I don't, like I can't, I don't see how, ah well," stammered Ganondorf, following suit.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Alright, let's get out of here to the pit stop!" declared Ness, cleaning off the bloodstains and Thwomp pieces embedded in his arm. "I think we pulled ahead of the frats!"

"It's about damn time!" fumed Kirby, drinking some scotch. "I thought we'd never end this freaking leg!"

"Oh, no!" gasped Ness. "I forgot to give you your drugs! You're a jerk again! Oh tragedy!"

Marth and Fox walked over, and handed Ness a syringe.

"Here you go, guy!" smiled Marth.

"Do frats say guy?" asked Fox.

Marth pondered this.

"Yes, I-yeah, I think they do," said Marth.

"Curious, bro," mused Fox.

The frats walked off, lost in thought.

"Thanks, opposing team!" smiled Ness brightly, as he stabbed Kirby with the syringe.

"EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE CRICKETS!" cried Kirby, his eyes bloodshot. "THEY WANT TO TAKE ME TO THEIR OVERLORD! I'M NOT READY, NESS! I'M NOT READY!"

Ness stabbed Kirby with the syringe again.

"Ah, how delightful," simpered Kirby, sniffing a petunia.

"Now, come on!" said Ness. "We need to beat the frats and prove that we can place high any time we want!"

Ness dragged Kirby past the frats and out a painting back into Peach's Castle.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Dude, are Kirby and Ness trying to beat us?" asked Fox.

"They can't be!" gasped Marth. "I gave them drugs, dude!"

"We'll crush 'em like the stupid little tweeked-out kids they are, man!" raged Fox, pounding his fist into his palm.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Okay, this must be Cool, Cool Mountain!" decided Pit, stepping through a painting.

"Can you tell us where we are?" Ike asked a passer-by.

"Um, you're in Tall, Tall Mountain," replied the passer-by.

"What?" asked Ike in disbelief. "We followed the signs! This is Cool, Cool Mountain!"

"Hey, does this mountain look cool, cool?" asked the passer-by heatedly.

"He does have a point," admitted Pit. "This mountain is pretty tall, tall,"

"Dammit!" cursed Ike. "Well, can you at least tell us how to get to Cool, Cool Mountain?"

"Um, jump off Tall, Tall Mountain," replied the passer-by. "See, you came in here through the castle's top floor. So to get anywhere on the ground floor, jump off the edge,"

"That makes absolutely no sense!" said Pit at the same time as Ike said "That makes perfect sense!"

Ike jumped, with Pit resignedly following.

_Peach's Castle_

The four lead teams all poured out of the door from Whomp's Fortress, and all ran towards the stairs.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3rd Place_

"Follow Kirby and Ness, they've been like, tolerable this leg!" called Ganondorf.

"Yarr, but do they know wharr we're going?" asked Roy.

"We're all going upstairs, duh!" argued Ganondorf.

"But we arrrr upstairs," pointed out Roy, now that the four teams had made it into the circular, painting-filled room at the top of the staircase.

Kirby and Ness tore off in a different direction.

"I know where to go!" cried Ganondorf, dragging Roy in a different direction.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Dude, this sucks!" grunted Marth. "We've been ridin' first since the leg began and now we're tied going to the pit stop!"

"I just hope someone's been left behind, man!" replied Fox, following Roy and Ganondorf.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Bowser-a, who are we following?" asked Mario. "Druggies or schizos?"

"Hey, watch the labelling!" protested Bowser. "That could offend!"

"I wish we had a label-a," lamented Mario.

"Follow Roy and Ganondorf!" decided Bowser on a whim.

"Seriously-a, we have Pokemon, frats, druggies, schizos, boyfriends, but what are we-a? Just Mario and Bowser-a? That's so tacky!" whined Mario.

Bowser rolled his eyes.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf ran into a room, and checked the sign.

"Like, there's nothing here but a bunch of mirrors!" wailed Ganondorf.

"Yarr, sign says that this is the gateway to Snowman's Land," read Roy.

"Damn, we like, went the wrong way!" complained Ganondorf, turning and leaving the room.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Okay, we can be the...uh...the enemies?" asked Bowser. "How about it? That's our label! Can we go now!"

"Here's-a the frats!" cried Mario joyfully.

"Hi, the dudes we hate!" greeted Marth. "Listen brohams, Roy and Ganon led us the wrong way!"

"Damn!" cursed Bowser.

"Totally, man," replied Fox. "We gotta catch the – um, Mario, can I check the labels real quick?"

Mario pulled out a notepad with the six teams' stereotype labels written on them and handed it to Fox.

"We gotta catch the druggies!" said Fox, handing Mario back the pad.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Ness, do you have a plan as to where Tiny-Huge Island is and how quickly we should get there?" asked Kirby innocently, the syringe still protruding from the side of his body.



"I do not have such a plan," replied Ness blankly, strolling along with Kirby.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Dammit, now like, everyone else has a head start on us!" complained Ganondorf.

"Arr, don't blame yourself!" chastised Roy. "Even though it be your fault!"

Ganondorf sighed, and walked into the door frame.

"Ow! Ow! Owwie!" whined Ganondorf, rubbing her...his...foot.

"What be it?" asked Roy, panicking.

"I walked into the door frame and totally busted my foot!" sobbed Ganondorf.

Roy checked Ganondorf's foot.

"It's not that bad," lied Roy.

Ganondorf had poisoned himself by getting asbestos from the castle stuck in an open wound from one of Roy's night terror attacks.

"It huuuurts!" moaned Ganondorf.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Where is the Tiny-Huge Island painting anyway?" asked Ness, walking into Kirby. "Oops, sorry!"

Ness had knocked Kirby's drug syringe out.

Kirby's eyes became focused, and quickly narrowed to slits.

"HOW THE FORK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!" asked pre-drug Kirby. "What, do you think I'm some sort of (loud noise)ing map expert who knows where (distracting noise) is? I just want to (truck drove past)(phone rang)(music's too loud) your mother while you die because your (mom's saying dinner's ready)(fireworks)(you yourself are speaking and it's very distracting yet enthralling) exploded or some crap like that!"

Ness popped Kirby's syringe back in.

"I'm not sure, friend!" smiled Kirby.

Ness shed a single tear.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

"Arr, there be only one thing we can do," said Roy at once, looking grim.

"W-what?" asked Ganondorf.

"Arrrrrrmputate," replied Roy, taking out a coping saw and sawing Ganondorf's bad foot off.

"Won't this like, waste time?" asked Ganondorf through the pain.

Roy shrugged.

_Cool, Cool Mountain_

_Ike and Pit  
__Completed Detour_

Ike and Pit brought the baby penguin back to its mother with the greatest of ease.

"That sure was a great idea you had for us to complete that task quickly!" applauded Pit.

"Couldn't have done it without your extra ideas!" said Ike modestly.

"Okay, Whomp Fortress!" said Pit, reading the clue quickly.

"I know where that is, the entire Greil Kingdom went there on vacation!" smiled Ike.

"What a coincidence!" said Pit.

"All we have to do is take the owl!" said Ike, choosing an owl which resembled an owl on steroids.

Ike and Pit flew over to Whomp Fortress in record time.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

Roy's saw broke.

"Darrrn," lamented Roy.

"Like, now what'll we do?!" asked Ganondorf. "You've sawn half of my foot clean off!"

"We'll just have to make do!" said Roy. "Yarr, run!"

Ganondorf stood up gingerly, and limped at **an extremely slow speed **towards the door.

_Whomp Fortress_

_Ike  
__On Road Block_

Ike, strapped to a bag of dry meal, jumped off of the top of the fortress and landed neatly next to Pit.



"Who knew you had such good fast-falling skills!" grinned Pit.

"I didn't even know!" grinned Ike. "Let's go to Tiny-Huge Island!"

"We passed that on the way to Tall, Tall Mountain by mistake!" remembered Pit.

"Cool, so we know where we're going!" laughed Ike.

Ike and Pit hopped out of the painting.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Okay, here's the painting!" smiled Kirby.

"After you," said Ness, biting his lip nervously.

Kirby and Ness hopped into the painting uncertainly.

"This is the right one!" smiled Ness, as he landed.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in Last Place_

"I hope we're not too late!" smiled Ike, climbing upstairs with Pit close behind.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 5__th__ Place_

Roy supported Ganondorf, and slowly the pair made it out of the mirror room.

"Arr, we have a serious problem," admitted Roy.

"Like, you think?!" screamed Ganondorf incredulously, blood dripping from his half-foot. "My foot is like, shredded! Shredded wheat is shredded, this is freaking mutilated!"

"Arr, I just hope we've still got teams far behind us," arred Roy sadly.

_Tiny-Huge Island_

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"There's Phil!" grinned Kirby triumphantly, running up a small hill.

"Crazy Hand," corrected Ness, beaming.

"Same thing," replied Kirby, stepping on the mat.

Ness rolled his eyes and followed.



"Kirby and Ness, you are team number two!" smiled Crazy Hand. "And correct Ness, my name is Crazy Hand!"

Kirby and Ness hi-fived.

"A good result for you two!" said Crazy Hand, impressed. "You overcame bunching by using proper navigation!"

"Yeah, and drugs!" grinned Ness.

"What?" asked Kirby and Crazy Hand together.

"I said yeah and then I just stopped talking altogether," said Ness in an unconvincing monotone.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Did-a you see the frats-a?" asked Mario, desperately looking over his shoulder as he arrived.

"No, we're in the clear!" rejoiced Bowser, stepping on the mat.

"Mario and Bowser, you're team number three!" said Crazy Hand.

"Not bad-a," said Mario. "Have the frats-a arrived?"

"No..." said Crazy Hand.

"Then who are we-a behind?" asked Mario.

"Granted Kirby and Ness pulled ahead cause they went the right way, but Roy and Ganondorf busted up!" said Bowser.

"The Pokemon won the leg," replied Crazy Hand.

"Oh-a..." said Mario dejectedly.

"On the other hand, at least you didn't come second again!" grinned Crazy Hand.

Mario and Bowser partied.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Did you just see like, two people run past us?" asked Ganondorf, on the verge of blacking out.

"No, why?" asked Roy, watching Ganondorf's suffering.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Marth and Fox, you are team number four," said Crazy Hand grimly.

"Dude, lame," replied Marth. "We spent the whole leg in first until the very end!"

"There's always next time, man," said Fox threateningly.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Like, this is the end!" despaired Ganondorf.

"Arr, I know!" agreed Roy. "The boyfriends werrrre hours behind!"

"No, I mean I'm going to die!" said Ganondorf.

"Yarr, stay positive!" reprimanded Roy. "We've got to stay in it to win it!"

"I'm like, not talking about the race!" whined Ganondorf.

"Yarr, wait!" said Roy. "Ike and Pit off the port bow! I have an idea!"

Roy ripped off Ganondorf's half-foot and performed a quick switch to give Ganondorf a peg-leg.

"What are you doing?!" screamed Ganondorf.

Roy threw Ganondorf's foot at Pit.

The foot hit an open wound and gave Pit HIV.

"Oh no!" cried Pit. "I have HIV!"

"I was clean!" said Ike at once.

"IKE!" screamed Jigglypuff, running out of Tiny-Huge Hotel. "You gave Pit HIV? How could you! I thought we were together! We are THROUGH, mister!"

Ike broke down crying.

"Like, why didn't you throw the peg-leg at him?" asked Ganondorf.

Roy stared at Ganondorf blankly.

"Never mind," sighed Ganondorf.

Roy and Ganondorf skipped merrily onto the pit stop.

"Roy and Ganondorf, you're..." began Crazy Hand, distracted by Ike, Pit, and Jigglypuff.

Dramatic pause.

Eyebrow pop.



Distinct lack of Crazy Hand's random Kiwi accent that has nothing to do with illegal voicebox surgery on Phil Keoghan.

"Come on!" raged Ganondorf.

"Arr, I demand placement!" agreed Roy.

"I want to quit reading!" said you.

"Must crack 10K!" said me. Said I. Shut up.

"...team number five," finished Crazy Hand.

"Yaaaay!" cheered Ganondorf.

"Why's he so happy?" asked Crazy Hand. "Fifth place at this stage is total crap!"

"Oh, I drugged the peg-leg," replied Roy.

Kirby and Ness sued Roy.

_Ike and Pit  
__Currently in Last Place_

A sobbing Ike and an AIDS'd Pit stepped onto the mat.

"Just get it over with," sighed Pit. "We really thought we'd move up from last,"

"Ike and Pit, you are the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand. "And I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the race,"

"Aw, well," said Pit.

"We overcame a lot of adversity on the show," sniffed Ike. "We ended up hours behind, got a Speed Bump, blew up a municipality, kidnapped a baby penguin, and I lost the love of my life, but at least we went out with a bang,"

"We've really proved that the gay community can really-" began Pit.

"We're not gay," said Ike.

...

"WHOAMFG!" said Pit.

* * *

Arrival Times?!

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff: 10:02am

Kirby and Ness: 12:24pm

Mario and Bowser: 12:35pm

Marth and Fox: 12:43pm

Roy and Ganondorf: 1:42pm

Ike and Pit: 1:44pm – ELIMINATED

* * *

"Next time on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" said Crazy Hand. "Teams go someplace!"

"Expect: more flight crap-ola!"

"Watch: Mario whine about everyone and everything!"

"Marvel as: People struggle on tasks!"

"Enjoy: Kirby and Ness discovering more advantages of drugs!

* * *

Please read, review, tell me who you want to win, who you want eliminated next, share your favourite moments, etc, etc, etc.

Oh, and get me a Coke. None of that Diet crap, the real stuff. Thanks.


	8. Overconfidence Surfaces In Trial City!

Okay, here's the eighth leg! Please enjoy it, as it took a long time for it to dribble out of my brain. And a lot of pain. Read this on the way back from picking me up an icepack, and that'd just be super.

* * *

"Previously on Seinfeld! Kramer made an entra-" began Crazy Hand. Master Hand handed (ha!) him a memo, giggling to himself.

"Previously on Friends! Joey and Chandler challeng-" began Crazy Hand. Master Hand handed (never gets old!) him another memo, laughing quite clearly.

"Previously on the six o'clock news!" restarted Crazy Hand, looking proud of himself. "Six teams left New Pork City, and travelled to the Mushroom Kingdom! Getting a flight out of New Pork City proved troublesome, and many teams resorted to standby and connecting flights!"

"_All flights to the Mushroom Kingdom are overbooked," replied the attendant._

"_Damn!" yelled Mewtwo. "Why's it so hard to get to the Mushroom Kingdom?!"_

"_Because it's the home of Nintendo's biggest star?" asked the attendant cautiously._

_Mewtwo's eye twitched._

"_STAR THIS!" raged Mewtwo, throwing the attendant into the fiery depths of Mount Doom._

"Teams then proceeded to Bob-omb Battlefield, where Ike and Pit encountered their Speed Bump!"

_Ike threw Ragnell through the storm of bombs and bullets into Chain Chomp's eye, distracting all the bombs. Pit flew past them all and planted the nuke._

"_Okay, done," said Pit._

"_Here's the clue," grinned King Bob-omb, not realising how screwed he was._

"Mewtwo tricked Jigglypuff into thwarting the only chance her boyfriend Ike had at catching up!"

"_I'm talking about the Fast Forward, you dunce!" raged Mewtwo, showing Jigglypuff the green pamphlet that came with the clue. "If we don't take it now, one of the two teams behind us will!"_

"_Like who?" asked Jigglypuff._

"_Like Mario and Bowser!" replied Mewtwo._

"_Haven't they done one?" asked Jigglypuff._

"_FINE!" shouted Mewtwo. "Pit and-oops...Pit and...Marth! Pit and Marth will take it!"_

"_Those fiends!" cried Jigglypuff. "Okay, let's do it!"_

"Ganondorf suffered a serious injury, which set them back for a considerable delay!"

_Roy checked Ganondorf's foot._

"_It's not that bad," lied Roy._

_Ganondorf had poisoned himself by getting asbestos from the castle stuck in an open wound from one of Roy's night terror attacks._

"Kirby ran out of drugs, but Ness was spared an excess of abuse by Marth and Fox!"

"_It's about damn time!" fumed Kirby, drinking some scotch. "I thought we'd never end this freaking leg!"_

"_Oh, no!" gasped Ness. "I forgot to give you your drugs! You're a jerk again! Oh tragedy!"_

_Marth and Fox walked over, and handed Ness a syringe._

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff Fast Forwarded their way into first!"

"_Welcome to Tiny-Huge Island!" greeted a Goomba._

"_Whatever," replied Mewtwo, killing its family._

"_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you are team number one!" awarded Crazy Hand proudly._

_Jigglypuff let out a squeal of delight and hugged Mewtwo. Mewtwo poisoned her bottled water._

"And in the end, Ike and Pit succumbed to love-loss and HIV, and were eliminated!"

"_We overcame a lot of adversity on the show," sniffed Ike. "We ended up hours behind, got a Speed Bump, blew up a municipality, kidnapped a baby penguin, and I lost the love of my life, but at least we went out with a bang,"_

"Five teams remain, who will be eliminated next?" wondered Crazy Hand.

* * *

The Teams! (with their secret to success)

Mewtwo/Jigglypuff (Inter-team "relationships")

Kirby/Ness (wide-eyed enthusiasm, wonder, ama-who am I kidding, drugs)

Mario/Bowser (tireless characters, tiresome bickering)

Marth/Fox (only remaining team left who actually like each other?)

Roy/Ganondorf (um...I'll get back to you after the Shopping Spree/Naval War Detour)

* * *

"This is Tiny-Huge Island!" smiled Crazy Hand, indicating the island behind him. "A changing world that fluctuates between proportions! And this land, seen in Super Mario 64, was the seventh pit stop in a race around the world! Teams arrived here at the end of the last leg for a mandatory rest period, where they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams!"

_Roy and Ganondorf were drinking a low-carb energy drink and some grog respectively, before realising their errors and trading._

_Fox was passed out with several kegs of I Can't Believe It's Not Grog! scattered around him._

_Mario, Mewtwo, and Roy took turns setting Ganondorf's new pegleg on fire while he slept._

_The ten remaining racers got drunk and began eating pictures of the eliminated racers, culminating in Jigglypuff scarfing down an entire Kid Icarus cartridge followed by a Donkey Kong arcade machine._

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, who were the first to arrive at 10:02am, will depart at 10:02pm!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__1__st__ to Depart, 10:02am_

Mewtwo took a deep, cleansing breath as he prepared to open the next clue. For convenience, production had placed the departing teams at the doors of Peach's Castle.

"I can't believe Ike had sex with Pit!" blurted out Jigglypuff suddenly.

"Uh, nooo..." said Mewtwo. "Pit got AIDS from a foot."

"Well, we'll beat Ike this leg!" said Jigglypuff assertively. "That'll teach him to cheat on me!"

"Ike and Pit got eliminated," said Mewtwo. "They left the race about nine hours ago!"

"Oh," replied Jigglypuff, calming down.

"Anyway, let's see this clue," said Mewtwo. "Make your way to Trial City..."

"_Teams must now make their way to Trial City, site of the City Trial (!) level in Kirby Air Ride!" said Crazy Hand. "Once teams arrive in the city, they will receive their next clue from Tac!"_

"You have 120 for this leg of the race," added Mewtwo, quickly flicking through the notes.

_Kirby and Ness  
__2__nd__ to Depart, 12:24am_

"I'm goin' home!" cheered Kirby loudly.

"You're goin' home!" replied Ness just as loudly.

Kirby and Ness skipped along merrily, taking the money from the rest of the clue.

_Ness_

"Our racing really improved since I started drugging Kirby," said Ness in an interview. "In New Pork City we were in the middle, but then we came second last leg! I guess happiness pays off!"

Suddenly, the film in the camera became grainy.

"But sometimes it's best to be sad..." said Ness darkly. "Or angry! Or punishing! Or even vengeful!"

Lightning crackled in the background as Ness laughed evilly.

The film returned to normal.

"I'm having a great time!" grinned Ness.

_Mario and Bowser  
__3__rd__ to Depart, 12:35am_

"Trial City, I think that's from the Kirbyverse!" said Bowser, thinking quickly.

"Alright-a, go! If there's anyone-a to beat this leg, it's-a Kirby!" said Mario. "He'll know where to go-a!"

Mario and Bowser hopped in a cab.

"I'm-a Mario!" said Mario immediately. The driver drove past Kirby and Ness.

_Marth and Fox  
__4__th__ to Depart, 12:43am_

"We have 120 for this leg of the race, is that right man?" asked Fox, stowing away the clue while Marth counted the money.

"Yep, we got it dude," replied Marth, getting in the cab. "To the nearest airport!"

"We better hurry, man," said Fox. "Roy and Ganon could start any minute!"

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Last to Depart, 1:45am_

"We arrr an hour behind," said Roy. "But that's not so bad, especially since the four othaaarr teams have been caught in traffic!"

"Like, I think I can get used to life with one foot!" smiled Ganondorf. "I feel ready to not make any more mistakes!"

"So, wharr are we going?" asked Roy.

"Oh, right, the clue," said Ganondorf, opening the clue. "Like, make your way to Trial City,"

Roy and Ganondorf's cab passed the frats' cab.

"Arr, awesome!" grinned Roy.

"...and we have 120 for this leg of the race!" ended Ganondorf, completely oblivious to what had happened. "Like, I sure hope we can catch up!"

_Mushroom Kingdom Airport  
__Aww hell no, not more airport drama!_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Here's the departures area!" said Mewtwo, getting out of the cab. After Jigglypuff jumped out, Mewtwo used his mind to teleport the driver to an alternate dimension.

Jigglypuff's jaw dropped.

"Oh like I need a reason anymore," said Mewtwo angrily, reading the expression on Jigglypuff's face.

"Hey friend," said a friendly person. "Are you trying to get a flight to Pop Star? In the Kirby universe?"

"I hardly think that's any of your freaking business, now is it?" asked Mewtwo tersely, throwing the man against a wall.

"B-but I just wanted to tell you-"

THWACK! Broken arm.

"-that if you-"

THWACK! Pyrokinetics.

"-head to the domestic terminal-"

THWACK! Slaughtered family.

"-you find the best flights!" finished the man, panting heavily.

"Oh, thanks buddy!" grinned Mewtwo, giving the man a thumbs-up.

"I'm also in this scene!" smiled Jigglypuff, waving.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mario and Bowser ran out of their cab, but stopped at the sight of the Pokemon.

"Looks-a like Mewtwo and Jigs are leaving Departures-a!" said Mario.

"Should we follow them?" wondered Bowser aloud.

"Sure-a!" said Mario. "They'll know what they're doing-a! He's a genius-a psychic or something-a!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Wow, lucky the domestic terminal was only within walking distance!" smiled Jigglypuff broadly.

"Damnation and bothersome fudge!" roared Mewtwo offensively. "The ticket counter's closed til morning! How predictable!"

Jigglypuff checked the sign.



"Well, it opens at 6:30am!" smiled Jigglypuff. "And since it took us about seven to eight hours of offscreen driving where nothing of interest happened to anyone at all, it must be opening any minute now!"

"It's 5," replied Mewtwo, checking his built-in clock system. Hey, he's psychic. He could have one o' those.

"Oh," replied Jigglypuff.

Kirby and Ness arrived and gave the other two teams a warm greeting.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Like, know where we can get a flight to Trial City?" Ganondorf asked a bleeding aflame man who inexplicably feared Mewtwo.

"Stay away from that purple cat!" cried the man at once. "He'll kill you! Just come into my office for safety!"

"Arr...okay..." said Roy hesitantly, following the man.

Roy and Ganondorf walked into a tiny office, where the man accessed a list of flight details on the internet.

"Okay, let me just print this off..." said the man. "I turned down the strangest people..."

"Really?" asked Ganondorf.

"Yeah!" replied the man. "After the cat there was Mario, but he was teamed up with Bowser! Clearly they were actors from the Mario theme park they're building. Then some pink puffball and a kid walked up and asked me if I appreciated life's little nuances!"

"We have no idea who any of them are, n'yarrgh..." said Ganondorf at once.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

The frats pulled up in their cab, and Marth caught sight of the tails of Ganondorf's cape whipping out from a doorway.

"Dude, Fox!" said Marth. "Ganondorf's in there, bro!"

"Let's eavesdrop, man," suggested Fox.

Marth and Fox slinked up as close as they could to Roy and Ganondorf without being noticed.

"Dude, we just need to hear what flight they're getting," whispered Marth. "Then we can get the same thing,"

"We just have to stay unseen, man," replied Fox.

"Dude, shut up!" hissed Marth. "I can't hear any more!"

Marth walked into the small room.

"Like, what are you doing?" asked Ganondorf, annoyed. "We've been trying to get information, and you guys are totally leeching off of us!"

"Well, uh...y'see..." began Marth, drumming his fingers.

Outside, the sound of a palm hitting a face could be heard.

"You better be able to hear them, man!" grunted Fox from outside.

"I can, dude, no worries," replied Marth, not taking his eyes off of Ganondorf, who was snarling at him, and Roy, who was ignoring everyone but the man giving them information.

"Like, get out," said Ganondorf simply.

Marth whipped back around to look at Fox, and winked.

"Mario and Bowser, you asses!" called Marth loudly and pointedly. "Why'd you shove me into this room, dudes? Can't you see Roy and Ganon are busy?"

"Just come back here, man!" shouted Fox, exasperated.

"Why didn't you play along, dude?" asked Marth, heartbroken.

Roy stood up from the chair he was sitting in, and faced Marth.

"Yarr, begone college fraternity brothers!" chastised Roy, beating Marth with a stick. "Find yarr own info!"

_Domestic Flights_

"So, the three lead teams- that is, myself and Kirby, the Pokemon, and Mario and Bowser worked out that we can fly through Shiver Star to get to Trial City," revealed Ness.

An angry mob formed behind the three teams.

"You four have been working the terminal for hours!" raged a Koopa at the front of the mob. "The two puffballs, the kid, and that stupid cat thing! Move it, right now!"

Ness opened his mouth to protest, but Mewtwo threw him aside, and opened his...mind...to murder. Mario stepped in front of Mewtwo.

"Sorry-a folks, they're with me, blessed art thou!" grinned Mario. "So if-a you want to take your mob back-a bit, that'd be great!"

"We don't have to listen to you, Mario!" fumed the Koopa.



"But you _do_ have to listen to me," interjected Bowser, glaring at the mob.

"L-lord Bowser?!" stammered the Koopa, dropping his torch.

"That is correct," said Bowser coldly. "Now, why are you not guarding the castle, as I instructed!"

"Because you've been at a mansion somewhere since 2001," replied the Koopa.

"Excuses are not good enough!" roared Bowser. "What of my children!"

"Well, your septuplets viciously murdered their younger brother," said a Goomba towards the back of the mob.

"...I have eight kids?" asked Bowser. "Don't I only have one? Who are the other seven?"

"Um, Roy, Morton, Wendy, Larry – " began the mob collectively.

Bowser nodded understandably.

" – Ludwig, Iggy, and Lemmy..." finished the crowd.

"How dare you?!" raged Bowser. "How dare you insult my intelligence by implying I would be stupid enough to name my children Iggy, or whatever nonsense!"

_Departure Office_

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Yarr, we found a flight that goes through Rock Star, but we don't know the time," revealed Roy. "But we have to go book at domestic like all the otharrrs, so we hope they don't catch wind of our flight,"

Roy and Ganondorf left the office.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

The frats watched the schizos leave, and immediately huddled together.

"Do you have a plan now, man?" asked Fox.

"No, dude," replied Marth. "You think we should stay here, or follow the schizos again?"

"We need to get to Trial City somehow, bro," said Fox, gritting his teeth anxiously. "Let's just go to domestic with everyone else,"

_Domestic Flights_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__On 8:30 Shiver Star Flight_

"Excellent, a flight leaving at 8:30," laughed Mewtwo triumphantly. "Now our lead can continue to flourish!"

"Um-a, have you forgot-a about us?" asked Mario, holding up tickets to the same flight.

"Yeah, we're on too," said Kirby, showing Mewtwo his ticket.

"Good for you guys!" grinned Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo pinned Jigglypuff against a wall and made her larynx constrict on itself.

"IT IS NOT GOOD FOR THEM!" shouted Mewtwo angrily.

Bowser, Kirby and Ness backed away cautiously. Mario applauded.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Yarr, looks like everyone else already got a flight," noted Roy.

"Like, should we stick with our Rock Star one?" asked Ganondorf.

"Yep, we didn't waste time in that thar office fer nothing," said Roy pointedly.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

Marth and Fox made their way to domestic, with Marth looking unhappily at the four other teams.

"Dude, you really shouldn't have barged into that office," said Marth sadly.

"Oh, nice man," replied Fox bitterly. "It was definitely _me,_ I forgot..."

"I think we should just run our own race, dude," decided Marth.

"Man, that's what we were doing until recently!" chastised Fox.

"Don't yell, bro!" replied Marth, holding a hand up defensively.

"Whatever, let's just refresh ourselves by doing our own thing," decided Fox.

Marth nodded, then turned to the domestic flights desk.

"Ness!" called Marth. "Kirby! Dudes, what flight are you on?"

Fox facepalmed again.



"Shiver Star, 8:30!" called Ness back.

"Bro, let's just take that one," said Fox resignedly. "At least that means Roy and Ganon will be alone on their flight, and that usually spells certain doom for a team. Kind of a repetitive flow we got goin' on here,"

Marth stared blankly into space.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf walked urgently up to a ticket agent's desk.

"Arr, can ye help us to get a flight from here to Shiver Star to Trial City?" asked Roy nervously, leaning on the desk.

"No, sorry," replied the ticket agent. "We can't sell you that flight; it's a frequent flyer-only bonus flight,"

"Like, but we're on a TV show!" whined Ganondorf. "Can't you make an exception?"

The agent sighed. "I can get a travel agent if you want..."

"Great!" smiled Ganondorf.

The ticket agent snapped his fingers, and a travel agent Shy Guy jumped up from under the desk.

"Follow me to mah agencihhh!" declared the Shy Guy in his Southern accent.

"Like, okay!" smiled Ganondorf, in his whiny Californian accent.

"Yarr," agreed Roy in some kind of Scandinavian brogue.

The Shy Guy took Roy and Ganondorf to his limo.

"If this works, y'all be in Trial City befaww all the dang others!" grinned Shy Guy.

"Great!" smiled Roy. "We won't have to worry about the others, y'arrgh!"

_Peach's Castle – Shiver Star Flight  
__Departed at 8:30am_

"_Kirby and Ness, Marth and Fox, Mario and Bowser, and Mewtwo and Jigglypuff are on the first flight to Shiver Star, where they will have to make arrangements to travel to Trial City!" reminded Crazy Hand._

_Mushroom Kingdom Travel Agency_

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Here's mah office!" smiled Shy Guy, stepping out of the limo.

Roy and Ganondorf hopped out eagerly, but their faces fell.

"It's like, closed," said Ganondorf.

"This ain't supposed to happen!" panicked the Shy Guy, taking out a cell phone. "I'll git on the line with mah supervisahs!"

"Yarr, we're screwed," lamented Roy.

"Yeah, like, you have to do this now, little red thing," urged Ganondorf.

"We'll do it!" said the Shy Guy. "Don't you worry you pretty li'l head!"

* * *

**OCs Get Ripped On-Er, I Mean The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race Season 2: Open Casting Call!**

"So, applicant one," said Crazy Hand, sitting at a desk at the pit stop. "Your name is...Killer, correct,"

"Yes," replied a black echidna.

"And your description is..." began Crazy Hand.

"I'm a black Knuckles," said Killer. "Enough said,"

"You do know the echidnas died out and Knuckles is the last one left, right?" asked Crazy Hand.

"Well, um..." began Killer hesitantly, before breaking down. "OKAY FINE! I'M A TENREC, OKAY?! A TENREC!"

Killer burst into tears.

* * *

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Like, what do we do if your supervisors don't show up?" asked Ganondorf nervously.

"They will, they will," replied the Shy Guy.

Two tuxedo wearing Koopas appeared.

"Told ya," said Shy Guy.

"Yarr, okay so we can fly through Rock Star?" asked Roy hopefully.

The Koopas checked their executive Commodore 64s, and shook their heads.

"That flight is fully booked," said one of them.



"We made a huge mistake," groaned Ganondorf. "Now we're like, gonna come last..."

_Shiver Star Airport_

_Mario and Bowser  
__On 1__st__ Machine Passage Flight_

The flight landed, and the four teams spread out to find good connecting flights.

Mario and Bowser hung back, and talked to the attendant of the flight they had just left.

"I can get you a fast one to Machine Passage, where you can take a bullet train to Trial City," revealed the attendant.

"Great!" grinned Bowser. "Let's book it! Do any other people who look like they might be in a rush like us know about it?"

"Yes, two fellows asked me back in Mushroom Kingdom," said the attendant. "I believe their names were Marth and Fox...anyway, they'll be on your Machine Passage flight,"

"Crap-a," said Mario simply.

_Kirby and Ness  
__On 1__st__ Celestial Valley Flight_

"Looks like Mario and Bowser and the frats have something..." said Ness warily.

"I've got us a flight here!" smiled Kirby. "Let me just check something..."

Kirby leaned on the desk.

"This flight to Celestial Valley, where we take a train to Trial City," said Kirby. "It's the fastest way to get there?"

"Yes," smiled the Waddle Dee.

"Now remember my friend, if you're lying..." threatened Kirby.

"I know, you'll eat my family," sighed the Waddle Dee.

"No, actually," said Kirby. "I've reformed! All I'll do is give you a stern talking to!"

The Waddle Dee breathed a sigh of relief.

"**I'll** eat your family," corrected Ness.

...

Kirby and Ness took off alone on their flight.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__On 2__nd__ Machine Passage Flight_

"You need to take a train once you reach Machine Passage," said the same attendant who had helped Mario and Bowser.

"Excellent," said Mewtwo absent-mindedly, writing down the information.

"But the first flight left," finished the attendant. "Couple college guys and Mario made it,"

"Drat!" fumed Mewtwo, killing the agent. "We'll have to get the next one! At least we're ahead of Kirby and Ness!"

"Are you sure?" asked Jigglypuff.

"**DON'T SPEAK WHEN I'M THINKING!**" answered Mewtwo quietly.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__On 1__st__ Direct Machine Passage Flight_

Roy and Ganondorf stood around nervously, waiting for something to happen. Eventually, one of the Koopas looked up at them.

"We can get you straight to Celestial Valley," said the Koopa. "There are airlines that are offering flights to Shiver Star that then go to Machine Passage, but ours may be faster,"

"Arr, done!" said Roy at once.

"Like, I hope everyone else went to that slower one!" smiled Ganondorf hopefully.

"_Teams are now making their way to Trial City from other Kirby Air Ride areas, except for Kirby and Ness, who are flying to Celestial Valley from Shiver Star! Mario and Bowser and Marth and Fox are on the first flight to Machine Passage, with Mewtwo and Jigglypuff on the second one! Roy and Ganondorf are flying directly from the Mushroom Kingdom to Celestial Valley! No matter what flight, all teams must board a train to reach Trial City!" summarised Crazy Hand._

_1__st__ Shiver Star – Machine Passage Flight_

_Arrived at 12:30pm_

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"The train-a doesn't leave until 10 tonight," Mario told the camera. "So Bowser-a and I decided to hang around with some locals-a and ask them what kind of stuff's-a in Trial City,"

"Are you done talking to that thing?" asked Bowser, holding a Waddle Dee.

"Yeah, all finished-a," replied Mario.

"Good, now let's do this," said Bowser, lifting the Waddle Dee up in a half-nelson.

"Alright-a, alright-a," sighed Mario, punching him. The Waddle Dee's wallet fell out.

"Heh, it's a Wallet Dee!" laughed Bowser.

Mario stole Bowser's wallet.

"Heh, it's-a penniless hobo!" laughed Mario, pointing at Bowser.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Dude, there's gotta be a better way of getting into Trial City," said Marth nervously, looking over at Mario and Bowser.

"Don't sweat it man, we're doing fine," replied Fox.

"Psst, over here," hissed a sinister looking hamster. "Name's Rick, I can get you onto a train goes to Celestial Valley, and they have an earlier Trial City one ,"

"Dude, awesome!" cheered Marth.

"Yeah, see the only ones that know about it are some pirate guy and his girlfriend, and two drugged out kids," said Rick. "You'll be on the train with them, and you'll arrive in Trial City around the same time as 'em,"

"Let's go, man!" grinned Fox. "When's it leave?"

"Soon enough," said Rick. "Soon enough..."

"Sweet," replied Marth.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"We're here!" grinned Jigglypuff. "There's Mario and Bowser!"

"Greetings, pathetic opponents," greeted Mewtwo. "Where are the fraternity brothers?"

"Oh-a," chuckled Mario. "You should have seen it-a, they made arrangements to hook up on a train with a freaking-a hamster!"

Everyone chuckled.

"Wait, why is that funny?" asked Mewtwo.

"Yeah, I don't get it," said Jigglypuff.

"Me neither, actually," admitted Bowser.

"I think-a they might actually be ahead of us," said Mario.

_Celestial Valley_

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"We just got a jump on two teams, bro!" cheered Marth, hopping off of the train.

"I just hope the hamster didn't screw us over, man!" said Fox.

"Look, there's Roy and Ganon, dude! And Kirby and Ness!" grinned Marth ecstatically, pointing at the other two teams.

"Wow man, I thought Roy and Ganondorf were way out in front since they went to that office guy," remarked Fox.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Arr, look!" alerted Roy. "It be Marrrrth and Fox!"

"Like, this is great!" smiled Ganondorf. "We took a risk and it paid off! Now the worst place we're in right now is number three!"

"Fellas, the train's leaving for Trial City," said Kirby, walking up to Roy. "Ness is telling the frats, shall we board?"

The three teams boarded the train to Trial City.

"_All teams are now on trains to Trial City!" said Crazy Hand. "Roy and Ganondorf, Kirby and Ness, and Marth and Fox are on the first train from Celestial Valley, while Mario and Bowser and Mewtwo and Jigglypuff are on the second train from Machine Passage!"_

_Trial City  
__1__st__ Train Arrived From Celestial Valley_

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Okay, so we're on our way to get the next clue from this Tac guy," remembered Ness. "You know him?"

"Yes, in fact he steals stuff," replied Kirby. "A misguided young man..."

"Okay, great," replied Ness, bored.

"I believe he can be found in that building over there," said Kirby, pointing at a building around the corner. "That's where he hides after crimes,"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Dude, Kirby and Ness are headed towards that building!" cried Marth. "Stop 'em!"

"Bro, we're so much faster. Chillax," replied Fox.

Marth and Fox outran the slower paced Kirby and Ness to the building.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Cause we're the pirates, who don't do anything, we just stay at home, and lie around..." sang Roy.

"Like, god no!" despaired Ganondorf. "I thought your iPod was destroyed!"

"Yarr, I purcharrrsed this mp3 compatible wristband at the train station gift shop," replied Roy.

Ganondorf cried into his hands.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Tac approached the frats, who ran into the small warehouse-looking building out of breath.

"Dude, this place looks suspicious," noted Marth nervously.

"I know, I got the creeps man," agreed Fox.

"'ey, you got a problem with it, you get right outta here," protested Tac, lighting up a cigar.

"We got no problem, dude," said Marth quickly.

"Good," muttered Tac. "Now take your clue, and don't ask any questions. Keep those pretty mouths shut, y'hear?"

"Okay man, we don't want any trouble," said Fox defensively, raising his hands. "Let's see, go to the Trial City Stadium..."

"_Teams must now make their way to the Trial City Stadium!" announced Crazy Hand. "Once there, teams must take a marked elevator down to a reserved balcony, where they will find their next clue!"_

"Let's go dude," said Marth. "Fast,"

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Kirby and Ness appeared and confronted Tac.

"Oh, it's _you_. Great," said Tac dispassionately, staring at Kirby.

"Hello Tac, I'm back in town," greeted Kirby.

Ness looked nervously between the two...things.

"Look, here's your clue, just go," said Tac. "I don't want to start anything,"

"Awesome," thanked Kirby awkwardly.

"Thanks..." smiled Ness sheepishly, backing out of the room.

_2__nd__ Train Arrived From Machine Passage_

Mario and Bowser and the Pokemon arrived.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"We're not that-a far behind!" cheered Mario.

"Yeah, we just need to find the next clue faster," agreed Bowser.

"STOP FIGHTING WITH ME-A!" whined Mario.

Bowser sighed. "You might just be the angriest, most irrational person on this race..."

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"WE'RE BEHIND!" raged Mewtwo, throwing Jigglypuff out of the train station window. "This is unacceptable! If we come anywhere below fourth, so help me God I will freaking _end_ you,"

"B-but there's only one place below fourth-" began Jigglypuff.

"SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH!" fumed Mewtwo.

"If Mario wasn't around, you would be the angriest, most irrational person on this race!" observed Jigglypuff.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf ran into Tac's building hastily.

"Can I help you?" asked Tac, raising an eyebrow.

"Arr, yeah, we need a, oh excuse me –" began Roy, before turning up the volume on his wristband. "Wake up, are you alive, will you listen to me?! Oh, arr, sorry, yeah we need a clue..."

"Like, I'm so sorry about him Mr. Thief Man..." apologised Ganondorf embarrassedly.

"Whatever," sighed Tac, taking a drag of his cigar and handing Ganondorf the clue.

_Trial City Stadium_

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

The frats ran into the stadium, and walked over to the Waddle Dee receptionist.

"Is it this elevator here, little man?" asked Fox, pointing at an elevator to the left.

"No, I think you two want the 'Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race Personnel Only' one that's right over there, bigger than the others, and painted red and yellow," replied the Waddle Dee.

...

...

"Dude, that would make more sense," nodded Marth in a subdued tone. Fox glared at him.

"Let's just go, bro," sighed Fox, getting in.

"At least we'll see the others, dude," reminded Marth. "Get an idea of how far ahead we are,"

"Not very, the second train just got here!" panicked Fox.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff ran into Tac's building, or rather Mewtwo ripped the wall off and threw it at Tac.

"You will surrender the clue to me, now," threatened Mewtwo.

"He's dead," noticed Jigglypuff.

"Jolly good," said Mewtwo, picking up a clue and leaving. "Now let's annihilate Mario and Bowser!"

A police Waddle Dee cleared his breath.

"In competition only," clarified Mewtwo.

"Good," said the Waddle Dee cop sternly.

"Nah, I'm lying," admitted Mewtwo, burning the Waddle Dee.

"I just roll with it at this point," Jigglypuff told the camera.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Here's the stadium!" smiled Ness. "Kirby, what kind of stuff do they play here?"

"Oh, all kinds of stuff, we really should go some time!" grinned Kirby.

"We're here now," pointed out Ness.



"Oh," said Kirby. "Yippee!"

Kirby jumped in the air and clicked his heels.

"Are you...too happy?" asked Ness uneasily.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Marth and Fox ran out of the elevator, and grabbed a clue from the balcony.

"Aw dude, it's the Detour!" Marth told Fox, checking the clue. "Derby or Melee?"

"_A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Detour, teams must choose between two of the Stadium events: Destruction Derby or Kirby Melee!"_

"_In Derby, teams must go to the Magma Flows Arena and join a Destruction Derby! Their objective is simple: defeat the instructor! However, the instructor will be driving a Rex Wheelie, whilst teams only get Compact Stars!"_

"_In Melee, teams must go to the Fantasy Meadows Arena, and defeat fifteen enemies in a Kirby Melee! This may seem easy as the enemies die in one hit, but the teams are not allowed to injure anyone else but the enemies, which can be tricky in such a small battlefield!"_

"Dude, Derby?" asked Marth.

"Yeah man, I'd say so," nodded Fox. "Hurry up, cause Kirby and Ness are here!"

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Detour! Derby or Melee?" asked Kirby.

"Derby, I suppose," decided Ness quickly.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"We've-a got the clue!" grinned Mario, prying a clue from Tac's corpse.

"Well, evidently Mewtwo already got to this guy," realised Bowser, surveying the corpse with disgust.

"That means-a we're last!" panicked Mario. "Get into gear-a!"

He slapped Bowser's behind.

"What the crap was that?" asked Bowser. "We're not in college anymore, the time for that has passed!"



"Do you think-a the frats ever do that to each other-a?" asked Mario.

"Stop saying stuff!" whimpered Bowser.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Like, here's the stadium!" cheered Ganondorf. "I think we're still in third, so that's fine!"

"Arr, that be correct," agreed Roy. "I just hope the two in front of us get held up somehow, n'yarr..."

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Dude, why is our elevator going away from the Magma Flows arena?" asked Marth.

"Aww man!" complained Fox. "We took the wrong one!"

"Are you sure, bro?" asked Marth.

Marth and Fox stepped out into the Fantasy Meadows arena where a Kirby Melee was taking place.

"Yeah, kinda," replied Fox.

"Go with the flow, dude," shrugged Marth. "No point wastin' time now, we might as well do this one,"

"Looks like we have to kill fifteen Plasma Wisps," noticed Fox, checking a sign. "Let's get started!"

Fox fired a warning shot into the crowd. The shot missed everyone entirely, and pandemonium erupted as the crowd dispersed and began running around wildly in circles.

"Crap," crapped Fox. Oops, I mean said Fox.

_Kirby and Ness  
__On Derby  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"I think the frat boys took the wrong elevator," noticed Ness, getting out into the Magma Flows arena.

"True, I don't see them," agreed Kirby.

"Wow, it's hot!" gasped Ness. "Sure is a good thing I wear shorts!"

"Sure is a good thing I don't wear anything!" chuckled Kirby, nudging Ness enthusiastically. "Eh? Eh?!"

"I'm scared now," admitted Ness.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"I can't remember anything...can't tell if this is true or dream..." muttered Roy, crying silently.

"Um, like what?" asked Ganondorf.

"Arr, I meant Detour. Of course," said Roy.

"Derby or Melee?" asked Ganondorf. "I say Derby!"

"Yarr, I be agreein'," agreed Roy. "Let's go!"

Roy and Ganondorf ran towards the elevator that smelled more like kegs than illicit medication. (Foreshadow! Foreshadow!)

_Marth and Fox  
__On Melee  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Dude, I have a plan!" cried Marth. "I'm-a get right into the crowd and kick some ass!"

"I think that's the point of the-" began Fox, but Marth had already ran towards the crowd of assorted characters.

Fox sighed.

"Well, can't let that dude have all the fun!" reasoned Fox, dashing after Marth.

"Dude, is this a great plan or what?" asked Marth, slicing down a Plasma Wisp that was in his way.

"I'll admit, it might be, bro," chuckled Fox, shooting another one between the eyes.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"So, we're on Compact Stars?" Kirby checked with the Waddle Dee instructor.

"Kirby, these things look kind of...plastic..." whispered Ness.

"They are," said the Waddle Dee. "Now if you'll excuse me, it's time to play chicken over a pit of lava. My motorbike which is five times the size of your plastic kiddie star against said star."

Ness gulped.

"Don't worry, safety is very important to us here," smiled a Waddle Dee.

Both the instructor and Kirby and Ness mounted their machines.

The Waddle Dee instructor charged at Kirby and Ness.

Ness panicked and put up a PSI Magnet.

Kirby ate the Waddle Dee.

...

"Our next clue!" rejoiced Kirby. "Make your way to Trial City Hangar..."

"_Teams must now make their way to Trial City Hangar, and follow the marked path to the docking area for Meta-Knight's battleship, the Halberd!" said Crazy Hand. "It is here where teams will find their next clue!"_

"Let's take off!" declared Kirby.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf ran off of the elevator and stormed into...

...the Fantasy Meadows arena.

"Pepperoni and green peppers, mushrooms, olives, chives!" smiled Roy.

Ganondorf shot Roy a dirty look.

"Arr, I mean fie and villainy!" scowled Roy. "Wrong elevataaarrrr!"

"Let's backtrack!" cried Ganondorf. "This Detour might be taking the frats too much time!"

"We're doing fine, babe," said Marth, winking at Ganondorf.

"I'm like, not a girl!" complained Ganondorf, before storming off.

_Marth and Fox  
__On Melee  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf stormed off.

"We're not doin' fine, dude," said Marth immediately.

"Why'd you call Ganondorf 'babe'?" asked Fox, teary-eyed.

"It didn't mean anything, dude!" said Marth heatedly. "You know I'll always love you, bro!"

"Oh, Marth! Man, how did I get so lucky?" sniffed Fox, drying his eyes.

"You got lucky by waking up, dude," smiled Marth. "Now wake up."

Fox was dreaming, having been put to sleep by a Sleep enemy.

"Damn, man..." sighed Fox.

"What were you dreaming about, dude?" asked Marth, slashing a Plasma Wisp.

"Uh...oh, you know...kegstands and hot chicks and stuff..." said Fox quickly.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__On Derby  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Arr, this be the right task fer me!" grinned Roy. "Man against man in epic combat!"

"Yeah!" agreed Ganondorf. "Now like, let's ride!"

Roy and Ganondorf's plastic Compact Stars moved extremely slowly compared to the huge motorbike charging at them.

"Arr, we be too heavy..." mourned Roy.

_Marth and Fox  
__On Melee  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"This is, what, eight?" asked Marth, stabbing a Plasma Wisp in the face.

"Eight, yeah man..." said Fox absent-mindedly, daydreaming.

"Well, my perfectly toned arms hurt like hell. Dude, you take over!" encouraged Marth. "Show me what you're made of, impress me!"

Fox's heart skipped a beat.

"O-okay!" grinned Fox nervously.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__On Derby  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Like, I think we might just explode and die," worried Ganondorf.

"Arr, it looks like it be that way going," agreed Roy.

"Wait a minute, don't you like, have a sword?" asked Ganondorf.

"Yarr," nodded Roy.

Roy took out his sword and showed Ganondorf.

The second Waddle Dee instructor drove face-first into the sword, losing control and an eye.

...



"Make your way to like, Trial City Hangar!" read Ganondorf, taking a clue.

_Marth and Fox  
__On Melee  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Fox nervously walked up to the crowd of enemies, knowing Marth was watching.

"Listen here, Plasma Wisps!" said Fox shakily. "I'm-I'm here to kill you!"

The Plasma Wisps gave Fox a wedgie and stole his lunch money.

Marth burst out laughing.

"Aw, man..." lamented Fox, silent tears trickling down his face.

* * *

"So, hopeful applicants for season two!" grinned Crazy Hand. "I see you two arrived as a pair! May I ask you for your names?"

"I am Prime," said a fox who looked exactly like Tails except black. No other changes at all. Not one. "I am Tails, but better. Faster. Stronger."

Crazy Hand sighed. "And you?"

"I'm Prime," said a Shadow pallet-swap. "I'm Shadow, except red and black instead of black and red. We're definitely two different people!"

"And you have the same name," pointed out Crazy Hand.

"Yes, but we're still unique OCs!" said one of the Primes.

"Unique my ass," argued Crazy Hand. "Listen to what I'm telling you: You have the same name. As each other. And you are both just pallet swaps of Sonic characters. Do you _know_ how many of them we get a year?!"

"But we're stronger-" began another Prime.

"Bzzt, wrong," debunked Crazy Hand. "Neither of you have any proof of strength. Meanwhile, Shadow is the Ultimate Life Form, is immortal, and the greatest creation of a super-genius. Tails is eight years old, weighs the same as an average fox, yet he can still break robots with his tails. You know, the tails that have no bones in them and are fluffy and painless?"

Both Primes burst into tears.

"Next!" bellowed Crazy Hand.

* * *

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_



"The hangar's down a few more streets, Ness!" called Kirby, running as fast as he could.

"I think we're in first!" replied Ness. "I don't see the frat boys anywhere!"

"I hope they're OK!" called Kirby.

_Marth and Fox  
__On Melee  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Wait, isn't there some kind of move thing we can do to kill guys, dude?" asked Marth, getting exhausted.

"I think so, man!" agreed Fox, wiping away the last tear. "Lemme try radio Corneria..."

Fox tapped into his radio carefully, then shouted "LANDMASTER!"

A Landmaster fell from the sky, crushing several Plasma Wisps.

"Dude, that only puts us up to fourteen," pointed out Marth.

"LANDMASTER!" shouted Fox again.

A second Landmaster crushed the last Plasma Wisp.

Marth opened the clue, while backing away slightly from Fox.

"Make your way to Trial City Hangar..." read Marth.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"We're here!" rejoiced Ness, slumping against the Halberd's wall while Kirby retrieved the clue.

"Road Block!" read Kirby. "Who's the most accurate? I think I am right now,"

"_A Road Block is a task only one person can perform!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Road Block, that person must enter one of the Halberd's five turrets, and gun down a series of three targets, each bigger than the last! First target will be a bouncing item, then King Dedede, then Dyna Blade! Once a team finishes the task, they can run to the other side of the ship to the Halberd's cockpit, the pit stop for this leg of the race! The last team to check in here, may be eliminated!"_

"Ness, I'm doing this!" said Kirby. "You're too tired, and I know how Meta-Knight's weapons work!"

"But wait, where is Meta-Knight?" asked Ness.

"Sequesterville, they were eliminated!" replied Kirby.

"...He was in the race?" asked Ness.

"Yeah," replied Kirby.

"Wow," muttered Ness, looking confused.

Kirby jumped in the turret and started shooting wildly at a single bouncing Maxim Tomato. He missed horribly.

"This is gonna be hard..." lamented Kirby.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf ran aboard the Halberd.

"Show me what it's like!" sang Roy. "Arr, wait, backing vocals! Sandaldorf, help me out harrr!"

"No, Road Block!" read Ganondorf.

"Yarr, Show me what it's like!" persisted Roy.

Ganondorf sighed. "To be the last one standing..."

"And teach me wrong from right!" continued Roy enthusiastically.

"I'll show you what I can be..." sighed Ganondorf. "Okay, like, I'm doing the Road Block. To get away from y-because I want to."

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Damn, dude!" lamented Marth. "The druggies and schizos passed us!"

"Man, we should have just changed Detour!" groaned Fox.

"Anyway, Road Block!" read Marth.

"I'll do it, man. I have experience with guns and ships and whatever," said Fox.

_Kirby  
__Targets Hit: 0/3_

"I keep missing!" called Kirby.

"Just don't worry about it, you'll get it!" encouraged Ness, looking nervously at Fox and Ganondorf.

_Ganondorf  
__Targets Hit: 0/3_

"Like, this is tense!" gulped Ganondorf. "If Fox gets this, the lead we built up on them doing the better Detour could vanish!"

_Fox  
__Targets Hit: 0/3_

"Don't worry Marth, all I need to do is hold A to charge up shots!" grinned Fox.

Fox looked down at the control panel and saw it was nothing like an Arwing.

"Damn!" cried Fox.

"I believe in you, dude!" called Marth, oblivious to Fox's discovery.

_Trial City Stadium_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Detour, we're doing Melee, psychic powers, easy task," said Mewtwo sharply.

"But-" began Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo ripped Jigglypuff's eye out with his mind and forced it back in backwards.

"NO ARGUING!" yelled Mewtwo.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Detour-a!" called Mario. "What do you want-a to do?"

"Let's jut follow Mewtwo and Jigs," said Bowser.

"TOUGH SQUASH-A!" yelled Mario. "We're following Mewtwo-a and Jigs!"

"In that case, it's a stupid idea!" raged Bowser.

_Halberd_

_Ganondorf  
__Targets Hit: 0/3_

"Arr, yer shots be closer than anyone else's!" celebrated Roy. "And also: you take the breath right out of me, left a hole where my heart should be..."

Ganondorf was upset to discover he could not swivel the target around in a circle and shoot Roy.

_Fox  
__Targets Hit: 0/3_

"Dude, you can do this!" encouraged Marth. "Don't let those other two get you down! Bro, you're doing good!"

"I don't know man, I can't see if they're doing better!" panicked Fox.

_Kirby  
__Targets Hit: 1/3_

The Maxim Tomato bounced in front of Kirby's reticule, and Kirby fired.

"Did I get it?" asked Kirby, squeezing his eye shut.

Kirby's shot had scraped some of the skin off of the Maxim Tomato.

"That's good enough!" called Ness. "They're bringing in a King Dedede clone!"

_Fox  
__Targets Hit: 0/3_

"Come on, dude!" cheered Marth weakly, looking at the struggling Fox.

"I keep shooting above them, man!" admitted Fox sadly. "I can't get locked on!"

"Dude, as long as you beat Ganondorf!" called Marth.

_Ganondorf  
__Targets Hit: 1/3_

"Arr, hit the button now! Now! Now!" cried Roy, urging Ganondorf frantically.

Ganondorf pounded his fist on the control panel for the turret and stared at Roy angrily.

"Like, shut up!" cried Ganondorf.

"Arr, ye hit it," said Roy. "Mechanized Dedede off the port bow!"

_Kirby  
__Targets Hit: 2/3_

"Ness, I swear, I have a natural knack for destroying penguins," realised Kirby, looking at the smouldering Dedede robot clone wreckage he had created immediately.

"This is great!" cheered Ness. "Bring on the last target!"

_Fox  
__Targets Hit: 0/3_

"Come on Fox, get it man..." Fox muttered to himself, staring at the bouncing Maxim Tomato intently.

"Dude, every missed shot is motivating you more, I can feel it!" called Marth.

"This is too hard, bro!" called Fox, firing a shot that missed the Tomato.

_Trial City Stadium_

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"I think-a your idea is stupid!" snarled Mario.

"I think your plan is the same as mine!" argued Bowser.

"Well, I'm-a going this way!" whined Mario, running towards the Destruction Derby elevator.

"Fine!" raged Bowser, following him.

Mario muttered under his breath: "Excellent-a...I knew he'd argue and I'd get-a my way, now we're doing the task-a I wanted to do all along..."

Bowser muttered under his breath: "Excellent...I knew he'd argue and do something rash and stupid, and now we get to do the task I wanted to do all along..."

_Kirby  
__Targets Hit: 2/3_

Kirby watched in awe as a robotic Dyna Blade replica flew into view.

"Ness, this last one's a big target!" called Kirby. "This should be easy!"

Kirby turned back around, only to notice that the Dyna Blade replica was flying around at an extremely fast speed.

"Oh fiddlesticks," fiddlesticked Kirby.

_Ganondorf  
__Targets Hit: 1/3_

Ganondorf took another shot at the King Dedede replica.

"Like, Kirby blew that one up in a heartbeat!" complained Ganondorf. "Roy, gimme support!"

"Wish I may, wish I might, be someone else tonight..." hummed Roy.

Ganondorf punched Roy in the throat.

"Arr, ye can do it," said Roy, massaging his throat.

_Fox  
__Targets Hit: 0/3_

Fox screamed in frustration as another shot missed the Maxim Tomato.

"Bro, I think someone jacked the sights on this thing," said Fox desperately. He missed another shot. "Damnit!"



"Oh, come on dude! Overcome the sight jackage!" cried Marth, trying to think of new encouragement.

"Shut up..." muttered Fox under his breath.

_Mario and Bowser  
__On Derby_

Mario and Bowser ran into the Magma Flows track, and saw two dead Waddle Dees next to some damaged equipment.

"People have already-a been here, Bowser!" panicked Mario. "Is this easy-a?"

"Hurry up!" urged Bowser, already sitting on the Compact Star. "There's a guy about to run into us!"

"DON'T RUSH-A ME!" screamed Mario, throwing some wreckage at Bowser.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__On Melee_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff strolled casually into the Fantasy Meadows arena, and surveyed the crowd of enemies.

"Ahh, you know why I picked Melee, Jigs?" asked Mewtwo with a pleasant air.

"Because you're not in Brawl?" suggested Jigglypuff.

"Wha-NO!" screamed Mewtwo, throwing sharp objects at Jigglypuff's overlarge eyes. "It's because I can do this!"

Mewtwo created a black hole of psychic energy, which sucked in fifteen Waddle Dees, killing them instantly.

"Um, we're supposed to get the Plasma Wisp guys," said Jigglypuff meekly.

Mewtwo created another black hole, remembered he needed Jigglypuff alive, closed the hole, and punched her in the face.

_Fox  
__Targets Hit: 0/3_

"Oh the agony, man!" groaned Fox dramatically, missing yet again. "From cocky gunman to being beat by a puffball and a medieval teen girl!"

"Don't get stressed, dude! Look alive, baby, look alive!" cried Marth, dripping with pep and 'enthusiastic' sweat. "Adrenaline, it's part of the game!"

"Man, seriously, I really don't think it's part of the game right now," replied Fox weakly, attempting to fire again.

_Mario and Bowser  
__On Derby_

"Let's-a work together now-a!" instructed Mario, pulling Bowser up onto the Compact Star. "That was a nasty spill-a back there!"

"Yeah, I think it's from the wreckage," muttered Bowser through his teeth.

"Here comes-a the Rex Wheelie guy!" screamed Mario, jumping off the Compact Star in fear.

Bowser sighed.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__On Melee_

"Only one way to stop all of these Plasma Wisp things..." deduced Mewtwo. "Jigglypuff, dare I say it, I choose you!"

"Jigglypuff!" said Jigglypuff, jumping forward.

A circle of Plasma Wisps gathered around Jigglypuff.

"Jigglypuff, use Sing attack!" commanded Mewtwo.

"Uh...I love you, you love me..." began Jigglypuff nervously, off-key.

The Plasma Wisps began to get drowsy.

"We're a happy family..."

Mewtwo froze them all with his mind.

"...with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you..."

Mewtwo ripped all of the frozen Plasma Wisps in half, watching their blood spill all over the floor. The psychic Pokemon laughed sadistically at the violence, before turning back to Jigglypuff.

"...won't you say you love me too..." finished Jigglypuff.

"Great job!" smiled Mewtwo. "This might be the first time I've ever been proud of you!"

"There's five left," said Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo cursed.

_Mario and Bowser  
__On Derby_

"Mario, get back on this damn thing!" ordered Bowser. "This guy's a pro, he's not going to actually hurt us!"

"You don't-a know that!" whined Mario fearfully.

"This is it, this is how we're goin' down..." muttered Bowser to himself.

_Kirby  
__Targets Hit: 2/3_

"Just take your time, plan things out!" called Ness helpfully.

Kirby took another shot that just missed Dyna Blade's tail feathers.

"Come _on_!" hissed Kirby. "They're right freaking behind me! If I screw this up, I'm-a be so pissed off!"

Kirby looked down and noticed a syringe on the floor.

"Hmm..." thought Kirby.

_Ganondorf  
__Targets Hit: 2/3_

At last, Ganondorf shot King Dedede's replica.

"Like, I did it!" cheered Ganondorf.

"Arr, go on to the next one, Kirby still be thar!" encouraged Roy gleefully.

Ganondorf watched as his Dyna Blade replica appeared, and began firing wildly.

_Fox  
__Targets Hit: 1/3_

"Come on, please, man..." moaned Fox weakly, taking one last shot.

He hit the Maxim Tomato.

"Yeah!" cheered Fox. "I knew I was awesome, bro!"

"Let's go, next target, dude!" grinned Marth, looking immensely relieved.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

One of Ganondorf's wild potshots hit Dyna Blade, and he leapt up from his target.

"Roy, I like, did it!" smiled Ganondorf. "Where to now?"

Roy and Ganondorf began running away from the target room.

"Arr, it says make our way to the cockpit..." read Roy.

"But I thought that's where I just like, was..." mused Ganondorf, confused. "Where do we go?"

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Kirby picked up the syringe, and injected himself with drugs once again.

Cue Popeye spinach jingle.

"Ah, that's much more focused-I mean, better..." sighed Kirby blissfully, shooting Dyna Blade right between the mechanized eyes.

Kirby skipped merrily out of the turret room, linked arms with Ness, and continued down a corridor opposite Roy and Ganondorf.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf stood and watched Kirby and Ness disappear down the hall before the meaning sunk in.

"That's no fair!" grunted Ganondorf in frustration.

"Arr, go!" instructed Roy. "They be skipping, we can catch them!"

Roy and Ganondorf sprinted towards Kirby and Ness, but the hallway was too narrow to pass them.

"Like, Kirby!" called Ganondorf. "Let's tie!"

"Well, that seems like a reasonable-" began Kirby, but the two teams entered the large cockpit area and saw the mat. Ness was quick to interject.

"PK FIRE!" screamed Ness, setting Ganondorf's shin on fire.

"Ness, what the-" gasped Kirby.

"Run, just run!" called Ness back.

"OH NO YOU DON'T, LADDIE!" bellowed Roy, taking out his sword and swashbuckling Ness up something fierce.

Ganondorf jumped in to help, picking up Kirby as his fist glowed bright purple.

"FALCON PUNCH!" screamed Ganondorf, punching Kirby in the face.

"Actually, I do believe you have the Warlock Punch," replied Kirby, dazed. "Allow me to show you!"

"Well, like, that seems fair," allowed Ganondorf.

Kirby swallowed Ganondorf, Warlock Punched him, and spat him at Roy.

"Kirby, I've been swashbuckled!" yelped Ness, limping weakly.

"Don't worry, pirates hate technology!" replied Kirby. "We can use that to our advantage!"

Ness threw a DS at Roy.

"Come now, be reasonable!" scolded Kirby.

"Oh, sorry," replied Ness sheepishly.

Ness threw a PSP at Roy and stepped onto the mat.

"Nice job," complimented Kirby, following him.

"Kirby and Ness, you're team number one!" grinned Crazy Hand.

"Awesome!" celebrated Ness.

"Been a while since we won!" chuckled Kirby.

Roy and Ganondorf stepped onto the mat, smelling of fire, rum, Dreamlander spit, and that Sony smell.

"Roy and Ganondorf, you are team number two," said Crazy Hand grimly.

"I'm like, glad to still be in," allowed Ganondorf. "But we came so close to winning, and it was like, one tiny error at the end of the Road Block that stopped us..."

"Arr, I blame him," blamed Roy.

"Frown," frowned Ganondorf.

_Fox  
__Targets Hit: 2/3_

"I was good at Dedede, man!" Fox called, quickly taking down the penguin.

"Dude, next is the huge bird thing!" warned Marth. "Kirby and Ganon did that one already, we can still grab second if we run!"

"It's moving too fast, bro!" despaired Fox, unable to hit Dyna-Blade.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__On Melee_

Jigglypuff performed a flying tackle and pinned a Plasma Wisp down to the ground.

Mewtwo blew up the Plasma Wisp's eyes.

Jigglypuff performed a flying tackle and pinned a Plasma Wisp down to the ground.

"I just hope Mario and Bowser are having a hard time!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"Oh, they better be," threatened Mewtwo, blowing up more eyeballs.

_Mario and Bowser  
__On Derby_

"I hope Mewtwo and Jigglypuff are having a hard time," groaned Bowser, trying to tape Mario to the Compact Star.

"Mpmph mff mph!" concurred Mario, with his mouth taped over.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

Mewtwo blew up the last Plasma Wisp.

"Excellent!" muhahahed Mewtwo evilly.

"Yay!" grinned a bloodstained Jigglypuff. "You know, that was really cool, Mewtwo! I wonder why you were kicked out of B-"

Mewtwo kicked Jigglypuff in the eye.

"Alright, the Trial City Hangar..." read Mewtwo. "This'll be the Road Block, better hurry."

_Mario and Bowser  
__On Derby_

Mario ripped the tape off of his face forcibly.

"I don't want-a to do this-a!" whined Mario. "It's scary-a!"

"Mario, shut up!" raged Bowser. "I'm not going to lose this race because I was swayed by your uneducated decisions!"

"I can't-a do it!" sobbed Mario.

"Just forget it," said Bowser harshly.

* * *

"Alright, applicant number three..." sighed Crazy Hand. "Your name is?"

"My name's James McCloud!" grinned...well, you know. "I'm Fox McCloud's-"

"-Dad?" interjected Crazy Hand.

"Well, no, son," said James. "He named me after my dead grandpa."

"Hmm, well, our records show that Fox has no children," replied Crazy Hand.

"But that's impossible!" protested James.

"Yeah, uh, who's your mom?" asked Crazy Hand gently.

"Her name's Krystal..." said James, mortified.

"Yeah, well, let's just say Panther Caruso –" Crazy Hand held up a photograph. "- uh, flew his Wolfen through a gold ring without the shield absorbing the laser, if you know what I mean."

"He's my father?" asked James, pointing at the photograph.

Crazy Hand slyly changed the sign on his desk from 'The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race Season Two! Apply Now!' to "Sigmund Crazy Hand's "Free" Psychiatry! Apply Now!"

"Next time, maybe not take the fake OC request in the description seriously, eh folks?" chuckled Crazy Hand, staring at the camera.

* * *

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"I say-a we Bald Snark the Detour-a!" decided Mario.

"Is that gonna hurt?" asked Bowser warily.

"No-a, it's a TAR term-a!" said Mario. He turned to the face the camera.

"Bald Snark. Verb. The act of switching tasks at a Detour," said a college professor dubbed over Mario's voice.

"No, I'm not losing time over this!" fumed Bowser.

Mario stopped crying immediately, and stabbed Bowser.

"Let's go..." sighed Bowser, clutching his liver.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"You didn't see Mario and Bowser come out before us, did you?" asked Mewtwo as he and Jigglypuff ran out of the stadium.

"No..." replied Jigglypuff. "Is that a bad thing?"

"Never mind, I was just asking for...uh...the race..." said Mewtwo suspiciously, putting away some blood buckets as his eyes became less red.

_Mario and Bowser  
__On Melee_

Mario and Bowser ran into the Fantasy Meadows arena, and immediately slipped on some spilled blood.

"Bowser-a, we've been passed-a!" screamed Mario, pointing at all the dead Plasma Wisps.

"Uh, yeah, I know," replied Bowser.

_Fox  
__Targets Hit: 2/3_

Fox fired blast after blast at the Dyna Blade replica, but he continuously failed to hit it.

"Fox, dude, you're the captain of a team that specialize in ships!" called Marth. "I know you can do it!"

Fox missed again some more.

"At least it can't be as bad as the tomato, bro!" replied Fox.

_Mario and Bowser  
__On Melee_

Mario dived towards a Plasma Wisp, arms outstretched, but it jumped away from him.

"It's running-a away, not fair!" whined Mario.

"Mario, shut up! Just kill some!" retorted Bowser, punching a few Plasma Wisps in the face.

Mario sat on a Plasma Wisp dejectedly.

"It's-a hopeless!" pouted Mario. "We can't-a do anything right-a!"

The Plasma Wisp choked to death loudly and violently.

"Shut-a you face," snapped Mario.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"This thing rules!" smiled Jigglypuff, running onto the Halberd with Mewtwo.

"Yes, I imagine the aerial dominance I could attain with this vessel," smirked Mewtwo evilly. "A thousand Pokemon slaves building ships just like this, so that I can usurp Kanto with my fleet! And the rest of the Pokemon world! Then, all will perish!"

Jigglypuff blinked slowly.

...

...

"Road Block!" read Jigglypuff hastily. "I'll do it, don't worry!"



Jigglypuff saw Fox, and saw that the turrets weren't far away from Mewtwo.

"D'aww..." sighed Jigglypuff, getting in.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Are you done yet-a?" asked Mario sulkily, as Bowser walked over covered in blood and electric goo.

"I killed fourteen of those damn things..." panted Bowser. "And you killed one. By moaning...how?"

"I did it-a!" cheered Mario jubilantly, taking the clue. "Let's-a go! To the hangar!"

Bowser groaned resignedly.

_Fox  
__Targets Hit: 2/3_

"Aw man, Mewtster and Jigs are here!" noticed Fox. "We lost all the time we gained over them, man!"

"Don't think about 'em, dude!" cried Marth. "You're good at this!"

"Despite all evidence to the contrary," added Mewtwo. "You're pathetic, McCloud. No wonder Krystal left you for that Panther guy,"

"Really?" asked Fox. "That's awesome, bro!"

Fox managed to shoot Dyna Blade in jubilation.

"Damn!" raged Mewtwo.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"We're running unopposed!" smiled Marth. "Dude, it's just down this hallway!"

"That's such a relief, bro," nodded Fox. "That Road Block was gnarly!"

Marth and Fox stepped on the mat.

"Marth and Fox, you're team number three!" awarded Crazy Hand.

"Good enough, right in the middle..." grinned Fox weakly.

"I understand you two have been showing cracks in the armor?" asked Crazy Hand.

"Yeah, but hey, it'll motivate us to become even better next leg, dude," said Marth, with Fox nodding.

_Jigglypuff  
__Targets Hit: 1/3_

Jigglypuff missed the Maxim Tomato.

"Aim thirty degrees north-east, fire three shots, the second will hit the Maxim Tomato directly in the middle," said Mewtwo casually.

Jigglypuff aimed thirty degrees north-west, fired one shot, and it bounced off of a lamppost and shot the Maxim Tomato.

Mewtwo cackled evilly. "Refracting bullets? Oh, the destruction! And all the money I save on bullets can go directly to –"

The same college professor dub-over who dubbed Mario's voice cut in – "the first season of The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race on DVD. Act now and avoid plagiarism claims."

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

Mario and Bowser ran out of the stadium, and frantically looked around for the hangar.

"We need to find this thing and do the Road Block fast, or we could be eliminated!" panicked Bowser.

"And it'll all be-a your fault-a!" whined Mario.

Bowser punched Mario quickly.

_Jigglypuff  
__Targets Hit: 2/3_

"I hit Dedede!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"Yes, using my vague instructions!" replied Mewtwo. "Now you fool, prepare for the next challenge!"

Dyna Blade appeared, and Jigglypuff began firing wildly.

"No!" cried Mewtwo. "Listen to me! Raise your trajectory! Open your right eye!"

Jigglypuff continued to fire wildly without listening.

"Winging it rules!" yelled Jigglypuff, punching the air with her non-trigger hand.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"I can't believe we can't find the hangar!" panicked Bowser.

"Isn't-a that it?" asked Mario.



"That's a barn," said Bowser.

"With-a planes in it," said Mario.

"Look, last time I followed your decision, we switched Detours and lost time!" protested Bowser. "I say it's a barn!"

"The sign-a says-" began Mario, but Bowser punched him again.

"I've had enough of your bullying!" screamed Bowser.

_Jigglypuff  
__Targets Hit: 2/3_

Jigglypuff continued firing randomly at Dyna Blade, missing every time.

"Reload!" cried Jigglypuff. One of Meta-Knight's men passed Jigglypuff another round of ammo.

"Mario and Bowser are going to arrive any minute!" yelled Mewtwo. "Get a move on!"

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

Completely by accident, Mario and Bowser wandered into the hangar.

"Hey, you were right!" smiled Bowser. He took a clue and read, "Road Block! Well, I'm confident you can do it, Mario! Off you go!"

Mario ran into a turret area.

"This is the agonizing one, right?" Bowser asked Mewtwo.

"Fox thought so," said Mewtwo.

"Excellent," smiled Bowser.

_Jigglypuff  
__Targets Hit: 3/3_

Jigglypuff lightly grazed Dyna Blade's brain with her shot, and she ran out to Mewtwo.

"Can I get a high-five?" asked Jigglypuff excitedly.

"No, have some gruel," said Mewtwo dismissively, pouring some on Jigglypuff. "Now let's go."

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff skipped down the hall. By skipped, I mean charged. Whatever.

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you're team number four!" said Crazy Hand.

"Better than last!" grinned Jigglypuff cheesily.



"Worse than first, second, or third," said Mewtwo darkly.

"Mewtwo, how about showing more enthusiasm?" requested Crazy Hand. "You need to appear to be enjoying yourself for the readers!"

Mewtwo flipped off the camera, wrote something profane about you, and stormed off.

_Mario  
__Targets Hit: 0/3_

Mario tentatively aimed at the Maxim Tomato.

"Wow, Mario!" said Bowser pointedly. "We're last! Looks like we're going to get Guidowned! Guess what? It's a TAR term! Now how does it feel, huh?"

Mario, aggravated, shot the Maxim Tomato to little pieces.

"Uh, you weren't supposed to be motivated..." said Bowser. "To be honest, I was trying to piss you off..."

_Mario  
__Targets Hit: 1/3_

"Fine then Mario, you suck!" yelled Bowser. "No-one likes you! Peach lets me kidnap her! She dated Yoshi before he came out! Even the dinosaur gets some acti-"

Mario shot King Dedede's replica to pieces.

"Oh, I get it now!" realised Bowser. "You're actually skilled! You can't be stopped by my insults..."

_Mario  
__Targets Hit: 2/3_

"Damn-a right," muttered Mario to himself. He lined up the next shot.

Bowser jumped on Mario.

"Oops, my bad!" laughed Bowser. "I had to resort to physical confrontations! Gee, what an ass am I!"

Mario shot Dyna Blade.

"Damn," said Bowser. "I thought violence solved everything."

Mario punched Bowser, and walked with him to the pit stop.

"Mario and Bowser, you're the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand.

"I knew-a it!" fumed Mario. "It's-a all because Bowser made us switch Detours-a!"

Bowser let out an incredulous noise.

"The good news is that this is the second non-elimination leg, and you are still in the race!" said Crazy Hand happily.

"I knew-a it!" smiled Mario.

"How?" asked Bowser.

"However, sometime on the next leg of the race, you will encounter a Speed Bump," warned Crazy Hand. "A Speed Bump is an extra task that only you will have to perform, while the other four teams keep on racing."

"We didn't really give it our all this leg, Crazy Hand," shrugged Bowser. "So we're pretty confident we can recover,"

"I'm-a glad we get another chance-a!" smiled Mario. "Hopefully we don't-a Ike and Pit it up-a!"

Nobody laughed.

"Oh, come on-a!" yelled Mario angrily.

"Roll the final five bragging!" proclaimed Crazy Hand determinedly.

_Final Five Bragging_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"Jigglypuff and I are going to hang around until the end, no questions asked," warned Mewtwo.

_Kirby and Ness_

"It's an all-out race from now, and while we may end up helping each other out eventually, it's going to come down to every man for himself," said Ness.

_Marth and Fox_

"We had our first really bad leg today, man," admitted Fox. "And we didn't think the other teams were decent competition, but now we're the ones who have to step it up!"

_Roy and Ganondorf_

"Arr, the frats are gettin' tired," smiled Roy. "They're not what they were at the starrrt of the race!"

"And like, we're improving!" grinned Ganondorf.

_Mario and Bowser_

"We weren't-a eliminated, but if the other teams-a think we're weak, they're wrong-a," said Mario savagely.

"We're going to come back to the top," threatened Bowser.

* * *

Arrival Times!

Kirby and Ness: 2:05pm

Roy and Ganondorf: 2:06pm

Marth and Fox: 2:39pm

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff: 2:50pm

Mario and Bowser: 3:06pm – SPEED BUMP'D

* * *

"Next time, on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" preview'd Crazy Hand. "Lucas and Olimar run a stop sign!"

_Lucas and Olimar ran a stop sign._

"Wolf and Falco decide to trick Snake and Sonic!"

"_Let's trick Snake and Sonic," decided Wolf._

"_I agree," agreed Falco._

"And also, the teams actually in the race do some more racing!"

_The following clip has been deleted, deemed irrelevant._

* * *

Please don't take the OC scenes seriously, I was playing around. If however, you do get offended, I didn't write them. But at least I gave them appearances, right?

Read, review, tell your friends how awesome I am, make them all pay to read and review, give me the money.

And also tell me what you think about eliminations and whatever.


	9. Lust Arises In Shadow Moses Island!

I seriously can't think of an intro. Characters are owned by Nintendo, The Amazing Race belongs to Bertram Van Munster, original Smashy Amazing Race belongs to hoogiman, all the parts you don't like actually belong to your neighbour.

I hope you enjoy this ninth leg! ENJOY IT. RIGHT NOW.

* * *

"Previously on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" boomed Crazy Hand. "Five teams left Peach's Castle and travelled to Trial City! Marth and Fox began to worry about what other teams were doing!"

_Marth and Fox slinked up as close as they could to Roy and Ganondorf without being noticed._

"_Dude, we just need to hear what flight they're getting," whispered Marth. "Then we can get the same thing,"_

"But they were better off not knowing, as Roy and Ganondorf took a risky gamble!"

"_Yarr, we're screwed," lamented Roy._

"_Yeah, like, you have to do this now, little red thing," urged Ganondorf._

"_We'll do it!" said the Shy Guy. "Don't you worry you pretty li'l head!"_

"Some teams had fun killing people on the Detour!"

"_Jigglypuff, use Sing attack!" commanded Mewtwo._

"_Uh...I love you, you love me..." began Jigglypuff nervously, off-key._

_The Plasma Wisps began to get drowsy._

"_We're a happy family..."_

_Mewtwo froze them all with his mind._

"_...with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you..."_

_Mewtwo ripped all of the frozen Plasma Wisps in half, watching their blood spill all over the floor. The psychic Pokemon laughed sadistically at the violence, before turning back to Jigglypuff._

"_...won't you say you love me too..." finished Jigglypuff._

"While Fox had a saucy daydream!"

"_Why'd you call Ganondorf 'babe'?" asked Fox, teary-eyed._

"_It didn't mean anything, dude!" said Marth heatedly. "You know I'll always love you, bro!"_

"_Oh, Marth! Man, how did I get so lucky?" sniffed Fox, drying his eyes._

"_You got lucky by waking up, dude," smiled Marth. "Now wake up."_

_Fox was dreaming, having been put to sleep by a Sleep enemy._

"Kirby and Ness narrowly edged out Roy and Ganondorf to seal first place!"

_Ness threw a DS at Roy._

"_Come now, be reasonable!" scolded Kirby._

"_Oh, sorry," replied Ness sheepishly._

_Ness threw a PSP at Roy and stepped onto the mat._

"_Nice job," complimented Kirby, following him._

"_Kirby and Ness, you're team number one!" grinned Crazy Hand._

"Mario and Bowser, already in last place, lost time by switching Detours!"

"_I say-a we Bald Snark the Detour-a!" decided Mario._

"_Is that gonna hurt?" asked Bowser warily._

"And when they arrived at the pit stop last, they were given a reprieve..."

"_Mario and Bowser, you're the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand._

"_I knew-a it!" fumed Mario. "It's-a all because Bowser made us switch Detours-a!"_

_Bowser let out an incredulous noise._

"_The good news is that this is the second non-elimination leg, and you are still in the race!" said Crazy Hand happily._

"...at a cost!"

"_However, sometime on the next leg of the race, you will encounter a Speed Bump," warned Crazy Hand. "A Speed Bump is an extra task that only you will have to perform, while the other four teams keep on racing."_

"Five teams remain, who will be eliminated next?" pondered Crazy Hand.

* * *

Remaining Teams! (Now with inspirations!)

Kirby/Ness (Al Gore/Al Gore)

Roy/Ganondorf (Johnny Depp/CORBIN BLEU!11!!1!)

Marth/Fox (pre-election Bush/pre-election Bush)

Mewtwo/Jigglypuff (Stalin/Mewtwo)

Mario/Bowser (Cheney/Reagan)



* * *

"This is the Halberd!" announced Crazy Hand, floating around on the Halberd's deck. "Meta-Knight's prized battleship! This ship was the eighth pit stop in a race around the world! Teams arrived here for a mandatory rest period, where they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams!"

_Ness frantically poured more Valium in Kirby's cereal before the puffball woke up._

_Mario made threatening (and slightly intolerant) gestures towards Marth and Fox, mouthing 'You're dead! You're goin' down!'_

_Everyone stole Meta-Knight's food._

"Kirby and Ness, who were the first to arrive at 2:05pm, will depart at 2:05am!"

_Kirby and Ness  
__1__st__ to Depart, 2:05am_

Kirby opened the clue.

"Make your way to Beanstalk Park..." read Kirby.

"_Teams must now travel by cab to Beanstalk Park!" revealed Crazy Hand. "Once there, they will receive their next clue at the ferris wheel!"_

"Right, let's go!" grinned Ness.

_Ness_

"The race is definitely getting to the stage where it's hard for teams to connect well any more!" interviewed Ness. "I can't bear to think what Kirby and I would end up like without our drugs!"

...

"I said without our hugs," said Ness unconvincingly. "We're very sensitive and open!"

"Aww..." simpered the cameraman.

"Hey Ness, I just got dumped," sniffed Kirby, reading a text.

"Bite me," replied Ness.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Kirby and Ness hopped in a cab. Nothing else happened.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__2__nd__ to Depart, 2:06am_

"Like, make your way to Beanstalk Park!" read Ganondorf. "Okay, great! Kirby and Ness aren't too far ahead!"



"Yarr, we didn't expect to make it this far!" smiled Roy, excited. "We thought we'd be out arrrly, but now we're lookin' to blow them all away!"

"Girl power!" cheered Ganondorf, skipping merrily into a cab.

_Marth and Fox  
__3__rd__ to Depart, 2:39am_

"Make your way to Beanstalk Park, dude," read Marth. The frats took off.

"Bro, I gotta tell you, this is one great road trip!" grinned Fox.

"Yeah dude, it's been great spending all this time together!" replied Marth. "It's a relief to be more comfortable around you!"

"Yeah!" agreed Fox. "Although, I might be a little _too_ comfortable..."

"What?" asked Marth.

"T-the pillows," hesitated Fox. "In the hotel..."

The editors attacked the scene and cut directly to Marth and Fox getting into a cab.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Kirby and Ness hopped out of their cab, and took in the surroundings of Beanstalk Park.

"Says we've gotta find the giant ferris wheel," checked Ness.

"Oh, that's it," said Kirby, pointing up at the giant 400-foot wheel that took up a third of the park.

"Sweet, the clue box!" celebrated Ness. He ran excitedly towards it, but a seat on the ferris wheel clubbed him over his abnormally disproportionate head.

Kirby giggled excitedly. "Oh Ness, your tomfoolery puts a spring in my step and a bounce in my britches!"

"You don't wear br-" began Ness, but Kirby took the clue from him.

"Head to the Fox Islands," read Kirby.

"_Teams must now fly to the Fox Islands, and find Shadow Moses Island!" announced Crazy Hand. "Once they land, they will find their next clue at the helipad, which isn't at the airport!"_

"Oh look, the Speed Bump's here," noticed Ness, pointing at the sign.

"Wow, pretty early," observed Kirby.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf ran out of their cab as Kirby and Ness left, and noticed the ferris wheel.

"Yarr, that looks like a vessel I sunk back in tharr Navy," remembered Roy fondly.

"Like, you were in the Navy?" asked Ganondorf. "Why would they let a pirate join the Navy?"

"Yarr, tis true, they firrred me," sighed Roy. "I was discharged fer not knowing how to steer a ship, narrrvigate, or salvage treasarrr..."

"Like, whatever," said Ganondorf, not listening. "We need to go to Shadow Moses Island!"

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Roy and Ganon are right behind us!" panicked Ness.

"I hope we can stay ahead of them," replied Kirby nervously. "Do you think Mario and Bowser's Speed Bump is hard?"

"I hope so!" answered Ness quickly.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Yarr, we worked transport once, we can do it again, n'yarrgh..." smirked Roy.

"We're like, gonna steamroll Kirby and Ness!" assured Ganondorf, pounding his fist.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Man, I totally forgot, today's my birthday!" said Fox suddenly. "Do you have any gifts?"

"It's not your birthday, dude," replied Marth. "This is June,"

"...Oh..." said Fox. "So who's birthday is it?"

"No-one's," replied Marth. "Dude, yours was like eight months ago. Mine's not for another couple months either."

"So I booked a romantic getaway for nothing?" asked Fox.

"What?" asked Marth.

"Ferris wheel!" pointed out Fox, determined to distract Marth.

"Whoa, that's a big wheel, dude!" gasped Marth. "And here's Mario and Bowser's Speed Bump!"

"Shadow Moses Island..." read Fox.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Kirby and Ness' cab pulled into the airport ahead of everyone.

"We're here first!" grinned Kirby expositioningly.

"It's closed!" read Ness in dismay. "Stupid airport doesn't open at 2 in the morning!"

"That's just crazy!" protested Kirby. "That's the most **outrageous and controversial** thing that could happen on the race!"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Know what we should do, man?" decided Fox, trying to cover his tracks. "We should pull over and pick up some chicks!"

"Dude, yes!" agreed Marth. He then told the cab driver to pull over next to a group of female Waddle Dees.

"Ladies," nodded Fox sexily, eyeing up the Waddle Dees.

"Hey babes, how'd you like to get hammered?" proposed Marth, handing some gin-quila-dka (!) shots to the Waddle Dees.

"We're Girl Scouts!" protested one of the young Waddle Dees.

"Oh, sorry girls," apologised Marth, taking back his drinks.

"Girl Scouts, eh?" asked Fox. "That's pretty sexy..."

Fox winked.

"We're also eight years old," said another Waddle Dee girl.

"Eight years old, eh?" asked Fox. "That's prett-"

Marth dragged Fox's head out of the window, and begged the driver to keep driving.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"No, there might be worse stuff," surmised Ness.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__4__th__ to Depart, 3:50am_

"Make your way to Beanstalk Park!" read Jigglypuff.

"How dare you?" asked Mewtwo, in a rage. "You just immediately assume that I'll cave in to your demands and escort you to this park? You think I'm that much of a pushover, don't you? I'll have you know I could kill you by blinking!"

"Okay, we'll do what you want," complied Jigglypuff.

"Pfft, pushover," chuckled Mewtwo. "C'mon, let's go to the park,"

"I like motivation!" smiled Jigglypuff.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Last to Depart, 3:06am_

"Make your way to Beanstalk Park," read Bowser.

"Oh-a, that's still in the Kirbyverse-a!" realised Mario. "It's in this-a pamphlet!"

Mario showed Bowser a comprehensive map of the Kirby universe.

"When did you get this?" asked Bowser icily.

"At the airport-a back in Mushroom Kingdom-a!" smiled Mario.

"So why didn't you tell me or use it last leg?" asked Bowser, his eyes narrowed.

"Uh-a...because..." stuttered Mario.

"And if we had used this, we might not even be in last place," said Bowser in a horribly strained voice.

"We're-a Mario and Bowser!" chuckled Mario nervously. "We'll catch up-a!"

Mario ran into a cab, with Bowser angrily following.

"Beanstalk-a Park!" ordered Mario. "I'll give you one dollar-a, just go!"

"I'm not stupid, you know," said the driver.

"Fine, here, take a hundred," sighed Bowser, handing the driver a bill.

"What-a the hell?" asked Mario, infuriated. "That's our-a money! It's only supposed to be used-a for transport-a!"

"Yeah, and this is transport," replied Bowser, as if talking to an immature brat. Which he is, actually.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Arr, the airport's closed!" grunted Roy, shining a torch on the door.

"Like, this sucks! Now we're bunched up with Kirby and Ness again!" whined Ganondorf. "We can't beat them now!"

"Yarr, they're asleep," noticed Roy.

"We should totally like, stay awake so we can beat them!" said Ganondorf, determined.

"I don't think that's wise, y'arrgh..." advised Roy.

Ganondorf drank some coffee, then poured super-concentrated caffeine on his eyeballs.

"Harrrdcore," pronounced Roy, following suit in sudden admiration.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"We're being underestimated, and now's our time to return to form and show everyone what we're made of!" called Mewtwo, marching through Beanstalk Park with Jigglypuff.

"I thought we were a target because everyone hates and fears you?" asked Jigglypuff. "What happened with that?"

"They're all just scared because I could do this to them!" proclaimed Mewtwo, picking up a baby Waddle Dee and pulverizing it into fine dust.

"You're right, they're all scared of us!" agreed Jigglypuff determinedly.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"You know, we can easily beat the Pokemon," said Bowser. "They're such bad racers, I tend to forget they're even on the race."

"They don't-a know anything about being on TV-a!" agreed Mario. "You're supposed to be nice-a to people, and treat-a them with respect!"

"That was a good point, Mario," admitted Bowser, nodding his head.

"Shut up-a, kissass," shot back Mario.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Here's the ferris wheel," noticed Mewtwo. "And here's Mario and Bowser's Speed Bump!"

Mewtwo used his x-ray vision (!!) to read the Speed Bump clue without opening the envelope.

"Ah, I have a dastardly, bastardly, devious plan!" revealed Mewtwo.

"CanIhelpcanihelpcanihelpcanihelp?" asked Jigglypuff immediately.

"Drink from this bottle," said Mewtwo, handing some acid to Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo used his mind to remove a single screw from the wheel.

Jigglypuff drank the acid and burnt a hole through her face.

"Everything worked perfectly!" grinned Mewtwo evilly. "Now let's go to...Shadow Moses Island...yeah...die..."

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Ness woke up from a good hour or so's sleep, and stretched his arms.

"Kirby, wake up!" called Ness quietly. "We should be getting up!"

"Oh, sure..." mumbled Kirby, face-down on his pillow. He got up wearily, and looked at his surroundings.

"Ness?" asked Kirby.

"Yeah?" replied Ness fearfully, noticing the same thing as Kirby.

"Why is our tent on the highway outside the airport?" inquired Kirby.

"Good question," replied Ness, looking around frantically.

Faint noises of pirate laughter/teenage tee-hees could be heard.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Shadow Moses Island, Shadow Moses Island..." wondered Mewtwo aloud. "What universe is that from?"

"I don't know!" replied Jigglypuff. "Let's ask the driver!"

"Metal Gear," said the Waddle Dee driver immediately. "You're in the wrong universe."

"I feel put in my place," said Jigglypuff sadly.

"I feel like wasting this loser!" raged Mewtwo, his eyes glowing satanically red.

"Aw, here it goes!" referenced Jigglypuff, as Mewtwo ripped the Waddle Dee's arm off.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

Mario and Bowser ran into Beanstalk Park, and saw an incriminating sign next to the ferris wheel.

"Speed Bump?!" noticed Bowser. "This early?"

"_Having placed last in the previous leg, Mario and Bowser must now complete a Speed Bump: an extra task only they must perform!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Speed Bump, they must both ride one _

_full revolution of the Beanstalk Ferris Wheel! However, the wheel is very fragile, so they must be in a state of total control to make it safely!"_

"This seems-a too easy," commented Mario, slightly disappointed.

"Yeah, but it could be easier," pointed out Bowser. "We could have to do yoga or run through fireworks,"

Mario and Bowser got on the ferris wheel.

"Say-a, does it feel like there's a screw missing-a?" asked Mario, punching the cart idly.

"Yeah, it does!" agreed Bowser, kicking the cart in front of them. "This wheel isn't fragile at all!"

"I know-a!" complained Mario, setting fire to their cart. "We're-a also going way too fast-a, because you're-a so fat and heavy-a!"

"Yeah!" nodded Bowser, getting off. "Well, we're done, and that was thoroughly anti-climatic and I hated the Speed Bump! It was too easy, promised fake dangers, and it was too beneficial to the team in last place!"

"At least it's-a better than Crazy Hand mugging us-a," reasoned Mario.

"Whatever, let's just go to Shadow Moses Island," said Bowser after reading the clue.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Exhausted, Kirby and Ness dragged their stuff off of the highway and over to the airport.

"Still doesn't open for another hour!" noted Ness irritably, pointing at the door.

"Happy wake-up call!" smirked Ganondorf, wired. "It's like, four in the morning, you losers!"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Airport closed, dudes?" asked Marth, walking over with Fox.

"Where have you two been?" asked Kirby suspiciously.

"Oh, I was bailing Fox out of jail and clearing his name as a sexual predator, dude," replied Marth off-handedly.

"How was I supposed to know they were eight, man?" asked Fox. "Waddle Dees all look alike!"

"Racist," scoffed Kirby.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Where do we find the flights?!" asked Jigglypuff as soon as she left her cab. Mewtwo followed, chewing on some Waddle Dee arms.

"Closed, you buffoon," replied Mewtwo dryly.

"Oh..." realised Jigglypuff. "I know! Who wants to sing a campfire song!"

"I do!" smiled Kirby.

"I do!" smiled Ness.

"I do!" smiled Roy.

"I do!" smiled Ganondorf.

"I do!" smiled Marth.

"I do!" smiled Fox.

"I don't," frowned Squidward.

"Oh, they built the ship Titanic, to sail the ocean blue!" sang most of the racers.

Mewtwo kicked Jigglypuff forward, and the latter fell face first into the campfire (read: pile of lit cigarette butts).

Kirby and Ness backed away from the violent scene.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Wanna get flights away from everyone else?" asked Kirby, looking fearfully over at Mewtwo.

"Yeah, I really do," agreed Ness, looking at Jigglypuff burn.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"So, Mewtwo, dude!" said Marth nervously. "Do you think Mario and Bowser got held back long enough?"

"Oh, I daresay they'll be _permanently _delayed!" laughed Mewtwo evilly.

"Dude, never mind," replied Marth. "Here they are,"

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Hey guys-a!" smiled Mario cruelly, walking over to everyone else with Bowser. "We've done our-a Speed Bump!"

"Congratulations!" grinned Jigglypuff.

"WHAT?!" raged Mewtwo furiously.

"Yeah, and look, the airport opens in three seconds!" noticed Bowser, checking his watch. "What luck!"

"Hey, Mario, Bowser, stick out your tongues," requested Mewtwo calmly.

Mario and Bowser complied.

Mewtwo froze a lamppost, and threw the tongues at them with his mind.

"EVERYONE IN THE AIRPORT NOW!" ordered Mewtwo, picking Jigglypuff up and throwing her inside with his mind.

Jigglypuff landed on a desk.

"Can I get two tickets to Shadow Moses?" asked Jigglypuff weakly.

"Yes, you leave at 7:50am," replied the Waddle Dee, handing over the tickets.

"WHO'S LUCKY NOW?!" asked Mewtwo vigorously, flipping off Mario and Bowser, who were still stuck outside.

"_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff are on the first flight to Shadow Moses Island, leaving at 7:50am!" said Crazy Hand._

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Like, quick, we need to work on our tickets," urged Ganondorf. "The Pokemon just got on a plane."

"Yarr, don't be worryin'," reassured Roy.

"Yeah Ganon, calm down dude," said Marth from behind them.

"Curse ye, fraternity brotharrs!" fumed Roy. "Spyin' on us fer the second leg in a row!"

"We'll take the same as them, man!" called Fox, and four tickets were given to him, Marth, Roy and Ganondorf.

"I heard you guys talking at the pit stop, dudes," said Marth. "We hear you're tryin' to take the kids down? We're in,"

"Like, really?" asked Ganondorf hopefully.

"No way," replied Marth.

"Arg, is that so?" asked Roy. "Well, we can get back at ye for lyin'!"

"Roy, it wasn't that serious," said Ganondorf.

"Give the same tickets to the two guys outside stuck to the lamppost, n'yarrgh!" grinned Roy evilly.

Two more tickets were printed out for Mario and Bowser.

"Two can play at this game, dudes!" said Marth angrily. "Another two, for the puffball and the kid over there!"

Two tickets were printed out for Kirby and Ness.

"Touche..." grunted Roy, glaring at Marth and Fox.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Dude, Fox, we have to beat Roy and his girlfriend," realised Marth, taking Fox aside. "They hate us!"

"Bro, what can we do?" asked Fox.

"I have a plan to create some drama, dude," said Marth.

Marth walked over to Ganondorf.

"Hey, sexy..." droned Marth suavely, stroking Ganondorf's leg. "Have I ever told you how freakin' hot you are?"

"Like, no," replied Ganondorf.

"Call her smart and funny, bro!" whispered Fox loudly. "That's like the law or something! You always refer to people as smart and funny instead of hot!"

Marth nodded, and turned back to a confused Ganondorf.

"So how'd you like to move that...that smart and funny ass off our flight?" asked Marth.

"No," said Ganondorf.

"WHAT ARR YE DOIN'?!" screamed Roy, running over with a pitchfork. "Stop yer fraternising!"

Marth backed away and returned to Fox.

"Dude, it didn't work," said Marth sadly.

"Bummer," replied Fox.

"_Roy and Ganondorf, Marth and Fox, Mario and Bowser and Kirby and Ness are on the second flight to Shadow Moses Island!" voiced over Crazy Hand._

_9:00am  
__2__nd__ Flight_

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, they're not on this flight, man," interviewed Fox. "I dunno if they're out in front, or if they're behind. It's so nerve wracking to not know something like that at this stage,"

_Shadow Moses Island  
__1__st__ Flight Landed_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I sure hope we're ahead!" panicked Jigglypuff.

"Oh shut up, we are," scolded Mewtwo, getting into a train which left immediately.

_2__nd__ Flight_

Marth got out of his seat.

"Fox, check it dude, I'ma try flirt with Ganondorf again!" decided Marth.

"To get information?" asked Fox hopefully.

"Well, maybe..." said Marth. "Dude, I've just noticed, she's pretty h-smart and funny!"

"B-b-but, Marth, I l-" began Fox, but Marth left.

Fox cried silently as the plane arrived at Shadow Moses Island.

_2__nd__ Flight Landed_

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Ganondorf shook Marth off his leg, and hobbled over to a man.

"Hey, uh, where's like the helipad?" asked Ganondorf.

"Yarr, we're in a hurry," added Roy.

"Take a train, south side of the island," said the man.

"Ness, run!" called Kirby, who had been hiding behind the man.

Kirby and Ness sprinted to the train.

"Get back harrr!" screamed Roy, tearing off after them.

"Thank you!" called Ganondorf, giving chase.

Roy burst into the train, and noticed that the only taken seats in the whole train were Kirby and Ness'.

"Oh cool, the train's empty!" cheered Bowser, walking in with Mario. The frats followed suit and everyone sat down. "That must mean the Pokemon haven't been here yet!"

"Or-a, you idiot," argued Mario. "They're so far ahead-a they've got to the helipad-a already!"

_Shadow Moses Helipad_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Here's the cluebox!" cried Jigglypuff, taking a clue.

"Let me see that!" demanded Mewtwo, throwing Jigglypuff at some propellers. He read the clue.

...

...

"What kind of stupid task is this?!" raged Mewtwo.

"_A Road Block is a task only one person can perform! In this Road Block, teams must now run around the helipad until they're caught by a searchlight!" said Crazy Hand. "Then, they must reunite with their partner, and both must run to the top of a guard tower and retrieve a tape of them on camera! They must take the tape to the Shadow Moses Cardboard Plant, where they will receive their next clue!"_

"Utterly pointless!" fumed Mewtwo, running around.

"Hi searchlight!" waved Jigglypuff.

"Hello? Search light operator, I demand that you shine the light at me!" ordered Mewtwo harshly.

"Can't we just take advantage of your psychicnessicity like we always do?" suggested Jigglypuff.

Enraged, Mewtwo smashed a chair over Jigglypuff's head and beat her with the legs.

"Good idea," agreed Mewtwo.

Mewtwo moved the searchlight with his mind so that it shone on himself.

"How do we get to the cardboard plant?" asked Jigglypuff.

"We've got a while to find out, we're in first!" rejoiced Mewtwo.

"Are you happy?" asked Jigglypuff hopefully.

"DON'T INQUIRE ABOUT MY EMOTIONS!" shouted Mewtwo, throwing Jigglypuff at the search light. Jigglypuff burned again.

_2__nd__ Train to South Shadow Moses_

"Dude, I wish we knew where the Pokemon were," worried Marth.

"Mewtwo's-a probably been arrested-a!" laughed Mario. "For murder-a!"

No-one else laughed.

"I doubt Mewtwo would stoop so low," scoffed Bowser.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"YOU!" Mewtwo cried, picking up a guard. "Where is the cardboard box plant?! TELL ME!"

"I don't know!" whimpered the guard. "It's my first day here!"

Mewtwo stooped so low as to murder the guard.

"There's a sign here!" smiled Jigglypuff. "It says the plant's this way!"

Jigglypuff skipped off happily.

_2__nd__ Train  
__Arrived at Shadow Moses Helipad_

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"I see the cluebox!" cried Ness. "Hurry! Everyone else is behind us by seconds!"

"Got it!" called Kirby, taking a clue.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Dude, we gotta do this Road Block quick!" panted Marth.

"Why are you panting, bro? Are you sweaty?" asked Fox suggestively.

"I'm good, dude," replied Marth, taking a drink.

"Damn," replied Fox.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"We've-a got this!" smiled Mario. "You're fat-a, the cameras'll see you-a easy!"

Bowser took out a stress ball, squeezed it softly, and then punched it.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Arr, we can do this!" assured Roy. "We just need to beat everyone else, n'yarrgh!"

"Aren't we supposed to do that all the time?" asked Ganondorf.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"We're only a few minutes ahead now!" grunted Mewtwo, looking back at the four other teams.

"Where's the cardboard plant?" asked Jigglypuff to another guard. "We followed the sign but we don't know where else to go!"

"I don't know!" said the guard. Mewtwo choked him, and threw him at another guard. Both died.

"You're too nice to people!" fumed Mewtwo. "You gotta get mean to get what you want!"

"But that'd be nasty!" complained Jigglypuff.

"Get nasty!" ordered Mewtwo. "Make your last stand!"

Jigglypuff blew a raspberry at the guard.

"Okay," said Mewtwo. "That's about as good as we're gonna get..."

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Maybe I need to annoy the lights over here..." wondered Ness.

"Good idea," nodded Kirby. "I'll start, rules say they can only shine the light on one of us, I'm allowed to help."

Kirby waddled over to the wall.

"Hiii!" said Kirby, waving.

"Okay!" said Ness, bowing.

"Hiii!" said Kirby, waving.

"Okay!" said Ness, bowing.

"Hiii!" said Kirby, waving.

"Okay!" said Ness, bowing.

"Hiii!" said Kirby, waving.



"Okay!" said Ness, bowing.

Kirby ran out of the way.

The light shone on Ness.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Marth, do you think the light would shine on me if I was nude, bro?" asked Fox.

"No, why dude?" asked Marth.

"Cause I just got naked," replied Fox, winking at Marth.

"DUDE! Get away from me!" spluttered Marth in disgust.

Fox stormed off into the light angrily.

"AAAAGH!" cried Fox, his nude body bursting into flames.

"Oh cool, we can get the clue now!" smiled Marth.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Bowser-a, just move into the light-a, you fat piece of crap!" ordered Mario.

"That's not going to work!" protested Bowser. "My plus size won't affect- damn..."

All the lights were on Bowser.

"We can go-a, fatty!" grinned Mario, leaving.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

As all the lights left Bowser, Roy got in the way of one of them.

Roy made some nautical reference with plenty of pirate speak.

Ganondorf acted like a spoiled teenager.

Yeah.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Jigglypuff, will you stay here for _one second?!_" asked Mewtwo incredulously, flexing his brain threateningly.



Jigglypuff walked over to Mewtwo.

"I don't need your mean tips!" scoffed Jigglypuff. "I was having a nice talk with the guards!"

A stream of machine gun bullets narrowly missed Jigglypuff.

"Agh!" squeaked Jigglypuff. "Help!"

"Now these are my kind of people!" grinned Mewtwo, taking a machine gun.

"Shouldn't we find the plant?" whimpered Jigglypuff.

"Shut up, we're closest," replied Mewtwo, loading some bullets.

"But can't someone help us find it before the other teams catch up?" asked Jigglypuff, tears streaming down her face.

* * *

"Well, last leg's filler was a letdown," sighed Crazy Hand. "Forget second season applicants, I'm hesitant to do a second season, period!"

"Hey jerkbagface, there's another applicant here to see you," said Master Hand lazily, smoking a cigar.

"Tell them to get out, I'm in no mood," replied Crazy Hand.

"Are you sure?" asked Master Hand. "Their resume looks impressive."

"Oh?" asked Crazy Hand, interested.

"Says here they're a...er...fox-wolf-frog-ancient-fire-goddess-blood-diamond-pizza," read Master Hand.

"Oh..." moaned Crazy Hand, put off. "Tell them to leave."

Master Hand opened his...wrist...to answer, but both hands were distracted. A fox-wolf-frog-ancient-fire-goddess-blood-diamond-pizza had just burst through the window.

"Oh dear god," sighed Crazy Hand, burying his face in his ha...

"Oh dear god," sighed Crazy Hand, burying his palm in his fingers...

"Oh dear god," sighed Crazy Hand, making a fist.

* * *

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"WHAT DO WE DO?!" cried Jigglypuff hysterically.

"I could tell you," said a gravelly voice.

"Solid Snake!" gasped Mewtwo and Jigglypuff at the same time.

"Yeah, I am," replied Snake, flexing his muscles.

"Do you know where the cardboard plant is, puny human?" asked Mewtwo.

"Yeah, follow me!" replied Snake.

Snake clicked his heels three times, and skipped along a magical rainbow that led to the cardboard plant.

"We need the surveillance room," said Mewtwo.

"Oh," replied Snake.

Snake slouched listlessly to the surveillance room and opened the door for the Pokemon.

"Let's watch our tape!" said Jigglypuff, turning on a security camera.

"_You got the stuff, Otacon?" asked Snake._

"_Yeah, show me the money," replied Otacon._

"_I figured I could get it out of you one way..." purred Snake, rubbing Otacon's shoulders._

Snake fumbled with the remote and changed the channel to Mewtwo and Jigglypuff's video.

"So how do we get the clue from this?" asked Mewtwo.

A flashing message appeared on the screen, reading "GO TO SHADOW MOSES GIFT SHOP" in bold red letters.

"Oh," realised Mewtwo.

"_Teams must now take the train back to the other side of Shadow Moses Island, and find the Shadow Moses Gift Shop!" said Crazy Hand. "Once there, they'll have to pick up a marked bouquet of flowers for the Colo - er, Meryl!"_

"This is a weird place," observed Jigglypuff the talking balloon.

"No kidding," agreed Mewtwo the psychic cat.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Kirby and Ness, having had no difficulty finding the cardboard box plant, ran in.

"Has another team been in here?" Ness asked Snake frantically.

"Yes, two Pokemon came and left," replied Snake.

"Great," lamented Kirby, watching the tape.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Mario and Bowser arrived next, and overheard Snake talking to Kirby and Ness.

"The Pokemon are-a ahead?" asked Mario.

"How's that possible?" wondered Bowser. "We never saw them at the airport...then again, they did stick us to a pole..."

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"What way did Snake take us?" panicked Jigglypuff. "Quick!"

Mewtwo searched his photographic memory.

"This way, go!" ordered Mewtwo urgently. "First and last place are mere minutes apart!"

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Shadow Moses Gift Shop!" pointed out Ness. "Write it down!"

Kirby scrawled 'Gift shop' on his hand, and ran off with Ness.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Okay, I got it, let's go," said Bowser. "Need to get away from the frats and weirdos."

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Dude, go quick!" cried Marth.

Fox flicked the security camera on quickly and hit fast forward.

"I saw something about a gift shop, let's move it!" said Marth urgently. "We gotta haul ass, dude!"

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Arr, it be near the end of the clip," said Roy. "The frats were farrrst forwardin'."

"Great!" grinned Ganondorf, hitting fast forward. "It's like, Shadow Moses Gift Shop!"

"Gotta catch up, n'yarrgh!" cried Roy. "This reminds me of me Navy days..."

_Shadow Moses Train Station_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Mewtwo threw Jigglypuff through the window, and then walked in.

"I don't know if we're first here, Jigglypuff," said Mewtwo simply. "We better be."

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"I can't-a believe the Pokemon-a owned us all!" lamented Mario.

"It's crazy," said Bowser. "They could win this race if they keep pulling stuff like this."

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Can I help you?" asked a ticket agent.

"Train tickets...other side of island...NOW!" shouted Mewtwo weakly, collapsing against the desk.

"Okay, your train leaves at 11!" smiled the agent.

"The others are gonna catch up!" gasped Jigglypuff, dismayed.

"Dammit!" grunted Mewtwo angrily.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Here's the train station!" cried Kirby, running in.

"Everyone else is right behind us!" called Ness frantically.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Here's Kirby and Ness..." sighed Jigglypuff sadly.

"I can see that!" yelled Mewtwo, crushing Jigglypuff's non-existent neck.

"And then Mario and Bow-"

Mewtwo whipped Jigglypuff across the face with his tail.

"Roy and Ga-"

Mewtwo bit Jigglypuff's ear off.

"Ma-"

Mewtwo cut off Jigglypuff's curl.

"All-a the teams are here!" smiled Mario. "Hi, Pokemon-a!"

"Yeah, hi," said Jigglypuff, bleeding.

"Freakin' kill you all..." muttered Mewtwo.

"The race-a is on!" laughed Mario, because it wouldn't be a season of TAR without that being said at some point.

"So much for a lead..." groaned Mewtwo, ripping apart a full box of stressballs.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Good thing we caught the Pokemon now," smiled Bowser proudly. "They could have left us in the dust!"

"Yeah, now we can-a destroy them!" grinned Mario.

"Come on, let's get our tickets," said Bowser.

Everyone got tickets on Mewtwo and Jigglypuff's 11 train.

"Anybody's game now," noted Bowser.

_1__st__ Train to North Shadow Moses_

"Like, Roy and I are gonna kick butt this leg!" Ganondorf assured everyone else. "Someone's like, gonna be last and it won't be us!"

"Yarr, lischen to the lady," said Roy, drunk on grog.

"That's a pretty good idea, babe," nodded Marth. "How does someone as hot-"

Fox nudged Marth, and pulled out a modernised etiquette handbook.

"As smart and funny as you come up with such good ideas?" asked Marth.

"That's like, not even an idea..." said Ganondorf, confused.

"Yeah bro, an idea would be, say, uh...sticking with the pack then surging forward in a footrace," said Fox.

"Thanks for that!" grinned Ganondorf, stealing the idea.



"NUEZ!" cried Fox. "U STOL3 MI PLAN AND MI MAN!"

...

"Who's not Marth, guys," said Fox, quickly looking around nervously.

"Is there something-a going on between you two teams-a?" asked Mario, raising an eyebrow.

"No, no, no!" said Fox defensively. "Why?"

"Well-a..." said Mario, lustfully stroking Fox's leg, "I want-a in."

"Wait, so what's going on?" asked Ness.

"Well there's five of us left," said Jigglypuff. "And we're racing! And we have to get to the hand man as fast as we can!"

Mewtwo slapped Jigglypuff.

"You dolt, he means with the relationships!" raged Mewtwo, throwing Jigglypuff out of the window.

Kirby whispered the chain of horribly inappropriate attraction to Ness.

Ness stuck his head out of the window for fresh air.

"Wait a minute, we're here!" noticed Ness.

The teams ran out of the train. Yeah.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

The frats were first to run over to the train station's Shadow Moses Gift Shop, but they soon discovered that -

"It doesn't open until morning, dude," sighed Marth. "Hours of operation, 6am to 12pm. We took like an hour to get here, and it just closed,"

"Great, now we need a place to go, man," said Fox.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Let's go outside and see if anyone knows where we can sleep without being shot at or something," decided Ness.

"Right behind you," agreed Kirby pleasantly. "I say, it's rather inconvenient that we must sleep for an extra day."

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"I just ovarrrheard Kirby and Ness' plan, wanna follow?" asked Roy.

"Like, why not," nodded Ganondorf, following Kirby and Ness.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Fox, Marth, you two going off to find somewhere else, or you stayin' here?" asked Bowser.

"I'm-a not sleeping in a train station!" said Mario indignantly.

"Dude, Mario's losing it!" grinned Marth.

"I need somewhere-a nice!" pouted Mario.

"Mario, look around you!" shouted Bowser, annoyed. "Does it look like this place has anywhere good to sleep?"

"YOU DON'T-A UNDERSTAND MY NEEDS-A!" yelled Mario, crying.

"He's this way about everything..." sighed Bowser, turning to the frats.

"What are we even doing, man?" asked Fox. "I thought we hated each other!"

"That's before I realised what a stallion-a you are..." purred Mario, tracing circles in Fox's chest with his finger.

"How'd he stop crying so quickly, dude?" wondered Marth.

Bowser shook his head in disbelief.

"Let's just look around this place and see how safe it is," decided Bowser.

"NO-A!" screeched Mario, pouting again. He stomped off to the wall and folded his arms.

"Bro, Mario, we'll find somewhere else," said Fox wearily. "Can you please just calm down, man?"

Fox looked back at Marth and Bowser, who were motioning for more effort.

"...For me?" asked Fox, reluctantly winking.

"Yay-a!" cheered Mario, jumping on Fox.

"Okay, let's just go," sighed Bowser, walking off.

"Fox-a, can I be on your-a team?" asked Mario. "I don't-a like Bowser!"

"I hate both you and Bowser, dude," put in Marth.

"Man, I don't think that's a good idea," said Fox, putting Mario down.

Mario nodded and skipped away.

"You hate them too, right?" checked Marth.

"Hell yeah," replied Fox, wiping pasta stains and mustache hair off of his jacket.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Surrender your overnight accommodation information!" bellowed Mewtwo at some fellow tourists.

"Sh-shadow Moses Hotel!" whimpered a meek-looking family man. "Just don't hurt us! My kid wants to see the famous Solid Snake!"

"He's magnificent!" grinned Jigglypuff politely. "He's going to have a good time!"

Mewtwo made the kid's head explode.

"My baby!" squealed the mother.

"Mewtwo! How could you do such a thing!" shrieked Jigglypuff.

"I hate people born in the first six months of the year!" fumed Mewtwo.

Jigglypuff raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, maybe it's just because I hate children..." admitted Mewtwo.

"I have eyebrows?" asked Jigglypuff.

The Pokemon strolled away as the parents cried.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3rd Place_

"We'll just sleep on these benches," said Bowser, pointing to four benches outside the train station.

"No-a!" squealed Mario. Bowser ripped out his throat.

"Dude!" cried Marth, alarmed.

"This is my _one,_" protested Bowser. "My one to Mewtwo's thousand."

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2nd Place_

"Arr, here be a place," said Roy, pointing to a cheap hotel.

"Like, why don't we get enough screen time?" asked Ganondorf.



Roy opened his mouth to answer. "B-"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Dude, looks like Mario's set on being with you!" chortled Marth, as Mario hugged Fox like a blanket.

"Oh, that's real funny, duuuude!" mocked Bowser in a bad imitation of Marth's voice. "Not like I-er, Fox has feelings!"

"I?" asked Marth, confused. "Bowser, dude, do you _like_ Mario?"

"No!" said Bowser defensively, turning away from Mario.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff walked through the doors of Shadow Moses Hotel, when Mewtwo buckled down, holding his head in pain.

"Mewtwo!" cried Jigglypuff. "What's wrong!"

"I feel...a disturbance..." said Mewtwo. "Remember when you dated Ike and it was dramatic?"

"No," replied Jigglypuff. "Wait! I do!"

"Well..." hesitated Mewtwo. "Bowser likes Mario, who likes Fox, who likes Marth, who likes Ganondorf!"

Jigglypuff went to vomit over something completely unrelated.

"I'm glad I'll never see any of these people again after the race," said Mewtwo, shaking his head.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"This hotel's pretty cheap," observed Kirby, throwing his bag down. "Ah well, it's only one night."

"It's perfect already," crooned Ness. "For I have you..."

"What?!" asked Kirby, confused.

"Nah, I'm just messing around with you," said Ness. "But have you noticed that some of the others are in some kind of web of homosexuality?"

"I thought Pit was eliminated," said Kirby, confused.

"It's just...have you ever seen the way Fox looks at Marth?" asked Ness. "I think the lack of girls in Super Smash Brothers is becoming apparent."

"We've got that Krystal girl," said Kirby.

"No. No we don't. She got turned down," replied Ness.

"Oh dear god, you're right!" panicked Kirby. "And neither of us have any girls we know in Super Smash Brothers! All the girls that are actually part of the SSB are taken!"

"Samus is a girl," said Ness, sounding desperate.

Kirby and Ness looked at each other.

"Stay away from her..." both said at the same time.

_Editors_

"Cut straight to morning!" cried the editors, disgusted.

_Morning_

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Mario, let's leave the frats here," said Bowser.

"But I want-a Fox to come!" whined Mario.

"He's on another team!" raged Bowser. "Listen, someone is going to be eliminated today, and it's going to be us if you delay us!"

"Fine-a, but if Fox-a gets eliminated, I'll never forgive-a you!" threatened Mario.

Bowser picked up the sleeping Marth and Fox and ran to the train station's gift shop.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Arr, everyone went to different places, n'yarrgh..." said Roy. "We don't know what place we be in!"

"We're scared we could be in like, last!" revealed Ganondorf fearfully.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Our hotel was a few blocks away from the gift shop in the train station," said Kirby. "So we could be last, everyone else got places really close."

"We just hope someone went to the Shadow Moses Hotel," hoped Ness. "It's really far away compared to the cheaper hotels!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_



"We need to hurry!" barked Mewtwo. "Everyone probably slept at the station!"

"No they didn't!" cheered Jigglypuff.

"How do you know?" asked Mewtwo.

"How don't _you_ know?" replied Jigglypuff. "You're a psychic."

"Die!" yelled Mewtwo, setting Jigglypuff on fire again.

Their cab arrived at the station.

"We were in a cab?" asked Jigglypuff.

"Yeah, because our hotel was far away," explained Mewtwo.

"Everyone else is here too!" cheered Jigglypuff.

"Damn, I thought at least one of these people would get arrested," said Mewtwo.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"We're not going out today," said Ness, looking around at the other four teams.

"Ness, the Pokemon are our only threats," smiled Kirby. "Everyone else is in love with each other, they'll be distracted!"

"We'll be fine!" said Ness.

...

...

"As long as you stay away from Samus," said Kirby and Ness at the same time.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Dude, it's so tense trying to find this gift shop," said Marth. "There's just the Detour left, and we all think someone's going to be eliminated,"

"I just hope it's Mario, man," said Fox. "He thinks I'm smart and funny."

"This is so lame, dude!" complained Marth. "Why can't we just say ho-"

"SMART AND FUNNY!" cried Fox. "I'll use it in a sentence: I think you're smart and funny! There! It's not so hard to confess your love for someone!"

"What, dude?" asked Marth, taking his finger out of his ear.



"Oh, you animal..." simpered Fox.

"Anyway man, this fight to get to the Detour clue's gonna be totally epic and tense, as soon as we come back from Crazy Hand's tryouts!" smiled Marth at the ROB cameraman.

* * *

"Brother!" cried Crazy Hand. "Push that...that thing out of the window!"

"mI nA3m iz Elanor-" began the fox-wolf-frog-ancient-fire-goddess-blood-diamond-pizza, but Master Hand grabbed it.

"I don't care!" grunted Master Hand, trying to prise the newcomer off of the wall.

"I k3n fliiiii!"

"My IQ! It's lowering!" screamed Master Hand. "My precious, precious brain! It hurts!"

"li3k is sn3ak in t3h raec?"

"I can feel it too!" shouted Crazy Hand. "We can't do anything!"

"Yes, we can!" replied Master Hand. "We can fight it with our brains!"

Master Hand made his way to the bookcase and picked up a book on algebra.

"...Crazy, what does this say?" asked Master Hand.

"We don't have eyes!" realised Crazy Hand, swatting the book away.

"us dAt buK 4 mi?"

"THERE'S ONLY ONE ESCAPE!" bellowed Master Hand.

"Don't do it, brother!" panicked Crazy Hand.

Master Hand shot himself.

"NUUUUUUUUUUUEZ!" screamed Crazy Hand.

...

"This sucks."

* * *

The five teams all met up and skipped arm in arm to the cluebox, in a totally epic and tense manner.

"Detour!" read Ness, Ganondorf, Fox, Mewtwo and Mario.

"Sundance or Foxhound?" asked Kirby, Roy, Marth, Jigglypuff and Bowser.

"_A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" said Crazy Hand, being savagely beaten up. "In this Detour: Sundance or Foxhound?"_

"_In Sundance, teams must travel by car to Shadow Moses Cineplex, where the Sundance film festival is currently touring in! Once there, teams will have to search hundreds of screen rooms to find Otacon, who will give them their next clue!"_

"_In Foxhound, teams must find a way to the Shadow Moses Laboratory, where they will use a Metal Gear to hit a target in another target task! Once they hit the small target in their huge mechs of death, they will receive their next clue!"_

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Let's do Sundance, we love the movies!" decided Bowser.

"I brought-a all my favourite cinema stuff-a!" said Mario.

"...Thumbtacks?" asked Bowser.

"I like-a to heckle," shrugged Mario.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Arr, Sundance, we did targets last leg," said Roy.

"Like, you mean I did," argued Ganondorf. "But at least we get to go to a film festival!"

"But it's independent films, yarr..." said Roy.

"Oh," said Ganondorf. "Let's go heckle!"

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Sundance," decided Kirby. "That okay with you?"

"Sounds cool," agreed Ness. "Just as long as we get to heckle."

"That sounds absolutely wonderful," smiled Kirby.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Dude, let's look for the Metal Gears," decided Marth.

"But bro, I totally screwed up target tasks last leg!" said Fox.

"Only one way to get better, come on, let's go!" said Marth, walking off.



"He may be smart and funny, but he's not too smart..." Fox told himself.

...

"Wait, what?" Fox asked himself.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"We're doing the violent one," said Mewtwo. "No questions asked."

"Are you sure?" asked Jigglypuff. "We should think it over-"

"PICK UP THE PACE, DAMN YOU!" raged Mewtwo. "We have to go!"

"Can I see one of your stress balls please, sweetie?" asked Jigglypuff cutely.

"Fine, but if you call me that again it's going in your ear and twisting," agreed Mewtwo, giving Jigglypuff a stress ball.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2nd Place_

"We can't afford to get lost again, we're all so close together," said Bowser nervously, getting into a car.

"Follow Roy and Ganondorf-a!" decided Mario, pointing at them.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Ganondorf looked out the window behind him.

"Like, a team's following us!" cried Ganondorf.

"Yarr, I'll try and shake off tharr landlubbers," said Roy.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Be careful not to lose the other teams that picked Sundance!" warned Ness.

"Should we check we're going the right way?" asked Kirby.

"Can't hurt," decided Ness. He got out the car and walked over to a guard.

"Excuse me, but I am a lost little boy," said Ness innocently. "Can you tell me how to get to the cinema?"

"You will enlist in the Alaskan army!" barked the guard in a clichéd Southern accent. "Do not escape! You will be met shortly with guard dogs and sniper fire if you even think about leaving!"



"What?" asked Ness, confused.

"Private Sterkowitch, we've been expecting you!" said a second guard, walking over.

Kirby got out of the car too.

"Ness, what's going on?" asked Kirby.

"We're going to win the war on terror!" barked one of the guards. "Private Sterkowitch, you and your puffball are going to Iraq after basic training!"

"We may have hit a snag," Ness told Kirby.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Looks like it's just us and the Pokemon ridin' the Metal Gears, dude," said Marth.

"I wanna ride _your_ smart and funny Metal Gear, babe..." crooned Fox, leering at Marth.

"Dude, what the hell's up with you?" asked Marth. "Are you pretending I'm like, that blue chick or whatever?"

...

"Of course, man!" said Fox defensively.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Are the frats going the right way?" asked Mewtwo, driving with his mind. "I'm not following them only to get lost! ANSWER ME!"

"I think they are!" panicked Jigglypuff. "I don't know! I can't read this map!"

"Keep going," said Mewtwo.

"I can't read maps!" sobbed Jigglypuff.

"One more time..." sighed Mewtwo.

"I can't read," said Jigglypuff.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Here's the cinema!" cheered Ganondorf. "Like, park here!"

Roy parked the car, and ran out seconds before Mario and Bowser arrived.

"Is this the place-a?" asked Mario as soon as he saw Roy and Ganondorf.

"Yarr, you should know, you followed us," joked Roy.

"That was lame," scoffed Bowser derisively.

"At least I be in Brawl," retorted Roy.

"No. No-no, you're not," said Bowser.

Roy walked away, embarrassed.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Listen to me, Mr. Sergeant McJerk," said Ness slowly and clearly. "I'm not Private Sterkowitch, let me and my puffball go."

"Didn't I warn you?" asked Sergeant McJ-the guard. "I warned y'all! Guard dogs and sniper fire!"

The guard clicked his heels three times, and guard dogs appeared as sniper towers started firing. Also, the guard ended up going home, because there's no place like home.

"I'll save us!" smiled Kirby.

Kirby swallowed a guard dog to become Rabid Kirby.

"Come get some!" threatened Kirby, foaming at the mouth.

All of the dogs, scared, ran from Kirby and instead all pounced on Ness.

"Good plan, you f-" began Ness, being mauled alive.

Kirby jumped in the car, ran over a few rabid guard puppies in front of their feral mothers, and picked up a bloody Ness.

"It had two parts, Ness!" grinned Kirby, driving off into the sunset on an epic adventure.

"Other way, still racing," sighed Ness.

"I knew that," said Kirby, turning around.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"How far is the rooftop laboratory, dude?" asked Marth. "We've been scaling the outside wall for a few Marth and Fox scenes now!"

"That's some handy exposition, man," said Fox, climbing the wall.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Sad, sad fraternity brothers," scoffed Mewtwo. "Why scale a wall, when you can just –"

Mewtwo used his psychic powers to rip some skin off of Jigglypuff's face and craft a new aerodynamic fin on her back. He then threw her up onto the roof, and teleported there soon after.

"-do that?" finished Mewtwo. "Any idiot can do it! Now we're ahead of them!"

_Marth and Fox  
__On Foxhound_

"Damn dude, the Pokemon are ahead of us!" cried Marth, scrambling up to the laboratory.

"What Metal Gear should we pick, man?" asked Fox, following suit.

"No idea bro, better ask this guy," decided Marth, pulling aside the first person he saw.

"Hi guys!" waved Jigglypuff. "What Metal Gear are you picking?"

Marth ignored her, and turned to his person. "What Metal Gear's the best one, dude?"

"Personally, I prefer the Ray," replied the man, who may or may not be Ocelot.

"Great, thanks," thanked Marth, turning back to Jigglypuff. "We're picking Metal Gear Ray, but apparently Rex is better, dudette,"

"Okay!" smiled Jigglypuff, skipping away.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__On Sundance_

"Arr, what screen be Otacon in?" Roy asked the Cineplex manager.

"He's in screen room 3-C a few levels up, we have state of the art elevators that will take you to the tenth floor," replied the manager.

"Like, thanks!" thanked Ganondorf, getting in the elevator. "At least these elevators don't like, talk!"

"What ones?" asked the talking elevator.

"Aw crap-a!" grunted Mario, getting in the elevator with Bowser. "We thought-a we were done with elevators-a that talk-a!"

The door snapped shut on Mario's foot.

"Arr, karma," chuckled Roy.

"It's the tenth floor, right?" checked Bowser.

"Like, that's what we got told," nodded Ganondorf.



Bowser pressed 1 too hard with his stupid huge strong fingers, and they winded up going to the eleventh floor.

"Idiot-a!" screeched Mario, punching Bowser.

_Marth and Fox  
__On Foxhound_

"Okay dude, we have to get in that Metal Gear and blast the target," said Marth, reading the clue again.

"Let's go fast man, the Pokemon are right behind us!" panicked Fox.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__On Foxhound_

"I've been waiting so long to do a task like this," smirked Mewtwo evilly.

"Before the race started, Mewtwo even mail-ordered a book on gunning down people!" revealed Jigglypuff. "And I got Dr. Seuss' book on gunning down immigrants who steal holidays!"

Mewtwo climbed inside Metal Gear Rex, and aimed at the target.

"We're gonna have fun with this thing," said Mewtwo calmly.

"I like fun!" cheered Jigglypuff.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Roy and Ganondorf  
__On Sundance_

"Here we go, tenth floor," said Ganondorf. "Like, we would have got there faster if it wasn't for _Bowser_,"

"Arr, tis true, ye ruined it, turtle demon," scolded Roy, as the four racers walked into screen 3-C.

"Oh my god!" screamed a man in the audience. "FIIIIIIRE EMBLEM! I love your games! I play them all the time because I have no life! Just as long as it doesn't interfere with Dragon Ball Z Marathon Monday!"

"Ew," said Ganondorf.

"Where can we find Otacon?" asked Bowser.

"I'm Otacon, silly!" cheered Otacon. "Just wait while I finish drawing this kanjihentaiotherJapanese wordsi picture of you and Mario!"

"Sicko-a!" protested Mario.

"Can I keep that?" whispered Bowser.



"Okay hasty-hastes, here's your clue!" giggled Otacon. "Squee!"

"Like, that man's scary," said Ganondorf fearfully.

"Yarr, go to Shadow Moses Weapons Complex Alpha," read Roy.

"_Teams must now go to Shadow Moses Weapons Complex Alpha!" said Crazy Hand, dodging flaming pizza slices. "This factory, producing thousands of weapons equipment a week, is the pit stop for this leg of the race! The last team to arrive may be eliminated!"_

"Let's check out a map," decided Bowser.

"You can have mine!" smiled Otacon. "I helped Bowser-kun! I'm the greates-"

Bowser punched Otacon in the face.

_Marth and Fox  
__On Foxhound_

The frats scurried into the cockpit of Metal Gear Ray.

"Dude, there's machine guns on this thing!" called Marth.

"Let's shoot up the target, bro!" said Fox confidently.

Marth and Fox armed a machine gun each and fired wildly at the wall where the target was.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__On Foxhound_

"I can't reach the gun!" sobbed Jigglypuff, trying and failing to grab the trigger.

"You're pathetic and weak!" raged Mewtwo, kicking Jigglypuff in the face.

"Why won't you help me?" cried Jigglypuff, tears streaming down her face.

"It's funnier this way," explained Mewtwo, stabbing Jigglypuff in the throat.

_Marth and Fox  
__On Foxhound_

"Only one of the Pokemon's guns are firing, man!" called Fox over the noise of machine gun fire.

"We're gonna finish this first, dude!" smiled Marth. "I got it!"

Marth's shot hit the target on the left side.

"Nice shooting, seeing you on that gun made me all smart and funny!" said Fox.

"Dude, what?" asked Marth.



"Nothing," replied Fox hastily.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__On Foxhound_

"Are you sure this is me helping?" asked Jigglypuff, stuffed into Mewtwo's gun.

"Yes, of course, now hold still," said Mewtwo.

Mewtwo fired the gun, and Jigglypuff flew out and hit the target.

"Weapons Complex!" read Mewtwo, bringing Jigglypuff back with his mind. "We need to get ahead of the fraternity brothers!"

_Mario and Bowser  
__Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

The two teams walked out into the lobby, and Roy and Bowser spread Otacon's map out over a table.

"We're staying-a with you," said Mario. "Bowser makes-a too many mistakes and is too whiny-a, and you guys are good navigators-a!"

"Roy served in like, the navy or whatever, he read a lot of sea charts," explained Ganondorf.

"Arr, Bowsaaar, I'll take Otacon's map, and you can follow us to the pit stop," allowed Roy. "We want you guys to serrrrvive this leg,"

"I'll pass," said Bowser. "If we give you the map then get separated, Mario and I won't have any idea where we're going."

"That be fine," said Roy. "We'll be on arr way with our small map, then,"

"You like, hear that?" smirked Ganondorf, turning to Mario. "We're ditching you!" he lied.

"Why-a would you do that-a!?" fumed Mario angrily.

"Bowser won't give Roy Otacon's map," sneered Ganondorf.

"I'm-a gonna talk-a to Bowser about-a this!" yelled Mario, shoving Ganondorf aside.

"Arr, did he fall fer yer trick?" asked Roy.

"Like, perfectly," laughed Ganondorf. "Now they'll break down again and get totally eliminated!"

"Why won't-a you give Roy-a the map?" screamed Mario at Bowser. "They're-a gonna let us follow them-a!"

"It's important we keep it Mario, we're worse navigators than Roy and Ganondorf," replied Bowser calmly.

Mario snatched the map from Bowser and handed it to Ganondorf.

"Like Mario, calm down. We're not actually ditching you," said Ganondorf, surprised.

"What are we going to do if we get separated from Roy and Ganondorf, huh Mario?" asked Bowser testily.

"That won't-a happen!" screeched Mario brattishly.

"Bowser, like, Roy and I have a smaller map from the airport, want it in exchange for Otacon's?" asked Ganondorf, nervously eyeing Mario.

"No-a!" shrieked Mario. "Mario want follow-a you!"

"Don't like, yell," scolded Ganondorf cattishly as Mario stomped off, pouting.

"Yarr, let's just go," sighed Roy, shaking his head exasperatedly.

"Bowser-a, what's wrong with you?" asked Mario angrily, crying.

"Excuse me for a second, guys," apologised Bowser, walking away.

Roy and Ganondorf looked at each other, then walked off.

"We could follow-a them!" choked Mario through tears.

"Mario, why are you making a scene in a crowded movie theatre?" asked Bowser, trying to stay calm. "And why are you blaming everything on me? Don't you realise how stupid you sound?"

"You don't-a let me make any decisions-a!" whined Mario.

"All the decisions you've made have been nothing but delays and trouble," replied Bowser through gritted teeth.

Mario grunted in frustration.

* * *

Crazy Hand picked up Master Hand's body.

"Brother, no!" sobbed Crazy Hand. "Happy now? You've killed Master Hand!"

"i liek handman."

"Shut up!" shouted Crazy Hand, grief-stricken. "Just get out! You'll never be on my show! Ever!"

"Camwa."

The insane OC pointed at the cameraman, who had been recording everything.



"Stop rolling!" screamed Crazy Hand. "Do I look like I want this aired? No more OCs! Ever! It was a stupid idea to suggest them from people!"

Crazy Hand burst into tears and hugged Master Hand's body.

"I kno!" proclaimed the OC. She wrote a sticky note that read 'I ded it! Singed n0ss', stuck it to the door, and left peacefully and anti-climatically.

* * *

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Marth and Fox left the laboratory, and quickly cornered a guy for directions.

"Dude, where's Weapons Complex Alpha?" asked Marth. "We're in a hurry!"

"It's over there, guys," said the friendly guy, pointing.

"Bro, we gotta smoke the Pokemon!" declared Fox. "The other three teams probably finished Sundance by now!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Urgent! Emergency!" bellowed Mewtwo, running out of the laboratory. "We need to clear a path to get the fraternity brothers!"

"What do you need me to do?" asked Jigglypuff dutifully.

"Hug that guy!" ordered Mewtwo, throwing Jigglypuff at a guard. "And that guy!"

Mewtwo threw Jigglypuff through a crowd of guards, watching them all get hugged.

"More of a low-key type of violence, but it's cool," Mewtwo told the camera.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Meanwhile, Mario continued to harass Bowser.

"Roy and-a Ganondorf just led us to the cinema, then-a they offered to lead-a us to the pit stop-a!" whined Mario. "Why didn't-a you let them?"

"You know what?" asked Bowser simply. "I don't have to take this. You've just made me lose my crush on you."

Immediately after realising what he said, Bowser clapped a hand over his mouth.

"You had a crush-a on me?" asked Mario, disgusted.

"No!" lied Bowser.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Arr, we led Marrrio and Bowser to the movies," recalled Roy. "And if they don't want to share Otacon's map, it be their problem, n'yarrgh..."

"Like, what are you saying?" asked Ganondorf, uncertain of Roy's motives.

"I'm not trying to lose them," said Roy. "But if we do get separrrated, I'm not fer worryin', yarr..."

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in Last Place_

Kirby and Ness, still on their epic adventure, drove up to the movie theatre.

"Let's make up for lost time!" cried Ness.

"Otacon's on the tenth floor!" replied Kirby.

Kirby and Ness scrambled into an elevator and hammered 1 and 0 on the keypad repeatedly.

"Go! Go! Go!" chanted Kirby and Ness desperately.

The elevator stopped, and Kirby and Ness tumbled out.

"KAWAIII!" screamed Otacon immediately upon seeing Kirby.

"The hell does that even mean?" asked Ness, confused.

"I'll dance if you give me the clue!" Kirby told Otacon frantically.

"Here's the clue!" cheered Otacon enthusiastically. "Now dance!"

Kirby performed a SHFFL'd-bair into d-throw, then wavedashed away. Into the sunset. Again.

"Wait up!" called Ness, jumping out the window to get to the car faster.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Yarr, Ganondorf, I be telling you, losing Mario and Bowsarr won't be a problem," assured Roy.

"I'm not like, gonna try lose them after I told Mario we wouldn't," argued Ganondorf stubbornly.

"We have to win a leg, yarr..." said Roy quietly.

"We don't have to win anything until like, the final leg," replied Ganondorf simply.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in Last Place_

Kirby and Ness ran back into their car, and Kirby frantically felt around inside the glove compartment.

"A map!" gasped Kirby, showing Ness. "It has the weapons complex on it!"

"The clue says Weapons Complex Alpha," read Ness. "How many others are there?"

"Three, Alpha, Beta and Gamma!" said Kirby. "We're closest to Beta, so we need to remember not to go in the first complex we see!"

"I hope someone else makes that mistake," hoped Ness feverishly.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"We're not having a great time right now," explained Jigglypuff. "I can't read maps or drive, so we're screwed in a car no matter what we do!"

"LEARN TO READ!" shouted Mewtwo, hitting Jigglypuff with a small (read: huge) library.

"Square gray block means weapons complex!" grinned Jigglypuff, having an epiphany. "Now we're unstoppable!"

_Weapons Complex Beta_

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Dude, this is it!" grinned Marth. "Drop your bags and run!"

Marth and Fox ran inside the complex, but were immediately confused.

"Where's Crazy Hand, bro?" asked Fox. "Or the mat?"

"I saw two hands carry a mat over to Alpha a couple days ago, mac," said a nearby guard.

"This _is_ Alpha, man," replied Fox. "Are you stupid or something?"

"Noooo..." said the guard slowly. "This is Weapons Complex Beta."

"Marth, you idiot!" said Fox. "Man, you took us to the wrong place! Suddenly I'm not finding you so smart and funny anymore!"

"You thought I was ho-" began Marth.

"SMART! AND! FUNNY!" shouted Fox.

The frats ran back outside to their car.

"Alpha's back that way!" called the guard, pointing.

_Weapons Complex Alpha_

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf got out the car, and ran inside the complex.

"There's like, the mat!" pointed Ganondorf. "But where's Crazy Hand?"

"Arr, I not be knowin'..." replied Roy. "Wait, what be that thing?"

Roy pointed to a fox-wolf frog ancient goddess fire blood diamond pizza that had just ran out of a door.

"omg raec4rs!" cried the...thing.

"It's horrible!" screamed Ganondorf, covering his ears.

"My ears! They be bleeding!" screamed Roy, buckling to his knees in anguish.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mario and Bowser parked at the back entrance to the complex, and walked inside to find Master Hand dead on the floor, and Crazy Hand making a noose.

"What the fork is going on?" asked Bowser, being censored.

"I held trials for second season applicants!" replied Crazy Hand sadly. "And one applicant appeared, and Master Hand killed himself, and the applicant's roaming the streets!"

"Streets-a?" asked Mario. "What streets-a are in Shadow Moses Island?"

"Oh, you know, the ones next to the _cinema_ and _train station_," replied Bowser sarcastically.

"I have to kill myself too!" explained Crazy Hand. "The race is off! The applicant's probably got to more teams by now!"

"Don't kill yourself!" gasped Bowser. "Just kill the applicant! What's more important: committing suicide because a crazed stranger made your brother take his own life, or seeing a televised event through to the end?"

"You're right!" realised Crazy Hand. "I've got to check teams in! See you at the pit stop!"

Crazy Hand opened the door and left.

"Isn't-a this the pit stop?" asked Mario.

"Son of a bitch!" cursed Bowser, following Crazy Hand out of the door.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Jigglypuff, for the last time, there are three weapons complexes!" shouted Mewtwo. "Now direct me to Alpha!"

Jigglypuff hesitated. "B-but I can't read..."

"Waaa, waa, I'm Jigglypuff and I can't read!" mocked Mewtwo in a baby voice. "Suck it up!"

Jigglypuff swallowed her pride and pointed to one of the complexes.

"_Thank _you!" said Mewtwo, exasperated.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in Last Place_

"We know exactly where we're going, we know where Alpha is!" grinned Kirby.

"Maybe we can return to glory!" smiled Ness.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"You there, guard!" barked Mewtwo. "Where can I find a floating hand and a mat?"

"Couple miles that way," chortled the guard. "You want Alpha, this is Beta."

"JIGGLYPUFF!" shouted Mewtwo, angry as could be.

"I told you I couldn't read!" sobbed Jigglypuff.

"Now there's a car passing by here!" yelled Mewtwo. "They know where to go!"

Mewtwo looked at the car.

"It's Kirby and Ness!" fumed Mewtwo. "Get back to the car, I'll show them what I'm made of!"

_Weapons Complex Alpha_

"I feel like my life can start anew!" grinned Crazy Hand cheerily, stepping out onto the pit stop.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Dude, we're here!" grinned Marth, running out of the car.

"There's Roy and Ganondorf, man!" celebrated Fox. "We can beat them!"

"Like, please help us!" sobbed Ganondorf, gasping for air. "We got attacked by that thing!"



Ganondorf weakly pointed to the enigmatic OC, who was beating Roy with a stick.

"pirat3s r fun!"

"Dude, Fox, should we help them?" asked Marth uncertainly.

"And risk getting attacked?" asked Fox incredulously. "The hell with that plan, man!"

"I guess you're right, dude..." said Marth. "Ganondorf's pretty resourceful, she'll work something out."

"She?" asked Fox. "Ganon's a guy, bud."

Marth's eyes widened. "I need air, dude!" he shouted.

"It'll be okay man, just come with me," said Fox, dragging Marth along to the pit stop mat.

"Marth and Fox, you're team number one!" said a rejuvenated Crazy Hand.

"What is that thing, dude?" Marth asked Crazy Hand immediately.

"It's an OC," sighed Crazy Hand. "Alan or something."

"I know what to do now that we've won, man!" said Fox, pulling out a tranquilizer gun.

Fox shot the OC in the back with a dart, and she fell asleep immediately.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Go-a!" yelled Mario, abruptly bursting through the back door with Bowser in tow.

"The frats are here!" called Bowser, surprised.

"Doesn't-a matter, we can still beat-a Roy and Ganon in a footrace-a!" said Mario confidently.

"Yarr, Fox, I be owin' you one!" proclaimed Roy, throwing Alan (?) at Mario and Bowser.

"FSHDAHHAGDWTGFA!" yelled Mario, being hit in the face.

Roy and Ganondorf limped weakly onto the mat.

"Roy and Ganondorf, you're team number two!" said Crazy Hand.

Ganondorf weakly shook Crazy Hand's thumb, and Roy smiled.

"Like, we just need to stay alive," panted Ganondorf.

"Yarr, tough leg," nodded Roy.

Cursing profoundly, Mario and Bowser stepped onto the mat.

"Who-a put this thing-a to sleep?" asked Mario, enraged. "I hate whoever-a did it!"

Fox took his chance.

"It was me, Mario!" confessed Fox.

"I hate-a you!" whined Mario.

"YES!" celebrated Fox.

"Mario and Bowser, you're team number three!" awarded Crazy Hand.

"We're still-a the best ones," sniffed Mario huffily.

Bowser sighed.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Kirby and Ness know where they're going, follow them!" ordered Mewtwo.

"I'm really, really sorry I couldn't read!" apologised Jigglypuff.

"No time, I'll strike you later!" replied Mewtwo.

_Kirby and Ness  
__Currently in 4__th__ Place_

"Nice guys aren't gonna finish last, not this time!" cheered Kirby as Ness drove.

"They're following us, we need to outrun them!" warned Ness, looking at the wing mirror.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Just tell me this, cretin: are you ready to run?" asked Mewtwo.

"I was born ready!" proclaimed Jigglypuff, cutting her foot into a more aerodynamic shape.

_Kirby and Ness_

"Here's the right Weapons Complex!" said Kirby.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"Here's the right Weapons Complex!" said Kir-Mewtwo.

_Weapons Complex Alpha_

Both teams got out their cars and searched for the mat.

"Well, if it isn't the puffball and the psychic!" said Kirby and Jigglypuff at the same time.

"You caught up to us, huh?" asked Ness cockily.

"We sure did," replied Mewtwo coldly. "Now, how are we going to settle this debate over who steps on the mat first?"

"We could have a nice, friendly game of Rock – Paper – Scissors," suggested Kirby.

"Capital idea," agreed Mewtwo. "Let's all put our hands in!"

"Hold the phone," said Ness. "The puffballs can't do paper or scissors."

"Aw man!" cursed Jigglypuff, stomping off to the pit stop.

"Fiddlesticks," said Kirby, following Jigglypuff to the pit stop.

"I guess that just leaves you and me, huh Mewtwo?" smiled Ness politely. "Let's go with the rocking and the papering and whatnot!"

Mewtwo nodded grimly, and they both put their hands behind their backs.

"One..."

"Two..."

"Three!"

Ness had paper. Mewtwo had rock.

"Ha! Paper covers rock! I win!" cheered Ness.

"Congratulations!" smiled Mewtwo pleasantly. "May I have a handshake!"

Ness extended his hand graciously.

Mewtwo ripped it off and threw it in a trashcan.

"That was too easy!" laughed Mewtwo evilly, teleporting to the pit stop.

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you're team number four!" awarded Crazy Hand.

"Congratulations!" congratulated Kirby. "Sure is a good thing Ike and Pit are still far behind enough to come sixth!"

Ness ran up to the mat, clutching his bleeding stump and crying.

"Kirby and Ness, you are the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand grimly.

"Oh, that's right!" said Kirby, slapping his forehead. "Ike and Pit are out!"

"I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the race," said Crazy Hand.

"Well, you win some, you lose some," said Kirby. "Put 'er there, Ness old chum!"

Ness extended the hand he still had.

Kirby ripped it off and threw it in a trashcan.

"THAT'S FOR DRUGGING ME, YOU PSYCHIC FREAK!" raged Kirby, his syringe falling out.

"Kirby, show Ness some respect!" scolded Crazy Hand. He picked up the sticky note.

"I ded it, signed n0ss?" read Crazy Hand. "You killed my brother! Get off my show!"

Ness passed out from blood loss.

* * *

Arrival Times?!

Marth and Fox: 10:32am

Roy and Ganondorf: 10:33am

Mario and Bowser: 10:34am

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff: 10:45am

Kirby and Ness: 10:47am – **ELIMINATED**

* * *

"Next time, on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" said Crazy Hand. "Eleven teams set out on a race around the world!"

"Teams go to Hyrule, where Marth and Fox repeatedly beat Mario and Bowser!"

"Pichu and Young Link take a Fast Forward!"

"And DK and Meta-Knight make history as the first team eliminated!"

* * *

Read, review, tell me who you want eliminated, share favourite teams, moments, the usual!


	10. Facing Fears in Port Town!

Here's the tenthiest of all the legs imaginable! Don't worry, I won't ask for your money until after the leg's over. I will however take your first born children in a basket, thanks.

* * *

"Previously on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" said Crazy Hand. "Five teams left Trial City and made their way to Shadow Moses Island!"

"Some of the racers revealed deeply hidden crushes!"

"_This is so lame, dude!" complained Marth. "Why can't we just say ho-"_

"_SMART AND FUNNY!" cried Fox. "I'll use it in a sentence: I think you're smart and funny! There! It's not so hard to confess your love for someone!"_

"_What, dude?" asked Marth, taking his finger out of his ear._

"_Oh, you animal..." simpered Fox._

-

"_Hey, sexy..." droned Marth suavely, stroking Ganondorf's leg. "Have I ever told you how freakin' hot you are?"_

-

"_Is there something-a going on between you two teams-a?" asked Mario, raising an eyebrow._

"_No, no, no!" said Fox defensively. "Why?"_

"_Well-a..." said Mario, lustfully stroking Fox's leg, "I want-a in."_

-

"_I'm Otacon, silly!" cheered Otacon. "Just wait while I finish drawing this kanjihentaiotherJapanese wordsi picture of you and Mario!"_

"_Sicko-a!" protested Mario._

"_Can I keep that?" whispered Bowser._

"When it came to working together, Ganondorf caused Mario to have a meltdown!"

"_You like, hear that?" smirked Ganondorf, turning to Mario. "We're ditching you!" he lied._

"_Why-a would you do that-a!?" fumed Mario angrily._

"_Bowser won't give Roy Otacon's map," sneered Ganondorf._

"_I'm-a gonna talk-a to Bowser about-a this!" yelled Mario, shoving Ganondorf aside._

"In the end, Marth and Fox resisted a lunatic and finished first instead of what could have been third! Mewtwo and Jigglypuff squandered an early lead, but a last-minute sabotage on Kirby and Ness – "

"_Ha! Paper covers rock! I win!" cheered Ness._

"_Congratulations!" smiled Mewtwo pleasantly. "May I have a handshake!"_

_Ness extended his hand graciously._

_Mewtwo ripped it off and threw it in a trashcan._

" – caused the downfall of one of the two puffball-psychic teams!"

"_Well, you win some, you lose some," said Kirby. "Put 'er there, Ness old chum!"_

_Ness extended the hand he still had._

_Kirby ripped it off and threw it in a trashcan._

"_THAT'S FOR DRUGGING ME, YOU PSYCHIC FREAK!" raged Kirby, his syringe falling out._

"Four teams remain, who will be eliminated next?" asked Crazy Hand.

* * *

Remaining Teams! (With current average finishes?!)

Marth/Fox (3.22)

Roy/Ganondorf (4.11)

Mario/Bowser (3)

Mewtwo/Jigglypuff (5)

* * *

"This is Weapons Complex Alpha!" said Crazy Hand, floating around for the camera. "This complex, manufacturing weapons from handguns to Metal Gears, was the ninth pit stop in a race around the world! Teams arrived here at the end of the last leg for a mandatory rest period, where they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams!"

_Pee Wee Herman had been hired to entertain the racers. _

_They were less than amused._

"Will the tension Mario causes everywhere around him be his own downfall? Will Mewtwo and Jigglypuff rise from last place?" wondered Crazy Hand, floating over Pee Wee Herman's corpse. "Marth and Fox, who were first to arrive at 10:32am, will depart at 10:32pm!"

_Marth and Fox  
__1__st__ to Depart, 10:32am_

Fox opened the clue.

"Go to Weapons Complex Gamma, and pick up the handgun with your name on it," read Fox.

"_Teams must now travel to Weapons Complex Gamma, a short cab ride away, and search through a pile of weapons until they find a handgun with their name engraved on it!" said Crazy Hand. "Once they find their gun, they must shoot a piñata! Their next clue will then fall out!"_

"Dude, the race is really on now, we have to do everything carefully!" said Marth.

"It's the final four bro, if we mess up now, it's all over!" agreed Fox.

Marth and Fox crossed the street and were hit by their own taxi.

"I can take you to Weapons Complex Gamma!" said a drunk driver who incidentally happened to be Gray Fox.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__2__nd__ to Depart, 10:33am_

"Like, Roy and I have totally gained more respect for each other in the last few legs!" smiled Ganondorf. "We might not have won any legs yet, but like, coming second twice in a row is better than going from first to last!"

"Yarr, tis true," put in Roy. "I really feel that we're doin' best right now out of the farrr teams that be left,"

Roy and Ganondorf piled smugly into a cab and left.

_Mario and Bowser  
__3__rd__ to Depart, 10:34am_

"You have 400 dollars for this leg of the race," read Bowser as he finished reading the clue.

"Bowser-a and I started last leg as-a the underdogs," Mario told the camera. "But we bounced-a back, and we can do it again-a!"

"I didn't think we'd make it, with Mario's short fuse!" said Bowser. "But here we are, in the top four!"

"We're-a gonna win!" smiled Mario.

Suddenly, Mario pulled a gun out and aimed at Bowser's face.

"Or else-a..." threatened Mario.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Gray Fox crashed the cab into the side of Weapons Complex Gamma.

"Enjoy your stay!" smiled Gray Fox brightly.

His eye glowed bright red.

"Make me feel alive again..." droned Gray Fox creepily.

"Dude, go away," shooed Marth, spraying mace at Gray Fox.

"You can't defeat me with a weapon like that," hissed Gray Fox, slinking off into the shadows.

...

"Wow, Gamma's nice, man!" observed Fox, looking at the orderly stacks of weapons.

"Yeah dude, I thought we had to search through a pile!" agreed Marth.

"And here's our gun, right at the top!" laughed Fox, taking a handgun with their names on it.

"Okay dude, let's shoot the piñata!" said Marth.

Fox shot it in the face and a clue fell out.

"Fly to Port Town..." read Fox.

"_Teams must now fly to Port Town, Captain Falcon's homeland!" said Crazy Hand. "Once there, they must make their way to Falcon Square, a square recognisable by its statue of Captain Falcon himself! Here, teams will find their next clue!"_

"_Marked shuttles will take teams directly to the airport, arriving at Weapons Complex Gamma every five minutes! However, each shuttle is only big enough for one team, and they're first come, first served!"_

"Ours'll be here in a second man, we've got time to just hang out," said Fox, checking his watch.

"Coolie," replied Marth.

The frats' shuttle arrived.

"More coolie," said Marth.

"I was done hangin' out anyway," replied Fox, getting in.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Like, 'Roy and Ganondorf', here's our gun!" pointed out Ganondorf, almost as soon as they ran into Weapons Complex Gamma.

"Arr, put Marrrio and Bowser's at the top so they can find it quick, and we can all stay ahead of the Pokemon," said Roy.

Ganondorf shot the piñata, took the clue, and then searched through the pile for Mario and Bowser's gun.

"Like, got it!" smiled Ganondorf, putting it in an easy to find spot.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Here-a it is! Gamma!" called Mario, and they ran out of their cab into Weapons Complex Gamma.

"Aren't you gonna pay me?" asked Raiden, the driver. Mario ran back.

"Sorry ma'am, here-a you go," said Mario, giving Raiden a shiny new sixpence.

"I'm not a woman," said Raiden flatly, but Mario and Bowser had already left.

"Hey, look, our gun's easy to find!" chuckled Bowser, picking it up. "What luck!"

"Awesome-a!" cheered Mario, gunning down a clue from the piñata's face.

Mario and Bowser ran outside to find Roy and Ganondorf boarding their shuttle.

"Damn," damned Bowser.

"I think-a Roy and Ganon are a bigger-a threat than we thought-a," said Mario. "They've got both-a brains and brawn-a!"

"Or they have luck and brawn," scoffed Bowser.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Last to Depart, 10:45pm_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff read the clue and checked their money.

"I'm the only girl left in the race," Jigglypuff told the camera. "And last leg, a lot of the boys turned gay for each other, so I better watch out in case any of them try dating me to make themselves feel straight!"

"That doesn't make any sense," replied Mewtwo. "I think you just wanted airtime."

"I just wanted to actually do something important..." admitted Jigglypuff sadly.

"Yeah, well, you failed," retorted Mewtwo.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Mario and Bowser got into their shuttle.

"This'll be a long trip..." sighed Bowser. "We're pretty far from the airport."

"How-a do you know?" asked Mario.

"I checked Otacon's map," replied Bowser, pulling out the map from the previous leg.

"You mean-a the map you wouldn't give-a Roy?" asked Mario angrily.

"It's gonna be an even longer trip..." lamented Bowser, realising he set Mario off again.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Gun!" yelled Mewtwo, running into Weapons Complex Gamma and summoning his gun with his mind.

"Clue!" yelled Mewtwo, gunning down the piñata.

"We're a very relaxed team!" Jigglypuff beamed at the camera.

Mewtwo ripped some guards apart while waiting for the shuttle.

"I don't just want to be one of the top four, I want to win the race but I'm worried being relaxed will ruin us like Kirby and Ness!" continued Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo evaded guard dogs and sniper fire, dragged Jigglypuff into the shuttle that just arrived, and threw a grenade out of the window.

"But we can be a tough team when we want!" assured Jigglypuff.

"Jigglypuff, may I please have one of the assorted chocolates from your travelling backpack?" asked Mewtwo politely.

"Yes, you may, good sir!" beamed Jigglypuff, handing Mewtwo a chocolate.

_Shadow Moses Airport_

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"That was a long trip, dude," groaned Marth, stretching his arms as he walked into the airport.

"Two tickets to Port Town," requested Fox at the counter, stifling a yawn.

"How soon do you need to be in Port Town?" asked a friendly receptionist, looking up flights.

"As soon as possible, man," replied Fox,

"Our earliest route goes through Mute City," said the receptionist.

"We'll take it," said Fox.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf spotted the frats, and walked up behind them in the queue.

"Dude, don't let those two hear anything you tell us," whispered Marth to the receptionist.

"Like, don't be so secretive, frats!" laughed Ganondorf good-naturedly.

"No point having alliances, dudes," said Marth. "Too late for all that noise."

"That's totally not what we're doing here!" smiled Ganondorf.

"Arr, we'll take what they just got," Roy asked the receptionist.

"Well, okay," said the receptionist, looking uncertainly at Marth and Fox.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Mario and Bowser showed up, and they ran over to the counter.

"What-a did the others-a take?" asked Mario urgently.

"Port Town via Mute City," replied the receptionist.

He realised what he said and covered his mouth at once.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"They're all still here, we're not behind!" cheered Jigglypuff, seeing the other three teams.

"We'll have what they had," ordered Mewtwo.

The receptionist, with tape over his mouth, printed tickets for Port Town via Mute City.

"Why is there tape over your mouth?" demanded Mewtwo, ripping the tape off.

"I-I wasn't supposed to tell other teams about the flight..." sobbed the receptionist.

"And you didn't honour your promise?" asked Mewtwo, outraged.

Mewtwo grabbed the receptionist's ear, twisted it off, and fed it to him.

"Always honour promises!" raged Mewtwo, forcing the receptionist's mouth up and down in a crude chewing pattern.

The Pokemon stormed off and boarded the plane with everyone else.

_1__st__ Flight to Mute City_

"Arr, we've got stiff competition," Roy told the camera. "Mewtwo and Jigs be very assertive, Marrrrth and Fox be very lucky and smarrrrt..."

"And Mario and Bowser are like, also there," put in Ganondorf.

"Good point, n'yarrgh..." agreed Roy. "What arr Marrrio and Bowsaarr good at?"

Roy and Ganondorf pondered this for several minutes, then the plane landed.

_Mute City Airport_

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

The four teams left the plane, and immediately Mario and Bowser broke from the pack and headed to a counter.

"We need-a to rework-a flights and try to get-a on a faster one to Port-a Town!" declared Mario, stabbing Bowser impatiently with a fork.

Sighing resignedly, Bowser walked up to the Mute City receptionist.

"Do you have any faster flights than –" Bowser showed her his ticket. " – this one?"

"Yes, but it's full," replied the receptionist. "That's probably why you were put on your flight back at Shadow Moses Island."

"Can you put us on standby?" asked Bowser, placing a hand firmly over Mario's mouth.

The receptionist typed in some details.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"What arr they doin'?" asked Roy, looking over curiously at Mario and Bowser.

"Let's like, find out!" decided Ganondorf, storming over to the counter.

"We want what they got, n'yarrgh," demanded Roy, looking the receptionist straight in the eye.

"Like, what if they got something bad?" asked Ganondorf, whispering.

Roy stared blankly into space.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Why aren't there any other teams anywhere?" asked Jigglypuff nervously, standing on tiptoe to look around.

"They better not be planning to get ahead of us," muttered Mewtwo dangerously.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Give me what they got, dude," said Marth. "No holding back, it's a risk I'm willing to take!"

"Are you sure about this, man?" asked Fox nervously. "What if it doesn't pay off?"

The camera zoomed out to reveal Marth and Fox were placing an order at an airport Burger King.

"Thanks, dude!" smiled Marth, taking his burger.

"Bro, it sure is a good thing we've got all this time to spend on food!" grinned Fox.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 1st Place_

"Mario, go check the standby list," said Bowser, checking his watch anxiously.

Mario walked over to the receptionist again.

"Are-a we good to go-a?" asked Mario.

"Are you Mario and Bowser?" checked the receptionist as Bowser joined Mario.

"Yep," replied Bowser.

"Well, we can get you on," smiled the receptionist.

"Great-a!" grinned Mario. "Now we're ahead-a!"

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf ran up to the counter, looking worried.

"Arr, we just saw Marrio get on the plane, arr we on too?" asked Roy hurriedly.

"Let me just see here..." said the receptionist.

She opened up the airline's security check, and typed in 'pirate'.

"Damn, pirates are allowed on," muttered the receptionist to herself.

"What?" asked Roy.

"Go on ahead!" smiled the receptionist cheerily.

Roy and Ganondorf followed Mario and Bowser to the plane.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Where the hell are the other teams?" asked Mewtwo furiously, looking around.

"I told you! They're gone!" said Jigglypuff.

"Only the fraternity brothers are with us!" fumed Mewtwo. "Where are the others?"

"Obviously ahead of you, dumbass," scoffed a hobo who had been sleeping under a bench the whole time. "Get it through your head already."

"Allow me to demonstrate why that utterance was the most foolish blunder you could have made in your entire life," smiled Mewtwo calmly.

_3 hours and one disembowelment later..._

"Run! Run, Jigs, frats, run!" bellowed Mewtwo, holding off security while Jigglypuff, Marth, and Fox made it safely to the plane.

Mewtwo jumped onto the plane as it took off, throwing a small nuclear device down at Mute City.

"_All teams are now on their way to Port Town!" reminded Crazy Hand. "Mario and Bowser and Roy and Ganondorf are on an early standby flight that left at 7:00pm and arrives in Port Town at 5:00am! Mewtwo and Jigglypuff and Marth and Fox are on the first regular flight, that left at 10:30pm and arrives at 5:40am!"_

_Port Town  
__Standby Flight Landed_

_Mario and Bowser  
__Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"You want to just follow each other at this point?" asked Bowser. "You helped us get to the cinema last leg, makes sense we should try and return the favour."

"Arr, deal," agreed Roy, shaking Bowser's hand.

"Like, take us to Falcon Square!" Ganondorf told the cab driver. "And can I get a second cab for these two guys?"

A second cab arrived.

"Just-a follow the pirate-a," Mario told their driver.

"Okay, but I should warn you, this is the F-Zero universe," warned the driver. "These cars go extremely fast."

Mario and Bowser watched as Roy and Ganondorf's cab drove away at high speeds.

"Don't worry, by normal standards, we're right behind them," assured the driver.

Mario and Bowser's driver stepped on it, and their cab shot forward at breakneck speeds.

_Falcon Square_

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf got out of the cab, and stumbled their way to the Captain Falcon statue.

"Whoa, that was trippy, yarr..." groaned Roy, clutching his head.

Ganondorf slumped over the clue box, and managed to pull out a clue in his daze.

"Like, go to Falcon Ice Rink," read Ganondorf dizzily.

"_Teams must now travel to Falcon Ice Rink, which doubles as Falcon Swimmin' Hole at warmer times of the year!" said Crazy Hand. "Once they arrive at the ice rink, they'll find their next clue next to the entrance!"_

Ganondorf stumbled over and handed a clue to Mario and Bowser, who had just arrived looking just as dazed.

"Thanks," said Bowser wearily. "Let's just share one cab..."

"Arrgreed," said Roy, returning from a trashcan.

_5:40am  
__2__nd__ Flight Landed_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Being here in Captain Falcon's home town, it's...unnerving," grimaced Mewtwo.

"Mewtwo, are you scared of Captain Falcon?" teased Jigglypuff.

"No!" scoffed Mewtwo. "It's just...the Chuck Norris-esque rumors...could it be possible that Captain Falcon _is _resistant to mental torture?"

"Anyway," said Jigglypuff, trying not to laugh. "The frat boys are right behind us, so we need to go now!"

"Where did the other teams go, anyway?" wondered Mewtwo, frustrated.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"These cabs aren't big enough!" grunted Bowser, squashed into the side.

"Like, at least you can sit down!" complained Ganondorf, in a ball on the floor.

"This be a long three hour jarrrrny we be embarkin' on," muttered Roy.

"Three hours?" asked Ganondorf, Mario, and Bowser incredulously.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

Marth and Fox ran out of the airport.

"Big surprise they built a Captain Falcon statue, huh dude?" asked Marth.

"I heard Captain Falcon's resistant to mental torture, man!" replied Fox, in awe.

"Awesome, dude!" cheered Marth, getting into a car.

"Why does this guy's sign have a red L on it?" asked Fox, looking at the Learner Driver sign.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

The Pokemon arrived at Falcon Square.

"There's the statue!" pointed Jigglypuff. "Mewtwo, come on, we need to get the clue!"

"I'm good right here, actually," replied Mewtwo shakily, looking up at the Captain Falcon statue.

"Aww, is someone still scared of Captain Falcon?" teased Jigglypuff.

"I AM NOT!" bellowed Mewtwo. He picked up the cluebox with his mind, bludgeoned Jigglypuff with it, and ripped open a clue.

"Falcon Ice Rink, amazing," said Mewtwo in a bored manner, throwing the clue box back at the statue.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

Marth and Fox's learner driver rear-ended a school bus, span out of control, and landed in the middle of Falcon Square.

"Make your way to Falcon Ice Rink, man," read Fox, reading a clue that got embedded in his skin.

"Dude, we need someone who can drive," said Marth irritably, straining to get out of the car.

"Let's just see if our driver can get us to the ice rink, bro," decided Fox.

The driver was dead.

"Damn man, we need a driver quick or we're screwed!" panicked Fox.

"Now you see it my way, dude," replied Marth.

* * *

Crazy Hand hung around the pit stop, twiddling his thumb and pinky.

"You're team number one...you are team number _one_..." practiced Crazy Hand to himself.

A dog happily bounded over to Crazy Hand.

"Aww, who's a fuzzy little guy?" asked Crazy Hand, picking up the dog.

The dog stood up on two feet, slapped Crazy Hand, and pointed to the nametag around his neck.

"Smoo?" read Crazy Hand. "That's a dumb name, eww."

Smoo pulled a gun on Crazy Hand.

Crazy Hand burst into tears immediately.

"When will the torment end?!" sobbed Crazy Hand.

Smoo pistolwhipped Crazy Hand.

"I'll be quiet..." sniffed Crazy Hand resignedly.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

Marth and Fox ran to the cab station across the street from Falcon Square.

"Dude, we need a cab driver, pronto," said Marth at once. "We got some newbie learner, and he's dead."

"Is that my problem?" asked the manager, annoyed.

Marth and Fox glanced at each other.

"Well, yeah dude, it is," said Marth. "He's your employee or whatever."

"Fine..." sighed the manager. "What was his name?"

"...um...I think it was Jim..." said Fox, struggling to remember.

"Whatever," retorted the manager flatly.

"No, John, dude," corrected Marth.

"Oh yeah," nodded Fox, remembering.

"John's dead?" asked the manager, panicking. "We better recover the body! Take a driver and go, you poor souls! You saw the fall of a truly promising student!"

"kthxbai," replied Marth, beckoning a driver forward.

"Thanks for choosing me, Marth and Fox..." smirked the driver, wearing a huge dark cloak.

"Just get us to the ice rink as fast as possible, man," requested Fox.

"Can do, Marth and Fox..." said the driver mysteriously.

"He knows our names, bro!" realised Fox.

"What great service!" smiled Marth, getting into the cab, which was also wearing a huge dark cloak.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Bowser was showing Mario where to go on a road map inside the crowded cab.

"See Mario, we're here," said Bowser determinedly. "And we want to go aaaaall the way over here,"

"I get it now-a!" smiled Mario gleefully.

"Arrctually, we be going _here_," corrected Roy, moving Bowser's finger to the other side of the map.

"Bowser-a, you idiot!" yelled Mario angrily.

"Um, I'll be pulling over now," said Dr. Stewart, the driver, uneasily.

"Why?" asked Bowser.

"I feel a presence...a presence I have not felt for quite some time now..." said Dr. Stewart quickly, getting out the cab.

"Get over it!" called Bowser desperately. "We need to beat everyone to the ice rink!"

"I'm sorry, I just-I just need some air!" whined Dr. Stewart, sobbing.

"Is it another driver?" asked Bowser impatiently.

"Yes! One of the other teams has...has the most feared man in Port Town for a cab driver!" sobbed Dr. Stewart.

"Roy, I'm like, scared!" whined Ganondorf, cowering.

"Arr, I be handling this," said Roy, flexing his swashbuckling arm. "GET BACK IN THE MOTHERF-"

"Whoa-a, colourful vocabulary-a!" cried Mario over Roy's speech.

"-ING CAB, LANDLUBBER!" finished Roy.

Dr. Stewart ran back to the cab to get more tissues from the glove compartment.

Bowser and Roy took their chance, and stapled Dr. Stewart to the cab as Mario and Ganondorf cowered.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

The cloaked cab speeded through pedestrians, other cars and red lights at breakneck speeds. Even more neckbreaking than the others.

"Whoa dude, this driver's intense!" cheered Marth.

"I can make you immune to all crime here, Marth and Fox..." crooned the cloaked driver softly. "Would you care for a drink, Marth and Fox?"

"Would we ever, bro!" nodded Fox eagerly.

With one hand on the steering wheel, the driver mixed together three cocktails, slipping something into two of them.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Dr. Stewart continued driving along in fear.

"Hey, you just passed the turn-off," said Bowser. "We're not supposed to cross this bridge, we're trying to go to the ice rink..."

"Watching me, he's always watching me," muttered Dr. Stewart. "I need to run away! Move to a different country, change my name! Dr. Stuart! Yes, it has a nice ring to it..."

"Like, can you just turn around?" asked Ganondorf. "Now?"

"Oh...around, yes..." said Dr. Stewart faintly.

Dr. Stewart turned the cab around in the middle of the bridge.

"OH GOD!" screamed Dr. Stewart. "That was sloppy driving! Please tell me I'm not being watched!"

Mario, Bowser, Roy and Ganondorf all exchanged uneasy glances.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

The Pokemon watched as the frats' cloaked car zoomed past them.

"That's just unfair!" shouted Mewtwo. "Why are they allowed to just cut ahead like that in traffic?"

"Listen sir, if that's who normally drives around in all black, then they're just lucky they haven't been killed yet," replied Jody Summer from the driver's seat.

"We can just beat the frats later on, Mewtwo," said Jigglypuff. "Calm down, please!"

Mewtwo took out a knife, caressed the blade, and looked at Jigglypuff's face.

"Why, Mewtwo? Why does it have to be this way?" sobbed Jigglypuff, getting her face cut.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Bridge, dude!" called Marth in alarm. "Turn around!"

"Do not worry about that, Marth and Fox," said the driver smoothly. "Just enjoy your drinks."

Marth and Fox drank their cocktails, then clutched their stomachs.

"Man, did you put something _in_ these?" asked Fox woozily.

Fox passed out.

"Dude, gnarlyyyyy..." said Marth in a slurred voice, passing out too.

"Enjoy the ice rink, Marth and Fox..." smirked the driver, looking at the unconscious bodies in the wing mirror.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Okay, we just saw like, another team head to the ice rink, but at least we're in second place!" smiled Ganondorf optimistically.

Dr. Stewart burst into tears, this time for no reason.

"Arr, I don't believe this..." grunted Roy, annoyed.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"We're passing two teams in the same car!" grinned Jigglypuff. "That makes us number two!"

"I'll slash their tires!" declared Mewtwo evilly, leaning out of the window.

"These cars don't have ti-" began Jigglypuff, but then Mewtwo brought out his knife again.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff drew closer to the cab, and Mewtwo reached his knife arm out.

"They're-a going to slash our tires-a!" panicked Mario.

Mewtwo swiped at the bottom of the cab.

"What?!" fumed Mewtwo. "These cars don't have tires?! Jigglypuff you buffoon, why didn't you tell me?"

Frustrated, Mewtwo cut off the bottom of the cab. Dr. Stewart and the two teams ended up grinding across the road at high speeds, sending sparks everywhere, igniting cars behind them and setting Mario on fire.

"Never mind, I prefer this to slashing tires," said Mewtwo, in awe.

"Great, now like, our whole lead is gone," lamented Ganondorf, watching the Pokemon drive away.

_Falcon Ice Rink_

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

The driver dragged Marth and Fox out of the cab, as they woke up groggily.

"Whoa..." groaned Marth. "My head...dude! We're here!"

Marth and Fox excitedly ran up to the clue box.

"All four clues are here, dude!" gasped Marth.

"Even the fake decoy ones!" smiled Fox, pulling out some yellow and black wrapping paper.

"Dude, how the hell are we first?" asked Marth. "We ended up behind the weirdos and schizos, we left Falcon Square behind the Pokemon, and we lost time picking up the robed stranger!"

"Man, who is this guy?!" asked Fox excitedly. "He seemed evil but he owned ass!"

The driver smiled, and took off his black cloak.

"Wow! Captain Falcon!" grinned Marth and Fox cheesily at the same time.

Captain Falcon took the cloak off the cab.

"Wow! The Blue Falcon!" grinned Marth and Fox cheesily at the same time.

"Yes, it's me! I repeated Marth and Fox all the time in a sinister manner so you'd be surprised!" replied Captain Falcon. "I then put some sleeping pills in your cocktails so you wouldn't try to attack me and crash the car while I was driving!"

"You old rascal, dude!" smiled Marth appreciatively.

"We got here first because of you!" said Fox, clapping Falcon on the shoulder.

"No thanks are necessary, little heroes!" replied Falcon. "Just tell Mewtwo –"

Falcon pulled out a knife.

"-I'm looking for him..."

Suddenly, a shining Falcon emblem appeared in the sky.

"I must go now, for I am needed elsewhere!" declared Falcon. "Captain Falcon...away!"

Falcon flew away to solve more mysteries for his Saturday morning cartoon.

"Oh, check it out, we have to grab tags," noticed Marth, pulling the '1' tag from the clue box.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mewtwo furiously stormed into Falcon Ice Rink, glaring at the frats.

"Please don't make a scene!" urged Jigglypuff nervously. Mewtwo swivelled round and stared at her.

"Guns are replaceable. The holes in your organs won't be," threatened Mewtwo.

Jigglypuff gulped and stepped back as Mewtwo stormed up to the clue box, ripped off the '2' tag, and marched up to Marth and Fox.

"Mewtwo, dude, how's it shakin'?" asked Marth, his voice quavering.

"I'll _tell _you how it's shaking!" shouted Mewtwo. "Who do you think you are, speeding through traffic ahead of the great Mewtwo!? I should destroy you right now!"

"Oh yeah!" said Fox, remembering something. "Our driver was Captain Falcon, and he said he wants to see you, man."

Mewtwo immediately calmed down.

"And dude, we can't open the clue until all four tags have been pulled," said Marth.

"Well what am I supposed to tear in frustration?" asked Mewtwo.

Fox pointed at Jigglypuff, who was nearly at the door to escape.

Mewtwo grabbed Jigglypuff, and violently began to tear her into pieces with his mind.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

Annoyed, the two remaining teams walked into Falcon Ice Rink.

"Dr. Stewart-a is the worst driver-a ever!" declared Mario.

"He made us go from like, first to last!" complained Ganondorf.

"Arr, he wouldn't replace the bottom of our carrr!" complained Roy.

"He made me actually agree with Mario!" complained Bowser. "Dr. Stewart is the worst driver ever!"

Mario took the '3' tag and a clue.

"One of you-a schizos take the damn tag-a," said Mario. "I want-a to open the clue already-a!"

"Like, bite me, weirdo," replied Ganondorf irritably, taking the '4' tag.

"So, what, we just do the next thing in order of tag number?" asked Bowser.

Marth nodded.

_Marth and Fox  
__Fraternity Brothers_

"Okay dude, so we saw that Mario and Bowser and Roy and Ganon formed a mini-alliance to share a cab," explained Marth. "But it looks like it failed, and now I'm guessing they hate each other!"

"I'm hoping to see Mewtwo and Jigs make the final three, man," Fox told the camera. "Because while they talk a big game, they're in the back of the pack a lot, so they won't really be a threat."

Mewtwo walked over to Fox, ripped out his left eye, and forced it into his right eye.

"Dude, we're allowed the clue!" smiled Marth, realising all the tags had been taken.

Marth opened the clue.

"Road Block!" read Marth. "Who's good at breaking the ice?"

"That's a stupid little question, man," said Fox. "Good thing the camera always cuts away to Crazy Hand before we read that part of the Road Block clue!"

Fox noticed the ROB cameraman was still rolling.

"_A Road Block is a task only one person can perform!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Road Block, the chosen person must go under the ice rink through a hole, and successfully break up through one of four Xs marked on the surface! The Xs are easy to see and the task isn't hard, but the pool under the ice is full of anti-freeze, and people with a low resistance to poison may find the task difficult!"_

"Not it!" said Marth immediately, throwing the clue at Fox.

"Damn, man," said Fox.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Psychic/Puffball Team #1_

"Not it!" said Jigglypuff immediately, throwing the clue at Mewtwo.

Mewtwo punched Jigglypuff.

"Wait, I have an idea," said Mewtwo evilly.

_Mario and Bowser  
__...Poker Buddies?!_

"Oh, let me guess," said Bowser sarcastically after reading the clue. "You might not be doing the scary Road Block, so it's up to Bowser to do it, huh? How unexpected."

"I was-a gonna volunteer-a for it," replied Mario, confused.

"N-no, I want to do it..." said Bowser defensively.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Embarrassments_

"Arr, as I'm so used to harrrsh environments and choppy watarrr..." began Roy.

Ganondorf breathed a sigh of relief.

"...I'll let ye do this one!" finished Roy jovially. "It'll build charactarrr!"

Ganondorf cried.

_Fox  
__1__st__ on Road Block_

"Okay man..." Fox told himself. "It's just your average freezing pool, under ice, full of poison..."

Fox stared nervously at the pool.

Watching from home, Peppy and Slippy averted their eyes.

Fox nervously skimmed the surface with a toe.

Watching from home, Krystal eagerly munched some popcorn.

Fox gave a sharp intake of breath.

Watching from a few metres away, Roy gave Marth, Jigglypuff and Mario some grog.

"You can do it, dude!" called Marth, drinking some grog.

Fox was about to back out, then he tripped and fell in the icy water.

"Help, bro! The anti-freeze stings!" yelled Fox.

"Just hit the X, dude!" Marth called from above the water.

"I can't believe he's doing it!" cheered Jigglypuff. "Go Fox!"

Mewtwo glared at her.

"...And die?!" finished Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo nodded curtly.

Fox broke through one of the holes, gagging and spluttering.

"Dude!" beamed Marth. "You did it!"

"My lungs...are getting smaller..." wheezed Fox.

"I'm so proud of you, dude!" cheered Marth, clapping Fox hard on the back.

Fox's eyes bulged dangerously.

"Ha, you're right Fox!" laughed Marth. "I guess we _should_ open the next clue!"

Marth opened the clue while Fox gagged.

"Make your way to Falcon Subway!" read Marth. "Dude, why's everything called Falcon here?"

"_Teams must now make their way to the central hub of Port Town: the Falcon Subway!" said Crazy Hand. "At the foot of the stairs leading into the subway, teams will find their next clue!"_

Marth ran back to the cab, carrying Fox's lifeless body.

_Mewtwo  
__2__nd__ on Road Block_

Mewtwo eyed the hole in the ice apprehensively.

"You said you had a plan, go for it!" cheered Jigglypuff enthusiastically.

"Well, I'm not so sure," admitted Mewtwo. "I think I have to back down."

"Oh, okay," replied Jigglypuff.

"Idiot..." sighed Mewtwo, getting in the water and putting his plan into effect.

Mewtwo used his mind to lift all the anti-freeze out of the water and dump it on Jigglypuff.

"AAAAGASAHAGSHGDHAGSHADH!" screamed Jigglypuff, coughing up some lungs. "Wait a minute, I don't have lungs! I'm fine!"

Mewtwo walked into the now pure water under the ice, knocked through an X, and took the clue.

"Falcon Subway...let's go," said Mewtwo, picking up Jigglypuff.

"Thanks for clearing the pool!" called Bowser, getting ready to go in.

"Oh, knew I was forgetting something..." remembered Mewtwo, dumping all the anti-freeze back in.

"Damn," frowned Bowser.

_Bowser  
__3__rd__ on Road Block_

"Okay Bowser, you can do this," coached Bowser to himself. "Fox and Mewtwo both did it quickly, so can you."

"Try-a not to get lost-a!" called Mario unhelpfully.

Bowser shot him a 'gee, _thaaaanks_ dumbass' kind of look, and walked over to a hole.

"You'd think being so heavy would be a bad thing on a race," chuckled Bowser to himself, simply walking through the anti-freeze.

Bowser reached an X, punched it, and jumped up.

"You did-a it!" squealed Mario, delighted.

"And I barely felt a thing!" smirked Bowser confidently.

...

Bowser collapsed to the ground in a lifeless heap.

"Wow folks, he must have had a **dis**_**easy **_time on that task-a!" laughed Mario.

Bowser didn't move.

"Oh-a," said Mario dejectedly, dragging Bowser.

_Ganondorf  
__Last on Road Block_

"I'm scared, Roy!" whined Ganondorf.

"Just hurry up and do it, n'yarrgh," ordered Roy. "Marrrio and Bowsarr arr opening thar clue!"

Ganondorf nervously inched his way deep into the water.

"Yarr, go Ganon!" cheered Roy.

Numb from the poison, Ganondorf's body rose to the surface, punching a hole in the last X.

"Arr, ye did it!" celebrated Roy, taking the clue and fishing out Ganondorf's corpse.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Mario dragged Bowser's body out to the cab, where Dr. Stewart was sobbing his way through a stack of tissues.

"We can't-a keep travelling-a with Roy and Ganon-a," Mario told Bowser's corpse. "We'll-a just take this cab-a!"

Mario put Bowser's body in the trunk, then got in.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Arr, make yer way to Falcon Subway," read Roy.

Roy looked at Ganondorf's body, sighed, and picked it up.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Ready-a to leave?" asked Mario.

Bowser was too dead to respond.

"Get it-a?" asked Mario, nudging the cameraman. "Ironic-a humour! Because he's-a dead!"

Mario went into a fit of giggles.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Arr, that barrstard better not have left without us," grunted Roy, dragging Ganondorf behind him.

Ganondorf was too dead to respond.

* * *

Smoo had tied Crazy Hand up, and gagged his mouth. His invisible mouth.

"Well, at least you're mute," reasoned Crazy Hand, spitting out his gag. "Not like the last OC I got. She killed my brother!"

Smoo rolled his eyes.

"Already mentioned that, huh?" asked Crazy Hand, trying to hold conversation.

Smoo shook his head.

"I haven't?" said Crazy Hand. "Well I guess it all started a few days ago when I held out auditions for Season 2..."

Smoo reloaded his handgun.

"...and this really weird _thing_ came in, and Master Hand shot himself..." recalled Crazy Hand. He then caught a glimpse of Smoo's face. "Oh, but we can talk about you if you want! What's your...favourite...colour?"

...



"I've always been a bit partial to white," said Crazy Hand.

Smoo made a crude doodle of a dog eating a hand.

"Right, right..." gulped Crazy Hand.

The author wrote a crude scene of a dog eating a hand.

"D'aww..." lamented Crazy Hand, being bitten.

* * *

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Garrrnondorf!" cried Roy. "Marrio's leavin' in what be our cab! I'll stop him!"

As an esteemed clone of superior Smash Brothers, Roy pulled out his Hookshot and latched onto the back of Mario and Bowser's cab.

Ganondorf was too dead to comment on the cloniness.

Roy burst through the back window, throwing Ganondorf's corpse in the trunk as he entered the cab.

"Thanks for waitin', Marrrrio," snarled Roy.

"We-a..uh...need-a to break away from-a each other!" said Mario defensively. "We're tied-a for last!"

"Arr, makes sense, wanna split up when we can get bettarrr cabs?" asked Roy.

"Sure-a!" agreed Mario.

"We both know the day will come, but I don't wanna leave you!" sang Roy.

Mario raised an eyebrow.

"Arr, I haven't sang in a while," explained Roy. "The joke was olde, and I brought it back, yarr, so now it's fresh and retro!"

"It always-a sucked actually," replied Mario.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Marth sat back in his cab next to Fox's dead body and enjoyed the ride.

"Wait a minute, dude," Marth asked Fox's body. "If Captain Falcon was our driver, and he flew away to solve mysteries...who's driving?"

"Oh, I'm his sidekick," said the driver. "The Peregrine Kid."

"Dude, you're so lame," scoffed Marth.

"I know," sobbed The Peregrine Kid.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"So-a, how do we decide who gets-a out when we find a cab-a?" asked Mario nervously.

Roy took out a dagger.

"Right-a, right-a," nodded Mario, getting out.

"Arr, don't ferget yer corpse," said Roy.

Mario nodded again, and took Bowser's corpse out from the trunk.

"Watch the roads now," warned Roy.

Mario looked both ways before crossing the street, and dragged Bowser's body along merrily into another cab.

"Arr, go now," said Roy.

Dr. Stewart drove off, leaving Mario alone with a dead body and a new cab.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Aw man-a, now I gotta work harder-a," sighed Mario, piling Bowser into the trunk of the new cab.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I gotta tell you, kid," grinned Marth. "This is one nifty day!"

"Uh oh, looks like terrible traffic up ahead," sighed The Peregrine Kid, turning a corner into the main highway.

"WHAT?!" asked Marth angrily. "You're ruining the niftyness, you little punk!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff's cab turned into the highway behind the frats.

"Bad traffic?" asked Mewtwo incredulously. "We've already spent a couple hours driving around today!"

"I can't believe I'm saying this," began Jigglypuff. "But why don't you just kill some people, throw some cars off the road, and clear a path with your psychic powers?"

Mewtwo froze up.

"B-but Captain Falcon's looking for me!" said Mewtwo, trembling. "I can't wreck up his city!"

Jigglypuff rolled her eyes.

"Wuss," muttered Jigglypuff.

"Do you live here?" checked Mewtwo.

"No," replied Jigglypuff suspiciously.

Mewtwo stabbed her.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Arr, doc, is it faster to just get out and just walk to the subway?" asked Roy, encountering the traffic jam.

"I...um...er...I DON'T KNOW!" admitted Dr. Stewart. He broke down, in tears. "Just don't hurt me!"

"Arr, ye gotter be kiddin'," sighed Roy. "I'll just get out and walk, then."

"I've failed you!" whined Dr. Stewart.

Roy rolled his eyes, got out and took Ganondorf's corpse out of the trunk.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Say-a, why's Roy-a getting out his cab-a?" asked Mario. "Stop here-a, I'm-a follow his ass!"

"But you've only been in here for three minutes," pointed out the driver.

"Three minutes-a of my life I'll-a never get back," muttered Mario under his breath.

He got out and retrieved Bowser.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Dude, sidekick, this traffic's a real buzzkill," said Marth. "I'm thinkin' I'll just get out and find the subway on foot, capiche?"

"Okay sir, please enjoy your visit to Port Town!" nodded the Peregrine Kid.

"Shut up, dude," said Marth. "Just open the trunk so I can get my friend."

The Peregrine Kid obliged.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Why's Marth getting out?" asked Jigglypuff, looking ahead. "I wanna get out! We're gonna be in traffic forever!"

"I can't go in broad daylight!" protested Mewtwo. "What if Captain Falcon sees me?"

"How will he see you?" asked Jigglypuff.

"I heard he has telekinetic, extrasensory vision!" cried Mewtwo, sobbing.

"So do you!" argued Jigglypuff.

"He has nipple caps!" sobbed Mewtwo.

"Look, we all fear nipple caps," reassured Jigglypuff, patting Mewtwo's arm. "But you need to get over your fears, because if we lose the race, bad things will happen to me! And it'll be you doing them!"

"Uh-huh..." sobbed Mewtwo.

"But if we stay in this traffic jam, we'll come last," said Jigglypuff. "And if we lose the race, you won't get to hurt me, because you'll be too scared in Falcon's presence!"

"You're right!" agreed Mewtwo.

"So what do you say?" asked Jigglypuff kindly. "For violence?"

"Up yours, bitch," scoffed Mewtwo, sticking a lead pipe in Jigglypuff's ear.

"Okay, we'll stay here for now, then," decided Jigglypuff, wincing.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Roy dragged Ganondorf's dead body across the sidewalk.

"Arr, I be worried," Roy told the camera. "Garrrnon's still takin' his nap, and we don't know if we made a smarrrt move or not!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Oh my god, Mewtwo!" cried Jigglypuff in a fake tone. "Captain Falcon's in this cab!"

"Hold me!" blubbered Mewtwo, jumping into Jigglypuff's arms.

"Now how about we get out and head for the subway on foot?" asked Jigglypuff, struggling to support Mewtwo's weight.

"I see right through your little plan here, missy!" said Mewtwo, jumping off Jigglypuff. "You just want to get out and head for the subway!"

Jigglypuff nodded slowly. "Yeah, because y'know, coming last all the time...it kind of sucks..."

Mewtwo jammed a megaphone into Jigglypuff's ear and twisted it upside down.

"DON'T CRITICISE MY MARVELLOUS RACE STRATEGY!" shouted Mewtwo. "If that dullard fraternity brother dragged the fox to the subway, it's his problem, not ours!"

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"I sure hope-a I'm going the right-a way," Mario told the camera while dragging Bowser. "I can't-a see anyone else-a!"

_Lucario and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1st Place_

"Listen to me," said Mewtwo, staring apprehensively at Jigglypuff. "If you think we're getting out of this situation by following everyone else, you're wrong."

"Why can't you just cause _one _small apocalyptic explosion with your mind?" begged Jigglypuff. "Even if it's only just ten megatons! We just need to know we're not making a mistake!"

"Do you really think it's that easy?" asked Mewtwo. "I have to be _really enraged_ to do something like that!"

"The captions guy called you Lucario," said Jigglypuff, taking out a computer and showing Mewtwo this chapter.

"HOW DARE THEY MISTAKE ME FOR THAT INGRATE?!" raged Mewtwo. He leapt out of the cab and teleported to the front of the traffic jam.

"Hey, what's the big deal?" asked Pico, sticking his head out the window. "I'm trying to flaunt my new hybrid over here!"

Mewtwo's eyes glowed a sinister shade of red, and the CBS orchestra busted out some kind of evil build-up tune.

"That was the straw that broke the camel's back..." grunted Mewtwo evilly. "That was the straw that just blew up the camel's town...that was the straw that just killed you all...that straw's name is **Mewtwo, **bi-atch!"

Mewtwo caused one small apocalyptic explosion with his mind. All the traffic was cleared.

"Whoa!" gasped Jigglypuff, looking at the blank roads. Mewtwo teleported back into the cab.

"Please tell me Captain Falcon didn't see that!" panicked Mewtwo at once. "Go! Just go!"

The Pokemon's cab drove past everyone on the street.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"All the cars-a just disappeared!" gasped Mario. "Now-a the frats-a and the Pokemon will be ages-a ahead! I should never have left-a my cab for the stupid subway!"

"Subway?" asked a local, passing by. "You're headed the wrong way. Falcon Subway's all the way over there!"

"Dammit-a!" shouted Mario. "Bowser-a, why didn't you tell me-a! You're the one who's-a good with maps-a!"

Bowser didn't respond.

"Sonny, I think your friend's dead," said the local.

"What are you, a freakin' doctor-a?" asked Mario angrily. "Get the hell outta here-a! I'm-a Dr. Mario, I'll know if he's dead-a!"

Mario pulled out his medical licence and showed the local.

"Uh, that expired seven years ago," said the local, checking the date.

Mario snatched back his licence and dragged Bowser back the other way, swearing under his breath.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Fox, dude, could you please just wake up?" asked Marth irritably, dragging Fox across the sidewalk towards the subway. "It's getting really annoying talking to myself!"

Fox was dead, and didn't respond because of it.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Here's Falcon Subway!" smiled Jigglypuff, getting out the cab. "Coming, Mewtwo?"

Mewtwo silently pointed out the cab window, his face pale.

Captain Falcon was standing next to the clue box, with a photograph of Mewtwo.

"What, Falcon?" asked Jigglypuff. "Come on, he's not gonna notice you! There's probably hundreds of Mewtwos in the world!"

"No, I'm the only one!" whimpered Mewtwo. "Save me!"

Jigglypuff rolled her eyes.

_One costume change later..._

"Come on out, it'll work!" whispered Jigglypuff.

"I feel silly!" said Mewtwo from inside the cab. "This costume looks stupid!"

"You'll be fine!" reassured Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo stepped out of the cab dressed as Lucario, and ran past Captain Falcon to the clue box.

"Excuse me!" called Falcon. "Have you seen a Pokemon named Mewtwo? I'm looking for him!"

Captain Falcon took out a knife. "It's urgent!"

"...Uh...nope!" lied Mewtwo. "I'm just a regular ol' Lucario! Watch the power of Aura, you know!"

"Oh, sorry to trouble you," replied Falcon, falling for the disguise. "I'll let you get back to your clue."

Mewtwo turned away and opened the clue, as Jigglypuff joined him.

"D-detour: Punch or Lunch?" read Mewtwo warily.

"_A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Detour, teams must choose between Punch or Lunch!"_

"_In Punch, teams must travel to Falcon Dojo, renowned for being the training ground for the one and only Captain Falcon! Once there, they must perfect an age-old technique passed down by the gods: the Falcon Punch! Once each team member successfully performs a Falcon Punch, they will receive their next clue!"_

"_In Lunch, teams must travel to Falcon Diner, and eat a Port Town delicacy! The meal is, unsurprisingly, roast falcon! Once the portion of falcon has been eaten, teams will receive their next clue!"_

"Look, a map!" said Jigglypuff, pointing to a map board on the subway wall. "Falcon Diner's a couple blocks away, but we need to get back in the cab for Falcon Dojo!"

"But what if Falcon sees me eating a falcon and mistakes it for one of his kids and kills me?" asked Mewtwo, hyperventilating.

"...Fine, we'll do the Falcon Punch," sighed Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo opened his mouth.

"Don't even say anything about Falcon killing you for plagiarism!" snapped Jigglypuff.

"Did you just stand up to me?" asked Mewtwo.

"Oh crap, I did!" panicked Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo did violent things to Jigglypuff as soon as they got in their cab.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Marth dragged Fox down the stairs and to the subway entrance.

"Falcon, dude!" cheered Marth. "You're back! You think you can fix Fox?"

"Of course I can!" smiled Captain Falcon. "I just need to cry on him with my healing tears!"

"Sweet!" grinned Marth.

Captain Falcon brought Fox back to life.

"Man, my head..." groaned Fox. "Hey, a clue box!"

"Detour, dude!" said Marth, taking the clue. "Looks like the eating one's closer!"

"Let's go for it, bro!" said Fox.

Marth and Fox walked the couple blocks necessary to reach Falcon Diner.

"That _was_ closer," remarked Marth.

"We have to eat a falcon, man?" asked Fox, checking the clue again. "The boys back home can _never_ find out about this!"

"Dude, Falco's gonna hate you so much," smirked Marth. "Wait 'til we get back home, it'll be awesome!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__On Punch_

"I thought this place was supposed to be far away," frowned Mewtwo, stepping out of the cab.

"You killed all the other drivers, remember?" reminded Jigglypuff.

"Oh yeah!" chuckled Mewtwo.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Falcon Subway-a, less than a mile-a!" panted Mario, dragging Bowser. "Looks-a like I'll make it after all-a!"

A rat jumped out of Bowser's mouth.

_Marth and Fox  
__On Lunch_

A waitress brought out the platter to Marth and Fox, and the falcon was revealed.

"Roast falcon?" asked Fox. "Hanis, man!"

"Dude, our falcon's..." trailed off Marth, checking the bird from all sides. "Dude, our falcon's still alive!"

"Fox! Fox! It's me, Falco!" coughed Falco, burnt to a crisp and ready to eat. "You gotta believe me!"

Marth and Fox stared at Falco.

"Dude, I call left wing!" called Marth excitedly, cutting Falco's wing off and shoving it in his mouth.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" cried Falco, watching the blood gush out his wing wound. "You just freakin' _ate_ part of me!"

"Fox, you in?" asked Marth. "It's pretty good!"

Fox covered his face with his hand, embarrassed to look at Falco.

"Falcs, we have to do it to win the race, man," said Fox quietly. "Now give me your leg."

Falco opened his mouth to protest, but Marth drove a steak knife through his leg.

"There you go, dude!" smiled Marth, passing Fox the leg.

Fox grimaced, and began to chew.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__On Punch_

"Alright, you little maggots!" barked Samurai Goroh. "I'm in charge of this Dojo while Captain Falcon's off saving the universe! Now you have to answer to me! You! Psychic cat! Punch this brick with your Falcon Punch!"

Mewtwo sighed, and read Samurai Goroh's mind to learn what to do.

"Falcon PAUUUNCH!" cried Mewtwo, punching through the brick with his hand on fire.

"Now do it through this sheet of metal!" barked Goroh.

Mewtwo rolled his eyes.

"Falcon PAUUUNCH..." droned Mewtwo, bored. He broke through the metal.

"Finally, you must perform the move through this small child!" barked Goroh, holding up a small child.

"FALCON PAAAAAUNCH!" roared Mewtwo eagerly, breaking through the child.

"Puffball, your show!" barked Goroh.

"Can you not bark?" asked Jigglypuff timidly.

"No!" barked Goroh. "Now punch the brick!"

Jigglypuff forced her boneless arm at the brick. "Falcon punch?" she said timidly.

Nothing happened.

...

"Ow! My arm!" whined Jigglypuff, clutching her arm. "It's bruising! It hurts so much!"

Mewtwo was about to hit her, but he got a fleeting image of Captain Falcon running through his mind.

"Hurry!" cried Mewtwo.

_Marth and Fox  
__On Lunch_

"How am I even still alive?" asked Falco, now with only one leg and one wing.

"Falco, please, just let us eat you quickly, man," pleaded Fox, sticking his fork in Falco's other wing. "This is already hard enough for me to do!"

"Dude, it's not hard for me at all!" laughed Marth, taking a chunk out of Falco's leg. "Fox, just pretend he's someone you hate!"

"I can't, man!" protested Fox. "I can't visualize him as Krystal!"

"Pretend he's someone you love then, dude!" said Marth. "What about me, you were in love with me last leg!"

"No man, that faded eventually along with the whole web!" replied Fox. "I'm not in love with anybody!"

Marth sighed, and finished his leg. "We can go as soon as you're done, dude. No pressure."

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__On Punch_

"Falcon punch!" cried Jigglypuff, driving her fist towards the brick.

A tiny fragment of brick chipped off.

"NO!" barked Samurai Goroh. "Punch must go through the bricks!"

"It's more of a PAAAAAUNCH than a punch," said Mewtwo hurriedly. "Just drag out the punch sound!"

"Falcon...PAAAAUNCH!" cried Jigglypuff, shattering the brick.

"It gets tougher, quick, do it before he sees me!" panicked Mewtwo.

Goroh brought out the sheet of metal. Jigglypuff eyed it in anticipation. She reared back her fist, and with a cry of "FALCON...PAAAAAUNCH!", she thrust her arm forward.

Jigglypuff missed completely.

Mewtwo picked her up and pointed her straight at the sheet of metal.

"FALCON PAAAUNCH!" screamed Jigglypuff, destroying the metal.

"Okay, next is the little kid," said Mewtwo. "Please hurry on this one, we get the clue after you do this!"

Jigglypuff effortlessly punched the small child through the gut and picked up the clue.

"How did you do that so quickly?" asked Mewtwo dubiously.

"I pretended it was y-I pretended it was Lucario," said Jigglypuff, sweating.

Mewtwo backhanded Jigglypuff upside the head and took the clue.

"Make your way to the Falcon Cave..." read Mewtwo shakily.

"_Teams must now travel to Captain Falcon's superhero hideout: the Falcon Cave!" said Crazy Hand. "This hideout is the pit stop for this leg of the race! The last team to arrive may be eliminated!"_

"His hideout?" groaned Mewtwo. "He's bound to find us there!"

"Maybe if we hurry, we'll get there before he shows up!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"It's a pit stop," said Mewtwo flatly. "We'll be there for twelve hours until next leg, if we get there fast enough."

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Roy slumped against the wall, exhausted from dragging Ganondorf's body.

"Don't worry noble sea-farer Roy!" grinned Captain Falcon. "I can bring anyone back from the dead!"

Falcon cried on Ganondorf with his healing tears.

"Like, I'm back and better than ever!" cheered Ganondorf at once, jumping to his feet. "Bring on the next task!"

"Arr, it be a Detour," read Roy, taking the clue. "Punch irrr Lunch?"

"Punch!" smiled Ganondorf. "Being poisoned and legally dead for an hour or so makes you feel all bloated, so I'm not in the mood for eating right now!"

"Urr, no it doesn't..." replied Roy.

"Okay fine, I just want to keep my form," sulked Ganondorf.

"Well, I kind of lost arrr cab," admitted Roy. "But there's a plus side! Mewtwo destroyed all the trarrfic!"

Roy hailed a cab and got in, followed by a speechless Ganondorf.

_Marth and Fox  
__On Lunch_

Fox anxiously poked Falco's last few pieces with his fork while Marth drummed his fingers impatiently.

"Dude, Fox, what's that over there?" asked Marth suddenly, pointing behind Fox.

"I hope it's shiny, bro!" grinned Fox enthusiastically, turning around.

Marth stabbed Falco's last limb and shoved it through Fox's face as soon as Fox back around to complain there was nothing behind him.

"Dude, make your way to Falcon Cave!" read Marth, taking the clue. "The last team to check in may be eliminated!"

"Not that bad actually," replied Fox, drinking some water to ease down the remains of Falco.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Finally-a, I'm here!" rejoiced Mario, traipsing into the subway.

"Same old routine," said Captain Falcon casually, crying on Bowser.

"Ughh...I had a dream I was dead," groaned Bowser.

"You were-a!" cheered Mario.

Mario opened the clue.

"Detour-a!" read Mario. "The eating one's-a closer!"

"Fine, sure, we'll do that one," replied Bowser, clutching his head.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__On Punch_

Roy and Ganondorf strolled into Falcon Dojo.

"Now Roy, I know all of like, Falcon's moves!" grinned Ganondorf smugly. "So don't be embarrassed if I'm better at this than you!"

"Arr, whatever, I be first," asserted Roy, stepping up to Goroh.

"First, the brick!" barked Samurai Goroh.

"Wharrtever," said Roy. "FALCON...PAUUUNCH!"

Roy delivered a punch-or rather, Roy delivered a PAUUUUNCH that broke the brick into little pieces that flew everywhere.

"Like, you've gotta be freakin' kidding me," said Ganondorf flatly, staring at Roy.

"I can do that?" asked Roy incredulously, looking down at his hand.

"Metal!" barked Goroh.

"Falcon pauuuunch," said Roy half-heartedly, punching through the metal with ease.

"And a small child!" barked Goroh.

Roy easily Falcon Punched his way through the small child, and stepped back.

"That was the drop-dead sexiest display of physical might I've ever seen performed by a pirate," said RoyFangirl1987. And also Samurai Goroh.

"Thanks for that, Roy," pouted Ganondorf. "Now like, you'll make me look bad!"

_Mario and Bowser  
__On Lunch_

"Shi(r)t, nobody else's here!" hissed Bowser through gritted teeth, storming into Falcon Diner.

"Well, we just-a have to eat our falcon extra quick-a, then!" retorted Mario, sitting down.

"Oh god, they're alive," said a horrified Bowser, looking at the dish that was being brought to them.

"Haha, ours is moving-a!" laughed Mario.

"Do these people usually eat their food alive?" asked Bowser, thoroughly weirded out.

"I wish they wouldn't!" protested the falcon.

"This is a funny task-a!" cheered Mario, clapping his hands. "Let's eat-a!"

"No, I can't do this task!" argued Bowser. "Who would? Nobody on this race would have been cruel enough! Not even Mewtwo! Not even the frat boys!"

* * *

Crazy Hand forced himself to look at Smoo, who was unfortunately still chewing on his thumb.

"You know, I'm pretty big," scoffed Crazy Hand. "It's going to take a while for you to eat all the way through me."

Smoo glared at him, and produced a blender.

"Hammerspace has all the cool stuff!" frowned Crazy Hand angrily.

Smoo placed the blender over Crazy Hand's thumb, and hit 'blend'.

"At least the last weirdo didn't have evil intentions!" said Crazy Hand. "You're just openly trying to kill me!"

Smoo stared blankly at Crazy Hand.

"Just-can you just clear off for a while?" asked Crazy Hand. "I've gotta get down to Falcon Cave to check in teams soon!"

Smoo pointed out that they had been walking to Falcon Cave while all the filler scenes had happened.

"Oh, carry on then..." sighed Crazy Hand resignedly, moving over to the mat.

* * *

_Mario and Bowser  
__On Lunch_

"I'm telling you, it's just not happening for me," said Bowser, upturning his nose at the falcon.

"I don't blame you, we taste terrible," said the falcon.

"Do you just want to do the punching one?" asked Bowser hopefully.

"Whatever happened-a to not Bald Snarking-a?" taunted Mario, smirking.

Bowser glared at Mario.

"That was before it became apparent we'd be eating people alive to stay in the race!" argued Bowser.

"Fine-a, we'll go," sighed Mario, leaving his table.

"Good, because I already called a cab while you were happily stabbing that poor bird," replied Bowser, getting into a cab.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__On Punch_

"Warlock Punch!" grunted Ganondorf, attacking the brick.

"NO," barked Samurai Goroh. "You do a Falcon Punch! Now!"

"But like, they're nearly the same thing-uh!" whined Ganondorf.

"FALCON! NO WARLOCK!" barked Samurai Goroh.

"Fine, jeez!" replied Ganondorf. "Falcon PAAAAUNCH! Happy?"

"YES," barked Goroh, throwing away the brick and holding up the metal.

"FALCON PAAAAUNCH!" cried Ganondorf. He did a Warlock Punch and painted the fire red before Goroh could notice.

"Arr, that doesn't seem physically possible," mused Roy.

"Now bring on the like, little kid," sighed Ganondorf.

Ganondorf effortlessly destroyed the kid.

"HERE IS YOUR CLUE," barked Samurai Goroh. "You read! Now!"

Ganondorf took the clue, and backed away.

"Like, make your way to the Falcon Cave!" read Ganondorf. "Last team to check in may be eliminated!"

"Arr, back to the cab," said Roy, heading back outside.

"Hey guys," said Bowser stiffly, passing by with Mario.

"Like, you guys switching tasks again?" asked Ganondorf, amazed. "Wow Mario, you're like, totally indecisive!"

"Actually, it was my idea," muttered Bowser, embarrassed.

Thoroughly confused, Roy and Ganondorf got back in their cab.

_Mario and Bowser  
__On Punch_

"Well, Roy and Ganon seem to think they're better than us," scoffed Bowser, barging through the Dojo's double doors. "Self-conscious scum..."

"Uh-huh," replied Mario, not listening.

"Are you...eating some falcon in a doggie bag?" asked Bowser, disgusted.

"Hey-a, if you wanted some-a, you shouldn't have quit-a!" retorted Mario.

Bowser stared at Mario.

"Oh, sorry, I will try to control my hunger," replied Bowser, completely deadpan.

"I don't-a think you can, fatty," laughed Mario, poking Bowser's stomach.

Bowser calmly picked up a brick, a sheet of metal, and a small child and stacked them all together.

Bowser Falcon Punched through the stack easily.

"Just shut up and do that," muttered Bowser, not looking at Mario.

"It's-a Mario time!" grinned Mario cockily. He failed miserably to punch through the brick. "Ow-a!"

"Fool!" barked Samurai Goroh. "To perfect the Falcon Punch, you must train with the Falcon monks in the Falconian Temple for many years!"

"Set your hand on fire and scream in a strangled voice," cut in Bowser. "That's all that's really different."

Mario took out a cigarette lighter and set his hand on fire.

"Like-a this?" asked Mario, holding up his hand.

Bowser nodded.

"HEEEUHWUDHAUHDFEEEARAAAAAGHH!" screamed Mario, punching through the brick.

"HEEEUHWUDHAUHDFEEEARAAAAAGHH!" screamed Mario, punching through the metal.

"HEEEUHWUDHAUHDFEEEARAAAAAGHH!" screamed Mario, punching through the small child.

Insulted, Samurai Goroh handed Bowser the clue.

"Make your way to Falcon Cave," read Bowser. "We need to go!"

_Falcon Cave_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Whoa, that's a rocky road," panicked Jigglypuff, looking at the narrow, winding, bumpy road leading into the Falcon Cave. "I don't think it's safe, what should we do?"

"Just get out and run, I'm not facing Falcon with car accident wounds," said Mewtwo.

"You think we should?" asked Jigglypuff anxiously, looking behind her. "What if the frat boys take the road and pass us?"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"I'm...uh...scared..." admitted Marth and Fox's driver. "What if I lose a tire on the rocks, spin out and die?"

"Dude, that won't happen," assured Marth. "We don't have tires."

"Yeah, just drive, man," said Fox.

"He's such a wimp," groaned Marth.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"They won't pass us!" hissed Mewtwo. "Just get out!"

"Yeah, you're probably right," agreed Jigglypuff, getting out.

_Marth and Fox_

"Know somethin' dude?" asked Marth. "I'm bailing."

"Yeah, let's split," agreed Fox, getting out.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"The cave entrance!" smiled Jigglypuff, running in.

"Uh oh..." moaned Mewtwo, clutching his head.

"Hello, _Mewtwo_..." smiled Captain Falcon, from the shadows. "I've been waiting for you..."

"Hi Falcon!" waved Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo froze.

Captain Falcon took out a knife. "I think you know what this is about..."

"I think I do..." groaned Mewtwo, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Good!" smiled Falcon. "Here's the knife, go kill that dog that's been showing up!"

Mewtwo weakly took the knife. "That's why you wanted to find me?"

"Of course!" grinned Falcon good-naturedly. "The dog's just up ahead, next to Crazy Hand."

Stunned, Mewtwo walked up to Crazy Hand and Smoo, and stabbed the latter. Smoo died very anti-climactically, and without an explanation of why he was there. Because he can't talk. His creator should be **very** ashamed of himself.

"Mewtwo, thank heavens!" gasped Crazy Hand. "You saved me!"

Mewtwo summoned Jigglypuff with his mind, still speechless.

"Oh yes, the race," said Crazy Hand. "Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you are team number one!"

"Alright!" cheered Jigglypuff. "Causing an apocalyptic explosion paid off!"

"What?" asked Crazy Hand. "N-never mind. Anyway, as the winners of the tenth leg of the race, you are one of the three teams..."

Jigglypuff's eyes widened excitedly. Mewtwo was still stunned.

...

...

The bottom of Jigglypuff's eye twitched, slightly impatiently. Mewtwo was still stunned.

"...left in the race who've actually won any legs! Psyche! You totally thought I was putting through to the final three already!" finished Crazy Hand.

"But we already won once," frowned Jigglypuff, looking crestfallen.

"That's what makes it so funny!" laughed Crazy Hand. "It's old news! All that suspense for nothing!"

Jigglypuff attacked Crazy Hand with her mind.

_Marth and Fox_

"Damn dude, looks like the Pokemon already thought of gettin' out," sighed Marth, running to the pit stop.

"Can't win 'em all, bro," shrugged Fox.

"Marth and Fox, you're team number two!" smiled Crazy Hand.

Marth and Fox hi-fived.

"Awesome, still good, dude!" cheered Marth.

"I've...done things..." shuddered Fox, remembering Falco.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Like, you need to go fast," Ganondorf told the driver. "Fa-a-aaast."

"Arr, this be worryin'," worried Roy. "It's very possible that the otharrr three teams arr all ahead of us, n'yarrgh..."

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"This is the part of the race where you get really nervous," Bowser told the camera. "There's only four teams left, so it becomes less 'try to rely on others screwing up' and more 'assert yourself to the front'."

"I'm-a so scared," scoffed Mario. "What's-a the hand gonna do-a?"

"Do you even pay attention to what's going on?" asked Bowser. "Teams get eliminated for losing, Mario!"

"Eliminated-a?" asked Mario. "I thought-a they just get killed off-a."

"Well, good thing we're still on even footing with Roy and Ganon," reasoned Bowser, shaking his head.

_Roy and Ganondorf_

Roy and Ganondorf's cab approached the narrow, rocky road.

"What are we like, gonna do?" asked Ganondorf fearfully.

"Arr, I'll save us!" declared Roy. "I know how to steer these treacherous seas!"

"No you don't," replied Ganondorf.

Roy slapped him, then threw the cab driver out of the cab.

_Mario and Bowser_

"Obstacle!" cried Mario and Bowser's driver, swerving to avoid Roy and Ganondorf's driver.

"It's-a okay, run him over!" cried Mario.

"This seems familiar..." mused Bowser.

"My ox is broken-a," pouted Mario.

"Yeah, definitely familiar," nodded Bowser.

Mario and Bowser's cab drove onto the rocky path, and a particularly jagged rock ripped the bottom half off. The cab spontaneously combusted, and Mario and Bowser ended up in a bush to the side.

"Dammit," growled Bowser.

_Roy and Ganondorf_

"Like, there's Mario and Bowser!" smiled Ganondorf, headed towards the pit stop. "Hi, guys!"

Ganondorf waved energetically.

"Arr, it does be Marrio and Bowsarrr!" smirked Roy, headed towards the pit stop. "Hey, guys!"

Roy gave them the bird energetically, and stepped on the mat.

"Roy and Ganondorf, you're team number three!" awarded Crazy Hand.

"Still got it," chuckled Roy, still with his finger up at Mario and Bowser.

_Mario and Bowser_

Furiously, Mario stomped up, ripped Roy's middle finger off, and ate it.

"Arrrrr..." groaned Roy, collapsing.

"Just break it to us-a, Hand!" demanded Mario.

"Jeez, calm down," said Bowser in a subdued tone, looking around embarrassedly.

"Mario and Bowser, you are the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand. "I'm..."

"Oh, pause, that's a good sign," said Bowser, relieved.

"Nooooo!" screamed Mario. "We're out-a!"

"...pleased to tell you that this is the last of three non-elimination legs, and you're both still in the race!" finished Crazy Hand.

"I figured," nodded Bowser. "You didn't grant Roy and Ganondorf a position in the finals when they arrived, and eliminating us now would either produce an early finale with only eleven legs in the race, or a redundant eleventh leg before the finals with only the final three anyway."

"I'm-a so in shock-a!" gasped Mario.

Bowser hit him.

"Yeah, but y'all are getting a second Speed Bump," said Crazy Hand.

"Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do," shrugged Bowser.

...

Crazy Hand and Bowser looked expectantly at Mario.

"We're gonna take it, and we're-a gonna shoot back up to first-a!" yelled Mario. "Ain't no room for second place-a! We're gonna kick some ass-a!"

"We..uh..have some confidence," Bowser meekly told the camera.

* * *

Arrival Times!

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff: 3:46pm

Marth and Fox: 3:50pm

Roy and Ganondorf: 4:04pm

Mario and Bowser: 4:05pm – SPEED BUMP'D

* * *

"Next time, on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" said Crazy Hand. "As teams move on to the eleventh leg, things get heated!"

_Mewtwo hit Jigglypuff._

_Mario hit Bowser._

"And four become three!"

"_I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the race."_

* * *

Penultimate leg next! Now hand over your moneys, and head over to the poll in my profile to vote for who you want to be eliminated! Please note that I already know who wins the race and who doesn't, so the poll is merely just to see how many people it'll piss off when I eliminate their favourites!

And also review, that'd be good too. Remember to insult Smoo's creator a bunch!


	11. Four Become Three in Planet Hocotate!

The eleventh leg. Hard to believe it's that time already, but here it is! Enjoy, I own nothing.

* * *

"Previously on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" recapped Crazy Hand. "Four teams left Shadow Moses Island and travelled to Port Town!"

"Marth and Fox fell to the back of the pack after their first driver had an accident!"

"_Dude, we need someone who can drive," said Marth irritably, straining to get out of the car._

"_Let's just see if our driver can get us to the ice rink, bro," decided Fox._

_The driver was dead._

"Luckily, a local hero helped them out!"

"_Man, who is this guy?!" asked Fox excitedly. "He seemed evil but he owned ass!"_

_The driver smiled, and took off his black cloak._

"_Wow! Captain Falcon!" grinned Marth and Fox cheesily at the same time._

_Captain Falcon took the cloak off the cab._

"_Wow! The Blue Falcon!" grinned Marth and Fox cheesily at the same time._

"Mario and Bowser, and Roy and Ganondorf started off in the front, but were quickly defeated!"

"_Dr. Stewart-a is the worst driver-a ever!" declared Mario._

"_He made us go from like, first to last!" complained Ganondorf._

"_Arr, he wouldn't replace the bottom of our carrr!" complained Roy._

"_He made me actually agree with Mario!" complained Bowser. "Dr. Stewart is the worst driver ever!"_

"_The Road Block proved challenging for Fox, Bowser and Ganondorf!"_

"_I'm so proud of you, dude!" cheered Marth, clapping Fox hard on the back._

_Fox's eyes bulged dangerously._

"_Ha, you're right Fox!" laughed Marth. "I guess we __should__ open the next clue!"_

_Marth opened the clue while Fox gagged._

-

"_You did-a it!" squealed Mario, delighted._

"_And I barely felt a thing!" smirked Bowser confidently._

_..._

_Bowser collapsed to the ground in a lifeless heap._

_-_

"_Yarr, go Ganon!" cheered Roy._

_Numb from the poison, Ganondorf's body rose to the surface, punching a hole in the last X._

"_Arr, ye did it!" celebrated Roy, taking the clue and fishing out Ganondorf's corpse._

"Marth and a revived Fox later ran into a morally obscene Detour choice!"

_Fox covered his face with his hand, embarrassed to look at Falco._

"_Falcs, we have to do it to win the race, man," said Fox quietly. "Now give me your leg."_

_Falco opened his mouth to protest, but Marth drove a steak knife through his leg._

"_There you go, dude!" smiled Marth, passing Fox the leg._

_Fox grimaced, and began to chew._

"On the other Detour, Jigglypuff focused and perfected the Falcon Punch..."

"_How did you do that so quickly?" asked Mewtwo dubiously._

"_I pretended it was y-I pretended it was Lucario," said Jigglypuff, sweating._

"...leading to a first-place finish!"

"_Oh yes, the race," said Crazy Hand. "Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you are team number one!"_

"_Alright!" cheered Jigglypuff. "Causing an apocalyptic explosion paid off!"_

"In addition to sharing their cab with Roy and Ganondorf, Mario and Bowser Bald Snarked the Detour once again, and arrived last!"

_Furiously, Mario stomped up, ripped Roy's middle finger off, and ate it._

"_Arrrrr..." groaned Roy, collapsing._

"_Just break it to us-a, Hand!" demanded Mario._

"_Jeez, calm down," said Bowser in a subdued tone, looking around embarrassedly._

"But for the second time, they were given a reprieve!"

"_Mario and Bowser, you are the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand. "I'm..."_

"_Oh, pause, that's a good sign," said Bowser, relieved._

"_Nooooo!" screamed Mario. "We're out-a!"_

"_...pleased to tell you that this is the last of three non-elimination legs, and you're both still in the race!" finished Crazy Hand._

"Only to be given a second Speed Bump!" finished Crazy Hand. "Four teams are left, who will be eliminated next?"

* * *

Remaining Teams! (with who they want to see go down this leg?!)

Mewtwo/Jigglypuff (Dullard fraternity brothers, schizophrenic weirdos and that whiny Italian diva should all just tie for last/do we have to kick anyone out?)

Marth/Fox (Pokemon, other dudes are no biggie/yeah, same here, man)

Roy/Ganondorf (Arr, everybody hates the Pokemon, boot 'em/Like, not us?)

Mario/Bowser (Roy and-a Ganon ditched me-uh! Them them them-a!/Mario)

* * *

"This is the Falcon Cave!" said Crazy Hand. "This cave, Captain Falcon's superhero hideout, was the tenth pit stop in a race around the world! Teams arrived here at the end of the last leg for a mandatory rest period, where they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams!"

_Mario smugly put on a 'Least Hated Team' sash and pointed at the poll._

_Everyone beat him up._

_Mewtwo read the poll and promptly blew up the internet._

"One of these teams will be eliminated!" reminded Crazy Hand. "The other three will be able to race to the finish line for one million dollars!"

_Mewtwo threw Jigglypuff against the wall and held a gun up to her head, blaming her for their Most Hated label._

"Will Mewtwo's bouts of excessive violence coupled with Jigglypuff's refusal to stand up to him help or hinder them in getting a place in the finals?"

_Marth and Fox kicked back, drank some beers and read some of Captain Falcon's Playboys._

"Will Marth and Fox's mostly-carefree approach to the race cause their downfall, or be the key to victory?"

_Roy fitted in his new wooden finger, while Ganondorf wrote slander on the other racers' MySpaces._

"Will Roy and Ganondorf be able to win a leg, or will they fly too far under the radar this time?"

_Bowser restrained Mario from rubbing his sash in everyone's faces._

"Will Mario and Bowser overcome their second Speed Bump, or will the time loss be enough to eliminate them? Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, who were first to arrive at 3:46pm, will depart at 3:46am!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__1__st__ to Depart, 3:46am_

Looking immensely relieved to be leaving Port Town, Mewtwo opened the clue.

"Make your way to Planet Hocotate..." read Mewtwo.

"_Teams must now fly to Planet Hocotate, and find the planet's famous...delivery boy...Captain Olimar!" said Crazy Hand. "Olimar will give teams their next clue! Or he's fired!"_

"_Fired?" squeaked Olimar._

"_Did I say you could speak?" asked Crazy Hand, taking out a whip._

"Captain Olimar?" asked Mewtwo, puzzled. "I'm not even coming back to the Mansion after this race and even I've seen him. His planet can't be epic and heated enough for a leg such as this!"

"Maybe we have to make it epic ourselves?" suggested Jigglypuff. "I mean, you saw the poll results too, we're one of the most hated teams!"

"Do you want to venture a guess as to who's fault that is?" asked Mewtwo silkily, brandishing a sharp stick.

"You can't win with a dead teammate!" cried Jigglypuff hurriedly.

"Yeah, but-I-ju-look, it's...shut up," replied Mewtwo.

_Marth and Fox  
__2__nd__ to Depart, 3:48am_

"Okay dude, looks like we're searching for Olimar," said Marth, checking the clue over.

"Since we're in second place, bros and sisses," Fox slyly told the camera. "We ordered two cabs in case the Pokemon tried to steal one!"

"Dude, we're crafty," grinned Marth smugly.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Hey look!" smiled Jigglypuff. "Two cabs are already here waiting for us!"

"This smells like treachery," mused Mewtwo. "Hey! You! Minimum wager! College dropout! I'm talking to you!"

"Yes, hello," replied Jigglypuff.

"Not you, the other one," snapped Mewtwo.

"Yes?" asked one of the cab drivers.

"Who ordered you here?" Mewtwo asked.

"You wouldn't be a Fox McCloud, would ya?" asked the driver.

"No, and I'm not Marth Lowell either," answered Mewtwo, disinterested.

"You know, _we_ should have done this," said Jigglypuff conversationally.

Mewtwo picked up a driver and hit her with him.

"Listen driver, you **will** escort me and my pink friend to the airport, or I'll crush your skull over your brain until it comes out your freakin' mouth, got me?" threatened Mewtwo.

"I'd like to see you try," scoffed the driver.

"I'd like to see myself try that as well," sneered Mewtwo.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1st Place_

"Dude, our plan worked!" laughed Marth, getting into the other cab. "The guy won't take the Pokemon!"

"Hey, what's that coming out his mouth, man?" asked Fox. "Looks kind of like...a brain..."

"Aw, sick!" cried Marth in disgust.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__3__rd__ to Depart, 4:04am_

"Olimarrr, great," read Roy.

"Look, Roy!" cooed Ganondorf. "I like, accessorized for this special leg! I put a flower in my hair! Cute, huh?"

"Yarr, it won't be so cute when we be goin' through securrrrity, they think it's a bomb," replied Roy, eyes wide open. "Then ye wind up spread-eagled in front of the enemy base, wondarrrin' why you joined the Corps in the farrrst place. You miss yer wife, yer kids, and all yer friends as they torture ye fer information befarr they kill yeh. And if yer not lucky, that won't be the end of it."

"I'm like, going to pretend I never heard that," said Ganondorf, thoroughly weirded out. "That little flashback nearly made me miss the days when like, you sang."

Roy opened his mouth.

"I like, said nearly," Ganondorf cut him off. "We need a cab..."

"Arr, it be the frats, they be on the high road above us!" noticed Roy, pointing up.

"How did like, _they_ get a cab so easily?" asked Ganondorf.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"I don't think killing the driver was such a good idea," said Jigglypuff, poking the body.

"Why, because the other one had more money?" asked Mewtwo, raking through his wallet.

"No, no, because we can't drive his cab," replied Jigglypuff. "It's illegal, and we wouldn't want to commit felonies around Captain Falcon's base now, would we?"

Mewtwo's eyes widened.

"Which is why I called and booked one while you were killing the guy!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"I-I think I'm actually proud of you," said Mewtwo. "Now we can catch up to the damn Testosterone Brigade..."

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Dude, can we borrow your cell phone to call the airport?" asked Marth.

"What happened to the one you used to call me?" asked the driver.

"Oh, well after we called you, we still had five hours until we had to leave the pit stop, dude," replied Marth.

"So we played hacky sack with it and it broke," finished Fox.

The driver sighed and handed them his phone.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Arr, I'll call a cab using this device, me swabbie," said Roy, holding up a phone.

"Like, hurry up!" replied Ganondorf. "Mario and Bowser are gonna start the leg at any second!"

"Good point," said Roy. "Whaurrrr arr they anyways?"

_Mario and Bowser_

"Look-a, this grape is shaped like-a Luigi!" laughed Mario, showing Bowser a grape.

Bowser bashed his head against the wall in frustration.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Cab for Jigglypuff?" asked a driver, casually driving up to the Pokemon.

"Yeah, that's me," said Mewtwo. "I'm Jigglypuff!"

"You sure?" asked the driver, squinting. "You don't look very puffy."

"Did I mention I destroyed half the city yesterday?" asked Mewtwo conversationally.

The driver silently let Mewtwo and Jigglypuff in the cab.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Fox hammered the airport's phone number in desperately.

"Dude, that's not very carefree," observed Marth. Fox glared at him.

"_This is Port Town Airport, how may I help you?" asked a receptionist._

"Yeah, uh, when's the next direct flight from Port Town to Planet Hocotate?" asked Fox, nervously looking behind him.

"_What day's today?" checked the receptionist._

"...Thursday..." replied Fox uncertainly.

"_Then never," said the receptionist. "We do have an 11:30pm flight to the Distant Planet, then you can take a rocket to Planet Hocotate."_

"Great, man," said Fox wearily, hanging up.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Last to Depart, 4:06am_

"...and find-a Captain Olimar-a!" read Mario.

"Well, where do we go?" asked Bowser. "All you read was 'and find Captain Olimar'."

"Oh-a, we go to Planet-a Hocotate," replied Mario.

"Hocotate?" asked Bowser incredulously. "That's so weird, I was a botanical..."

Mario looked at Bowser curiously.

"...lawyer there. Botanical...lawyer, yeah..." finished Bowser sheepishly. "Can we not go there though? They kind of...don't like me down there anymore..."

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Taxi! Like, over here!" waved Ganondorf frantically, running after a cab.

"Arr, it be already carrying the Pokemon!" noticed Roy, seeing Mewtwo and Jigglypuff inside.

"Dammit!" pouted Ganondorf.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Should we stop and pick Roy and Ganondorf up?" asked Jigglypuff. "They look lonely."

"We freakin' hate you!" shouted Ganondorf from outside.

"I mean, they're our friends and we're leaving them behind!" cried Jigglypuff, on the verge of tears.

Mewtwo elbowed Jigglypuff in the face.

"They just want our cab, leave them," said Mewtwo harshly.

"But Ganondorf looks so sad, and Roy has all those diseases!" replied Jigglypuff. "Please, can't we help them?"

"Did you know I have a railgun?" asked Mewtwo, stroking the gun evilly.

Jigglypuff squeezed her eyes shut, but instead of going for her, Mewtwo opened the back window.

"Be there when we win, schizos!" shouted Mewtwo, firing the railgun at Roy and Ganondorf.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Arr, fire cannons!" shouted Roy, his voice getting fainter in the distance.

Ganondorf produced two cannons from Roy's ship, and loaded the cannonballs.

"Aim! Fire!" barked Roy.

The cannonball hit Mewtwo and exploded painlessly, scattering flowers everywhere.

"Ganon, I hate ye, I really do," said Roy flatly.

"But like, here's some cabs!" said Ganondorf, sweating. "Please be distracted!"

"Arr, I am!" cheered Roy, getting in.

"Like, I'll use the cell phone to call the airport!" smiled Ganondorf.

Roy watched Ganondorf dial, then looked out the window.

"Why be there _two_ vessels?" asked Roy angrily, clenching his fists.

"I'm like, on the phone," sweated Ganondorf.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Look, a cab waiting for us!" panted Bowser, running up to the cab with Mario under his arm.

"Hooray-a!" choked Mario, Bowser's arm around his neck.

"We should call the airport, I can see Ganondorf on the phone," noted Bowser, pointing at the window of Roy and Ganondorf's cab.

"Good-a idea," replied Mario. "Now can-a I get out? Your arm is heavier-a than me-a!"

"I'm on the phone," snapped Bowser, crushing Mario a bit more.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"So we leave at like, 6am?" checked Ganondorf, writing down the flight details.

"Arr, I just hope we be beatin' someone with this," sighed Roy.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

"So we leave at 6:50am?" checked Bowser, writing down the flight details.

"I just-a hope we're-a beating someone with this-a," sighed Mario.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Do you think we should ask for a phone to call flights ahead?" asked Jigglypuff.

"No, fool," replied Mewtwo. "Nobody else is going to do that just to assure themselves a place in the final three!"

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"And what time does your 6am flight leave Port Town at?" asked Ganondorf.

"_11:30pm," replied the receptionist._

"11:30," Ganondorf told Roy.

"Arr, it be 11 already, we're not gonna make it," said Roy.

"Like, how did we spend nearly a full day outside the cave getting a cab?" asked Ganondorf.

"I screwed around with the space-time continuum," replied Captain Falcon, flying past the cab.

"You rascal!" smiled Roy and Ganondorf at the same time.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Dude," said Marth, checking his watch. "We've missed our 11 flight, we're gonna have to take that 11:30 one."

"Hopefully we'll get on it, man," replied Fox nervously.

"This is gonna be close, dude," warned Marth. "And here's the airport comin' up, you wanna jump for it?"

"Jump?" repeated Fox.

"Right out the cab," nodded Marth.

"Let's go for it," agreed Fox, as the cab stopped.

Fox jumped out the cab and hit his face off of the airport wall.

Marth got out the cab and walked casually over to Fox.

"Dude, I totally got you!" laughed Marth.

"Where the hell were you?" asked Fox angrily.

"Payin' the dude," replied Marth airily. "At least we beat the Pokemon down here."

"Yeah man, if they got here, they'd have worked the flights by now," nodded Fox.

"We can't let them get to the final three dude," said Marth. "They'll destroy us at the last task, it's usually a smart guy thing."

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"It's 11:03," said Mewtwo, checking his inner clock as they pulled up to the airport. "We better hurry to check the flights."

"Did we pass the frat boys or not?" asked Jigglypuff.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Can we get tickets for the 11:30 flight to Hocotate, dude?" asked Marth.

"It's 11:05," said Fox, checking his watch.

Resounding orchestrated harpsichord tense atmosphere music.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"I don't see the fraternity brothers anywhere..." mused Mewtwo.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"It's 11:07," said the receptionist, checking her watch. "You better hurry if you want to _be_ on your plane."

"Thanks, dude!" grinned Marth, taking off at a run.

"I'm not a dude," replied the receptionist flatly.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

The Pokemon walked up to a different ticket agent.

"Are there any direct flights to Planet Hocotate?" asked Mewtwo.

"Yes!" smiled the agent. "Oh, wait, no! Hahahahaha-ow, my life!"

Mewtwo had plunged a cattle prod, a wind chime, and a bratwurst into the agent's stomach.

_The Plane  
__Currently in Port Town_

"It's 11:09," said the pilot, checking his watch.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Run, dude! Run for the plane!" cried Marth.

"I'm trying, bro!" panted Fox.

Marth stopped to check his watch.

"It's 11:10," said Marth, checking his watch.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Look, a board with flights on it!" smiled Jigglypuff brightly and helpfully.

"There's an 11:30 to Distant Planet that connects to Hocotate?" read Mewtwo. "No way anyone can get on that, it's too late."

_1__st__ Flight to Distant Planet_

Marth and Fox sat smugly in the plane, alone. Both were wearing tuxedos, and both were smiling at the camera.

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll allow us," began Marth.

"We'd like to deliver a short statement to the other three teams whom we are racing," finished Fox.

Marth took out a keg and poured the contents down Fox's throat. Fox then crushed the keg, blended it, and served it and the contents of another keg to Marth as a cocktail.

"EEEEEEEYEAAAAAAH!" yelled both the frats, flipping off the camera with all four hands.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Roy sat in the cab, bored, as Ganondorf worked on flights via cell phone.

"Arr, get 'er to book the Pokemon on the same flight as us," said Roy. "I want to see them burn."

"Like, there's only four teams left," replied Ganondorf. "Don't you think it's a bit late in the game to be doing this for people? Especially in the leg that decides the final three!"

"Just do it," scowled Roy, pulling out a cannon.

Ganondorf sighed.

"First name, like, Mewtwo..." said Ganondorf resignedly into the phone.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Yeah, I'd like to book this flight," said Mewtwo, pointing at some circled flight information.

"You've already booked," snarled a bitter ticket agent. "What, are you just so stupid that you forgot already? Stupid."

Mewtwo joyfully turned to Jigglypuff.

"It's like they're _trying_ to die!" cheered Mewtwo.

"Somebody already booked us?" asked Jigglypuff. "Isn't it a bit late in the game to be doing this for people? Especially in the leg that decides the final three!"

"Beats me," replied Mewtwo, burning the ticket agent.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf arrived at the airport.

"Arr, have fun on yer flight, _Mewtwo_," said Roy menacingly.

"So, it was you, huh?" asked Mewtwo, more menacingly.

"Boys!" muttered Jigglypuff and Ganondorf at the same time.

Jigglypuff looked at Ganondorf.

"Poser," said Jigglypuff.

"Girl, you did not just go there," replied Ganondorf.

"Your clothes are ugly!" screamed Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo and Roy looked taken aback.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

Mario and Bowser strutted into the airport, immensely relieved to see other teams.

"Hi guys!" cheered Bowser cheerily. "I'm glad to be here!"

"What's wrong with him?" asked Mewtwo, jerking a thumb at Bowser.

"Oh-a, he had some bad-a experience at Hocotate and everyone there hates-a him, so he's savouring the good-a times or something, I wasn't listening-a," replied Mario airily.

"Hoorah, we're all bunched up together!" cheered Bowser. "How joyous!"

Bowser looked around at his friends: Mario was pretending not to see him, Mewtwo and Roy were grudgingly eying each other, and Jigglypuff and Ganondorf looked ready to explode into a catfight any second.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"So Ganondorf, you disgusting cow," said Jigglypuff icily. "Where do you get off booking a flight for my team?"

"Ganondorf did what-a?" asked Mario, curiously looking at Ganondorf. "And-a Roy was in on it? Wow, that's-a dumb-a move!"

"Like, just be glad we did that," snarled Ganondorf, picking up Jigglypuff. "You'd have been too stupid to find your own flight anyway."

Jigglypuff made a shocked noise, then quickly refocused and slapped Ganondorf.

"Did you just like, slap me?" asked Ganondorf angrily.

"What can I say, I learned how to be mean on my _stupid_ team," replied Jigglypuff bitterly.

Even Mewtwo and Roy looked over to see the action.

"Uh...um...where are the frats?" asked Bowser nervously, trying to split the girls up.

"Bowser, you fool, it's obvious tha-" began Mewtwo, but Jigglypuff put a hand up to indicate silence.

"Bowser, shut up!" shouted Jigglypuff. "Don't try to distract me! The frat boys probably just went to a hotel or something, who cares? This is between me and Ganondorf!"

"Don't even think about restraining me," snapped Mewtwo.

"And Mewtwo!" added Jigglypuff hastily.

_Mario and Bowser_

"Roy and Ganondorf-a booked tickets for the Pokemon-a," Mario told the camera through gritted teeth. "Not that I _care-a_, but it'd be nice if they'd-a thought about us, too."

"If the Pokemon and the schizos keep behaving like this towards each other, they're just going to end up being distracted and losing to either us or the frats!" noted Bowser. "We have our flight booked over the phone anyway Mario, let's just hope they work things out!"

Jigglypuff and Ganondorf flew through the air and landed in front of them, punching each other wildly.

"It's just a shame-a Marth and Fox are-a missin' the hot catfight-a, they must be so bummed-a!" laughed Mario.

_Distant Planet Airport_

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Marth and Fox landed and ran out into the airport.

"Dude, this pamphlet says that this planet is just a microscopic version of Earth!" said Marth, taking a pamphlet.

"Awesome, bro," replied Fox. "You know what's even more awesome? We've got a huge lead on everyone and we're so happy!"

"Yeah, dude!" laughed Marth. "We're not missing anything cool!"

_6:00am  
__2__nd__ Flight to Distant Planet_

"You know, I must say I hadn't expected such violence from you," said Mewtwo sternly. "Attacking people like that in a public place, you should feel ashamed of yourself!"

"Two days ago, you blew up a highway," replied Jigglypuff.

"And in about eight, maybe nine years, I'll probably feel some remorse," shrugged Mewtwo. "Just let Roy and Ganondorf sleep."

_6:50am  
__Last Flight to Distant Planet_

"We connect once we get to Distant Planet," said Bowser. "So I'm hoping that if the frats _are_ ahead, we can catch them there."

"_All four teams are now making their way to Planet Hocotate by connecting through Distant Planet!" reminded Crazy Hand. "Marth and Fox were on the first flight that left Port Town at 11:30pm! Mewtwo and Jigglypuff and Roy and Ganondorf are on the second flight, that left Port Town at 6:00am! Mario and Bowser are on the last flight that left Port Town at 6:50am! Once teams arrive in Distant Planet, they must fly to Planet Hocotate!"_

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

The frats walked up to a ticket counter.

"Hey, can we book tickets to Hocotate?" asked Marth, leaning on the counter informally.

"Sir, if I print these will you get off the counter and stop leering at me?" asked the ticket agent, handing Marth the tickets while keeping a hand on her pepper spray.

"No promises, babe," smirked Marth.

Fox shoved Marth aside and hopped onto the counter.

"So we'd like to check if anybody else is on that flight to Hocotate, girl," grinned Fox suavely.

"Yeah, there's the psychic thing that destroyed half of Port Town," replied the agent, showing the frats a newspaper headlined 'OH DEAR GOD IT'S KILLING US ALL' with Mewtwo's picture. "And also an Italian and a pirate."

"Damn dude!" cried Marth. "You realise what this means?"

"Our five hour lead is gone, man," sighed Fox, shaking his head. "Damnit!"

* * *

Lucas sat in an armchair, dressed in a bathrobe and smoking a pipe.

"Hello everyone," said Lucas warmly. "After I exploded back in the seventh leg, I got to thinking: what if I followed the race and saw just how violent the racers are?"

Lucas blew some bubbles out of his pipe.

"Then I realised that my thought was incredibly stupid, when I can just go on to the internet and follow the race from home!" added Lucas. "But then, after viewing feedback on the race, I became...unnerved by common criticisms. It is my wish to go through these criticisms and put your minds to ease!"

Lucas turned on his computer and opened up the story.

"Alright, apparently some individual racers seem 'bland' or 'boring'. Racers with more, ah, _outspoken_ temperaments such as Mewtwo and Mario get more limelight while the more submissive like Jigglypuff are forced to non-speaking or even punching bag-esque roles. Allow me to address these complaints," said Lucas.

Lucas stood up on his chair and flipped off the computer.

"Thank you, join me for more," smiled Lucas, sitting back down.

* * *

_2__nd__ and Last Flights Landed_

"Who'd have thought we'd have a fast plane!" laughed Bowser, walking along with the Pokemon and the schizos. "I can't believe we arrived at roughly the same time!"

"I hate you," said Mewtwo, Jigglypuff, Roy, Ganondorf and Mario at the same time.

"Oh, all right then," sighed Bowser.

_Marth and Fox_

"Dude, they're gonna laugh it up," groaned Marth, facing the other three teams.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"Looks like the fraternity brothers were here," smirked Mewtwo. "And we've got them."

"Now it's on!" laughed Jigglypuff, pointing at Marth. "Game on, frat boys!"

_Mario and Bowser_

"We caught the frats," Bowser told the camera. "But it'd be nice if it had been three teams ahead of one single team."

_Roy and Ganondorf_

"Arr, we all be on the same flight to Hocotate," Roy told the camera, taking his ticket.

"_All four teams are on the same flight to planet Hocotate!" said Crazy Hand._

_1__st__ Flight to Planet Hocotate  
__Landed at 12pm_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Alright, you worthless little maggot," said Mewtwo. "It's imperative that nothing hampers our progress from now til the pit stop, am I clear?"

"Yeah, I get it," nodded Jigglypuff.

"Good," replied Mewtwo. "Say, do you hear a piercing shriek?"

Ganondorf flew through the air and landed on Jigglypuff. The two started another slapfight.

"Arr, not again!" cried Roy, running up to the slapfight.

"This better not hamper my progress!" roared Mewtwo, lifting Jigglypuff out of the fight with his mind.

"I'll kill her!" screamed Jigglypuff, glaring at Ganondorf.

"I'm our team's murderer," replied Mewtwo simply, throwing her through a cab window and getting in himself.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Dude, Ganon, you and Jigs can sort this out in a vat of mud wearing only your underwear on your own time, but you can't just block up the hallway!" protested Marth, running past Ganondorf.

"Yeah man, gotta control yourself," scoffed Fox, shooting Roy in the face and stealing the cab he was about to get into.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Bowser's-a in shock, move aside, we have a Speed-a Bump comin' up-a, we can't waste time, move it-a," said Mario quickly, shoving Ganondorf aside and stealing another cab Roy was about to get into.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Great! Now we're like, last-uh!" pouted Ganondorf, stomping up to the last cab.

"Arr, ye happy now, wench?" asked Roy angrily. "We'd be firrrrst if ye didn't attack the ball!"

"Stop blaming me for everything!" yelled Ganondorf, bursting into tears.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I am so excellent," smirked Mewtwo. "We're out of the airport first!"

"We just need to find Captain Olimar!" smiled Jigglypuff. "But I hope something happens to that bitch Ganondorf!"

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"We can't like, win this race with the Pokemon around!" whined Ganondorf.

"Arr, not necessarrrily," replied Roy, trying not to yell. "They came tenth in the varrry first leg, and they've been second-to-last quite a few times, n'yarrgh...we're not even that farrr behind everyone else."

"Yes we totally are!" argued Ganondorf. "There's no reason we should be like, last! We tried so hard and now because everyone else were like, meanie _boys _who shoved past us, we got the last cab and we're going to be eliminated!"

Ganondorf started sobbing helplessly.

"Arr, then we just need to keep working," sighed Roy. "I'm not letting ye quit this race _now._"

"I just wish there was at least like, one team we could beat!" whined Ganondorf. "We've never won a leg, and we suck! Even those other two guys won the April Fools' special which is like, never going to air!"

Wavy flashback effect.

"_Tycho and Gabe, you're team number one!" said Tabuu wearing a Crazy Hand costume._

"No wait," sniffed Ganondorf. "Not them, the other ones."

"_Rick Astley and Rick Astley, you're team number one!" said Tabuu wearing a Crazy Hand costume._

"All I like, tried to do was hold Jigglypuff back so we could run to the first cab!" continued Ganondorf, still whining. "You should have like, held back Mewtwo."

"Arr, he'd have murdarrred me," replied Roy simply. "We're gonna bounce back, quit yer bitchin', wench."

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"I'm...worried," revealed Bowser uneasily, looking out the window of the cab. "Everything looks just like it did last time I was here..."

"Waa, waa, I'm-a Bowser and I had a horrible traumatic incident-a when I was a botanical lawyer-a!" mocked Mario.

"Just be glad I resumed my life and didn't turn into an empty shell of a man," replied Bowser in a monotone.

"No pun intended-a!" chuckled Mario, slapping Bowser on the shell.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I see Olimar up ahead," pointed out Mewtwo. "Time to get our clue."

The cab screeched to a halt on top of a few several hundred Pikmin, and the Pokemon got out.

"You k-killed all my closest friends..." gasped Olimar, in shock.

"Screw your friends, they killed us first, whatever," replied Mewtwo in a disinterested manner.

"We need a clue!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"Y-yes, just take it and leave," said Olimar fearfully.

"Oops, missed one," laughed Mewtwo evilly, killing one final Pikmin.

Olimar began to cry.

"Make your way to Hocotate Freight," read Jigglypuff.

"_Teams must now make their way to Hocotate Freight, the company lucky enough to employ Olimar himself!" said Crazy Hand. "Once there, they must find the shipping department, where they will find their next clue!"_

"Best be on our merry way," grinned Mewtwo. "Don't want to lose time!"

Mewtwo used his psychic powers to pluck billions of Pikmin from the ground.

"Oh thank you, psychic feline!" praised Olimar.

Mewtwo crushed all the Pikmin up with a rock, liquidized the remains and force-fed it to Olimar.

"Psyche!" laughed Mewtwo, taking a photo of Olimar's face.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Dude, Olimar, what's wrong?" asked Marth, getting out the cab.

"P-pikmin...dead...all dead..." croaked Olimar in a hoarse voice.

"Aw, is that all?" asked Marth, disgusted.

"Get over it, little man!" said Fox, snatching a clue.

"Hey, cabbie, dude, we'll pay you extra if you get us away from this crying loser as fast as possible," said Marth, turning to the cab driver.

The driver gave a thumbs up, looking at Olimar in disdain.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Oh cranberries, that's Olimar," gasped Bowser, shrinking in his seat. "Mario, you go out and get the clue, I can't face him."

Mario rolled his eyes, got the clue, punched Olimar, and got back in the cab.

"I roughed him up a bit-a for you," said Mario. "Now do you feel better-a?"

"No!" protested Bowser.

Mario raised an eyebrow.

"Marginally," admitted Bowser.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

Still pouting, Ganondorf slouched over to Olimar, grabbed a clue, and got back in the cab.

"Arr, I get it," sighed Roy. "Ye still be mad, get over it."

"No," snapped Ganondorf.

Roy rolled his eyes.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"I gotta say dude, coming into the race, I wasn't entirely sure we'd make it this far," sighed Marth blissfully, looking out of the window. "But we're in the top four, and we've won what? Two legs? Three?"

"Two," nodded Fox. "And unlike the enemies and the Pokemon, we never had to take the Fast Forward way out! And then the schizos haven't won at all yet, bro!"

"And dude, we're in second place right now!" laughed Marth. "Things are really goin' well for us!"

The frats passed the Pokemon.

"Okay, first," said Marth, looking slightly disappointed. "Dude, I hate bein' wrong."

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2nd Place_

"We just got passed by the frat boys!" cried Jigglypuff, tugging Mewtwo's arm. "And Mario and Bowser are gaining on us!"

"Unhand me," ordered Mewtwo. "Cab driver, I command you to increase your velocity."

"No can do pal, there's a speed limit here," replied the driver coolly.

"Please, for me?" asked Jigglypuff, batting her eyelashes.

"Eyelashes? You don't have any eyela- who's eyelashes are those?" asked Mewtwo, looking at the hairs in Jigglypuff's hand.

"Ganondorf's," grinned Jigglypuff. "Ripped them off right before you grabbed me."

"Wow, I'm impressed," admitted Mewtwo. "Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, I was about to-"

Mewtwo took out a rocket launcher and aimed at the back of the driver's head.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 3r__d__ Place_

"You're doing a great job-a!" smiled Mario, punching his driver affectionately on the shoulder.

"Please don't do that," requested the driver irritably, trying to concentrate on the roads.

"Probably still some of the remains out there..." muttered Bowser to himself.

"What-a?" asked Mario, having heard him.

"Well, the scarring accident was that I crushed-" began Bowser, but Mario turned away.

"Sorry-a, but I remembered I don't-a really care," said Mario.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2nd Place_

"Now I'm not going to tell you again," snarled Mewtwo, aiming his rocket launcher. "Go faster. **Now.**"

"Why should I?" asked the driver defiantly. "I'm not scared of you," he lied.

"Mario and Bowser are passing us," alerted Jigglypuff, looking out the window again.

"Because..." Mewtwo hesitated. "The plumber and the turtle up there. We need to catch them."

"Why?" asked the driver suspiciously.

"Because they're...they're my best friends," lied Mewtwo.

"How heart-wrenching!" sniffed the cab driver, wiping a tear from his eye.

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff passed Mario and Bowser.

Mario and Bowser passed Mewtwo and Jigglypuff. Enraged, Mewtwo looked through their window.

"See that puffball and the cat thing-a?" Mario was asking the driver. "They're out best-a friends, we need to stay near them-a!"

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"So, arrrr ye done poutin'?" asked Roy, trying once more.

"No," said Ganondorf flatly. "I'm like, being serious here Roy. Do you understand how totally serious I am?"

"Arr, I just be tryin' to survive the leg," said Roy. He then added under his breath, "In more ways than one, n'yarrrgh..."

"Well, I'm like, taking it seriously!" shouted Ganondorf.

"So be I," said Roy determinedly.

"No!" whined Ganondorf. "You're too nice to the otharrr teams!"

"Nice?" asked Roy, trying to keep himself from laughing at Ganondorf. "Arr, ye think stopping you from killing Jigglypuff and gettin' us kicked out was me bein' nice?"

"Well, yeah!" protested Ganondorf.

Roy gripped the side of his seat in anger.

"I know you be tired," said Roy through gritted teeth. "I know we be in the race ferrr nearly a month now, and ye be frustrated. But if there's anything I believe in, yarr, it be recognisin' enemies from allies. So don't ye **ever **accuse me of bein' nice ter the otharrr teams. Got it, wench?"

Roy jabbed Ganondorf with his index finger angrily.

"I hope ye be embarrrarrrsed with yerself," grunted Roy, looking Ganondorf in the eye.

"But like, I'm tired of having to be the totally aggro one of the team!" pouted Ganondorf.

"There be aggressive and tharr be irrational," retorted Roy. "Just be glad we be passin' two teams right now."

Roy and Ganondorf passed by both Mario and Bowser and Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, who were trading sniper fire between cabs.

"I'm only driving fast to make the big one stop whining," said the driver.

_Hocotate Freight_

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Dude, weather's gettin' all kinds of crazy," noted Marth, as the cab door was slammed shut by the wind.

"Yeah man, we better be doing the tasks indoors," agreed Fox. "Shipping's over this way!"

Marth and Fox struggled against the wind and ran to the clue box outside the shipping department.

"Detour!" read Marth. "Flower or Flour?"

"_A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Detour, teams must choose either Flower or Flour!"_

"_In Flower, teams must take a provided sack of Pikmin, flower creatures Olimar brought back from his first journey to the Distant Planet, and sell them on the street! Once teams sell 40,000 Pokos worth of these 'rare' creatures, they can collect their next clue!"_

"_In Flour, teams must explore the large, rundown Hocotate Freight warehouse and find Louie, who will sell them a bag of flour! The clue is printed on the inside of the sack, so teams must find a way to get rid of all the flour to see their next clue!"_

"We could sell, man," suggested Fox. "Up to you."

"I guess, but dude, if we do the other one we only have to do one thing instead of selling for ages," reasoned Marth.

"Alright man, we'll go with Flour," agreed Fox.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

Without warning, the other two teams passed Roy and Ganondorf again.

"Arr, don't even starrrt," chastised Roy as soon as Ganondorf opened his mouth.

_Marth and Fox  
__On Flour_

"Aw man, it's starting to rain outside," noticed Fox, running into the warehouse.

"Good thing we picked this then," nodded Marth. "Let's find this Louie dude."

Marth walked up to a worker.

"Excuse me dude, where can we find Louie?" asked Marth.

"Who?" asked the worker, confused.

"Captain Olimar's sidekick, man," said Fox, checking the pamphlet.

"Olimar has a sidekick?" repeated the worker, tilting his head inquisitively.

"Oh great," groaned Marth and Fox at the same time.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Ha, just-a passed Roy and Ganon!" laughed Mario.

"You're doing a good job," Bowser told the driver, forcing a smile.

"The sooner we get to Hocotate-a Freight, the better-a!" grinned Mario eagerly.

"Yeah, for you..." muttered Bowser.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Catch them!" roared Mewtwo, glaring evilly at his driver. "Catch them in the name of friendship!"

"And you might see a pirate and a teenager behind us, you can just run them over," added Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo shed a single tear of joy.

"It's like she was my own child!" sniffed Mewtwo happily. "If my mother Mew was still alive, she'd be proud!"

"Yay!" cheered Jigglypuff. "Wait, Mew **is** alive."

"Guess again," chuckled Mewtwo evilly. "Happy Mother's Day, _Mommy,_"

Mewtwo laughed evilly, with the grainy film effect.

Jigglypuff shuffled away in her seat.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mario and Bowser got out of their cab and ran to the cluebox.

"It's a Detour," read Bowser. "Flower or Flour? Choose fast, the Pokemon are right behind us."

"Let's-a buy the flour," decided Mario, anxiously watching Mewtwo and Jigglypuff get out their cab.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"We remain ahead of Roy and Ganondorf," said Mewtwo, taking a clue.

"Great," smirked Jigglypuff. "Detour!"

"Let's stay close to Mario and Bowser, we'll do the Flour," decided Mewtwo, looking over at Mario and Bowser.

_Marth and Fox  
__On Flour_

"This isn't going well, dude," sighed Marth.

"Louie?" asked Fox weakly.

"Whoie?" asked yet another confused worker.

"Doesn't your company have name tags, man?" asked Fox wearily.

"Nope, all our employees know each other," smiled the worker, full of pride.

"Dude, _clearly_," snapped Marth, looking down at the worker angrily. "Fox, I think we should just switch."

"Agreed, bro," nodded Fox.

_Mario and Bowser  
__On Flour_

"Oh, good-a!" grinned Mario. "The frats are still here-a!"

"Oh no, all these familiar faces..." groaned Bowser. "I just hope the boss doesn't see me..."

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__On Flour_

"It would appear we need to locate this Louie person," mused Mewtwo. "Bowser has experience here, and I'm psychic."

"What about the frat boys?" asked Jigglypuff.

"Ha, they're so stupid, they don't have an advantage like we do!" chuckled Mewtwo.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently Bald Snarkin'_

"Right dude, we need to fake out these two teams," said Marth. "You know, so they think we're far ahead."

"Got it," grinned Fox. "Good call."

* * *

Lucas sat back down in his armchair, reading through past legs.

"Alright, it seems that another reason some teams are hated could be because of excessive violence," reasoned Lucas, looking back up at the camera.

Lucas put his printouts of the previous legs aside.

"What people don't realise is that this is a race based on a **fighting game**," said Lucas heatedly. "Of course there will be violence! In fact, it's not just fighting games! How many video games represented in Smash Bros can you think of where you never fight anyone?"

A fan in the studio audience raised a hand.

"Animal Crossing!" said the fan.

"Don't even get me started on the realty wars involved before the actual games start," dismissed Lucas. "I have with me Exhibit A – the housewife showdown to get the scenic Smashville villa."

A slide of two female Animal Crossers slapping each other was shown.

"And Exhibit B – Tom Nook's bloodstained shovel," said Lucas, holding up the shovel. "Nook used this to viciously murder the corporate fat-cats trying to overthrow his store!"

"What about Nintendogs?" asked the fan, checking the Assist Trophy roster.

Lucas pulled out the popular painting of (Ninten)dogs playing poker.

"Now when I scratch the paint around the dog on the far left's right paw..." said Lucas, scratching the paint.

The paint chipped away to reveal that the dog was holding a machine gun.

"Violence is everywhere," Lucas told the camera firmly.

* * *

_Marth and Fox  
__On Flower_

"Alright, here's Mario and Bowser, bro," said Fox.

Mario and Bowser looked curiously at the frats.

"Woo! Next clue, dude!" grinned Marth in an obviously fake voice.

"Yeaaaaah! Rockin'!" grinned Fox in an obviously fake voice.

"They're-a pretty weird dudes-a," said Mario fervently.

"And those plant things," muttered Bowser, having flashbacks. "They just...swarmed...everywhere..."

"Okay dude, now here's the Pokemon," said Marth under his breath.

"I can sense you're trying a fake out, fraternity brothers," said Mewtwo at once.

Marth and Fox glumly walked away.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Come on, Roy!" urged Ganondorf, slamming the cab door shut. "What is like, your problem!"

"Arr, ye threw the door at me," replied Roy bitterly, biting his tongue to stop from screaming.

"I wouldn't have done it if you had like, got out the cab faster!" argued Ganondorf.

"I got out befarrr ye," shot back Roy. "I've been lying on the ground, n'yarrrgh. Because ye threw the door at me."

...

"I wouldn't have done it if you had like, got out the cab faster!" argued Ganondorf.

Roy looked up at the sky wearily and mouthed something that sounded vaguely like 'kill me'.

"It's like, a Detour," muttered Ganondorf angrily, handing Roy the clue.

"Arr, thar be the frats," said Roy warily. "Marrrth! Fox! What be ye doin' out haurrr?"

"Dude, we're switching," said Marth. "The buying Detour's harder than it looks!"

"Ganon, I want to sell Pikmin, n'yarrgh," decided Roy. "We can stay on the frats and parrrss them latarr."

"Fine!" stormed Ganondorf. "Who are we like, selling Pikmin to?"

"Arr, anyone," replied Roy, struggling with a big bag of Pikmin.

_Marth and Fox  
__Sales Profits: 0/40000_

"Hey there dude, looks like you could use some plant slaves!" grinned Marth, approaching a local man.

"Uh, how much?" asked the man tentatively.

Fox gave the man the full bag of Pikmin.

"For you, 40000 Pokos, my main man!" grinned Fox. "We got a deal here?"

"Act now dude, and we'll throw in..." Marth fumbled in his pockets. "...a subscription to Captain Falcon's Playboy!"

"All the filthiest girls in Port Town are hopped up on collagen and diet pills and waiting for you!" cheered Fox.

The man ran away.

"We scared him off, dude," sighed Marth.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Sales Profits: 2000/40000_

"Buy these plants," said Ganondorf sulkily, forcing a handful of Pikmin into an old lady's arms.

"Well aren't you a nice young girl!" grinned the old lady, handing over some money.

"Arr, we aren't done," reminded Roy. "We need 40000 Pokos."

"40000?!" shrieked Ganondorf.

_Mario and Bowser  
__On Flour_

"Any luck-a finding Louie, Bowser-a?" asked Mario.

"He's not under here," said Bowser, hiding under a table in fear.

"Oh, I'll-a keep looking over here-a," decided Mario.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__On Flour_

"Why?!" cursed Mewtwo. "Why didn't I hit up Olimar for a photo of Louie so I know what I'm looking for?!"

"Don't worry, we'll find him using teamwork!" grinned Jigglypuff.

"This isn't PBS, it's CBS," corrected Mewtwo.

"Oh," said Jigglypuff.

...

"Maybe Louie has a _reality sho-_"

"No," cut off Mewtwo.

_Marth and Fox  
__Selling Profits: 0/40000_

"Buy these for 40000 Pokos, I'm trying to put my kid through college, dudes," said Marth, approaching some children.

"I'm gonna join a fraternity!" grinned Fox, dressed as a baby.

A group of Hocota..tian... children ran away.

"I think we got the wrong age, man," said Fox, taking off his diaper.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Selling Profits: 7000/40000_

Roy packed several Pikmin in a balloon, and made balloon animals for the same kids that ran away from the frats.

"Arr, like me dog?" asked Roy. "I call him Balloony."

"I want him!" cheered a little Hocotatian girl.

"It be five thousand Pokos," said Roy, taking out his dagger and holding it to the little girl's neck.

The little girl nervously handed over her purse.

Roy backed into an alleyway, still leering at the children with his dagger.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__On Flour_

"There must be a picture of Louie here somewhere," grunted Mewtwo in frustration.

"I found one!" cheered Jigglypuff. "Last seen on a mission with Captain Olimar! Do not give paychecks to this man! This is him!"

"Excellent," smirked Mewtwo. "Now to find him!"

Mewtwo summoned Louie with his mind.

"Whoa, someone wants to speak to me!" gasped Louie, amazed.

"No, I don't," said Mewtwo disinterestedly.

"I wouldn't mind," said Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo casually crushed her with the filing cabinet.

"Oh, fine..." sighed Louie, handing Mewtwo a clue.

Mewtwo opened the clue.

"Make your way to Pikpik Carrot Farm," read Mewtwo.

"_Teams must now make their way to Pikpik Carrot Farm!" said Crazy Hand. "This farm, mass producer of Captain Olimar's favourite food and namesake of the Pikmin, is where teams will find their next clue!"_

Mewtwo put down the clue to see Jigglypuff pointing urgently at Louie.

"What, what is it?" asked Mewtwo.

He looked round to see Louie hand a clue to Mario and Bowser.

"Son of a – we need to go. Now," said Mewtwo urgently.

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff left the room.

Mewtwo went back in and crushed Louie two or three or twenty times with the filing cabinet.

"Just making him harder...for other teams to find...in case they switch Detours..." Mewtwo told the camera.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Alright-a, we need to beat them to the farm-a!" called Mario.

"I was on a mission to the farm when it happened," gulped Bowser.

Mario rolled his eyes.

_Marth and Fox  
__Selling Profits: 10000/40000_

"Dude, Fox, it says we have to sell Pikmin, but it doesn't say we can't sell more than the amount we picked up," pointed out Marth.

"I see where you're gettin' at, bro," nodded Fox. "Hey yeah, and they put out way more than four sacks of Pikmin!"

"Let's go for the mega discount!" grinned Marth.

A bored looking Hocotatian walked past.

"Psst, genuine Pikmin, dude," whispered Marth. "10000 Pokos and they're all yours,"

"Well, that's a deal I can't refuse!" smiled the Hocotatian, paying Marth.

"Quick bro, let's go back for more!" called Fox, running back.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Selling Profits: 13000/40000_

"Arr, the frats just done be sold a whole sack," noted Roy, handing a few Pikmin to a customer.

"I don't like, care," sulked Ganondorf, throwing Pikmin at people.

"But they could be beatin' us, n'yarrgh!" cried Roy urgently.

"Like, hurry up and sell more Pikmin!" whined Ganondorf. "Then I can count the money!"

Roy sighed.

_Marth and Fox  
__Selling Profits: 20000/40000_

Fox sidled into a dark alleyway.

"Are you one of Vittoro's men?" asked a stoned Hocotatian.

"Sure bro, why not," agreed Fox. "Listen, you can grind up and snort or smoke or whatever all the Pikmin you want...for 10000 Pokos..."

"I'll do it!" said the stoner happily. "I'm quite wealthy, you know!"

Fox looked around at the alleyway and the stoner's tattered clothes suspiciously.

"Really?" asked Fox.

The stoner handed him the money.

"Wow," shrugged Fox, pocketing the money.

Marth gave him the thumbs up from outside the alley.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Selling Profits: 17500/40000_

"Arr, that's two sacks they've went through and still not done," noticed Roy. "Warrrrd,"

"Like, they're selling their sack," said Ganondorf. "Why don't like, we do that?"

"We have barely any Pikmin lerrrrft in this one," answered Roy, selling the last one to a baby.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Oh my god, do you realise this'll be the last task before the final elimination?" asked Jigglypuff excitedly.

"If you do anything to screw this up, I'll bleepin' break you," replied Mewtwo flatly.

"How will you do that?" asked Jigglypuff. "Haven't I proved by now I don't die easy?"

Mewtwo took out the filing cabinet, from the warehouse back into the cab, and crushed Jigglypuff with it.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Second-a place!" grinned Mario.

"Don't forget, we have a Speed Bump," reminded Bowser.

Mario suddenly looked crestfallen.

"But..." said Bowser uncertainly, trying to perk up Mario's spirit again. "...we lost virtually no time with our last one, and taking a Speed Bump while in second won't leave us in terribly bad shape!"

_Marth and Fox  
__Completed Detour_

"Who'd have thought there were so many rich druggies in the streets of Planet Hocotate, man?" asked Fox, taking back two empty sacks of Pikmin and the remaining money they needed.

"Dude, most of them were pop stars," noted Marth. "'Rich druggie'and 'pop star' mean the same thing, remember? Kind of like how 'shampoo commercial' means the same thing as 'free softcore porn',"

Fox looked shocked.

"That's right, media," grinned Marth at the camera. "Come get me."

"Still, they bought drugs from complete strangers," reasoned Fox. "Bro, they must be pretty stupid!"

"Again, 'pretty stupid'? Means the same as 'rich druggie' and 'pop star'," said Marth.

"Well, it just sucks that we came into the Detour first and we're leaving third, bro," sighed Fox.

"Dude, they have another name for that," said Marth. "It's called EXTERNAL FAVORITISM."

"Kirby and Ness got eliminated, I don't think there's any of that running around, man," replied Fox.

"Oh, it's just our own fault then," shrugged Marth.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Selling Profits: 39500/40000_

"Like, this should be good enough," sighed Ganondorf, resignedly counting the money. "Let's go."

"Nor, that be 500 Pokos short," said Roy, quickly counting the piles of 100 Ganondorf had stacked the Pokos into.

"We need to like, sell more of this crap?" pouted Ganondorf.

"Yarr, only about one more Pikmin," assessed Roy, weighing a purple Pikmin.

"But I'm tiiiiiiired!" whined Ganondorf.

Roy gave the last Pikmin away for 500 Pokos, took the clue, and tried not to hit Ganondorf.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"The Pokemon are on fire right now," remarked Bowser. "They just won't give up once they're focused on something."

"We need-a to make thim give up-a!" cried Mario, taking out a pistol.

"Oh, no, please don't..." trailed off Bowser, clapping a hand to his forehead.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I'm so happy!" grinned Jigglypuff. "We're in the lead, and it's all thanks to you we're even here in the top four, Mewtwo!"

Jigglypuff hugged Mewtwo.

"Enjoy the hug," said Mewtwo softly. He pulled out a hacksaw and grabbed one of Jigglypuff's hands. "It'll be your last."

"Didn't I lose my hands a few legs ago anyway?" asked Jigglypuff.

"Ha, if continuity existed you wouldn't even be here," scoffed Mewtwo, cutting.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"We like, just finished!" cried Ganondorf.

"Arr, ye mean I just finished," sighed Roy.

Roy accidentally brushed against Ganondorf on the way to take the clue out of the box.

"Why did you like, hit me-uh?" asked Ganondorf, whining again.

Roy swivelled round and a hand flew to his sword, but he quickly regained composure.

"I be sarrry," said Roy in a strained voice.

Roy took the clue and grinned at Ganondorf through his teeth.

_Pikpik Carrot Farm_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I see the box," said Mewtwo coldly, throwing away the hacksaw (with a piece of arm still on it). "Mario and Bowser's Speed Bump is here too...interesting..."

"Good!" cheered Jigglypuff, bleeding.

Mewtwo threw Jigglypuff at the box, then walked over and took out a clue.

"Road Block!" read Mewtwo.

"_A Road Block is a task only one person can perform!" said Crazy Hand. "However, this Road Block will be a little different to previous legs! Instead of doing a task briefly, the chosen team member must put on a hi-tech space farm suit, and wear it for the rest of the leg! The suit will have its gravity set to the lowest setting, so the chosen team member must quickly learn how to deal with overcoming their new handicap! Once the suit is on, the farmer will give teams their next clue!"_

"We're both floaty, it doesn't matter who does this," said Mewtwo.

"Oh, I'll do it!" smiled Jigglypuff. "I'm a balloon anyway, at least you have organs and any centre of gravity at all!"

"You don't have organs?" asked Mewtwo sadly, putting away his hacksaw.

"Here's your next clue, hyuck," laughed the redneck farmer, handing Mewtwo the clue while Jigglypuff climbed in the suit.

"Great," sighed Mewtwo, reading the clue. "More reading...Olimar's house...blah blah blah..."

"_Now with one member wearing a low-gravity space suit, teams must now make their way to Olimar's House!" explained Crazy Hand. "Once there, Olimar's wife Olimartha will help them get rid of the suit, and teams can go to the backyard! The backyard is the pit stop for this leg of the race! The last team to arrive, __**will**__ be eliminated!"_

"I'm good at this!" grinned Jigglypuff, virtually unchanged by the suit. "This is easy!"

"Alright, we're good to go," replied Mewtwo. "I just hope **nothing goes horribly and fatally wrong**,"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Being in traffic both sucks and blows, man," sighed Fox, frustrated.

"Dude, what if Roy and Ganon found a way past the traffic?" asked Marth. "I'm not goin' home now!"

"Don't...don't worry, bro," assured Fox, his voice quavering.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"We're number one! We're number one!" chanted Jigglypuff ecstatically.

"Provided **nothing goes wrong,**" said Mewtwo.

"What could go wrong?" asked Jigglypuff.

"You," replied Mewtwo. "I'm telling you, something could go wrong for us at any point."

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Both our Road Block and Speed Bump's here," said Bowser, confused, holding both clues.

"Let's-a just open the Speed Bump first-a, get it over with," decided Mario.

Bowser nodded, and opened the Speed Bump clue.

"_Having placed last in the previous leg, Mario and Bowser must now complete a Speed Bump: an extra task only they must complete!" said Crazy Hand. "However, the Speed Bump this time is an __extra condition to the Road Block! While the other three teams have oxygen tanks in their suits, Mario and Bowser's tank is filled with paint filler!"_

"Okay, riding the windmill was weird, this is just freaking stupid," muttered Bowser.

"Paint-a filler?" asked Mario. "Hot damn, I'm-a on it!"

Mario put on the suit and ran.

"Wait a minute, where do we go?" asked Bowser. "There's no other clue boxes here..."

"Just go anywhere-a!" decided Mario, his voice becoming distorted. "Not like we're in a race-a!"

Mario giggled, intoxicated.

"This is just perfect," groaned Bowser.

_Olimar's House_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Jigglypuff, are you coping with the suit?" asked Mewtwo. "I see Olimar's house, we're nearly done."

"Yeah, I feel fine," nodded Jigglypuff.

"Odd," mused Mewtwo. "Nothing went **horribly wrong for us, Mewtwo and Jigglypuff**..."

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Dude, Mario and Bowser are still here!" grinned Marth, running out of the cab and to the farm.

"It's a Road Block, bro," checked Fox.

"Do you want to do it, or will I go?" asked Marth.

"I have more space experience man, I think I should," decided Fox, putting on the suit.

"But where's the next clue, dude?" asked Marth.

"I don't know, can't see any other clue boxes..." replied Fox anxiously.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Mewtwo used Jigglypuff to force the door to Olimar's house open.

"Oh, you must be with the race!" said Olimartha.

"Hi, racers!" waved Olimar's kids cutely.

Mewtwo's eyes glowed bright red.

"No, Mewtwo!" cried Jigglypuff, sensing danger. "Not now! Make them get down with the sickness or whatever you'll do later!"

"N-no, I must..._damage them..._" droned Mewtwo.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Like, there's a whole two teams still out here!" smiled Ganondorf, suddenly feeling a lot better upon seeing them.

"Yarr, maybe this task be hard," reasoned Roy.

Ganondorf took the clue. "Road Block!"

Immediately after reading, Ganondorf threw the clue and a suit at Roy.

"You're totally doing this one!" cried Ganondorf.

"Like I have a choice, n'yarrgh..." lamented Roy, putting on the suit.

"Now quick, like, before the others see!" hissed Ganondorf, hiding Roy under his cape.

Ganondorf snuck up to the farmer and took the clue from him. Neither the frats or Mario and Bowser noticed.

"Okay, like, we just need to find Olimar's house," whispered Ganondorf.

"Arr, just remember to hold me down if I be floatin' away," said Roy.

"Whatever," replied Ganondorf indifferently.

They snuck back away without anyone else noticing.

_Mario and Bowser_

"It's just-a us and the frats looking for the clue-a," said Mario glumly.

_Marth and Fox_

"We can't find this thing, dude," sighed Marth. "I just don't know why it's coming down to this..."

_Mario and Bowser_

"I guess it's pretty safe to say we're both screwed," noted Bowser nervously.

_Marth and Fox_

"We just need to keep Mario and Bowser in our sights, bro," said Fox. "If we lose 'em, we might end up with the disadvantage..."

* * *

Lucas smoked some more of his bubble pipe.

"Now I can't actually find a third complaint worthy of my defiling, so I'll just-"

Lucas got a phone call from the producers.

"What do you mean, I'm a whiny little brat?" asked Lucas indignantly.

Lucas angrily hung up.

"Well it appears I _do_ have a third complaint!" fumed Lucas. "One from the producers! They say that the ad breaks suck and shouldn't be included in the final leg! Well fine!"

Everyone who had ever been in one of the filler sections simultaneously entered the room.

"Let's file lawsuits!" yelled Sonic.

"Let's steal Christmas!" yelled Dedede.

"I'm dead," noticed Master Hand, still dead from his...encounter.

Nobody cared.

* * *

_Marth and Fox_

"Dude, maybe the clue's round the back of the farm," suggested Marth.

"Let's check real quick, man," said Fox, leaving. "I don't think Mario and Bowser are following us,"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"At least I can take off the suit," sighed Jigglypuff, taking it off. "Mewtwo, come on!"

"You go," snapped Mewtwo, glaring at Olimartha and the two kids. "I'll catch up."

Jigglypuff gave an uncertain look, and then ran out to the backyard.

Crazy Hand was floating there in an impressive manner, and the CBS orchestra played triumphant music.

"Jigglypuff, where's Mewtwo?" asked Crazy Hand.

Half of the house exploded, and Mewtwo avoided guard dogs and sniper fire (for the third leg in a row).

"THE KID LOOKED AT ME FUNNY!" raged Mewtwo, throwing a grenade at Olimartha, who was crying hysterically.

"Mewtwo, run!" panicked Jigglypuff, stepping on the mat.

"It's okay, I have a peace offering!" replied Mewtwo, stepping on the mat. "Crazy Hand, I will personally give you this Hocotatian child in exchange for a place in the final three!"

Crazy Hand stared at Mewtwo.

"Come on!" cried Jigglypuff, snapping her non-existent fingers.

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you're team number one!" said Crazy Hand, breaking into a wide grin.

Jigglypuff gave a happy squeal and hugged Mewtwo.

Mewtwo gave a happy squeal and drugged Jigglypuff.

"And I've got good news for you: you are the first of three teams who will get to race to the finish line, for **one million dollars**!" finished Crazy Hand.

Jigglypuff grinned ecstatically. Mewtwo span round on the spot and raised his arms to the sky.

"I AM A GOD!" bellowed Mewtwo.

"Dude, shut up," said Rayquaza, appearing from the sky. Mewtwo shot him.

_Roy and Ganondorf_

"At this point, like, I'm pretty sure we're last," said Ganondorf, tugging on Roy's foot to bring him back down to the ground.

Roy and Ganondorf ran round a corner and down Olimar's street.

_Mario and Bowser_

"Where is this thing-a?" asked Mario, frustrated, getting dizzy off of his paint thinner.

"The frats better not find this," grunted Bowser.

_Marth and Fox_

"Dude, there's Roy and Ganon!" grinned Marth. "Think we should ask them?"

"They're headed to that house, man," noticed Fox, pointing at Olimar's house. "Maybe that's where the next clue is!"

_Roy and Ganondorf_

"Like, there's the frat boys!" panicked Ganondorf, pointing at Marth and Fox.

"Arr, what be they doin'?" wondered Roy. "They look confused..."

"Like, we can set them back!" realised Ganondorf.

"Dude, Roy, where's the next clue?" asked Marth wearily.

"Arr, ye get the suit," began Roy, tugging on his own suit.

"Check," said Fox from inside his suit.

"Then ye get the next one from the farrrmerr," said Roy. "Ye've got ter go barrrck."

Marth and Fox exchanged glances.

"All the way back to the like, farm!" sneered Ganondorf.

"Arr, sorry me swabbies," said Roy.

Marth and Fox left anxiously.

"Like, sorry?" asked Ganondorf. "I'd much rather have Mario and Bowser with us in the final leg than _them_! Good thing Mario and Bowser aren't having trouble!"

_Marth and Fox_

Marth and Fox hi-fived as they ran.

"Man, I can't believe they gave us the info we need to finish the leg!" grinned Fox.

"I know, right?" laughed Marth. "Dude, we've seen Roy and Ganon work with Mario and Bowser a few times back in Port Town, and they helped us instead of them!"

"You think they realise that, bro?" asked Fox.

"Roy probably does," realised Marth. "But dude, I doubt Ganondorf knows a thing about what they just told us!"

"Oh crap bro, here's Mario and Bowser," noticed Fox, pointing at them. "They better not have found the farmer."

"Play dumb with them, dude," advised Marth.

_Mario and Bowser_

Exhausted, Mario and Bowser ran up to the frats.

"Are Roy and Ganondorf up ahead?" asked Bowser.

"We didn't see them, man," replied Fox hastily.

"Yes-a, they are! I see them!" said Mario. "Frats-a, do you have to go to that house-a to get the clue?"

Marth and Fox said nothing.

"Did you try the house?" asked Bowser desperately.

A long, tense pause.

"No," answered Marth.

The two teams exchanged meaningful glances, then ran off in different directions; Mario and Bowser to Olimar's house, Marth and Fox to the farm.

_Marth and Fox_

"Man, we've spent half the race as the freaking _foil _to Mario and Bowser," remembered Fox worriedly. "Remember the first leg? Remember New Pork City?"

Marth nodded nervously.

"Dude, I knew something like this would happen near the end, us versus them," agreed Marth, biting his lip. "And it's happenin' right now!"

_Mario and Bowser_

"What's-a the worst thing that could happen-a if we go into the house-a?" asked Mario airily, getting higher and higher on paint thinner.

"So this is what it's like to get Speed Bumped twice," sighed Bowser. "A high Mario..."

_Marth and Fox_

The frats sprinted into the farm, and found the farmer waiting.

"I was wonderin' why come you fellers took off in such a hurry!" laughed the farmer, handing Marth a clue.

"Olimar's house is the pit stop, dude," Marth told Fox after hurriedly reading the clue.

"Good, this suit's getting annoying," said Fox.

_Mario and Bowser_

"We might as well try the house," said Bowser glumly. "Roy and Ganondorf are headed there, Roy's still wearing the suit..."

"Butterflies-a make me smile!" giggled Mario, intoxicated.

_Marth and Fox_

"Mario and Bowser could appear at any moment, man," said Fox.

"Even if they're just wandering around, they could still see us and come back here, dude," agreed Marth, worried.

Expecting disappointment, Marth and Fox rounded the corner to Olimar's street...

...only to see Mario and Bowser enter Olimar's house.

_Mario and Bowser_

"No idea where else the clue could be," admitted Bowser to the camera, dragging Mario along.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Yarr, help me get this suit off!" shouted Roy, struggling.

Olimartha and Ganondorf struggled, and eventually got the space suit off of Roy.

"Those things be small!" complained Roy, stretching painfully.

"Well, we Hocotatians are small people," said Olimartha. "It's because our body structure is comprised of-"

Roy and Ganondorf left.

_Marth and Fox_

"Gotta be careful, man," said Fox. "If Mario and Bowser come back out the house and see us, they'll know they have to go back to the farm!"

"Dude, if this does happen and they pass us..." began Marth hesitantly. "I just want you to know that I think we've done really well. I'm proud of you, dude!"

Marth grinned tearfully.

"Aw, man, gay," chastised Fox.

"You were in love with me for two legs," said Marth flatly.

Fox shut up hastily.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Nervously casting glances over their shoulders, Roy and Ganondorf ran onto the mat.

"Roy and Ganondorf, you're team number two!" welcomed Crazy Hand.

Roy and Ganondorf shook hands wearily.

"And I have good news for you: you are the second of three teams who will get to race to the finish line for one million dollars!" continued Crazy Hand.

"Arr, thank ye," smiled Roy, exhausted.

"I just hope we beat that damn _Jigglypuff_ in the final..." said Ganondorf grimly.

_Mario and Bowser_

Olimartha helped Mario out of his suit, and he and Bowser kept running, outside and into the backyard.

"Yarr, this ain't gonna be good," said Roy, leaving the mat with Ganondorf and seeing them.

"Bowser-a, I don't think-a this is right," admitted Mario, standing on the mat.

Bowser nodded and stepped on the mat.

"Mario and Bowser, you're the third team to arrive," said Crazy Hand. "But I must ask, how did you know to come here?"

Mario nervously looked down at his feet.

"We followed Roy and Ganondorf," admitted Bowser. "We had no idea."

"I cannot check you in as you did not pick up the clue directing you here," said Crazy Hand.

Bowser nodded fearfully, and he and Mario ran back. As they ran back inside Olimar's house, they passed Roy and Ganondorf.

"The farmer has the clue!" called Ganondorf.

Mario mouthed wordlessly, and Bowser gave a thumbs-up. Eventually, they ran into the frats running up to the house.

"Hey, guys," mumbled Fox awkwardly.

"Listen dudes, we've been rivals the whole race, we might as well just make one last peace offering, since one of us will be goin' out," reasoned Marth. "The farmer's in a shack at the back of the farm, he gives you the clue."

"We know-a," said Mario.

"The Pokemon and the schizos are there already," said Bowser, forcing an even voice.

"Just...go for it, dudes," said Marth, shaking Mario's hand. Fox followed suit, and shook Bowser's hand. "What happens happens."

Mario and Bowser nodded, and for the second time, both teams headed in opposite directions.

_Marth and Fox_

"We handled that pretty well, dude," said Marth quietly.

"These things happen, bro," nodded Fox (as well as one can nod in a sluggish space suit).

_Mario and Bowser_

"Now we need-a to go all the way back to the farm-a!" groaned Mario in frustration. "This is so agonizing-a!"

"Mario, I'm actually surprised at how mature you're being about all this," admitted Bowser. "I expected you to melt down, I guess I'm sorry for undermining you like that!"

"You should have heard-a Ganondorf," chuckled Mario.

"I just don't understand how we managed to do something so stupid," sighed Bowser.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 3__rd__ Place_

"Are they out of earshot, dude?" asked Marth.

"Yup," nodded Fox.

"Great," grinned Marth.

The frats jumped on the pit stop.

"Suck it, Mario and Bowser!" called Marth.

Fox chuckled.

"Marth and Fox, you're team number three!" greeted Crazy Hand.

"Awesome!" cheered Fox.

"And I have good news for you! You are the third of three teams who will get to race to the finish line for one million dollars!" grinned Crazy Hand.

Marth and Fox high-fived each other triumphantly.

_Mario and Bowser  
__Currently in Last Place_

Mario and Bowser ran into the farm and took the clue from the farmer.

Sad orchestra music.

"Every minute counts if we can still pass the frat boys," said Bowser, beginning to jog back to the house.

"Please tell me-a they got held up somehow-a!" groaned Mario, fearfully squeezing his eyes shut.

Mario and Bowser ran through the house, and into the backyard where Crazy Hand floated over the mat.

"It's not looking good," sighed Bowser, stepping on the mat.

"Mario and Bowser, you're the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand somberly. "And I'm sorry to tell you that you've both been eliminated from the race."

"Damn," grunted Bowser, looking down at the ground.

"It figures-a," sighed Mario.

"Well, I guess it's cool that we ended up fourth behind the best three teams," reasoned Bowser. "And Mario grew up a lot over the course of this leg, I'm impressed."

Everyone looked expectantly at Mario.

"Keep-a complimenting me, I like it-a," smiled Mario.

Mario, Bowser, Crazy Hand, and the final three all laughed merrily.

"Go the hell away," said Crazy Hand flatly.

Mario and Bowser walked away sadly, and Bowser had a flashback-induced heart attack.

_Final Three Trash-Talk_

_Marth_

"Dude, I believe Fox and I are gonna win, end of story," said Marth confidently.

_Ganondorf_

"I'd have liked Mario and Bowser to like, not get eliminated, but better them than me," said Ganondorf.

_Jigglypuff_

"This is great! Me and Mewtwo started the race coming in bad places like tenth and ninth, but now we're crossing the finish line!" cheered Jigglypuff.

_Roy_

"Arr, we be the best at narrvigation," said Roy. "And if we keep arr cool, we're unstoppable."

_Fox_

"I'm so prepped to come first in this thing, man," grinned Fox.

_Mewtwo_

"We'll win the race, or Jigglypuff will die trying," assured Mewtwo, taking out a knife and caressing it gently.

* * *

"Next time, on the Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" said Crazy Hand.

Clip of Roy fighting off some ninjas.

Clip of Ganondorf prancing through some posies.

Clip of Fox doing a kegstand.

Clip of Marth talking to some sorority girls.

Clip of Mewtwo slitting a puppy's throat.

"You've watched them race for eleven legisodes, but next week on the race..."

Clip of Jigglypuff standing there.

"Someone..."

Clip of Jigglypuff standing there.

"...will..."

Clip of Jigglypuff standing there.

"...die..."

Clip of Jigglypuff standing there.

"Oh, and also someone wins," said Crazy Hand, as if remembering at the last second.

* * *

Arrival Times!

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff: 5:19pm

Roy and Ganondorf: 5:28pm

Marth and Fox: 5:33pm

Mario and Bowser: 5:42pm – **ELIMINATED**

* * *

Final leg next time! Leave some feedback as usual – who you want to win, favourite parts of the leg, predictions for the finale!

Of course, the finale will be double length! In terms of both content, and time taken to come out...so read and reread to your heart's content!

Or I won't let you read the final.


	12. The Thing Finally Ends in Smashville!

And here it is. The extra-long final leg. I still don't own anything, and I hope you enjoy this as much as I pretended to enjoy writing it!

* * *

"Previously on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" boomed Crazy Hand. "Eleven teams began a race around the world!"

"Marth and Fox started out on bad terms with Mario and Bowser, always staying one step ahead of them!"

_"Man, I feel pressured to stay ahead of Mario now..." lamented Marth."It seems like we just have to beat him everywhere! Why do we do it?"_

_"Because it's really funny for us." said Fox._

_"But why?"_

_"Because it's really funny for us."_

_"Bu-"_

_"Because it's really funny for us."_

"Eventually, DK and Meta-Knight proved they were too lazy and cynical for the race, and were eliminated first!"

_"I knew it." said DK._

_"Whatever, just get out of my show." said Crazy Hand unceremoniously._

"The teams then went to Corneria, where Pichu and Young Link found themselves targeted and hated!"

"_D'aww, this is great!" smiled Pichu. "The alliance is definitely making the race more fun!"_

"_It's great, now we feel compelled to beat them, it's awesome!" cheered Young Link._

"_Being ganged up on is the best!" Pichu went on._

"But after being arrested for smoking on the race, Samus and Mr. Game and Watch were the second team eliminated!"

_Mr. Game and Watch had a beeping monologue, lasting ten minutes._

"_Aw, I love you too!" smiled Samus, making out with Mr. Game and Watch._

"_They were dating?" asked Crazy Hand._

"In the third leg, teams went to Johto, where Kirby and Ness took advantage of Ike and Pit and Mario and Bowser to surge ahead in the pack!"

_Kirby punched Ike in the stomach, Ness kicked Pit in the crotch, and they stepped on the mat._

"_Kirby and Ness, you're team number one!"_

"After their train broke down out of their control, Link and Pikachu fell behind and arrived last!"

"_Pfft, your show sucked anyway," scoffed Link, walking away._

"_Jerk," retorted Crazy Hand._

"The remaining eight teams travelled to Aether, where Kirby felt pressurized to stay in the front and took it out on Ness!"

_Kirby stabbed Ness in the face and took the Luminoth message._

"_OW!" cried Ness, massaging the bleeding gash in his face where Kirby had attacked him with a Swiss army knife. "What was that?!"_

"And after being the fourth team eliminated, Yoshi had a surprise in store for Peach!"

"_I'm gay," finished Yoshi._

"_Huh?" asked Peach, confused._

"_Yes...so it looks like we can't be together any more..." sniffed Yoshi, a tear running down his cheek._

"'_k," replied Peach._

"In the fifth leg, romance surfaced!"

"_Forget that...I'm in love..." simpered Ike. "With a beautiful woman..."_

_Pit considered the remaining racers. "Ganondorf?"_

_Ike suddenly slipped out of his reverie, and slapped Pit._

"_Jigglypuff, you fool! Her name is Jigglypuff!" screamed Ike._

"And the most hotly anticipated elimination – the death of Pichu and Young Link!"

_Crazy Hand shoved Young Link off of the space colony ARK._

"In New Pork City, Kirby suddenly became happy, and Ness found out why!"

_He quickly searched Kirby's sleeping bag, and found a used syringe and an empty bottle._

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff and Ike and Pit spent the whole leg in the back together, with Ike and Pit placing last in the first non-elimination!"

"_Aww, isn't she great?" asked Ike, hugging Jigglypuff._

"_I hate all of you," said Mewtwo in a fatherly tone._

_Everyone chuckled merrily._

"In the Mushroom Kingdom, Roy and Ganondorf performed reasonably well until Ganondorf was injured!"

"_It's not that bad," lied Roy._

_Ganondorf had poisoned himself by getting asbestos from the castle stuck in an open wound from one of Roy's night terror attacks._

"But in the end, even they were able to stay ahead of Ike and Pit, who had been set back by a bad flight and eliminated!"

"_We've really proved that the gay community can really-" began Pit._

"_We're not gay," said Ike._

"The five teams left went to Trial City, where Fox was upstaged on a shooting Road Block by Kirby and Ganondorf!"

"_Oh the agony, man!" groaned Fox dramatically, missing yet again. "From cocky gunman to being beat by a puffball and a medieval teen girl!"_

"Mario and Bowser lost time Bald Snarking, and were saved by the second non-elimination leg!"

"_We didn't really give it our all this leg, Crazy Hand," shrugged Bowser. "So we're pretty confident we can recover,"_

"_I'm-a glad we get another chance-a!" smiled Mario. "Hopefully we don't-a Ike and Pit it up-a!"_

_Nobody laughed._

"In Shadow Moses Island, things got...homoerotic...between three of the five teams!"

"_Well..." hesitated Mewtwo. "Bowser likes Mario, who likes Fox, who likes Marth, who likes Ganondorf!"_

_Jigglypuff went to vomit over something completely unrelated._

"Roy and Ganondorf were gypped out of finally winning a leg by a...surprise guest..."

_Ganondorf weakly pointed to the enigmatic OC, who was beating Roy with a stick._

"_pirat3s r fun!"_

"However, it was Kirby and Ness who became the seventh team eliminated!"

"_Well, you win some, you lose some," said Kirby. "Put 'er there, Ness old chum!"_

_Ness extended the hand he still had._

_Kirby ripped it off and threw it in a trashcan._

"The remaining four teams moved on to Port Town, where Mewtwo revealed his only fear, much to Jigglypuff's annoyance!"

"_I can't go in broad daylight!" protested Mewtwo. "What if Captain Falcon sees me?"_

"_How will he see you?" asked Jigglypuff._

"_I heard he has telekinetic, extrasensory vision!" cried Mewtwo, sobbing._

"_So do you!" argued Jigglypuff._

"_He has nipple caps!" sobbed Mewtwo._

"After Bowser objected to eating live falcon, he and Mario Bald Snarked once again and had to be saved by another non-elimination!"

"_We're gonna take it, and we're-a gonna shoot back up to first-a!" yelled Mario. "Ain't no room for second place-a! We're gonna kick some ass-a!"_

"_We..uh..have some confidence," Bowser meekly told the camera._

"Later, in Planet Hocotate, tensions arose between the only girl left in the race, and the most feminine guy!"

"_Good," replied Mewtwo. "Say, do you hear a piercing shriek?"_

_Ganondorf flew through the air and landed on Jigglypuff. The two started another slapfight._

"_Arr, not again!" cried Roy, running up to the slapfight._

"Near the end, it boiled down to a rivalry nearly as old the race itself: Marth and Fox vs. Mario and Bowser!"

"_Did you try the house?" asked Bowser desperately._

_A long, tense pause._

"_No," answered Marth._

"With Mario and Bowser becoming the last team eliminated!"

_Mario, Bowser, Crazy Hand, and the final three all laughed merrily._

"_Go the hell away," said Crazy Hand flatly._

"Roy and Ganondorf made their way through the race by flying under the radar, and while they weren't the best at tasks, their navigational skills propelled them to the final three!"

"Marth and Fox approached the race with a carefree attitude, and though that attitude was tested several times, they kept their cool, respected everyone, and wound up in the final three!"

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff started the race as a fairly weak team, but as time progressed, they became dominating powerhouses, thanks to Mewtwo's...assertiveness. Paired with Jigglypuff's enthusiasm, they forced their way into the final three!"

"There are no more eliminations. By the end of this leg, one of these three teams..."

Crazy Hand signalled to the orchestra, who played a dramatic music sting.

"...will win The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!"

* * *

The Final Three! (with their plans for the million)

Mewtwo/Jigglypuff (DOOMSDAY DEVICE! THEY WILL ALL BOW BEFORE ME!/World peace!)

Roy/Ganondorf (Accent rerrrrmoval surgery/Botox, botox, and so much botox!)

Marth/Fox (Um, beer and chicks?/Um, chicks and beer?)

* * *

"This is Olimar's House!" said Crazy Hand. "The home of everyone's favourite plant slave driver midget! This house was the eleventh pit stop in a race around the world! Teams arrived here at the end of the last leg for a mandatory rest period, where they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams!"

_Mewtwo painted crudely exaggerated pictures of Marth, Fox, Roy and Ganondorf on the wall, and proceeded to shoot them._

_Ganondorf posted mean things on Jigglypuff's MySpace._

_A drunken Marth hit on Olimartha._

"Which two teams will buckle under the pressure? And which team will win the **one million dollars?**" asked Crazy Hand. "Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, who were first to arrive at 5:19pm, will depart at 5:19am!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__1__st__ to Depart, 5:19am_

"Mewtwo, can I open the last clue?" asked Jigglypuff excitedly. "Please? Can I? Please? Come on!"

"Yes!" grinned Mewtwo in a friendly manner.

"Really?" asked Jigglypuff, welling up.

"No," frowned Mewtwo, throwing her in a bush. He opened the clue. "Find the President of Hocotate Freight..."

"_Teams must now backtrack to Hocotate Freight, and find the President!" said Crazy Hand. "He will give them their next clue!"_

Mewtwo dragged Jigglypuff out of the bush, and stormed up to a taxi.

"Do you know where to find the President?" asked Jigglypuff politely.

"Yeah, I do," nodded the driver. "Get in, and have a good time!"

"The camera's not focusing on you," said Mewtwo bluntly.

"Oh," said the driver. He slouched into the cab, followed by the Pokemon.

"So, we've had our ups and downs!" grinned Jigglypuff. "We've won the most legs out of anybody in the top three, but we've also been second-to-last a lot!"

"Precisely, now shut up," said Mewtwo. "All we have to do is defeat the other idiots one last time, and we're done."

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__2__nd__ to Depart, 5:28am_

"Like, you have fifty dollars for this leg of the race," read Ganondorf, counting the money.

Roy and Ganondorf got into a cab.

"Arr, we be trying to just hang in tharr until we get one perfect chance to pass the otharr two teams," explained Roy to the camera.

"We like, need to watch out for the frat boys," noted Ganondorf. "Because Jigglypuff's a stupid little girl in way over her head, and she'll totally mess it up for Mewtwo!"

"Arr, plus Mewtwo will probably finally wind up in the brig," chuckled Roy.

...

"I mean jail..." finished Roy.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Please go faster, Mr. Driver!" urged Jigglypuff nervously.

"We need to find the President because my pink friend here is **very sick and will die**," said Mewtwo in a harsh tone. "Now find him, or I'll kill you."

"But sir, we've been here for about five minutes," pointed out the driver. "I've been wondering when you'd stop threatening me and get out."

Mewtwo jumped out of the cab, jumped back in, broke the driver's neck, jumped back out, and ran up to the waiting president.

"Get the clue!" roared Mewtwo at Jigglypuff, who was lagging behind.

Jigglypuff took the clue with a whimper, and read it. "Make your way back to Smashville!"

"_Teams must now fly to South Smashville, and find South Smashville High School!" said Crazy Hand. "It's here where teams will find their next clue!"_

"Finally, we're leaving these damn excuses for habitats and returning to Smashville," said Mewtwo, rolling his eyes.

"I live in one of these habitats," said the replacement driver angrily.

"Shut up," said Mewtwo, flexing his neck-breaking arm.

_Marth and Fox  
__Last to Depart, 5:33am_

"Let's jet, man!" grinned Fox after reading the clue.

"At the start of the race, we thought we'd be a great team, dude," Marth told the camera. "Then as we got down to the last few teams, we started running into more and more problems, and it nearly eliminated us last leg!"

"Man, being so close to elimination last time was a real eye-opener," agreed Fox. "We were kind of humble last leg, now it's time to be the cocky, superior frat dudes we were at the start!"

Marth and Fox did their super-secret handshake (patented!) and got in their cab.

_Hocotate Airport_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff ran up to the airport, and saw to their dismay that it was closed.

"Why is everything always closed when we get here?" asked Mewtwo angrily.

"I'll uh, try use the phone to call about flights," said Jigglypuff timidly. "It worked for everyone else last leg."

"And I'll try and erase Ganondorf's memory of you from here," said Mewtwo. "I'm not letting you hold us up because you want another catfight."

Mewtwo focused.

"I can't reach him," cursed Mewtwo. "Here, give me the phone."

"No thanks, I'm doing okay," said Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo grabbed Jigglypuff's curl and twisted it in two full circles. The curl came off, and Mewtwo forcefed it to a happy passing squirrel. The squirrel keeled over and died, and Mewtwo stuck the dead squirrel with a curl hanging out of its mouth back onto Jigglypuff's forehead, laughing evilly and chanting in Latin.

"Fine, here you go," sighed Jigglypuff, rolling her eyes and handing Mewtwo the phone.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf got out of their cab, and ran up to the president.

"Make yarr way back to South Smashville!" read Roy happily.

"Woo!" cheered Ganondorf, doing a happy dance. "Like, going to Smashville will be super-easy for us! We live there now, we like, know where everything is!"

"Yarr," agreed Roy, getting back in the cab. "But so do the otharrs."

"Like, that's true," realised Ganondorf, his face falling.

"We just need to get the farrst damn flight," said Roy hurriedly, looking out of the window for signs of the frats.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Mewtwo put the phone on his shoulder to gloat at Jigglypuff.

"Ha! I just got us a connecting flight through Distant Planet!" laughed Mewtwo evilly. "We'll be a whole day ahead!"

"Wow, you are better with flights!" smiled Jigglypuff.

"Damn right, now shut up," smiled Mewtwo.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Dude, make your way to South Smashville!" grinned Marth, taking the clue from the president.

Marth and Fox hi-fived.

"We're goin' home, man!" cheered Fox.

Marth and Fox did the rock horns.

"And we'll catch the other two teams at the airport, dude!" laughed Marth.

Marth and Fox power-hugged.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"How many seats are left on the Distant Planet flight?" asked Mewtwo hurriedly.

"_None," replied the voice on the other line. "The last seat was purchased by a...Mr. Crazy Hand, who needed the flight on VIP business. Something about getting somewhere to explain some task to some audience, I dunno."_

"I've got a balloon girl with me," said Mewtwo urgently. "I'll tie myself to the plane, and she can ride in the engine or something. Just get us on that flight!"

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf arrived at the airport, in time to see Mewtwo pleading on the phone, and Jigglypuff sitting around obliviously.

"I'd like to burst that thing," sneered Ganondorf, looking down at Jigglypuff. "I like, want to hurt her so badly!"

"Yarr, I wonder why tharr Pokemon didn't notice this flight board outside?" wondered Roy, checking the board.

Ganondorf swivelled over and looked at the board.

"Like, we could get this one!" smiled Ganondorf. "It's a direct to South Smashville! That way, we won't like, end up behind on a bad connection!"

Roy nodded, trying to stay out of Mewtwo's sight. "Arr, all we have to do now is wait 'till yonder ticket countarr opens inside!"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

Marth and Fox sat nervously in their cab.

"I'm not letting any of these clues out of my sight after what happened to us and Mario and Bowser last leg, man," said Fox.

"Dude, don't worry," grinned Marth. "I took a photo of the clue!"

"Are we allowed to do that?" asked Fox.

Marth shrugged.

"I don't know, that's why I didn't take any photos, dude," said Marth.

Fox opened his mouth, then hastily closed it.

_Hocotate Airport_

"The ticket counter's open!" grinned Jigglypuff excitedly, as Mewtwo hung up.

Mewtwo used his mind to drag the entire counter over to him.

"Is there any way we can get on that Distant Planet flight?" asked Mewtwo.

"No, but we have a direct flight to South Smashville," said the ticket agent, intimidated.

"Arr, is that the fastest one?" asked Roy from behind Mewtwo.

"Like, what happens if it's not?" worried Ganondorf.

"Yarr, then we won't be totally screwed, the Pokemon arr on it too," replied Roy simply.

At that point, Marth and Fox walked in the airport and strutted up to the other two teams.

"Dudes, can we cut in front of you?" asked Marth.

"Arr, no," said Roy.

"No!" said Ganondorf.

"Die," said Mewtwo.

"Um...no?" said Jigglypuff uncertainly.

"Worth a try, man," chuckled Fox, moving to the back of the line. "At least everyone in the final three's so friendly about stuff like this!"

Without warning, Jigglypuff suddenly turned round and leapt on Ganondorf's face, biting rapidly.

"Jigglypuff, you balloonish vermin, what did I tell you about that?" raged Mewtwo.

"Yarr, Jigglestpurff, whatever yar name be," said Roy. "Mewtwo's not exactly the kind of parrrson you want to get angry."

"I don't care, Roy!" yelled Jigglypuff. "I've been waiting to beat up your little girlfriend for too long!"

"Garrrlfriend?" asked Roy, confused. "Ganondorf be a ma-"

"Masochist!" cut in Marth. He shot a glare at Roy. "Dude, don't ruin this action! Yeah, Ganondorf loves getting hurt, Jigs! Better rough _her_ up real good!"

"We need!" shouted Mewtwo, ripping Jigglypuff off of Ganondorf. "To go! TO THE DAMN GATE!"

"But I need to kill her!" whimpered Jigglypuff, glaring at Ganondorf.

"You don't see me trying to kill Roy!" argued Mewtwo.

"Yes you do!" cried Jigglypuff. "You try and kill everyone!"

Ganondorf glared right back at Jigglypuff's retreating figure, as Roy and the frats looked on, confused.

"Dude, can we get our tickets now?" asked Marth impatiently.

Roy moved Ganondorf out of the way, and the two teams bought their tickets and followed the Pokemon onto the plane.

"_All three teams are on the same flight from Planet Hocotate directly to Smashville!" said Crazy Hand._

_Hocotate-Smashville Flight_

"We're hoping to keep ourselves well-liked," explained Marth. "We don't want any rivalries like all the other dudes have."

"Just look at them over there, bro," said Fox, shaking his head in disbelief. "No self control..."

Ganondorf and Jigglypuff leapt out of the airport bathroom, locked in yet another furious fist-fight.

"Prep!" yelled Jigglypuff.

"Ditz!" yelled Ganondorf.

"Yarr, can't ye tone it down a little bit?" asked Roy. "I be tryin' to catch some sleep on this flight!"

Roy's eyes widened, and he ducked a thrown rock.

"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!" bellowed Mewtwo, throwing Ganondorf back into the bathroom and seizing Jigglypuff. "Jigglypuff, I command you to leave that ma-"

"-Sochist!" called Marth hastily, covering Mewtwo's use of the word 'man'.

"-alone, or face violent disembowelment!" finished Mewtwo, stapling Jigglypuff to her seat.

Roy helped Ganondorf out of the bathroom.

"Like, Mewtwo always breaks it up," complained Ganondorf, with a bleeding lip. "I wish he'd like, leave us alone and let me kick that balloon's ass!"

_South Smashville  
__1__st__ Flight Landed_

"We be home again!" cheered Roy, stepping out into South Smashville airport. "Arr, it even smells like home!"

"Yeah dude, I totally smell the difference!" grinned Marth, looking around at the familiar sights. "Just breathe in that aroma of coffee and newsprint!"

"It's great, isn't it?" asked Fox. "I could just stay here forever, man!"

"I hear you!" nodded Ganondorf. "This is like, totally awesome!"

"Move it, ignoramuses," fumed Mewtwo, ripping the two teams apart and storming past with Jigglypuff.

"Wait a minute, isn't the high school right next to the airport?" asked Marth.

Everyone hastily ran after the Pokemon.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

The Pokemon ran up to the school, and Mewtwo picked up the clue.

"Make your way to Gulliver's Stargazing Point," read Mewtwo.

"_Teams must now make their way to Gulliver's Stargazing Point; an isolated part of Smashville where Gulliver searches for UFOs!" said Crazy Hand. "Teams can only use one mode of transportation: these three marked school buses!"_

"You must make your way there using these school buses..." read Mewtwo.

"I guess you'll be driving that..." sighed Jigglypuff.

"No, you drive the bus," smirked Mewtwo. "I have a better idea..."

Jigglypuff hopped onto the driver's seat, and Mewtwo took out a whip.

"Go! Go!" yelled Mewtwo, whipping Jigglypuff and throwing the occasional grenade out of the window.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"We have to drive the bus there, dude!" chuckled Marth after reading the clue.

"Cool, cool!" smiled Fox. "You drive, I'll navigate!"

Marth and Fox hi-fived and got in their bus.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Yarr, Mewtwo be throwing grenades!" yelled Roy, weaving through the explosions.

"Just pull the clue!" screamed Ganondorf, covering his ears.

"Make yarr way to Gulliver's Stargazing Point!" cried Roy over the noise. "I'll steer the ship!"

Roy ran into the last bus, made sure Ganondorf sat down, and began driving erratically.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Jigglypuff, I implore you to go faster!" raged Mewtwo, whipping Jigglypuff a few more times.

"Please, can't you ask me nicely?" asked Jigglypuff, crying helplessly.

"NEVER!" raged Mewtwo.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"I'm just following the Pokemon, dude," Marth told Fox.

"Better hope they're goin' the right way, bro," warned Fox.

"Or that they don't cause a bus crash," chuckled Marth.

...

Marth and Fox suddenly looked more worried.

_Gulliver's Stargazing Point_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

At the request of Mewtwo's whip, Jigglypuff steered the bus into the middle of the field, and ran to the cluebox as the other two buses arrived.

"Wow, look at all the stars!" smiled Jigglypuff, pointing up at the constellations in the sky.

Mewtwo slapped her. "Amazing. Just pick up the clue!"

"Detour!" read Jigglypuff.

"_A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Detour, teams must choose between Pessimist and Optimist!"_

"_In Pessimist, teams must go to the very edge of the Stargazing Point, where they will find Mr. Resetti! Teams must then listen to one of his trademark rants! Once Resetti finishes , he will give teams their next clue! The task is not difficult, but very time-consuming as Resetti is well-known for his whining-er, social commentary!"_

"_In Optimist, teams must search the nearby UFO Museum for the Spaceship exhibit, and find one of three marked plastic rocket ships among the exhibit's display! They must then deliver the marked ship to Gulliver outside! Gulliver will give them their next clue!"_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"Easy choice," said Mewtwo quickly. "Optimist, I'm not listening to any whining from that damn mole."

_Marth and Fox_

"Optimist, dude," said Marth. "We don't know how long Resetti could go on for."

_Roy and Ganondorf_

"Like, we should do Optimist," decided Ganondorf. "We need to keep an eye on the other teams!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__On Optimist_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff ran through the museum, and saw a sign for the Spaceship Exhibit, two floors up.

"There's an elevator!" cried Jigglypuff, pointing.

Mewtwo forced her into it, and hammered the button angrily.

_Marth and Fox  
__On Optimist_

"Dude, Mewtwo and Jigs got in that elevator!" cried Marth.

"After them!" called Fox, sprinting to the elevator.

Marth leapt forward and stuck his sword between the doors before they closed. He wedged the doors open, let Fox in, and closed them before Roy and Ganondorf could appear.

"Hey dudes," greeted Marth, out of breath.

"I'll kill you," whispered Mewtwo coldly.

The elevator arrived on the Spaceship Exhibit's floor, and the two teams sprinted out.

"Jigglypuff, over here!" bellowed Mewtwo, summoning her over.

"We're never going to find our ship in time!" gasped Jigglypuff, looking at the large pile of spaceships.

"Kid, you're forgetting who you're with," smirked Mewtwo evilly. He used his mind to run Ctrl+F. He's Mewtwo, he can do it if he wants.

A spaceship marked 'Mewtwo and Jigglypuff' floated out of the pile.

"Wow, thanks Mewtwo!" cheered Jigglypuff, catching the toy ship.

"I am the greatest," proclaimed Mewtwo, throwing the pile at Marth and Fox.

"Wow dude, look!" cheered Marth. "Mewtwo beaned us with our ship!"

Marth proudly held up a ship marked 'Marth and Fox'.

"Now that's dumb luck!" chuckled Fox merrily.

"Jigglypuff, quick!" yelled Mewtwo. "Out this way, we can beat them down to Gulliver!"

Mewtwo threw Jigglypuff out of the window, and then jumped out after her.

"Oh no you don't!" shouted Fox, jumping out.

"We'll catch those dudes, no problem!" called Marth, following suit. Out of the window.

"Hi everyone!" smiled Gulliver cheerfully. "I want to visit outer space!"

Four fists hit Gulliver's stomach at the same time.

"Ow!" complained Gulliver. "Just take your clues!"

Gulliver weakly handed Mewtwo and Fox the clues.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"Make your way to..."

_Marth and Fox_

"...Kappn's Dock..."

"_Teams must now drive fifteen miles to Kappn's Dock, and take a five mile boat ride out to this buoy, where they will find their next clue!" explained Crazy Hand._

"Dude, haul ass!" cried Marth, running back to the bus.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"Don't let them pass us this easily!" roared Mewtwo, throwing Jigglypuff back in the bus and pulling out two whips.

"At least we're not last!" whimpered Jigglypuff, being stricken again.

Mewtwo hit her again.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

Roy and Ganondorf ran out of the elevator, and frantically searched for their ship.

"Like, how are we supposed to find our thingy?" asked Ganondorf, panicking.

Roy held up the ship, which was a different colour than all the other ones.

"Arr, maybe the Detarrr be easy 'cause thar be difficult tasks up ahead..." surmised Roy.

Roy and Ganondorf jumped out of the window, and took Gulliver's last clue.

"Like, the other teams only have a tiny lead on us," said Ganondorf.

"Arr, and we be heading to the seas next," smirked Roy triumphantly. "I be in my element!"

_Kappn's Dock_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Jigglypuff drove the bus off of a ramp, landed on a barge and fell out next to Kappn.

"See how easy it is when you do what the whip says?" asked Mewtwo, calmly stepping out of the wreckage.

"Ahoy!" greeted Kappn. "Take one of these boats and let your seafaring commence!"

"So, do you always speak like that?" asked Mewtwo. "How do you live with yourself, knowing you'll forever be known as 'that guy with the annoying nautical motif'? Friends, family, everyone will forever mock and torment you when they think you're at your most vulnerable...you just hide behind the mask of the lovable sea captain, don't you?"

Kappn burst into tears, beckoned Mewtwo and Jigglypuff into a boat, and had an epiphany about how much his life sucks.

"Mewtwo, that was mean!" said Jigglypuff. "Poor little guy! Why'd you do that?"

"I have a Frequent Sadist card," explained Mewtwo. "I get free gas every time I kill someone, and cynical jibes and sarcastic putdowns earn points, and if I save up enough, I get a keyring."

Jigglypuff nodded, understanding.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Right dude, this is the guy who gives us the boats!" grinned Marth, walking up to Kappn.

"ALL I KNOW IS SWIRLING DEPRESSION!" cried Kappn tearfully.

"Bro, I think the guy's damaged," said Fox uncertainly, getting in a boat.

"Word," agreed Marth. "I just hope we don't have a task out here, Roy'll destroy us!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"So, Mewtwo, this is nice, huh?" asked Jigglypuff. "You and me, on a peaceful boat, in first place on the final leg!"

"It does seem that we're untouchable," agreed Mewtwo. "Probably because I exude awesomeness."

The frats' boat appeared on the horizon.

"The frat boys are here!" smiled Jigglypuff. "Hi guys!"

Marth and Fox were busy making rock horns, screaming encouragement at each other, and dodging guard dogs and sniper fire.

"Mewtwo, that's the fourth leg in a row you've done something involving those things!" said Jigglypuff, looking at Mewtwo's sniper rifle.

"Your point?" asked Mewtwo, setting more of his aquatic guard dogs free.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

Roy enthusiastically jumped into the boat, and got ready to sail it.

"Well? Can you like, sail this thing?" asked Ganondorf.

"Arr, me?" replied Roy. "I can't sail! I be a pirate! All I do is jump arrrround the rope things and sing shanties!"

Ganondorf slapped his forehead.

"Can ye sail?" asked Roy.

"Well yeah, back when I was a little girl-"

"Boy."

"-little boy, Daddy used to take me to his yacht club all the time!" smiled Ganondorf. "Then he'd hit me for being effeminate!"

Roy raised an eyebrow.

"Like, if he didn't want me to turn out effeminate, he shouldn't have like, dropped me on my head so many times!" laughed Ganondorf.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Aquatic guard dogs, dude!" cried Marth. "How can we escape them!?"

The dogs barked at Marth and Fox.

Fox barked at the dogs.

It didn't work.

"Bummer," lamented Fox.

Fox took out a machine gun and shot the dogs until they passed out forever.

They're not that funny this leg.

"Bummer," lamented Fox.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Alright, here's the buoy," said Mewtwo, pulling off one of the three clues. "Road Block!"

"So soon?" asked Jigglypuff. "How strange!"

"_A Road Block is a task only one person can perform!" explained Crazy Hand. "However, what teams don't realise is that this is a special leg with two inter-related Road Blocks! Hahahahaha!"_

_..._

"_In this Road Block, the chosen team member must dive underwater and pillage some of Kappn's treasure! There are three chests, and teams must figure out that the clue is printed on a piece of treasure rather than in the traditional envelope! However, teams will not receive any sort of diving gear for this task!" finished Crazy Hand, sweating. "Once a team finds the treasure with their clue, they must keep it for a portion of the leg!"_

"I'll do this," said Mewtwo immediately. "I won't allow you to mess this up for us!"

Mewtwo created a oxygen-filled protective bubble around himself with his mind, and teleported underwater.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Road Block!" read Marth. "Dude, how are you at swimming?"

"I'm alright, I suppose," said Fox, biting his lip nervously. "But Mewtwo and Roy will be tough to beat! Man, Mewtwo can do anything, and Roy's a nautical expert! I can only hope that – "

Marth pushed Fox into the water.

_Fox  
__On Road Block_

Fox spluttered, and blearily looked up at the surface, then down to the ocean floor.

"We were right above the chests, bro!" laughed Fox, swimming straight down.

Fox looked over at Mewtwo, who was ripping apart fish in his angry search.

"Better hurry," Fox told himself, raking through the treasure. "Clue's gotta be on one of these..."

_Mewtwo  
__On Road Block_

"_I can't find these damn chests, you inferior specimen!" _fumed Mewtwo telepathically.

"Swim over to where Fox is!" cried Jigglypuff frantically. "Hurry!"

Mewtwo span around and made a beeline for Fox, gliding through the water at high speeds.

_Fox  
__On Road Block_

Fox swam back up to the surface, and panted heavily.

"How's it going, dude?" asked Marth. "Jigs just told Mewtwo to follow you!"

"Neither of us can find the right treasure, bro!" panted Fox. "And he made an oxygen bubble with his mind, he doesn't need to come up for air!"

Marth patted Fox's shoulder helpfully. "Dude, no worries, you've got this."

_Mewtwo  
__On Road Block_

"_Is the clue or our names printed on the treasure?" _demanded Mewtwo, sending Jigglypuff another message.

"The clue!" called Jigglypuff. "Come on Mewtwo, you can do it!"

_Fox  
__On Road Block_

"Jigs, babe, Mewtwo's goin' down," smirked Marth. "My boy Fox, he's got this thing wrapped up!"

Jigglypuff gave Marth the angriest face she could, and turned back to the task.

"Get 'im, Fox..." muttered Marth quietly.

_Mewtwo  
__On Road Block_

"WHY CAN'T I FIND THE DAMN THING?" bellowed Mewtwo, throwing treasure everywhere in anger.

Fox looked up, then hurriedly looked back down at his own treasure-packed chest.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Alright, they're all like, still here!" cheered Ganondorf.

"Arr, Road Block!" read Roy, pulling the clue. "I be doin' it!"

"Go get 'em!" encouraged Ganondorf eagerly, as Roy dived into the water.

_Fox  
__On Road Block_

"Roy's down here too, man!" called Fox, coming up for air again.

"Dude, what's it like down there now?" asked Marth anxiously.

"Not easy," replied Fox, shaking his head and diving again.

"Just watch out for Roy, dude," advised Marth, looking worried.

_Roy  
__On Road Block_

"You rock, Roy!" cheered Ganondorf, bouncing up and down, dressed like a cheerleader.

"What an ugly outfit!" said Jigglypuff, loudly and pointedly.

Ganondorf had a red outfit with an 'R' emblazoned on it.

"Oh, like yours is any better!" sneered Ganondorf.

Jigglypuff had a purple outfit with an 'M' emblazoned on it.

"I have pom-poms," said Jigglypuff angrily.

"I have long ribbon trails," said Ganondorf angrily.

The two...'women'...glared at each other angrily.

"I, uh, have a foam finger," said Marth sheepishly, holding up an orange foam finger with 'F' emblazoned on it.

Roy swam back to the surface, grinning proudly.

"Yarr, I got it," smirked Roy, talking more to Marth and Jigglypuff than Ganondorf. "Tricky, but yarr, I got it in the end!"

Ganondorf slapped Jigglypuff one last time, and ran off with Roy.

_Mewtwo  
__On Road Block_

"How did Roy come up with the clue before Mewtwo?" asked Jigglypuff incredulously.

"Beats me," shrugged Marth.

"_He did it so fast...I didn't see how he did it!" raged Mewtwo telepathically._

"Ganondorf was in last!" pouted Jigglypuff. "Now they're first, and they'll win the race!"

"Uh, Jigs, you don't know that for sure," said Marth helpfully.

Jigglypuff burst into tears.

_Fox  
__On Road Block_

Fox dug through the treasure, and eventually came up with the one with the clue.

"Marth, bro, I got it!" cheered Fox, swimming back up to Marth.

"Dude, awesome!" grinned Marth. He gave Jigglypuff an apologetic little smile, then ran off.

_Mewtwo  
__On Road Block_

"Mewtwo, everyone got it but you!" complained Jigglypuff. "I thought you were psychic!"

Mewtwo burst out of the water, and stabbed Jigglypuff with a shell before diving back in.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf started up their boat again, and looked back ecstatically.

"We were like, last!" cheered Ganondorf. "And now we're first!"

"Arr, we be awesome," grinned Roy. "We'll send tharr otharr two teams ter Davy Jones' Locker in no time!"

_Mewtwo  
__On Road Block_

"Mewtwo, _please_," whined Jigglypuff. "It can't be that hard, if the other two did it!"

"_Jigglypuff, shut the hell up!" _roared Mewtwo._ "It's hard to see through this oxygen bubble!"_

"Take it off then!" said Jigglypuff.

"_I'm a cat," _replied Mewtwo angrily._ "I'm not touching any water. Ever."_

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Dude, you can hear Jigs worryin' from here," said Marth. "It's pretty sad."

"Race is a race," chuckled Fox. "I'm just glad we're ahead of the powerhouse team, man!"

"Guess you're right..." shrugged Marth uncertainly.

_Mewtwo  
__On Road Block_

"I WILL DESTROY ALL WHO CONCEAL TREASURE UNDERWATER!" bellowed Mewtwo to nobody in particular.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Ganondorf had Roy in a tight hug.

"You're like, the best pirate ever Roy!" cheered Ganondorf.

"Arr, thank ye fair lass," smiled Roy, patting Ganondorf on the back awkwardly. "Now let's read ye clue!"

Ganondorf let go of Roy and picked up the piece of treasure.

"Make your way to Crosser Church..." read Ganondorf. "...and find Crazy Hand?!"

"_Teams must now make their way to Crosser Church, the place of worship for big-headed animals in Southern Smashville!" said Crazy Hand, floating over a pit stop mat. _

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Dude, we went from second behind the powerhouses to second behind the navigators," noted Marth, running a hand nervously through his hair.

"I guess I better check the clue before we hit land again, man," said Fox, picking up the treasure. "Make your way to Crosser Church and find Crazy Hand..."

"Something doesn't sound right about this, dude," said Marth.

_Mewtwo  
__On Road Block_

"_I can't do it, you inferior excuse for a Pokemon," _sighed Mewtwo telepathically._ "My visibility is simply too poor, and I cannot touch the water, being a cat."_

"Just bear it!" cried Jigglypuff. "You can't give up, just muscle through it like you usually do! We were the first ones here! Please, for the million!"

"_I can't see anything!" _roared Mewtwo_. "Don't make me stab you with more stuff down here!"_

"Read the other teams' minds or something then!" panicked Jigglypuff desperately. "Just do something! Anything!"

Mewtwo picked up a piece of treasure at random, jumped up to Jigglypuff, and stabbed her with it. Jigglypuff died.

"Wait, is that the right one?" asked Jigglypuff excitedly, being reborn instantly.

"No, but – oh snap, the reflection!" noticed Mewtwo. "The piece with the clue is at exactly..."

Mewtwo did some calculations, dived under, quickly picked up some treasure, and returned to the surface.

"...here!" declared Mewtwo.

"See, everything becomes easier when you use violence!" said Jigglypuff. "If you hadn't killed me, then we'd never have found the treasure!"

"Precisely," replied Mewtwo, twisting Jigglypuff's ear off.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Arr, back in the bus!" yelled Roy, as soon as they ended up back on dry land. "We'll beat these landlubbarrrs yet!"

"Like, we better hurry!" cried Ganondorf, running back into their bus.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Dude, we're right on Roy and Ganondorf's heels!" cheered Marth.

"Rock the driving, bro," said Fox, clapping Marth on the shoulder.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff arrived back on land as soon as the other two teams drove off.

"We're not as far behind as I thought," breathed Mewtwo in relief. "At least that's something."

"But we're still behind!" pouted Jigglypuff. "I won't let Ganondorf beat me!"

Mewtwo gave Jigglypuff 'the' look.

"Or Roy, Marth or Fox," added Jigglypuff hastily.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Dude, Fox, it's Crosser Church, right?" asked Marth, turning round quickly.

"Yeah bro, right here on the map," nodded Fox. "Where'd Roy and Ganon go?"

"Damn!" cursed Marth. "I must have lost 'em when I turned round!"

"I didn't see where they went!" panicked Fox. "This is bad, we lost the good navigators! And this city's so confusing!"

"Damn you, Animal Crossing!" yelled Marth in an 'I'm-a break the fourth wall' fashion. "And your branching out from small towns to large cities at E3!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Now you cretin," smirked Mewtwo, holding his whip. "I think you've earned fifty shackles for every five seconds you whined back at the Road Block!"

"I'm trying to drive!" sobbed Jigglypuff, rubbing her wounds while driving with one hand.

"Fifty-one!" raged Mewtwo threatingly.

"But-"

"FIVE MILLION!" bellowed Mewtwo, taking out a second whip.

"Not like this, Mewtwo! Not like this!" cried Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo cackled evilly and whipped her mercilessly.

"You will understand how difficult the Road Block was!" raged Mewtwo in between whips.

"I'm so-ho-sorry!" whimpered Jigglypuff, trying to drive and fight pain at the same time.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Arr, we be exactly here on the map," Roy showed Ganondorf. "And the charrch be here!"

"Nice routine, Roy," smiled Ganondorf. "Like, if we stay supportive like this, we'll totally win the race!"

"Arr, I hope so," nodded Roy. "Tharr be a shorter road, but it's narrowarr, don't take it."

Ganondorf nodded, and steered into the main road.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Dude, I'm pullin' over, need to ask for directions," said Marth, getting out of the bus.

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff passed Marth and Fox.

"Take your time bro, don't worry," assured Fox, watching Marth.

"'ey, you!" called Marth. KK Slider, who was sitting on a box nearby, looked up. "Dude, how do we get to Crosser Church?"

KK Slider put away his crack pipe, and waved his arm around vaguely in a circle.

"That way, maaaaan..." coughed KK Slider, stoned.

"O...kay...how far is it?" asked Marth.

"A little bit far...like, totally far out, man..." grinned KK Slider. Suddenly, he fell asleep.

"Dammit!" cursed Marth, getting back in the bus.

"The Pokemon passed us, bro," said Fox worriedly.

"That dude was no help!" said Marth angrily. "Now we've moved down to last, and we've got no idea where to go!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Mewtwo whipped Jigglypuff once again, and she took the shorter road Roy and Ganondorf passed.

"Look, you fool!" called Mewtwo. "A race arrow pointing us to Crosser Church!"

"Yay!" choked Jigglypuff through her tears, heading down the arrow's road.

"And we've passed the other two teams!" laughed Mewtwo evilly, looking back at Roy and Ganondorf's bus behind them.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Like, I see an arrow!" noticed Ganondorf. "Roy, should I follow it?"

"Arr, ye should," replied Roy. "But who's in the bus ahead of us, n'yarrgh?"

"I don't know..." mused Ganondorf.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I can only detect Roy and Ganondorf," said Mewtwo. "Hopefully the fraternity brothers have gotten lost!"

"Did you say Roy and Ganondorf?" raged Jigglypuff. She suddenly revved up the bus and speeded down the roads.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Maybe this is the road, bro," suggested Fox, shrugging.

Marth drove around one of the many interconnecting roads, and ended up at a road works site.

"Dude, this isn't where we should be," worried Marth. "We might be out of it!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Jigglypuff, don't you dare try anything foolish!" ordered Mewtwo, gripping the seat behind him very tightly.

"I! WILL! NOT! LOSE! TO! GANONDORF!" shouted Jigglypuff, putting a brick on the pedal.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Dude, let's turn around," said Marth, turning the bus. "Let's just get back on the main road."

"I hear you bro," sighed Fox, shaking his head.

"This sucks man, we haven't even made too many mistakes before these last two legs," sighed Marth.

"Look, here's an arrow to Crosser Church, bro," noticed Fox, gloomily pointing out of the window.

_Crosser Church_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"We're running this, Mewtwo, this is a footrace!" cheered Jigglypuff. "And I'm gonna own Ganondorf!"

"Just get ready," snapped Mewtwo.

_Roy and Ganondorf_

"Out of the bus!" cried Ganondorf. "Like, hurry!"

Roy leaped out of the window, and began sprinting.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"I see Crazy Hand!" bellowed Mewtwo, sprinting. He saw Roy out of the corner of his eye. "Damn! Jigs, where are you?!"

_Roy and Ganondorf_

Roy squeezed his eyes shut in disappointment, seeing Mewtwo land on the mat in front of Crazy Hand.

"Wait, wharr be Jigglypuff?" Roy asked himself. "That be strange, eh Ganondorf?"

...

"Crap..."

Roy looked behind him, and saw Jigglypuff and Ganondorf locked in an epic struggle.

"Like, stop moving so I can hit you!" squealed Ganondorf, trying to hit Jigglypuff.

"You're just mad 'cause I'm twice the woman you'll ever be!" taunted Jigglypuff, floating around Ganondorf. She got caught by one of Ganondorf's lunges, and fell to the ground.

"Roy, I'm coming!" panted Ganondorf, running.

Jigglypuff performed a Rollout, and hit Ganondorf in the back of the legs.

"OWWW!" screamed Ganondorf. "Cheap shot!"

"Mewtwo, I'm coming!" panted Jigglypuff, running.

Ganondorf jumped through the air and landed on Jigglypuff. He threw her into a confession hall, and sprinted again.

Jigglypuff picked up a goblet of holy water and poured it on Ganondorf's eyes. Ganondorf clutched his face and screamed as Jigglypuff made her way to the mat.

"Arr, use the good book!" cried Roy, throwing a bible to Ganondorf.

Ganondorf smacked Jigglypuff with the Bible, but Jigglypuff picked up a cross and began hitting Ganondorf with it.

Roy sighed, grabbed Ganondorf's cape, and pulled him straight backwards onto the mat.

"Roy and Ganondorf, you're the first team to arrive!" smiled Crazy Hand.

Roy and Ganondorf exchanged excited glances.

"However, this leg is not over! You're still racing, here's your next clue!" smiled Crazy Hand, handing them the clue.

Enraged, Mewtwo grabbed Jigglypuff with his mind and slammed her into the mat.

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you're the second team to arrive," said Crazy Hand. "However, this leg is not over, you're still racing, here's your next clue!"

Crazy Hand gave Mewtwo the clue.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Fly to North Smashville..." read Ganondorf.

"_Teams must now fly from South to North Smashville and make their way to Porter's Railway!" said Crazy Hand from a few feet away. "Once there, they will find their next clue!"_

"Arr, we really made it this farrr!" cheered Roy. "First place, last half of the final leg, n'yarrgh!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Can you still find the airport on the map?" asked Jigglypuff nervously, getting back in the bus.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Man, this is definitely a new low for us," groaned Fox, exhausted.

"No kidding dude," nodded Marth. "This sucks...good thing we've still got the rest of the leg..."

"What?" asked Fox.

Marth beamed and held up the clue. "It says we have to find Crazy Hand dude, nothing about ending the leg!"

Rejuvenated, Marth and Fox parked the bus in front of the church and sprinted in.

"There he is!" pointed Fox.

The frats stepped onto the mat.

"Marth and Fox, you're the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand. "However, this leg is still not over, you're still racing, here's your next clue!"

"Really?" asked Marth in mock surprise. "You mean we're not eliminated, dude?"

"I thought the end was near!" grinned Fox.

"We'll be there at the finish line to cheer on the final two with all the other eliminated teams, dude," chuckled Marth, taking the clue.

"Okay guys, enough schtick, just take the clue," said Crazy Hand impatiently.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Seeing as booking flights over the phone worked so well in the first half of the leg," said Mewtwo. "I think we should go to a hotel and use their phone."

"Um, oka-"

"I'M NOT ASKING YOU, I'M TELLING YOU!" bellowed Mewtwo, kicking Jigglypuff in the face.

Mewtwo stormed into a nearby hotel.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

"It's showtime, man," noted Fox. "Last half of the last leg, time to kick it into overdrive!"

"We gotta fly to North Smashville now, dude," read Marth. "We'll catch the others at the airport, with any luck!"

"Whoa, Smashville must be huge if you need to fly from the south to the north!" gasped Fox.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Right," said Mewtwo, writing down the flight details. "So you're telling me it's fastest to go through West Smashville..."

"How big is Smashville, anyway?" asked Jigglypuff, her eyes widening.

"SHUT UP I'M ON THE PHONE!" bellowed Mewtwo, shooting Jigglypuff and drinking her blood.

...

"No, no, not _you,_" said Mewtwo, on the phone. He hung up.

"Okay, we've got a lead on a West Smashville flight," said Mewtwo. "Come on."

Jigglypuff was dead.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf ran into the airport.

"Arr, we be the only ones here," noticed Roy. "Should we just sleep at tharr counter?"

"Like, okay," shrugged Ganondorf. He fell asleep, and Roy joined him after taking out his glass eye.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

The Pokemon sprinted into the airport, waking Roy and Ganondorf up instantly.

"Jigglypuff, get over to that phone!" bellowed Mewtwo while running. "I'll get rid of all the stuff we don't need!"

Jigglypuff waddled over to a phone and starting talking about West Smashville, while Mewtwo used his mind to destroy several of his guns.

"We can't be carrying too much weight!" Mewtwo screamed at her. "We need to be as fast and light as possible!"

"So what about the flight from South to West Smashville?" asked Jigglypuff frantically, with one hand over the phone.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

The frats arrived, right as the ticket counter behind Roy and Ganondorf opened.

"Go to a different counter, dude!" cried Marth. "We can't wait around in queues anymore!"

"Get me your fastest flight to North Smashville, man! Pronto!" said Fox quickly to the ticket agent.

"Um, our fastest route is full, would you like to be put on the standby list?" asked the ticket agent.

"NO TIME!" bellowed Fox, a vein throbbing in his temple. "Just put us on the one after that!"

"Dude, this is intense!" said Marth, nervously looking over at the others.

"Are you sure?" asked the ticket agent. "Because it's pretty easy to get on the flight through standby..."

"FINE!" cried Fox.

"Just do it, dude!" yelled Marth.

"Okay, you're on the fastest route with everyone else!" whimpered the ticket agent.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Arr, thank ye," smiled Roy, shaking the ticket agent's hand.

"Good thing we like, got on standby!" grinned Ganondorf.

A scream echoed from the distance, getting louder and louder...

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mewtwo threw the screaming Jigglypuff at Ganondorf, threw Roy away with his mind, and held a gun to the ticket agent. All at once. Cause he's just that damn cool.

"PUTMEONTHESTANDBYLIST!" screamed Mewtwo as fast as he could, at the top of his voice.

"Okay, okay!" whimpered the ticket agent. "You're on!"

"Excellent. Jigglypuff, where do we go once we're in North Smashville?" asked Mewtwo. "Check the clue!"

"You had it," replied Jigglypuff.

"Wha-no, I did not!" raged Mewtwo.

"Wasn't in amongst all the guns that you threw away so we could be lighter and faster?" asked Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo's eyes widened.

"I'll go get the frat boys to tell me where to go!" smiled Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo looked over at the frats.

"But they're dullards!" bellowed Mewtwo. "They've most likely lost all their clues by now!"

"Well, then I'll ask Roy!" beamed Jigglypuff.

"No, because to get to Roy, you have to get past Ganondorf," pointed out Mewtwo.

"I HATE GANONDORF," bellowed Jigglypuff, at the mention of her nemesis' name.

"It's your fault Roy and Ganondorf hate us!" shouted Mewtwo.

"You're the one who lost our clue!" sobbed Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo strangled Jigglypuff angrily.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Embarrassments_

"Arr, so, ye confident?" checked Roy.

"Like, totally!" smiled Ganondorf. "I'm ready to win me a race!"

Jigglypuff walked over, looking troubled. Ganondorf jumped out of his seat at once.

"No, no, I'm not here for any of that," said Jigglypuff in a resigned tone. "Listen guys, we kind of...lost our clue...cause Mewtwo got rid of most of our stuff..."

"Arr, I don't believe ye," scoffed Roy. "Nobody be stupid enough to do that."

"Listen you," snarled Mewtwo, teleporting directly on top of Roy. "You give me the details withheld in your clue or I'll see to it that everyone in the kingdom of Pharae dies horribly in a psychic explosion the likes of which no **mortal has ever seen**."

"Like, why would we help _you_?" asked a disgusted Ganondorf.

"I'll destroy you all!" screamed Mewtwo in a demented manner, storming off.

Jigglypuff followed, looking depressed.

"Wow, they must like, really be screwed," noticed Ganondorf, shocked.

"Arr, ye be handling thar situation varrry maturely," remarked Roy with a small chuckle. "I be impressed, matey!"

Ganondorf burst out laughing, pointing at Jigglypuff. "We're gonna pound 'em into the freaking ground!" he laughed.

"Spoke too soon," smiled Roy ruefully, patting Ganondorf on the shoulder.

_Marth and Fox  
__Fraternity Brothers_

"Dude, Jigs is comin' over," noticed Marth, pointing.

"What d'you think she wants?" asked Fox nervously. "And why's Mewtwo ripping apart innocent bystanders?"

Marth stared at Fox.

"Yeah..." sighed Fox. "Man, that sounded like a better question before I said it."

"Fox, Marth, Mewtwo and I have kind of...sort of...in a way...uh...lost our clue..." said Jigglypuff timidly.

Marth and Fox stared at each other in disbelief.

"Jigs, you mean the treasure from the Road Block?" asked Marth.

"No, the normal clue," replied Jigglypuff, embarrassed. "Can we get the details from you guys?"

"Uh, give us a minute, man," said Fox, pulling Marth aside. "Bro, Marth, should we do it?"

Marth bit his lip and looked at Mewtwo, who was drinking the blood of the innocent locals.

"I say no," added Fox hurriedly.

"No way dude, it's their screw up," nodded Marth. "Besides, they wouldn't do it for us if we were stupid enough to do that."

"We just need to break the news to 'em, bro," said Fox.

"Not it!" said Marth hastily.

"Son of a – fine, I'll do it," sighed Fox. They returned to Jigglypuff, who had now been joined by an irate Mewtwo.

"Well?" asked Jigglypuff politely.

"Surrender your information...dullards..." hissed Mewtwo in a low tone.

"We-we're not giving it up," replied Fox, trying to avert his gaze from Mewtwo.

"You **will **perish, fools!" raged Mewtwo at once. "Do not think you've defeated the great Mewtwo yet! We will rise again, and we will destroy you in our quest to cross the finish line!"

"You destroyed all our stuff except our worthless treasure!" cried Jigglypuff. "We can't even use that cause we don't know where to go next!"

"I hope you dullard _fraternity brothers_," spat Mewtwo, glaring from Marth to Fox and back again, "feel pretty damn happy with yourselves."

"We do, dude," smirked Marth confidently.

Mewtwo gave the frats one last cold glare, and dragged Jigglypuff away.

"We better beat them, dude," said Marth, shaking his head in disgust. "Even if it's the schizos that win and we place second ahead of 'em. I don't care, as long as they go down."

Fox nodded, scared stiff.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Psychic/Puffball Team #1_

"Those damn fraternity brothers..." scowled Mewtwo. "I thought they liked you enough to help you out!"

"I'm still friends with them!" protested Jigglypuff. "Maybe they just don't like you!"

Mewtwo stabbed Jigglypuff with a gun. Yeah.

"I'm going to demand it from Roy and Ganondorf again," grunted Mewtwo. "I'll just hypnotise them!"

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Embarrassments_

"Arr, damn, here be Mewtwo back," sighed Roy, annoyed.

Mewtwo pushed Roy up against the wall and held a gun to his forehead. Jigglypuff kicked Ganondorf in the back of the knee and forced him to the ground.

"I **demand** that you surrender information concerning our next location!" bellowed Mewtwo. "Right now!"

"Why should I?" asked Roy defiantly.

"Like, why don't you just follow everyone else when we get to North Smashville?" asked Ganondorf.

"I've been reduced to this!" mourned Mewtwo, throwing Roy aside. "Jigglypuff, we shall just have to follow the other two teams! All the way to the end!"

"_All three teams are flying on the same flight to West Smashville!" said Crazy Hand. "Once there, they must fly to North Smashville and find Porter's Railway to find their next clue!"_

_1__st__ Flight to West Smashville_

"I can't believe this," lamented Mewtwo on the plane. "We screwed up this late, and now it's nearly impossible for us to continue..."

Jigglypuff wasn't paying attention.

"I mean, we could get some guide books or something and look for familiar names..." continued Mewtwo.

Jigglypuff wasn't paying attention because she wasn't there.

"I'll kill you!" screamed Jigglypuff, rolling past with Ganondorf in yet another fist fight.

Mewtwo sighed, and watched them miserably.

_2:00pm  
__West Smashville _

The plane landed, and the three teams ran out frantically.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Psychic/Puffball Team #1_

"In here," commanded Mewtwo, dragging Jigglypuff into the gift shop.

"Uh, are we doing that thing you said on the plane when I wasn't listening?" asked Jigglypuff.

"Precisely," replied Mewtwo. "Now shut the hell up and look through tourist information pamphlets with me."

The Pokemon frantically looked through everything in the shop.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Embarrassments_

"Arr, frats, can I talk to ye?" asked Roy, beckoning over Marth and Fox.

"Sure dude, what is it?" asked Marth.

"I think we have to do something about yarr Pokarrmans," said Roy urgently.

"Bro, it's too late for-" began Fox.

"Arr, no, I be not talking about alliances or anything," interjected Roy. "But they arrrr gonna be followin' us when we get to North Smashville, right?"

The frats nodded.

"Like, we think maybe we should try mess up Mewtwo's mind," said Ganondorf. "Maybe if we all like, think really hard, he'll break down and he'll forget how to follow people!"

Marth and Fox blinked.

"Dude, that's the dumbest idea we've ever heard!" laughed Marth.

"Thanks for the laughs, man!" chuckled Fox. "Wow, first we realise how evil Mewtwo can get, then we realise you two are freakin' dorks!"

The frats laughed and walked away.

"Arr, mutiny," sighed Roy.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Psychic/Puffball Team #1_

"Nothing," growled Mewtwo, angrily throwing down his last pamphlet.

"Smashville Port..." mused Jigglypuff. "Port...port...port..er? Porter?"

"What do you think you're doing?" raged Mewtwo.

"We're about to get on a plane..." continued Jigglypuff, thinking. It looked painful. "Plane...prain...train...rail...way...Railway! Porter's Railway! That's where we have to go!"

"Are you sure?" asked Mewtwo, surprised.

"Yes!" replied Jigglypuff. "I remember now!"

"We're back in it!" grinned Mewtwo evilly. "Let's go rub it in to the other teams!"

The Pokemon strutted up to the flight gate, where the other two teams were waiting.

"We're back in the race," sneered Mewtwo. "Get ready to be dominated as we arrive on the finish line first for redemption."

"Arr, whatever ye say," sighed Roy, rolling his eyes.

"Mewtwo, don't you think you could be a little nicer?" asked Jigglypuff.

"Don't try and change him, Jigs," said Marth stonily, glaring at Mewtwo. "That dude's a freakin' psycho."Mewtwo gave a derogatory chuckle, and strutted off.

"Fox, dude, they're bluffing," said Marth. "I don't believe they just know where to go just like that, they're still going to follow us."

"Agreed, man," nodded Fox.

"Like, should we get going?" asked Ganondorf. "Our flight leaves at 7:30!"

"Dude, what?" replied Marth. "I think you mean 7:20."

Ganondorf showed Marth his ticket.

"Like, are we behind?" gasped Ganondorf.

"You are, man," replied Fox.

"Arr, damn," lamented Roy.

"_All teams are now flying from West Smashville to North Smashville!" said Crazy Hand. "Mewtwo and Jigglypuff and Marth and Fox are on the 7:20pm flight, arriving in North Smashville at 9:35pm! Roy and Ganondorf are on the second flight, arriving at 10pm!" reported Crazy Hand._

"_How big is Smashville, anyway?" asked Master Hand's ghost._

"_You shut your fa-palm," said Crazy Hand firmly._

_9:35pm  
__North Smashville  
__1__st__ Flight Landed _

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff sprinted through the airport, and out to a cab.

"May I please ride inside your cab on this merry day?" asked Jigglypuff inquisitively, blinking cutely.

"You certainly may!" smiled the driver.

Mewtwo crushed his face and stepped into the cab.

"My face!" cried the driver. "The highlight of my head! How could you?"

"With my mind," replied Mewtwo bluntly.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Dude, how far away is Porter's Railway?" asked Marth, getting in the cab.

"Oh, not very far," replied the driver airily. "This is the transport district, see?"

"Great, uh, listen man, there wasn't a purple cat thing and a pink balloon up here with another cab, was there?" asked Fox.

"No, the only pink balloon I saw was with a purple humanoid," said the driver.

"Bro, Mewtwo's a cat," said Fox.

"Humanoid,"

"Cat."

"Most pointless scene ever for us, dude," sighed Marth.

_Porter's Railway_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Alright, we're here," said Mewtwo hastily, ripping open the cab door.

"I think we're still first!" grinned Jigglypuff merrily.

"Silence, cretin!" bellowed Mewtwo. "You'll ruin our winning streak!"

"The leg's not over yet, silly!" smiled Jigglypuff. "So we don't know if we've won yet!"

Mewtwo picked up a train and slapped Jigglypuff with it.

"Drive a train to the Fishing Hole..." read Mewtwo.

"_Teams must now take one of these trains and drive themselves to the North Smashville Fishing Hole!" said Crazy Hand. "It's here where they will find their next clue!"_

"Hurry, the fraternity brothers are right behind us!" alerted Mewtwo.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Train, fishing hole," skim-read Marth. "I'm guessing it's these trains."

"Bro, we should get a move on," warned Fox. "Roy and Ganondorf could show up at any minute!"

_10:05pm  
__2__nd__ Flight Landed_

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Arr, ar flight was delayed fer five minutes because they found a suspicious lurkarr..." sighed Roy.

"I could have like, sworn it was Wario..." mused Ganondorf. "Ah well. Taxi!"

Roy and Ganondorf got into a cab and drove past Wario, who was being shanked by other airport detainees.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Bust out the map again, dude!" called Marth, getting into a train ahead of the Pokemon.

"I hope I can find it, man," panicked Fox, quickly scanning the map with his eye thing.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Jigglypuff hopped on the train, but Mewtwo threw her off and back on again.

"Why?" asked Jigglypuff, rubbing her bruise.

She looked up and saw Mewtwo had brought out his whip again.

"Follow the fraternity brothers..." smiled Mewtwo softly. "Now..."

Jigglypuff gulped.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Dude, the Pokemon better not know where the hole is," sighed Marth, turning a corner.

Fox looked out the window of the train, and saw the Pokemon's train right behind them.

"I don't think that'll be a problem, man," called Fox.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Stay on their tail!" screamed Mewtwo, pummelling Jigglypuff with his whip. "Don't lose them!"

"We're literally right behind them!" cried Jigglypuff, bleeding. "Seriously, there's about an inch separating us! It's actually making us both go slower!"

"ENOUGH OF YOUR NAYSAYING!" roared Mewtwo, crushing Jigglypuff's tail.

"I don't have a tail!" sobbed Jigglypuff, in pain.

"YOU DO NOW!" shouted Mewtwo.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Arr, take a train to the Fishing Hole," read Roy.

"More like, nautical tasks?" asked Ganondorf excitedly. "We could totally go from worst to first again!"

"I be so excited!" cheered Roy, getting in the train.

_Fishing Hole_

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"We're here first, bro," said Fox quickly, jumping off the train.

"Awesome!" cheered Marth. "Wait, what's this sign say?"

"Hours of operation: 8:30am to 10:00pm," read Fox. "Dammit man! They had to wait to the final leg to bust another one of those on us!"

"Sucks, dude," sighed Marth, shaking his head.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Hours of operation?" read Mewtwo. "Alright then, Jigglypuff, I think we should make sure to stay alert!"

"So we're going to just sleep here until morning?" asked Jigglypuff tentatively.

"Half right, imbecile," replied Mewtwo. "I'm going to staple your eyes open, then I can sleep!"

"That's not fair!" protested Jigglypuff.

"Don't worry, I'll staple my eyes open next leg," assured Mewtwo.

"Yay!" cheered Jigglypuff. "Wait..."

_Marth and Fox  
__Fraternity Brothers_

"Just think about it, man," sighed Fox, laying down on the grass at the edge of the fishing hole. "One million dollars..."

"Been thinking about it for a month now, dude," grinned Marth, rubbing his hands together.

"You know, I'm really glad we're still functioning as a team in this late stage of the race!" smiled Fox proudly.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Psychic/Puffball Team #1_

"Okay, so now you're alert," cackled Mewtwo evilly. "I'll be asleep if you need me!"

"Oh, alright then..." sobbed Jigglypuff, both tears and blood pouring from her eyes.

"If you need me I'll kill your family," said Mewtwo bluntly, falling asleep.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Embarrassments_

The last train arrived, and Roy and Ganondorf walked up to the hole.

"Arr, hours of operation, eh?" grinned Roy. "Excellent, we be back in the game!"

"Like, what's been goin' on?" asked Ganondorf.

"Take a look around, dude," chuckled Marth, pointing at the sleeping Mewtwo and the bleeding Jigglypuff.

"Mewtwo's the worst teammate ever!" sobbed Jigglypuff in a quiet tone. "He's been abusing me for the whole race!"

"Did I like, ask you?" snarled Ganondorf.

"Ganondorf, I'm not in the mood for this right now!" sobbed Jigglypuff.

Ganondorf picked up Jigglypuff and punched her.

"Take that, bitch!" said Ganondorf. "Served!"

Jigglypuff choked on her own tears.

Suddenly, Mewtwo woke up.

"Who did this to my teammate?" raged Mewtwo.

"Arr, you," lied Roy. "In yarr sleep."

"Oh," said Mewtwo.

_8:30am_

The teams opened the gate to the fishing hole itself, and ran inside.

"Hey!" called the manager. "You six! You with the TV dealie that's been runnin' around the world? You've got to take these canoes to the next thing!"

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Arr, we be back on top," said Roy quickly, looking behind him.

"Like, we're only ahead by seconds right now," said Ganondorf fearfully. He picked up the piece of treasure. "And I'm totally sick of carrying this thing."

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Damn man, we're always caught behind someone!" said Fox, looking ahead at Roy and Ganondorf.

"Dude, we better watch out, Mewtwo could snap at any point if he's in last!" warned Marth. "Paddle! Paddle!"

The frats paddled as hard as they could away from Mewtwo.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Paddle faster!" barked Mewtwo. "The other two teams are ahead of us!"

"I'm trying!" sobbed Jigglypuff. "But I only have little stumps for arms! I'm sorry!"

"THERE WILL BE NO APOLOGIES!" screamed Mewtwo, drowning Jigglypuff. "We're losing again because of you!"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Due to their fast paddling, the frats passed Roy and Ganondorf and took the clue on the edge of the fishing hole.

"Gotta be another task by now, man," said Fox.

"Dude, nope," sighed Marth, shaking his head. "Drive to Nookington's, and find Tom Nook to get your next clue!"

"_Teams must now drive fifty miles to Nookington's, the conglomerate shopping chain owned and run by Tom Nook, who they must find to receive their next clue!" said Crazy Hand, in case you just ignored Marth's dialogue._

"Alright, let's head, bro," said Fox urgently.

Marth and Fox canoed back to the shore, and got into a marked car.

"We just gotta keep hurrying, dude," said Marth. "Excitement and adrenaline...we're in our element!"

"Man, you can say that again," grinned Fox, driving.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Arr, drive to Nookington's," read Roy.

"We like, better beat those damn Pokemon!" said Ganondorf, casting a disgusted look at Jigglypuff.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Drive to Nookington's, and find Tom Nook to get your next clue!" read Mewtwo.

"Roy and Ganondorf are already away!" cried Jigglypuff, pointing at the second marked car driving away.

_Nookington's_

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Where's Tom Nook, dude?" asked Marth, tearing into the store.

"Can't find him!" cried Fox.

"Well hello boys!" smiled Tom Nook merrily. "I've been waiting for people from that raceamajig!"

"You have a clue, give it," said Fox hastily.

"Well here you go, young man!" laughed Tom Nook merrily, handing Fox the clue. He handed Marth a golden shovel. "You'll need this too!"

Fox opened the clue. "Take your treasure to the roof of Nookington's..."

"_Teams must now bring both their golden shovel, and the piece of treasure they collected at the Road Block, and take it to the roof of Nookington's!" said Crazy Hand. "Up there, they will find their next clue!"_

"Dude, this race sure is startin' to drag on," sighed Marth. "Let's go!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Ha! Just passed Roy and Ganondorf!" cackled Mewtwo evilly.

"Because you installed a treadmill in the engine?" asked Jigglypuff, covered in sweat and oil.

"Shut up, we're here," barked Mewtwo. He threw Jigglypuff out of the window, and barged up to Tom Nook.

"Here's your clue, and your shovel!" smiled Tom Nook. Guess how he smiled? Merrily.

"Up to the roof, huh?" asked Mewtwo, reading the clue quickly.

"Let me guess, you're going to throw me off?" asked Jigglypuff, annoyed.

Mewtwo did something obscenely violent to Jigglypuff with the shovel.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Like, I can't believe how quickly we fell back down to last!" pouted Ganondorf.

"Arr, we'll make it back up," promised Roy, picking up the shovel. "Get ye clue."

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"We stopped in the Nookington's Subway, and we lost five pounds eating there, man!" grinned Fox, staring directly at the camera.

"Dude, these sandwiches sure are fresh!" grinned Marth, staring directly at the camera. "They were made right in front of us!"

Marth and Fox were disqualified for product placement.

...

Psyche.

The frats finished their sandwiches, and walked up a stairway to the roof.

Marth pulled out the clue. "Dude, finally, second Road Block!"

"_A Road Block is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" said Crazy Hand._

"_No it isn't," replied Master Hand's ghost._

"_Fork you!" screamed Crazy Hand. "Fine, only one person can do it! In this Road Block, that person must pick one of these three safes, and crack the four digit combination! If the treasure in the safe matches the treasure they picked up at the first Road Block, they will get their next clue!"_

"Dude, you did part one, I'll do this," said Marth.

"Sounds good," agreed Fox. "Get to it!"

Marth ran up to the safe on the far left and entered '8425' at random.

The safe opened.

"That was easy!" smirked Marth. "Oh, no...wait..."

Marth looked at the treasure in his hand. "Wrong treasure..."

Marth moved onto the middle one, and entered '5739'.

Wrong.

"Damn, dude!" cursed Marth. "The others are gonna show up any minute! Okay, uh, the other one started with 8, so this one can't...uh...seven and three clicked, that must mean they're in it somewhere..."

"Hurry, man!" called Fox.

"Uh, I'll try switchin' them..." muttered Marth. "Blank three seven blank...nope..."

Fox nervously glanced downstairs. Nobody there.

"Further apart?" wondered Marth. "Three blank blank seven?"

The three and the seven clicked firmly in place, indicating they were both correct.

"Awesome, dude!" cheered Marth. "Just got to guess these middle ones! Uh, three zero blank seven?"

Incorrect.

"Uh, I'll just move one up, I guess," decided Marth. "Three one zero seven?"

The '1' clicked in place.

"That was fast!" grinned Marth. "Okay, same thing again! Three one zero seven?"

The '0' clicked in place, and with the full code '3107' activated, the safe door swung open, revealing the same type of treasure Marth had.

"Yes!" cheered Marth. "Come on, finish line clue!"

Marth took the clue envelope out of the safe, ran over to Fox and opened the clue. His face fell immediately.

"It's not over?" asked Fox.

"Nope," sighed Marth. "Fly to Central Smashville, the final destination of the race!"

"_Teams must now fly to Central Smashville, the final destination city!" repeated Crazy Hand. "Once there, they must drive to the home of the Super Smash Brothers: the Smash Mansion to find their next clue!"_

"Dude, let's take off quickly!" panicked Marth. "Screw the stairs, just use this elevator!"

Fox jumped down the elevator shaft.

"Um..."

Marth shrugged and jumped down after him.

The frats ran to their car, and drove off in search of the airport.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff sprinted up the stairs, and ran up to the clue box.

"Road Block!" read Jigglypuff.

"I'm doing it, the hell with you," said Mewtwo at once, floating over to the rightmost safe.

Mewtwo tried to rip open the safe with his mind. Nothing happened.

"You need to crack the combination!" cried Jigglypuff.

"What combination?" snapped Mewtwo. "Where?"

Jigglypuff pointed at the keypad.

"How dare you direct me?" yelled Mewtwo incredulously. "I should kill you right here right now!"

"Please, no!" whined Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo turned back to the keypad, and hammered in '1234'.

Incorrect, but the '3' clicked in place.

"What does that mean, blank blank three blank?" Mewtwo asked himself.

"Yeah, I think so!" called Jigglypuff.

"I thought I told you to **shut up or I'll kill you**," snarled Mewtwo.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Arr, I think Mewtwo's aborrrt to flip again," sighed Roy, walking up the stairs.

"Like, I just hope he takes Jigglypuff down with him," snarled Ganondorf, giving Jigglypuff a scathing look.

_Mewtwo  
__On Road Block_

"The first blank is clearly –" Mewtwo placed a hand on the safe and closed his eyes – "Nine!"

Incorrect.

"Dammit! Eight!"

Incorrect.

"Please Mewtwo, try to stay calm, but Roy and Ganondorf are here!" called Jigglypuff, panicking.

Mewtwo, enraged, span around on one foot and pointed at Jigglypuff.

Jigglypuff burst into a column of flames.

"SEVEN!" screamed Mewtwo, working on the first blank.

Incorrect.

"SIX!"

Incorrect.

"CURSE THIS RACE!" screamed Mewtwo. "CURSE IT AND ALL ITS TREACHERY!"

...

"Five!"

Incorrect.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Like, it's a Road Block!" read Ganondorf.

"Arr, there be a second one?" asked Roy. "I'll do this, I guess, n'yarrgh..."

_Mewtwo  
__On Road Block_

"FOUR!"

Incorrect.

_Roy  
__On Road Block_

"Arr, somebody's tried our safe," noticed Roy, running up to the safe on the left.

"Did like, the combination thingie reset?" asked Ganondorf.

"Yarr, looks like it," sighed Roy. "Arr, when be Crazy Hand's birthday again? Maybe that's a combo arr somethin',"

Ganondorf pulled out her-erm, his laptop and went to Wikipedia.

"Like, you know this site's accurate, because anyone on the internet can edit it!" smiled Ganondorf cheesily at the camera.

Ganondorf opened Crazy Hand's page. "Okay, like, um, 8th April...1925?! I had no idea he was like, so old! Eww!"

While Ganondorf continued his disbelieving rant, Roy keyed in '4825'.

Incorrect.

_Mewtwo  
__On Road Block_

"ONE!" bellowed Mewtwo, after failing with '2' and '3'.

The '1' key clicked in place, and Mewtwo moved on to the second blank.

"Nine!"

Incorrect.

_Roy  
__On Road Block_

"Roy!" called Ganondorf. "Try like, switching the month and date!"

"Arr, worth a shot," said Roy, turning back to his safe.

_Mewtwo  
__On Road Block_

"I swear, if I get this wrong I'm going to **kill Crazy Hand for designing such a task**," raged Mewtwo, failing with '8'. "Seven!"

Incorrect.

"Um, maybe it's one of the numbers you've already used!" suggested Jigglypuff. "Maybe you can use them twice!"

"That's a stupid idea, and I hate you!" bellowed Mewtwo.

_Roy  
__On Road Block_

Roy changed the first blank to an '8'.

Correct.

_Mewtwo  
__On Road Block_

Mewtwo looked over at Roy's safe in disbelief.

"If this is right, I'll hate myself forever," sighed Mewtwo breathlessly, changing the second blank to a '3'.

Correct.

"See, I was right!" beamed Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo muttered something into a hidden microphone, and a space station landed directly on Jigglypuff.

_Roy  
__On Road Block_

Roy changed the second blank to a '4'.

Correct. The safe swung open.

"Arr, this better be the right treasarr," muttered Roy, nervously looking at Mewtwo's safe.

_Mewtwo  
__On Road Block_

"Okay, so I have one three three blank..." said Mewtwo.

Jigglypuff climbed out of the wreckage.

"So what goes with '133'?" asked Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo's eyes snapped open.

"Crazy Hand, you've got to be freaking kidding me," muttered Mewtwo, turning back to the safe.

_Roy  
__On Road Block_

Roy turned back to his safe, and saw that it was the correct treasure.

"Arr, it be okay! I got the right safe!" grinned Roy, taking the clue.

He ran back to Ganondorf, and opened the clue.

"Arr, it be our final destination now!" beamed Roy.

"Quick, like, let's go to the airport!" urged Ganondorf. "We may even catch up to like, the frat boys!"

_Mewtwo  
__On Road Block_

"Seven," said Mewtwo calmly to himself, entering '7' in the last blank.

Correct. The safe swung open at last.

"I can't believe it was '1337' all along!" smiled Jigglypuff. "What are the odds, huh?"

Mewtwo broke Jigglypuff's neck before realising she doesn't have one.

"Final destination up next," read Mewtwo. "We better catch up. Or else."

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Arr, excuse me?" asked Roy, pulling over next to a local. "Have you seen a blue-haired guy and a fox drive past in a hurry?"

"Yeah, they went that way," nodded the local, pointing in the opposite direction.

"Like, uh-oh," gasped Ganondorf.

"But, uh, which way's tharr airport?" asked Roy.

"This way," said the local simply, pointing in the direction Roy and Ganondorf's car was heading.

"Whoa," breathed Ganondorf, relieved. "That would like, make us, um..."

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"...yeah, that."

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"This is the final destination city," Mewtwo told the camera. "So Jigglypuff and I are going to have to turn it up five hundred percent!"

"Really?" asked Jigglypuff from the driver's seat.

Mewtwo took out five whips, held one in each hand and foot with the last one floating in front of his head, and whipped Jigglypuff fivefold.

"I'll go faster!" sobbed Jigglypuff. "Please! No more!"

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"I totally can't believe Marth and Fox went like, the wrong way!" gasped Ganondorf. "Why d'you think they went and did that?"

"Arr, they be gettin' hasty!" grinned Roy. "This be great! If those lubbers make mistakes like that, and we stay ahead of the Pokarrrmen, we're sure to win!"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Dude, uh, you think we're doing the right thing?" asked Marth worriedly, looking around at the surroundings.

"Look for a road sign or something, man," said Fox, getting out the map.

"Uh, we're coming up to Brewster's Roost," replied Marth, looking up at a sign.

Fox lowered the map, shocked. "Bro, we're...um, we're goin' the wrong way."

Marth hit the car brakes extremely hard all of a sudden, and turned sharply in his seat. "Dude, _what!?_ The wrong way? Are you sure?"

Wordlessly, Fox held up the map and showed Marth.

"Aww, we messed up bigtime!" panicked Marth, realising that Fox was correct.

"Man, we're gonna have to turn around," groaned Fox.

Marth turned the car around in the middle of the highway, and drove off at double the speed limit.

"What the hell?" asked Fox, winded from the sharp U-turn.

"Oh, sorry dude," said Marth. "I'll go faster."

Marth dropped a brick on the gas pedal.

_North Smashville Airport_

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Arr, what be your fastest flight to Central Smashville?" asked Roy, running to the nearest ticket agent.

"We have a flight leaving soon, arrives in Central Smashville at nine in the morning," replied the ticket agent.

"Like, let's get it,"said Ganondorf.

"Yarr, we'll take it," said Roy hurriedly. "Now duck!"

"What?" asked the ticket agent, but Roy quickly forced his head down as a stream of bullets flew over the three of them.

"Die, die, die!" roared Mewtwo's voice from a distance.

"You just blew up the entire top floor!" gasped Jigglypuff's voice.

The Pokemon ran into the airport, and found Roy, Ganondorf and the ticket agent.

"Get me their flight," said Mewtwo, holding his gun to the agent.

The ticket agent sobbed and handed tickets to everyone.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Bro, do you think we can get to the airport in time?" asked Fox, as they sped through traffic and people.

"Dude, I hope so!" cried Marth, wiping pedestrian blood off of the windscreen. "Wait! I think I know a shortcut!"

Marth veered off of the road, and up a steep cliff overlooking...

_North Smashville Airport_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"Now that the fraternity brothers are out of the running," smirked Mewtwo evilly. "We only have to worry about the schizos."

"Um, Mewtwo?" asked Jigglypuff. "Can you hear something?"

"What?" snapped Mewtwo.

"It's kind of like...a roaring sound...like an engine or something..." muttered Jigglypuff, her ears twitching.

"Hmm, I also detect voices," mused Mewtwo.

"No! Stop!"

"I'm goin' for it!"

Without warning, Marth and Fox's car flew through the air and crashed through the window of the airport, skidding across the floor and crashing into the wall. Immediately, the engine ignited and set the whole car on fire. The frats got out, battered and bruised.

"Dammit!" screamed Mewtwo, enraged.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in Last Place_

"We'll have...what they're on..." choked Marth, covered in sweat and motor oil.

"I can't believe we did that, man," groaned Fox, fixing his dislocated shoulder, back, and face.

_Roy and Ganondorf_

Roy and Ganondorf walked into the room clutching coffees to see the burning remains of Marth and Fox's car against the wall, several shocked airport workers, the frats filthy, bleeding and partially on fire, Jigglypuff looking thoroughly confused, and a vein on Mewtwo's forehead the size of a small puppy.

"Arr, how long were we gone?" asked Roy, bewildered.

"Like, why didn't we hear any of this going on?" wondered Ganondorf.

Mewtwo gave a hysterical yell and threw Jigglypuff at Marth; he ducked and the balloon Pokemon hit Ganondorf in the face. Another catfight ensued.

"Every airport," snarled Mewtwo, looking down at the catfight in disgust. Roy nodded sympathetically, and the frats nodded excitedly.

"_All three_ _teams are now flying to Central Smashville, their final destination city!" said Crazy Hand._

_1__st __Flight_

"Arr, it be anyone's race as soon as we leave the arrport," Roy told the camera grimly.

"If we're not first out of the airport, we could be screwed forever, man," Fox told his camera grimly.

"Nobody can stop me now!" cackled Mewtwo evilly to his camera. "The race will be mine!"

_Central Smashville  
__1st Flight Landed_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Mewtwo sprinted out of the airport first, and summoned Jigglypuff.

"You, there!" bellowed Mewtwo, pointing at an innocent bystander who was getting out of his car. "Drive us to the Smash Mansion! We're Super Smash Brothers!"

"Uh, you guys want a real cab," said the guy hesitantly.

"You will take me there, or I will videotape your disembowelment, sell copies on eBay, and alter the signals on your wife's television so that all she sees is your death," threatened Mewtwo.

"I can't, I gotta catch a flight for a business trip!" protested the guy.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Like, what's Mewtwo doing?" asked Ganondorf.

"Yarr, I don't know, but I wondarr why he needs a video camera..." wondered Roy.

"Oh well," shrugged Ganondorf, getting into their cab.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Mewtwo videotaped the innocent bystander's disembowelment, sold copies on eBay, and altered the signals on his wife's television so that all she saw was his death.

"Um, the schizos are leaving," said Jigglypuff, tugging on Mewtwo's leg.

"**WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?!"** raged Mewtwo.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"So, where you two headed?" asked the taxi driver.

"Yarr, we be goin' to the Smash Mansion," replied Roy.

"The what?" asked the taxi driver.

"Like, we'll show you where to go," said Ganondorf, getting out his map.

"Don't ye think he should know?" whispered Roy to Ganondorf. "Weird..."

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Dude, I wonder why Mewtwo's not even getting in a cab," wondered Marth, getting into his own cab.

"Beats me, bro," shrugged Fox. "Now c'mon, before he remembers he's last."

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Get me a cab!" yelled Mewtwo.

"I can't! I'm just an innocent bystander!" whined the same guy from before.

Mewtwo jammed his thumb in the guy's eye.

"Please, we're in a race!" pleaded Jigglypuff. "Can you tell us where we can find a cab, please?"

"I don't know, I always drive by myself!" replied the guy.

Mewtwo twisted his thumb, grinding it against the guy's eye.

"No! Stop!" cried the guy.

"Already begun," replied Mewtwo harshly, pouring lemon juice in the open wound on the guy's eyeball.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Weird, man," sighed Fox, following Marth into the cab. "Hey, can you take us to the Smash Mansion?"

"Dude, I have a sick feeling that Mewtwo's gonna come back in full force," warned Marth pensively.

"Which is why everything matters right now," agreed Fox.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"Um, Mewtwo, can I tell you something?" asked Jigglypuff, looking at Mewtwo's violent display.

"_What?!_" screamed Mewtwo, drawing a crosshair on the guy's stomach with his own blood.

"I think we've lost the race by wasting this time right here," said Jigglypuff boldly.

"Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time," replied Mewtwo casually, stabbing the crosshair mark with a lawnmower.

"But everyone's ahead of us!" protested Jigglypuff.

"Okay! Okay!" cried the guy, now with one eye, no internal organs, and a freshly mown pancreas. "I'll go call the taxi company!"

He limped away.

"What if the taxi guys can't send us a taxi?" asked Jigglypuff fearfully.

"Then I'll kill you," replied Mewtwo. "Slowly. And agonisingly."

The guy limped back, and by the time he got there a taxi pulled up to the Pokemon.

"Take us to the Smash Mansion!" demanded Mewtwo at once.

"We live there," explained Jigglypuff.

"She does, I was kicked out," added Mewtwo.

"It's a funny story, really," chuckled Jigglypuff.

"Killing Pichu and drinking his blood was worth it," nodded Mewtwo.

"That didn't happen," replied Jigglypuff. "He died two weeks ago when we were in space."

The taxi driver was asleep.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Arrkay, farrward, farrward...keep goin'..." sighed Roy, leaning over the cab driver's shoulders.

"I can't believe this is like, actually working," noted Ganondorf, looking behind them.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"The schizos are right in front of us, dude," noticed Marth, looking cautiously at the cab in front.

"What's Roy doing?" asked Fox. "Looks like he's telling the driver where to go..."

"Ha! Their driver sucks!" chuckled Marth.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"We need to catch up," said Mewtwo forcefully. "It's crucial."

"Yeah, I hope we win," agreed Jigglypuff. She then muttered "I haven't seen Paris yet...I can't die..."

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Hang a left, n'yarrgh..." continued Roy.

"And like, step on the gas or something," added Ganondorf nervously.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Right, driver dude, you know where the Mansion is, right?" checked Marth.

"Yes I most certainly do," replied the driver flatly.

"Okay, good," replied Marth. "See, there's a psychic thing and a balloon chasing us, and we need to get there before them at all costs."

"Who knows what schemes they're plotting?" wondered Fox.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

"I'm sending the exact directions to the Smash Mansion's front gates to your mind as we speak," Mewtwo told his driver.

"Thanks for being so co-operative!" smiled Jigglypuff happily.

"You drugged me," grinned the driver, overtly happily.

"At least we learned something from the eliminated teams..." sighed Mewtwo.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"Arr, kay, then you go-" began Roy, but suddenly he felt a piercing pain in his palm.

Roy had stuck his hand in the taxi's ashtray, and it had caught on fire.

"Um, like, pull over," decided Ganondorf.

"Yarr, I'm just gonna sit in the front with you," nodded Roy. "I can't lean ovarr without setting meself on fire..."

Roy and Ganondorf pulled over, and Roy got into the front seat.

The frats passed them immediately.

"Damn!" cursed Ganondorf. "They were right behind us!"

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

"We just pulled ahead of the schizos, dude!" grinned Marth.

"Here's the Mansion!" cheered Fox. "Bro, we're home!"

"I don't see the finish line though..." groaned Marth. They got out of the taxi hastily, and sprinted through the front gates.

"Look! The hedge!" cried Fox. He pointed at the hedges along the side of the main path, one of which was shaped like an arrow pointing to the right.

"Dude, this must be our last clue!" realised Marth. He picked up the clue. "How well do you remember the people you met?"

"Say it more dramatically," said the cameraman.

"I..uh...don't think he has the time for that..." said Fox, bemused.

"We'll get it in editing, then..." sighed the cameraman.

"How well do you remember the people you met?" read Marth, dubbed over with the voice of James Earl Jones.

"_In this __**last task of the race**__, both team members must run inside the Mansion, and find one of three rooms with a race flag!" said Crazy Hand. "In there are a collection of photographs of people from each of the twelve locales the race has visited: Hyrule, Corneria, Johto, Aether, Space Colony ARK, New Pork City, Mushroom Kingdom, Trial City, Shadow Moses Island, Port Town, Planet Hocotate, and Smashville! Teams must match the photographs with the corresponding location! Once teams complete the last task, they will receive their next clue!"_

"Let's roll," said Marth confidently, striding towards the Mansion determinedly.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

Roy and Ganondorf ran through the gates just in time to see the frats disappear into the building, and pulled their clue.

"Arr, last task, I knew it!" grinned Roy triumphantly.

"This is where we like, step it up to full power!" cheered Ganondorf cheesily.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in Last Place_

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff's cab skidded to a halt right in front of the gate, and they picked up the clue.

"Excellent, a memory task," smirked Mewtwo. "We've got this."

"We're gonna win?" asked Jigglypuff excitedly.

_Marth and Fox_

"Dude, fan out!" cried Marth, running into the room. "Look for obvious photos!"

"How about this one?" asked Fox, holding up a photo of the Goron zipline attendant.

"Yeah, put that in Hyrule," nodded Marth.

"How about here in Smashville, bro?" asked Fox. "Who'd we run into here out of these people?"

Marth studied the photos.

"Uh, must be Tom Nook, dude," said Marth, pointing at his photo.

Marth took the photo and put it under Smashville.

_Correct: 2/12_

_Roy and Ganondorf_

"Alright, let's get to it, n'yarrgh..." muttered Roy, entering the second room. "Farrst place be Hyrule!"

"That's like, easy for me!" grinned Ganondorf. "It's the Goron!"

Ganondorf put Kurt under Hyrule.

"If ye be sure that's a Goron," shrugged Roy.

_Correct: 0/12  
__Incorrect: 1/12_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"The Goron would have been in Hyrule," scoffed Mewtwo, tossing the picture onto Hyrule immediately on entering. "Psychic powers, don't fail me now!"

_Correct: 1/12_

_Marth and Fox_

"Corneria was after Hyrule, so that'd be...uh...think of anyone, man?" asked Fox, looking through photos.

"Um, well, we went to a ball-makin' place, dude," remembered Marth. "I remember doing that...could have been in Corneria...what was that guy's name again?"

"Uh..." struggled Fox. "Oh! Kurt!"

Marth and Fox searched the photos, and pulled up Kurt.

"Here he is!" smiled Fox, putting Kurt in Corneria. "Funny though, he's a weird lookin' animal, man."

_Correct: 2/12  
__Incorrect: 1/12_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"I can't find any Cornerians whatsoever!" raged Mewtwo angrily.

"Let's just go to the next one!" urged Jigglypuff. "We might remember later!"

"Alright, we're both Pokemon, Johto's easy," surmised Mewtwo, putting Kurt in Johto.

_Correct: 2/12_

_Roy and Ganondorf_

"Arr, who be Cornerian in here?" asked Roy hurriedly.

"Oh, like, I found Peppy!" grinned Ganondorf, holding up Peppy's photo. He put Peppy under Corneria.

_Correct: 1/12  
__Incorrect: 1/12_

_Marth and Fox_

Marth picked up Peppy's photo, shrugged, and put it in Johto.

"Dude, where were we last leg?" asked Marth. "It feels like so long ago..."

"Bro, I can't remember," sighed Fox. "Under too much pressure...I think it might have been Port Town!"

"Gotcha," nodded Marth.

"And I'm pretty sure Captain Falcon goes there, man," said Fox, putting Captain Falcon in Port Town.

_Correct: 3/12  
__Incorrect: 2/12_

_Roy and Ganondorf_

"Uh, then we went to space," Ganondorf muttered to himself. "So like, that'd be Samus' place?"

"Arr, that was Aetharrr," remembered Roy. "So look for an alien, arr somethin'!"

"We did a Detour with like, electric alien things," said Ganondorf slowly. "And the other one was feeding some other alien...maybe this was it?"

Ganondorf hesitated for a moment, and then put a picture of a Sporb under Aether.

_Correct: 2/12  
__Incorrect: 1/12_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"Aether is the fourth place," said Mewtwo. "And we encountered this creature on our Detour there..."

"Wow, Mewtwo!" grinned Jigglypuff. "With your intelligence and psychic memory, we'll win the race in no time!"

Beaming, Jigglypuff put the Sporb in Aether.

_Correct: 3/12_

_Roy and Ganondorf_

"Then we went deeper into space, like, to some colony," continued Ganondorf. "I remember Pichu and Young Link dying...that was funny..."

"Arr, and everyone did the same Detarr..." added Roy. "It was a Sonic-based location, n'yarrgh...so look for a hedgehog!"

Ganondorf looked around, found Shadow, and put him under Space Colony ARK.

_Correct: 3/12  
__Incorrect: 1/12_

"So, like, we've got Kurt in Hyrule, Peppy in Corneria, Johto's blank, Sporb in Aether, and Shadow in the ARK..." rattled off Ganondorf, counting on his fingers.

_Marth and Fox_

"Okay bro, well Shadow must be that Sonic place we went to," said Fox, putting Shadow in Space Colony ARK.

_Correct: 4/12  
__Incorrect: 2/12_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"Shadow belongs in the ARK," said Mewtwo. "Fetch me his photo, Jigglypuff."

Jigglypuff obeyed, and Mewtwo hit her before placing Shadow in the ARK.

_Correct: 4/12_

_Marth and Fox_

"Okay dude, looks like we have the Goron in Hyrule, Kurt in Corneria, Peppy in Johto, Shadow in the ARK, a bunch of blanks, then Captain Falcon in Port Town and Tom Nook in Smashville," checked Marth. "Let's go for New Pork City!"

"This is the cowboy dude from the Road Block I think, man," said Fox, handing Marth Flint's photo. Marth put him in New Pork City.

"Yeah dude, so this is the Sporb from Aether," remembered Marth, putting the Sporb in Aether.

_Correct: 6/12  
__Incorrect: 2/12_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"Flint is Lucas' father, Lucas lives here," said Mewtwo bluntly, putting Flint in New Pork City.

_Correct: 5/12_

_Marth and Fox_

"Wait, dude, wasn't that colony abandoned?" asked Marth. "It might have had millions of aliens swarming all over it!"

"Good point, bro!" gasped Fox. "I guess Shadow moves to Aether then, seems likely he'd be on a planet!"

Fox switched Shadow and the Sporb, rendering both wrong.

_Correct: 4/12  
__Incorrect: 4/12_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"The Mushroom Kingdom had all those insufferable talking things," spat Mewtwo bitterly at the memory. "Give me a photo with a penguin in it!"

"I remember these guys!" grinned Jigglypuff, holding up a group shot of Mike the penguin, Frank the elevator, and Jason the towel.

Mewtwo took the photo and put it in the Mushroom Kingdom.

"And I killed the theif guy in Trial City," remembered Mewtwo, putting Tac in Trial City.

_Correct: 7/12_

_Marth and Fox_

"We rode the penguin in Mushroom Kingdom," remembered Marth. "So here he goes, dude!"

Marth put Mike, Frank and Jason in Mushroom Kingdom.

_Correct: 5/12  
__Incorrect: 4/12_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"Snake was in Shadow Moses Island, Captain Falcon was in Port Town, Olimar was in Distant Planet, and Tom Nook was here," sighed Mewtwo, putting the photos in, almost bored.

"Wow, you did that fast!" grinned Jigglypuff.

"Oh, we still have Corneria left," noticed Mewtwo, forgetting he had skipped it.

_Correct: 11/12_

_Marth and Fox_

"Awesome, everyone we've got left is easy!" grinned Marth, putting Snake and Olimar in their rightful places.

"Last photo!" cheered Fox, putting Tac in Trial City.

A red light flashed.

"Dude, we're wrong somewhere," sighed Marth. "Quick, figure out where!"

_Correct: 8/12  
__Incorrect: 4/12_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"Oh, I know who's in Corneria!" cheered Jigglypuff happily. "The rabbit guy!"

Jigglypuff pointed at Peppy's photo.

"Get me it, or I'll kill you," threatened Mewtwo icily. "I'll remove every one of your organs and I'll eat them. For all we know, someone else could be hot on our trail!"

_Correct: 11/12_

_Marth and Fox_

"Hold up, man," said Fox quickly. "I think we got the captains wrong."

"What?" asked Marth incredulously. "Dude, Falcon lives in Planet Hocotate, durr!"

Marth looked down and noticed Captain Falcon's photo was in Port Town.

"Oh," said Marth, switching Falcon and Olimar.

"Wait, no, we're being stupid, bro," said Fox.

...

"Peppy's Cornerian!" realised Fox, switching Peppy and Kurt. Both were now in their rightful places.

The cameraman stared at Falcon and Olimar's photos.

"Oh, and Shadow was on the colony, dude!" laughed Marth, shaking his head, amused.

Marth switched Shadow and the Sporb back into their right places.

_Correct: 10/12  
__Incorrect: 2/12_

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

Jigglypuff put Peppy's photo in Corneria, and a green light flashed.

"We're finished!" squealed Jigglypuff excitedly, clapping her hands.

A clue popped out of a hidden slot in the floor, and Mewtwo grabbed it.

"Make your way to the gardens..." read Mewtwo.

"_Having conquered the last task, teams must now run outside to the gardens, where they may __**run to the finish line!" **__said Crazy Hand enthusiastically. "The first team to cross the finish line __**will win the race, and one million dollars!**__"_

"...and run to the finish line!" finished Mewtwo. "Jigglypuff, we're winning this thing!"

"Let me just stop to tie my-" began Jigglypuff.

Mewtwo picked Jigglypuff up and threw her furiously at the wall.

"You don't wear shoes!" screamed Mewtwo. "Shut up and go win!"

"But-"

"WE! NEED! THIS!" bellowed Mewtwo, shoving a cheese grater in Jigglypuff's eye.

_Marth and Fox_

"Damn dude, where are we going wrong?" asked Marth, frustrated.

"Maybe we should move the captains back, man," shrugged Fox.

As soon as Fox switched the photos, a green light flashed and a clue popped out of a hidden slot.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

Mewtwo threw Jigglypuff out of the door and into the hallway.

"Get to the staircase!" screamed Mewtwo desperately.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Run to the finish line, dude!" cheered Marth.

"Let's go!" grinned Fox. "I think we're the first done!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Currently in 1__st__ Place_

The Pokemon sprinted across the hallway, until they were ambushed by several different-colored drone slaves – the Alloys.

"Come play with us Jigglypuff..." droned an Alloy creepily. "For ever...and ever..."

Jigglypuff looked at the Alloy.

Jigglypuff looked at Mewtwo, who was threateningly snapping iron bars in half.

Jigglypuff looked at the Alloy.

_Marth and Fox  
__Currently in 2__nd__ Place_

"Look dude, there's the Pokemon!" gasped Marth. "Their room must have been on the other side of the hall!"

"We gotta beat them, man!" replied Fox.

"Duh," scoffed Marth.

More Alloys sprang up from nowhere, staring at the frats.

"Come play with us...Marth...and Fox..." droned an Alloy.

"AAAGH BLOCKADE!" cried Fox.

"AAAGH RIPOFF!" cried Marth.

Marth took Fox's Blaster and fired wildly at the Alloys.

Fox took Marth's sword and slashed wildly at the Alloys.

The frats stared at each other, and traded weapons.

"Move!" cried Marth, running through a gap the attacks had made. "We killed some of 'em!"

"I hear voices, bro!" called Fox, pointing at a door. "Sounds like Roy and Ganon!"

Marth quickly put a chair, a rock, and some dead Alloys at Roy and Ganondorf's door.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"Where did these guys come from?" asked Mewtwo, throwing Alloys over his shoulder.

"Well-"

"Who asked you?!"

"Um, you,"

Mewtwo threw Jigglypuff through the onslaught of Alloys.

"Hey, the frats are here!" gasped Jigglypuff. "They're piling stuff against a door!"

"What are you staring at them for, you jackass?" screeched Mewtwo. "Go!"

Mewtwo tore the Alloy crowd in half with his mind, and sprinted past them.

"No, look, the frat boys are running after us!" panicked Jigglypuff.

_Marth and Fox_

"Chase those Pokemon down, dude!" bellowed Marth, slashing Alloys at his side relentlessly.

"This is our moment, man!" yelled back Fox, firing his Blaster at the Pokemon.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"Ow! The hell?" asked Mewtwo, being shot in the foot.

_Marth and Fox_

"We're done losin' to them!" said Marth savagely, running through a few more hallways.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"I forgot how big this place is!" groaned Jigglypuff, looking around at all the hallways. "Where the heck's the gardens?"

_Marth and Fox_

"We've ran through this whole uncensored-on-DVD-only-ing place," panted Fox, leaning against the wall. "I'm exhausted, bro..."

"Me too dude, but we gotta hang on!" called Marth desperately.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"For the love of-_can't you run any faster?!_" bellowed Mewtwo, summoning Jigglypuff with his mind.

"I've only got tiny little legs!" moaned Jigglypuff. "The frat boys are fast runners, too!"

"I don't care!" yelled Mewtwo. "They will not beat us!"

Jigglypuff quickly glanced over her non-existant shoulder. "But they're gaining on us!"

"Yes, but all they have is brawn," noted Mewtwo. "We, that is, I, have brains **and **brawn! And using my brain, I have a plan!"

_Marth and Fox_

"We're on the second floor dude, but I can't remember where the stairs are!" groaned Marth, exhausted.

"Let's just follow Mewtwo and Jigs, man," decided Fox. "If they're wrong, it doesn't matter if we go the same way cause Roy and Ganondorf are trapped anyway!"

"Good point, dude," nodded Marth. "Let's go!"

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"So you understand the plan?" whispered Mewtwo, finishing telling Jigglypuff his plan.

"Yes!" nodded Jigglypuff, while running. "Next fork in the halls, we'll run down different hallways and you'll psychically summon me later, getting the frats lost so we can win the race!"

"Precisely, now shut the hell up," said Mewtwo. "Get ready to split up!"

Mewtwo and Jigglypuff sprinted towards the fork in the Mansion's maze-like hallways, and Mewtwo took the right hall while Jigglypuff took the left.

_Marth and Fox_

"Why did they-where do we-_damn_!" grunted Fox, frustrated. "Man, we've lost 'em!"

"C'mon, haven't you ever chased anyone through a sixty-floor maze-house, dude?"asked Marth. "The smart one always goes the right way!"

"You're right, man!" grinned Fox.

Marth and Fox ran after Jigglypuff.

_Mewtwo_

_If Jigglypuff messes this up, I'll kill her so hard she just might die,_ thought Mewtwo, hammering down the right hall.

_Marth and Fox_

"Charge!" screamed Marth. "Harder and faster than our last all-nighter keg party!"

"Chicka bow," panted Fox, clutching his side while running.

_Jigglypuff_

_OhmigodI'msoscaredwhatifImessthisupohgodohgodohgod!!, _thought Jigglypuff, running down the left hall as fast as she could, with the frats behind her.

_Marth and Fox_

"Dude, check it, it's Jigs!" grinned Marth in relief.

Jigglypuff quickly looked behind her, and began crying and running at the same time.

"We didn't lose 'em after all!" cheered Fox, punching the air in jubilation. "But wait...where's Mewtwo?"

_Jigglypuff_

_OhgodnopleasenoIwanttowinIwanttowin!!, _thought Jigglypuff desperately, sobbing hysterically as she approached the end of the hall.

A dead end.

_Mewtwo_

Mewtwo ran out into the large gardens, and quickly looked around for Jigglypuff.

"Dammit!" cursed Mewtwo. He quickly summoned Jigglypuff with his mind.

"I'm sorry, Mewtwo, I'm sorry!" sobbed Jigglypuff.

"What do you mean, _sorry?_" demanded Mewtwo. "Just start running!"

_Marth and Fox_

"Damn dude, it's a dead end!" cried Marth. "Mewtwo must have sent Jigs down this hall to throw us off! We'll never catch 'em now!"

"I know how," said Fox slowly. He pulled out his Blaster, and began firing at the wall.

"Dude, that's not gonna wo-"

The wall fell down in a crumbling pile of spackle and asbestos.

"Run!"

They ran.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"The finish line's at the other side of the gardens!" screeched Mewtwo. "Run in the shade so they can't see you!"

Exhausted, Jigglypuff changed direction and headed off for the shade underneath theextended hallway.

_Marth and Fox_

"They're running under the extended hallway, dude!" pointed out Marth. "Just go straight up the middle!"

"They _do_ know that they're right under the hall we just took, don't they?" checked Fox.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

"I see Crazy Hand!" bellowed Mewtwo. "Run as fast as you can!"

Crazy Hand floated above the finish line up ahead, with the eight eliminated teams cheering on both the Pokemon and the frats.

"Run! Run fast!" shouted Samus, with Mr. Game and Watch beeping encouragement.

"Yeah, give it all you got!" shouted Pikachu.

"Don't give up!" urged Link.

"Pfft, yeah, like that never occurred to anyone on the race..." sighed Meta-Knight, rolling his eyes.

"Shut up, you came last," replied Link.

_Marth and Fox_

"Aw hell no, Mewtwo's getting close to the finish line, dude," warned Marth.

"We just have to both beat Jigs, then," said Fox, looking ahead at the exhausted balloon Pokemon.

"Frat boys! Frat boys!" chanted Peach, liquored up beyond recognition.

"She took my coming out real hard," Yoshi whispered to a grave and a corpse-smelling tunic.

_Jigglypuff_

"Mewtwo, help me!" cried Jigglypuff. "I'm not fast enough!"

Marth and Fox both sprinted past Jigglypuff.

"Sorry babe, just winning us a race," smirked Marth confidently.

"Hate the game, not the player," added Fox, giving Jigglypuff a thumbs-up.

Enraged, Mewtwo began pulling Jigglypuff towards him with his mind.

"Oh, _**no way, **_dude!" bellowed Marth. He threw his sword, which landed in Mewtwo's shin.

"Dammit all!" screamed Mewtwo, falling to the ground.

Marth and Fox trampled over Mewtwo's body, and quickly tossed him over their shoulders.

"This isn't supposed to happen!" yelled Mewtwo.

"You've got him down!" cried Ike's voice.

Marth and Fox heard nobody as they ran –

"He's taking out something!" yelled Ness, alarmed.

The frats ignored all warning –

"I slept with Olimar's wife on Hocotate!" cried Bowser, wrapping up a mild plot point.

"No!" groaned Jigglypuff, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Yes!" cheered Marth and Fox, sprinting forward.

_"Son of a bitch!"_ roared Mewtwo, a vein throbbing in his huge super-genius brain's temple.

Marth and Fox ran past their eliminated comrades, and touched down on the finish line mat. Immediately, the two hugged in a brotherly manner, then swaggered to their feet triumphantly.

Crazy Hand cleared his throat.

"Five continents, twelve countries, and **OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAND** miles..."

Lukewarm applause. No laughter. Crazy Hand sighed.

" – over 850,000 miles, Marth and Fox, you are the official **winners** of The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" finished Crazy Hand. "And the **one million dollar prize!**"

"Swe-eet!" cheered Fox.

"Dude, you rocked!" laughed Marth, clapping Fox's shoulder.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__Sure Ain't Won No Race_

"Aww man, it sucks that the frat boys won the money and we didn't..." sighed Jigglypuff.

"Au contraire," spat Mewtwo viciously. "If I **kill them once and for all**, we can take the money by default as the second place team!"

Mewtwo whipped out a rocket launcher, and aimed directly at Marth and Fox, both grinning with the large check.

"Can I push the button?" asked Jigglypuff, nudging Mewtwo.

Mewtwo swung upwards and hit the extended hallway above them. The whole hallway collapsed, landing on the Pokemon. The wall fell down next, revealing Roy and Ganondorf in their room for the last task.

"Look guys, we like, finally did the last task!" grinned Ganondorf, showing Mewtwo his clue.

"Arr, it was tricky!" laughed Roy.

"Don't you – " Mewtwo's voice was muffled by the window he was under – "-ing _dare-_"

"Look, there's the finish line!" cheered Ganondorf. He picked up the fallen wall, and crushed Jigglypuff with it again.

"Jigglypuff, get up! GET UP!" raged Mewtwo, climbing out of the wreckage as the schizos ran off.

_Roy and Ganondorf_

"Like, we're nearly there!" cried Ganondorf.

Machine gun bullets peppered the ground behind them.

"Arr, the frat boys won," said Roy, looking disappointed but still happy.

A sniper rifle shot ringed past them, followed by some profanity from afar.

"Way to go, dudes!" cheered Marth. "You beat the Pokemon!"

"Even after we locked you in that room!" added Fox.

"Yeah! Like, what? I mean, yeah!" grinned Ganondorf, hi-fiving the frats as he stepped onto the finish line. "Come on, Roy!"

Roy was walking backwards slowly, flipping off Jigglypuff and Mewtwo (who was frantically throwing grenades at everyone) repeatedly.

"Arr, take _this_, ye scurvy braggards!" bellowed Roy, throwing his sword at Mewtwo. It stabbed his other shin.

"Roy and Ganondorf, you are team number two!" grinned Crazy Hand. "You are the second place team of the race!"

Roy and Ganondorf nodded appreciatively, and congratulated Marth and Fox.

"Arr, just as long as we beat yondarr **Mewtwo!"** grinned Roy.

"I can't believe we made like, runner-up!" smiled Ganondorf tearfully.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff_

Sadly, Jigglypuff dejectedly kicked Mewtwo's body all the way over to the finish line.

"I'll...guh-I'll kill you all..." choked Mewtwo, eyes watering.

"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you're team number three!" said Crazy Hand. "You are the third place team of the race!"

"I'm just happy I got so far!" smiled Jigglypuff, cheering up slightly.

Mewtwo passed out.

Then he woke up and killed Jigglypuff.

Then he passed out again.

* * *

Final Results!

**Winners!) **Marth and Fox – Fraternity Brothers

**2****nd**** Place) **Roy and Ganondorf – Embarrassments

**3****rd**** Place) **Mewtwo and Jigglypuff – Psychic/Puffball Team #1

**4****th**** Place) **Mario and Bowser – Poker Buddies?!

**5****th**** Place) **Kirby and Ness – Psychic/Puffball Team #2

**6****th**** Place) **Ike and Pit – Fangirl Bait

**7****th**** Place) **Pichu's Corpse and Young Link's Corpse – Friendless Losers

**8****th**** Place) **Yoshi and Peach – "Dating" "Exclusively"

**9****th**** Place) **Link and Pikachu – Anger Management Classmates

**10****th**** Place) **Samus and Mr. Game and Watch - ??

**Last Place) **DK and Meta-Knight – Cynics

* * *

_Marth and Fox  
__1__st__ Place_

"The race was incredibly difficult, dude," Marth told the camera.

"We got very lucky in some parts, bro," nodded Fox.

"We're definitely better people now than we were before," said Marth.

Fox nodded silently.

"And also, we're richer, dude!" cheered Marth.

The camera panned back to reveal that Marth and Fox were sitting in the middle of a sorority house with drunk fangirls all around them.

_Roy and Ganondorf  
__2__nd__ Place_

"Arr, I feel great comin' in second," smiled Roy. "Errrspecially in the fashion we finished in!"

"Yeah, like, I wore my good cape, and it matched my eyeliner, and-" began Ganondorf.

"Narr, I meant destroying and humiliating Mewtwo," cut in Roy.

The camera panned back to reveal that Roy and Ganondorf were standing on Mewtwo.

_Mewtwo and Jigglypuff  
__3__rd__ Place_

"I took our third place finish pretty well," Jigglypuff told the camera. "I mean at the end of the day, the better team wins, right? We tried our very best, and we won the most legs anyway, I think."

"Jigglypuff, I have an even better plan for how we can make a million dollars!" said Mewtwo, grinning maniacally. One of his eyes was puffy and bloodshot, and his smile was extremely strained.

Jigglypuff looked at the sign Mewtwo was holding.

"Kill the frats..." read Jigglypuff. "What?! No!"

Mewtwo killed Jigglypuff. Once and for all.

_Crazy Hand_

"Well, I guess this was a pretty good idea after all!" smiled Crazy Hand.

"Letter for you," said Master Hand's ghost.

Crazy Hand opened the letter, looked at the unemployment check, sighed, and walked away.

* * *

And that's the season over! Thank you to all of my readers, thank you to Jerry Bruckheimer and Bertram Van Munster for letting me plagiarise their show, and thank you to me for hitting me until I completed the story!

Read, review, share your favourite moments, cry about how your favourites lost, and above all – pay me.

**I don't know if there will be a second season or not. If there is, it probably won't be for a LONG while.**


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